Yes he could definately live on campus or with someone other than us.
At this point the main problem is that he has no income of his own.
And I personally really have no way to help him get on his own.

I'm working on finding a way to get him on his own, or with someone
other than me, getting him money or something. HE is going to college
mainly on Vocational REhabilation. And we support by paying his
car insurance, and life insurance. But my husband just doesn't understand
why we are doing this. For my middle one. He thinks he should be able
to do this on his own. Working on this, but so far its not doable.

We have to do things a little at a time. And right now if he stays in
school I personally think this is the best we can do to support him
in doing something.

Donna

Hi, Donna ....

I am feeling a bit worried at how dad doesn't get the picture of why your son needs this semi-sheltered existence for now. You know, having him live at home, and your helping him out with car insurance and such...

Maybe his Voc Rehab counselor or his psychiatrist or counselor could help him realize how emotionally precarious this entire time of life is -- transitioning from childhood to adulthood, all the responsibilities, and how ANY KIND OF CHANGE is stressful, and that he can only add a part-time job IF he and his counselors think it can be done. And for that matter, simply moving out of the house into another place, with other people, might just be too much.

Dad has to be able to recognize that the PRIORITY right now is GETTING THRU COLLEGE. The next priority is CREATING A STABLE SEPARATE EXISTENCE. And there are a number of little steps getting from here to there.

If he can understand that done correctly, your son will quite possibly never have to come back home to live permanently (more or less), then hopefully he will be willing to make these concessions. Actually, the statistics show that more and more "grown children" (of ALL ages) are ending up back at home for varying periods of time because of various reasons...

My ex had both our children living in our home (he had more or less moved out to his girlfriend's) for almost 10 years before he sold it -- right after our older child and her family moved off for her to go to law school.

For the younger one (bipolar I) he did it so she wouldn't have to sleep with a guy to have a place to live. When she left for another state to follow a boyfriend, he had her get an apartment there (he pays the rent) so she would not come back home. Home had too many slacker druggie deadbeat friends from school - some who have now been jailed for drugs, some of who are now on SSI for mental illness. The lucky ill ones live with a parent. Actually, they almost, to a person, live with a parent or a sibling.

It is unfortunate that Kat has such difficulty being around anyone in her family.... All of us love her - but since she can't stay on her meds, she becomes somewhat psychotic, highly agitated, and increasingly frightening to be around as her aggressions builds... If she has to share living quarters or even much time with someone she just can't emotionally handle or has to stay employed for many weeks or months, she always eventually gets to that point.

She will never, it seems, ever be able to be "gainfully employed". I'll never forget the first time I understood the seriousness of bipolar I. A man who had a wonderful college career, graduated with high grades, hired for a great job in a firm offering him a wonderful life... but he began tumbling into his first hypermanic episode.. Ten years later, he was working at night, alone, in a downtown parking lot as an attendant. Like my younger daughter, the only jobs she can handle are those where she works alone. And here is this man, with all the education my daughter will never be able to have.... and yet here he is, at the EXACT SAME PLACE SHE IS.

Share this story with your spouse. One step at a time, lots of support, emphasis on good psychiatric supervision, learning to tweak meds, working on building healthy FRIENDSHIPS with fellow students. If he had to work to pay rent, he would not be able to join clubs and organizations, participate in extracurricalar activities. There is more to life than work, home and TV. If he can be encouraged to explore his interests, the benefits, to my way of looking at it, would be tremendously valuable to him, thru out his life.

I cannot emphasize this more. If you don't have bipolar yourself, you might not recognize how valuable social skills and social ease are. And social skills are directly related to work environment skills. You are doing this the right way, to my way of looking at it.

Often a spouse (even when not a step-parent) dreams of a time when the house belongs to only the two of you. And they dream of a time when no one else will be in the bathroom, or eating the last slice of cake or drinking the last coke. <smiling> Or maybe he just wants more alone time with you. Maybe you can enourage your son to make friends how live off-campus and ask if he could spend a night to visit. You could make sure he came complete with home-made goodies and perhaps a KFC bucket dinner for all? That would grease those welcome wagon wheels!

