A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath ; he did not kick the feces out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Thanks. I had heard something very similar many years ago, and it's just as good now as it was back then.


Some of the differences between then and now are

5. (was) Just because Moses tied his [donkey] to a tree and walked 3 miles, it doesn't mean that skin stretches farther than rubber.

7. (was) It's Father, Son, and Holy Ghost not Daddy, Laddy and the spook.

13. (was) And you know that what we're having is a Taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's Church...

yeah,i omitted 13,ha ha

Rofl......

That's a good one