[paleko]

I just did an internet search about loneliness, emptiness, and depression and found this website. I sit here at home, all by myself, for days on end. My husband works away from home for weeks at a time. I used to work, but because my job responsibilities (management) became so time consuming, I quit. Now, in stark contrast to my old life, I have no pressure, no contact with others, except for occasional phone calls from friends. I feel so lonely and empty. I am not even sure why I am posting on this website... perhaps it is just to reach out to someone out there who feels the same emptiness I do. I have no right to complain about my life because it is good. I have a husband who loves me, great kids, money is not a huge issue. Life is just boring, bland, blah. I go to bed at night by myself, I wake up by myself. I get a couple of phone calls during the day from my husband and kids. I look at the walls in my house, but I am not even sure if I have turned my lights on. I get onto the internet to try to find something to spark my interest in something, but nothing seems to spark my energy or interest any more.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? I went to my doctor a year ago and sat in her office, crying my eyes out, telling her how depressed I feel. She asked me if there had been any major changes in my life. I told her no, even though I knew that there had been and she knew about it. I had been put on life support and nearly died just six months previous for a common pneumonia. That experience dominates my life. I am so afraid to be alone because I am afraid that it will happen again and one of my children will find me. My husband's job requires that he be gone most of the time.

Sometimes, I get involved in community things and I feel so good about it. I love to have contact with people and to feel useful again. But, all of that is so short-lived and I find myself stuck here at home, all by myself, again. Does anyone have any motivating suggestions that may help me. I know that diet, exercise, friends, community involvement all help, but it is only fleeting. I have the rest of my life ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it. I think about death and realize that it would be okay as long as I have things in order in my life. My children are adults now and can manage on their own. I am not suicidal! Please don't even think that. I am just thinking that it is okay for my life to end... not by suicide, but by illness or accident. I am so insignificant in the big picture of this world.

Paleko