I do feel for you, having to help your son, yet keep your spouse from feeling too put upon... I hope things are easier as time goes by...

{{{{{{{{{{Donna}}}}}}}}}}}
Teri

Thanks Teri

We had a added thing this last October, that my husband is finally accepting,
the only thing that he is still and people like his Mother are saying too.

Is how do we know its true. Devin has a almost 3 month old son, and he sometimes, stays with the mother, little boy Will and the 3 little girls the
mom already had. Yep, its a lot, and maybe the way we learned is to much
for him. Its a lot for me too, but I'm more of a go with the flow. We learned
when he was 2 weeks old, I'm honestly not sure when Devin learned about
him, I'm thinking probably about the same time. Since its been around our
little town that it was supposedly rumored it was someone elses child. William
as is his full name, looks like my son, so I honestly believe them, and my
son has taken to him completely. So I will not question it, so I just go with
the flow, and will help all I can. The mom is on SSI, has lots of learning disabilities, and anxiety or depression type things. She isn't depressed though, not exactly sure what her disability is. But I'm going to do what
I can to help. I'm like that. But I also have taken to the 3 little girls two
of which have dad's that I believe are probably helping support them, and
I"m very much willing to take to the 2 year old. Its the way I was raised.

But I degress. My husband has come around to the fact, he paid the rest
of the tuition for Devin, and will help again. So that is good. He is just
a very odd ball guy at times, thanks much for listening to me.

I know a lot about bipolar, it runs strongly in my own family, but also in
my husbands, so I've been privy to watching many lives get ruined by it.
But I also have watched, my oldest, straighten his life and now start a
job with it. So I do know it does work at times.

WIth meds and all. This one has no insurance, and he doesn't believe he
has a problem in the mental side, so we just deal till he ask for help now.

Donna

You are so welcome, Donna... Being heard - FEELING heard... Validated. That is the most beautiful feeling in the world, I think. It is a feeling that unlocks my soul and lets my feelings out... from the dungeon they were forced into thru the years.

Your son Devin is very lucky to have you as his mom -- and your husband is a good man. He may not completely understand, but he is HEARING YOU and he trusts in what you say.

May this year be full of blessings for you...
Teri

Teri
Something else happened good yesterday to this story. I have always
told my sons that the best way to handle things when they think they
should have been given more of something. And in this case its more
money from Voc Reh. Is to ask why they didn't get what they think
they should.

So the niight before last Devin sent his counselor a email, requesting
to get at least the 175 that he needed to have to pay his classes. Since
he didn't spend all that he had the first semester. IT was could I have
this from that money some how.
She wrote him back yesterday, something happened and I sent you the
wrong amount, you will be getting a check for the difference, and you
can take it to Ivy Tech and they will reimburse you the amount you had
to pay to get the class paid for. So he should give his dad his money
back. But I didn't open my mouth, because he is living on almost nothing
in the semesters and I know how hard it is.

SO I"m just waiting if he works for dad and pays off the amount then
I would rather he just keep it and not tell dad. But I have a feeling he
will give it or try to back to dad and tell him what happened. Its to
me his story to tell though. Not mine.

But a sign he is starting to get back in line again.

Donna

Teri

I didn't read through my last post so some of this might be repeat, but
its all good and worth it if it is. My son wrote his Voc Rehab counselor
a couple weeks ago and learned she shorted him his college money.

He got the voucher last week to pay the rest of his fee, even though
he had used his dad's check. THey told him 7 to 10 days, and I wasn't
sure if he had told his dad about this. But felt it was his news to tell
him. And left it that way. Well yesterday the check came and he
went to get it cashed, came back and was leaving it incase he wasn't
here when dad got home. And I just couldn't stand not knowing
so I asked him. Had he told his dad that he was getting it from her.

He had already explained it to his dad.

So he was on top of this all along. I'm so proud of him. I'm so hoping
his dad is too. I hope they got a chance to talk. The stupid phone kept
ringing. ANd I had to go to urgent care, thought my arm had a infection,
but turned out to be tendonitis. But it was such a neat thing to see
from afar.

My husband will have a new light, or else some new bumps later.

Donna