You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free...

...Paul Simon makes it sound so pleasant and easy. This was my gut response in reading of your situation; you just sound so tired and entangled, that the only way to get any perspective or clarity is to remove yourself from there pronto. Buy a one way train or bus ticket and regroup at a Holiday Inn. Eat as many moon pies for dinner as you see fit. Leave behind the Viagra; buy a Hustler and rent a movie. Maybe you leave for a day, two weeks or a year, whatever, but you have become a living example of Newton's First Law of Physics..things like to keep on doing what they are doing and, in fact, resist changing. I have been there too at various times in my life and am still there to some extent with a few relationships (emotional inertia is just as bad).

Point is you need to switch it up and do all in your power to resist doing nothing, because even then, you are making a choice. Try not to think of your home life at all but try instead to reconnect with who you are as a person; you have wants, likes, needs, etc. just like anyone else. It seems to me you are less in touch with you as a person and more in touch with your role or what others expect of you. If that is all you have to go on is other people to validate you as an ex hub/partner, father, etc. than you are in trouble because we are not designed to be or become someone's end all or be-all. You seem so eager to please everyone around you, that you negate yourself. At what point do you stop and ask what you want out of this cause even friends with benefits sounds like a stretch at this point. I quote you: ...just tell me what I have to do, tell me. All she said is I don't think we need to be together You say that as though you will give your all to get something in return. What is that something you want? We have PD, and a built in excuse to be selfish. Do not sit there and wait for days 11, 12, and 13 to pass by. It's your life passing you by. PD steals enough of it, but you are in charge of the rest.

Laura

I hope this doesn’t sound pompous or like I have all the answers, I don’t. I don’t always even know what the questions is, but over many years I have, after hundreds of failures, learned two life lessons that have made my life better. The first one is, you cannot change anyone but yourself. You may not feel you need to change, I usually don’t. That is beside the point. It is the recognition that your ability to affect someone else’s life choices is limited, very limited. So the decision comes down to, are you willing to change yourself to maintain this relationship or whatever? Is it worth it to you? If you answer the question honestly you will have an easier time either changing or moving in a direction that ultimately will make you more satisfied with you life.

That’s the easy one. The second one came from an elderly woman I knew many years ago. She had had a life filled with tragic deaths and losses of all sorts and yet she was more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. I asked her one day how she could enjoy life so much when she had suffered so much unhappiness. She looked at me with a certain touch of pity in her eyes and said “My dear, happiness is a decision you make when you wake up in the morning. Some days it will be yes some days it will be no, but it is completely in your hands.” When I heard that statement I thought it was absurd.

It took me twenty-five years to be able to understand it and incorporate it, but now in my dotage, it is the most important principal in the conduct of my daily life. There is nothing easy about it. The reward comes when you start living the life you want. It may take sacrifice of your part but if that sacrifice achieves the life you have decided is the one you want, the sacrifices will seem small by comparison.

I think all of us feel better when we don’t feel like we are passengers held captive on the train that is our own life. Taking that control back when we don’t feel strong is not easy, but it is the only thing, I think, that allows us regain the strength we have felt has been stolen from us.

Good luck Jim.

Pam

[QUOTE=Jim0918;769102]In actuality maybe you're onto something there.

survival comes first.. however YOU can change your responses. bipolar condition reflects a deep schism... to disentangle from your thoughts try meditating.

waiting for your wife to change doesn't fix you! if you can't change your living circmstances outwardly admit that and move forward - you can change them inwardly...at least you can salvage some self respect with the roommate situation. forget the "benefits"...they will entangle you emotionally....are you addicted to sex?
betrayal is all about being truthful with yourself. as long as you feel entitled to being ttreated differently by your wife you only fuel the flames of self-sabotage and victimhood. the empowerment you seek can only come with becoming self-referencing. don't wait-move into your own room -give your wife some space...and yourself.
find help with meds and counseling. www.hayhouseradio.com provides free positive thougght provoking internet radio and free counseling. 24 / 7

the AA model might be helpful - adddiction is addiction .

