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09-13-2007, 12:26 PM | #1 | |||
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Member aka Dianna Wood
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cake Or Bed? A Husband Is At Home Watching A Football Game When His Wife Interrupts, Honey, Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway? It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now. He Looks At Her And Says Angrily, Fix The Lights Now? Does It Look Like I Have Ge Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So. Fine, Then The Wife Asks, Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door? It Won't Close Right To Which He Replied, Fix The Fridge Door? Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So Fine, She Says Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps To The Front Door? They Are About To Break I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't Want To Fix Steps. He Says, Does It Look Like I Have Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So I've Had Enough Of You. I'm Going To The Bar!!!! So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A Couple Of Hours................................... He Starts To Feel Guilty About How He Treated His Wife, And Decides To Go Home As He Walks Into The House He Notices That The Steps Are Already Fixed. As He Enters The House, He Sees The Hall Light Is Working. As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices The Fridge Door Is Fixed. Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed? She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat Outside And Cried. Just Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me What Was Wrong, And I Told Him. He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And All I Had To Do Was Either Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake. He Said, So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake? She Replied, Hellooooo.. Do You See Betty Crocker Written On My Forehead? I Don't Think So! |
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09-13-2007, 01:17 PM | #2 | ||
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Junior Member
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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in
for a newer model. I shake and shimmy no matter how fast I'm going. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it --Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! |
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09-13-2007, 03:12 PM | #3 | |||
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Magnate
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The Husband Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
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You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act. ~~Barbara Hall I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. ~~Helen Keller |
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09-15-2007, 10:52 PM | #4 | ||
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Member
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» Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant » It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black. - Paul Newman » I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here. - Stephen Bishop » I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx » The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech. - George Bernard Shaw » He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde » I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain » I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow Last edited by Jaye; 09-15-2007 at 10:53 PM. Reason: Hit return instead of apostrophe. Subject is supposed to end "good ol sarcasm." Whew. |
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09-15-2007, 11:15 PM | #5 | |||
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Senior Member
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Thats Allstates stand..Are you in good hands?
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There are those who see things as they are and ask..Why?..I dream of things that never were and ask..Why not?..RFK |
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09-16-2007, 11:35 AM | #6 | ||
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Member
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A thief in Paris planned to steal some
paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. |
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