[Jim091866]

Eight days now that I have gotten up late, yesterday it was 2 pm when I first opened my eyes. I am divorced but still live with my wife. Can't seem to make up my mind I guess. 8 days since I've felt okay with my life, far more than that since I've seen a smile, felt a hug, I don't know what else, far more than 8 since we've been intimate, way too far to remember. She says I'm not there for her emotionally-she wants help working out to lose weight. Her at 295+ and me with PD that's kinda hard to do. I'm not there sexually- I admit I need some help from a little pill but that is out of the question for her. On and on we have gone for some 25 years. Eventually, you figure out that the cat isn't going to give you puppies ya know! I just don't know what to do. We are at a cross roads again and it is going to cost us BIG TIME. My oldest daughter just started college this spring, we have been making her car payment. The youngest is looking at getting started. Last time this happened we were so angry with each other that we got separate apartments, nearly lost our house to foreclosure. We got back together and saved the house and now everyone has a safe roof over but at what cost. I told my "wife" that when we were going through this the last time that I had gone out to the garage and tied an extension cord around an overhead truss, made a noose and all that was left to do was kick the bucket out from under my feet but I couldn't. Her reply was that it wasn't her fault. That was as a result of a quarrel I had with my youngest daughter amongst other things. I simply would like her to acknowledge the fact that "I'm sorry you ever felt that way." She never has even if she did not intend to hurt me just to state that is not admiting a crime. She wont ever do it-one thing I have NEVER heard from her-"Hey Jim,let's hug and put this behind us." NEVER. It would be a conviction of wrong doing for her. An admission of guilt. I have always come back over to her side, at times when there have been some things I have wanted from her-yet we have made up and then when it is 2-3 months down the road we're arguing over the same thing it will hit me-stupid, you agreed to make up and she never agreed to anything! I know that the bottom line is that at this point we are deep into a codependant relationship. I don't know what to do. The State took my drivers license, says my medical condition is too bad to drive. We gave up our truck when Paige started college to afford her car payment. I wake up when I do, sit on the couch, watch tv, go outside with the dogs, go to bed about 8-9 after taking clonapin so I will sleep. Don't have places to go, people to see. I guess it's 8 days now.

[Jaye]

Jim, I don't have any advice for untangling the mess you're in, but it sounds like the lot of you are going to have look outward for ideas. Here's a blog on the APDA's young onset site that has a lot of stuff on family communication:

http://www.youngparkinsons.org/blog

Hope this helps.

Best wishes,
Jaye

[Jomar]

From the practical/financial side of things , if you "do yourself",, I don't think anyone gets life insurance monies.
Not to mention the fact that your kids will feel that somehow they were partially at fault. That will last a lifetime for them..
Please see our Survivors of Suicide forum if you start to think that way again- or read there before you feel that way.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

It's hard to say anything about the marriage situation.
I have brothers that are healthy and they can't even seem to find a lifelong mate.
I guess try to maintain a good environment for the daughters and make sure they know they are not the cause of any tensions in the home...

[Jim091866]

I'm NOT suicidal now. I was then and that was her remark when I shared that with her. Hmmm not much there huh?

[harley]

ok...so...if u are divorced why are you living with her?

[proudest_mama]

Jim,

I was where you are a year and a half ago. My ex is an engineer. Any chance your wife is an engineer?!

We were married 26 years when my husband asked for a divorce. If he hadn't done it, I would still be in that abusive relationship.

In those 26 years I NEVER heard the word "sorry". Everything was MY fault and if I'd just straighten out, everything would be okay. Yeah. Right. The day that I was diagnosed with Parkinson's my husband had the audacity to say, "Well you finally got the diagnosis that you wanted".

I was forced to live with my brother and his family for a year and am now in an Assisted Living facility. It was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Let me tell you my philosophy. I use to say I had four things that kept me going ... my family, my health, my faith and my sense of humor. Since that time I have reassessed the situation and learned that I can get by on two things .. my faith and my sense of humor. My family is on the bubble with two of my four kids angry at me for the divorce ... and my health, well, that is precarious as well. BUT no one ... not my best friend or my worst enemy can touch my sense of humor or my faith. The way I figure it is that I can always mend family relations .... but I can't get back my health if I don't take care of it now.

I don't let ANYTHING come between me and my Parkinson's.

What I'm trying to say is this ... you can't get back your health and stress only exasperates the situation. If you're in an abusive and/or loveless relationship, you need to get out. Even if you have to temporarily move in with someone. In essence your life depends on it.

Also be sure to seek a doctor for anti depressants. It took my at least three months to admit that I was depressed, and when I finally admitted it to my general practitioner, he was surprised but supportive. PD, alone, can cause depression and your home life makes in unbearable.

Oh, and I'm not sure what insurance you have, but after the divorce I was put on COBRA for three years.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to IM me. That's what we're here for. Know that you're not alone.

[Jim091866]

yes I still live with her and we are divorced. I own the house. I know its not a good relationship. yes, I know I am depressed, in fact 2 wks ago my doc increased my antidepressant, it's been WORSE since then. Lately I'm not saying anything, just keeping to myself and going about the day. I do go to bed awful early. I just don't know what's gonna happen. When I told her last night (this is my weakness coming through) just tell me what I have to do, tell me. All she said is I don't think we need to be together.

[harley]

is she really worth it?

[Jomar]

There are so many logistics to consider when splitting up a household.

who stays in the home?

Does one buy out the others percentage of the home?

balancing out the cost money wise as well as emotional wise - to live on your own vs sharing a home in a more or less "room mates only" situation.

Or maybe many of those were decided in the divorce decree already.

If the home is totally yours , maybe she is staying around for a free place to live?

If you can agree to live as roommates only and be on amiable terms that way... some people do that.

Tough problem for sure, only you & her can really figure out.

I'm a list maker , I would do a pros & cons list to see how things add up on one side or the other.
like staying in the house together vs going separate ways

[Jim091866]

In actuality maybe you're onto something there. I have had the feeling that we are constantly around each other, I mean all day. She does not work, is on SSDI and I am disabled so we are always at home. That is not good for any relationship. Tonight when we talked a little she was telling me how mean I was towards her in the past. I am bipolar/mood disorder and have been on meds/psych for 2 1/2 yrs now. I told her I cannot change the past. She stated why couldn't I get along with her better before I got PD. Then we could have had some nice time! Shhh, that's a slap in the face! As far as is she worth it? Truthfully the dynamics of our relationship is not ever going to change. It's been too long. She told me tonight that since I was always mad at her for one thing or another in the past she now feels I am mad at her now. Although I am not, I am not ill tempered with her. In fact I don't even feel that I could reach that angered point now that I have meds. It is now her self perception that I am angry or disappointed with her. She becomes self conscious, depressed and there ya go for 3-4 days of laying in bed. So I don't think it's as much me as it is her self talk. She told me tonight to go on without her, that maybe I can salvage something of my life. I think that when my older daughter moves out in 2 months that my wife will take that bedroom-heck we just added a new bathroom to it-the room is 12x15 and the bath is 10x9! Perhaps I will just let things cool down for now and we'll see how that works. Can't be any worse. Maybe even have a few "benefits". By the way it's been 9 days.