When I started this thread I said it was eight days and counting. It's been more than that. That's just the days I started counting. My wife now tells me she is emotionally empty, has no feelings for me. "She could go on till we die living together and never again be close." She is tired of her weight, the way she looks, etc. Sex is too much effort, exhausting for her, etc.
Meanwhile, I am going to psychotherapy, on antidepressant meds, I love her but I know that you can only change yourself. I so desperately want to have a vibrant, healthy relationship with this woman. I equate to the wiring harness in a car. It is a part of it, the car cannot function properly without it. She thinks that because I want to be sexual and she does not that now I need to seek counseling for this as well-I must admit that I have a history of seeking out internet porn but I did not join sites, I would just sit for endless hours looking at the "teaser" pages. I have never had cybersex or gone further than these introductory pages, I cannot remember how long it has been since I've done that though. Prob. 2-3 months. I am really hurting in that I know that I cannot change HER, I can only change me. This is getting to be truly depressing because I feel that this is hopeless and when someone loses hope when that is all we have- Faith, Hope and Love. I'm trying to hold onto Faith.

All I have to offer is, if you are not getting your needs met, then I would find someone who can fulfill them

Dont ever tell yourself, that you cant find someone else to love you, because you have pd

Trying to get what you want/need out of somebody who doesnt have it to give, is like trying to put a square peg into a round hole, everyday of your life

Living with a cronic broken heart, certainly does not compliment your symptoms

must be very comforting. These wonderful people are giving you some great tips and information. If that support isn't Love, what is? They care. They are the rescue team. This is a miracle happening right here, IMHO. The counseling and the antidepressants are in the same class of wonders--you seem to be working on some important stuff.

There's a lot in your life to rejoice about, as I see it, but this isn't the place for a sermon from me, LOL. The thread speaks for itself.
'
Jaye

[QUOTE=Jim0918;768809]Eight days now that I have gotten up late, yesterday it was 2 pm when I first opened my eyes. I am divorced but still live with my wife. Can't seem to make up my mind I guess.


Oh man, get out of there and find a place of your own! I once read a book that said the average person takes 7 years to make up his mind about divorce, and I think that's true. At least that was how long it took me.

In the meantime you live in a hell where you can't enjoy a married life and can't enjoy a single one.

Yes, it's scary, and you will have a couple of years of turmoil after you leave, but you are in a situation that is destroying your self-esteem every day and is making you more of a victim due to the lack of that esteem.

It's time to leave, believe me! Once you are over that 2-year turmoil it will be well worth it. Men actually fare better than women as a rule, with regard to finances anyway.

Even if you lose everything and have to start out again with some cheap apartment, it will be worth it because nothing can be worse than losing your entire soul to sorrow, unhappiness, severe depression, and eventually suicide.

Your wife isn't doing these things just to annoy you. She's clearly as fed up with marriage as you are and you're not doing yourself, her, or anyone one bit of good by staying together. You will simply destroy each other more each day.

Hopefully by now you've seen a lawyer though, who may tell you that if you leave the house first, you could lose financially. If not, you should at least talk to one for a short while.

It's really hard to get motivated to do anything when you're depressed but that means that you have to work all the harder to get out of your situation. (Oh, and try not to let the lawyer make you fight too much with your wife. That will just get the lawyer more money and you less). If you and your wife can still speak to each other civilly, you could both start by making a list of everything you both own and the estimated value of it. If you can't speak to each other, then secretly make your own list and make sure you know where all the receipts are as well and get a copy.

And if you both share the same credit card, apply for one in your own name first. You both need separate cards in your own names.

Not an expert -- Just been there, done that!

And oh yes, you would be wise to get some kind of counseling too, even if only starting out by discussing this with your doctor! Good luck. I feel for you. Divorce is ever so difficult but after a couple of years of hardship you will kick yourself hard for not making the decision so much earlier!