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1775 days, 5 years coming up in 50 days.
I don't think I ever felt this down, hurt, and depressed after getting sober. I won't bore you with the details, but when my wife said to me - when I was driving her to the airport for a holiday in Italy - that she couldn't wait until she could drink the first Grappa after arrival, I knew my marriage was over. Obviously, that's not the only reason - although I don't think I'm being childish when I say it shocked me - but the way it was said, and the defiance when I told her it's not something that is on my radar, makes me despair. I will lose the house I spent a *lot* of work on, my garden, my piano, and probably my pets, but somehow I need to make my self-respect survive. On the up side, I have no intention to restart the day-count, sobriety is just too important to me. |
I had to cut the cord in my latest relationship due to alcohol and it was not an easy choice. I think a marriage is worth saving if there is room for compromise.
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I've sent you a PM - I'm so very sorry to read this.
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So sorry Wide-O. Perhaps the marriage is still salvageable? Maybe separation will bring clarity.
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No real news here as to any progress but I am still early in recovery.
Last week I went through a terrible stretch of burning and the nerves firing and wreaking havoc. I almost gave up, had my car keys in hand and was standing by my car several times contemplating a trip to the liquor store. I just wanted a day away from my emotional and physical pain but in the end I knew it would not be a day but more likely months, years, or the rest of my life finding my way back. At my worse I prayed and vowed if the terrible burning in my legs did not stop I would buy some beer the next day as I could do this no more. Miraculously the next morning my symptoms were much improved. Maybe there is a God. |
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Very wise decision. At this point alcohol will only worsen the already burning in your legs. "Miraculously the next morning my symptoms were much improved". I have often come to the conclusion coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.. ......whatcha think?? Gerry |
Gerry, I was never very religious but I did very much believe in a god and that things are not just random but there is a plan and reason even though it is not clear at the time. Unfortunately I have come to believe things are just random and mostly just luck, or in my case, lack of. It took much for me to pray but I was that desperate and for just a moment considered taking my life as this is no way to live. I wonder if a higher power heard my prayers. I want to believe that. It is a lonely existence without a belief and faith in something.
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Even with opioid pain meds deal with 24/7 pain. Along with other issues; the burning ankles and feet and leg pain makes walking difficult. AA really helps people to believe in a "higher power". Although my daughter's choice of drugs was Cocaine; she prefers going to the AA meetings. She continues to go even tho her sobriety has been years. She feels you can never hear the message often enough; especially when she has her "moments", she knows she better get to some meetings. Thankfully, my faith is very helpful to get me thru each day. I have a little magnet on my frig; it reads "Before you go to sleep, Give your problems to God....He is up all night anyway. Another magnet reads "God is never more than a prayer away. BTW: Those magnets were given to me by my daughter. Gerry |
Gerry, was your neuropathy due to alcohol abuse? I suspect not or you would not be on narcotics pain meds.
What I am having issues with is how I did this to myself yet was warned and well knew the damage I was doing but I was in denial and day after day, year after year I told myself I would quit tomorrow. Now I am a frickin' cripple. |
I apologize for being such a kill joy but I have a busy few months ahead and while today I am trying to do stuff, I find myself on the couch every few minutes. I must confess I am not doing my walking in that it is all I can do to keep up with the simple daily basics. This sucks.
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I often attended, when family allowed, my daughter's rehab. Crazy; but thru attending her rehab; I quit smoking. I was a 2 1/2 pk. a day smoker; know the denial; thinking I could just cut back "not"!!! During her treatment; I started the patches; and know I can't ever even have one cigarette; or it's all over. I also attended a few AA meetings with her. I continue to blame myself doing things really was hurting like "hell"; especially the lumbar spine and I still continued. I eventually needed spinal fusion and the discs were protruding into the spine so part of the spinal cord covering was removed; thus failed spinal surgery; which pain meds; which incurred several problems eventually the neuropathy kicked in. The hardest part was finally coming to "acceptance" of my condition But...... and a big "But"; I could sit on the "pity pot" which I did for some time.....or learn to adjust to accomplishing what I can do. I am still able to do things a bit differently; but I can still be with family, get meals together and so on and so forth; plus those magnets on my refrigerator really help me a lot. I have a lot of daily conversation with God (my higher power). We get thru each day......as you well know the statement..."One Day At A Time. Please don't give up on yourself. Be proud of what you accomplished yesterday.:hug: Gerry (Geri) |
Thank you Gerry for sharing your story and your faith. I needed it just now.
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The burning and pain is very much back. I tell myself that the nerves are healing with movement but human nature is to avoid pain, especially when it will bring one back to the drink. It is a quandary that I have not yet figured out.
Thank you my Friends. Hangin' in one day at a time but lying on my couch brings me some relief and yet the upcoming months will force me to push very hard. I am not sure I can tolerate the pain. |
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Have you seen a doctor for the neuropathy? Do you take anything for nerve pain? Gerry (Geri) |
I did early on but got no relief. I will need go there again. Ugh...I hate being dosed but it is much worse than 4 years ago, and of course I continued to drink expecting a drug to take the pain the pain away so I could drink. That is how an addict or alcoholic mind works. Delusional but alcohol is how we cope and only way to manage our life.
Yes my sweet Friend, in sobriety I will need revisit the med option. |
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"I would rather live my life thinking there is a God, and die to find out there it is, than to live my life as if there is no God, and die to find out there is." I am 43 and the past 5.5 years have been the best in my life - and there is no sign of that plateauing anytime soon. Just my $0.02 CDN in the USA. :D |
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That is worth much much more. Good quote.... Geri |
But I have lived my life right and ALWAYS did the best thing for family, friends and strangers. I believed in God but maybe not so much lately,... but if there is a judgment day I think I will fare well.
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I took my garbage out and fell. It was a 10 lb bag and yet without my cane I fell. Thank goodness is was dark and did not feel public humiliation, just my own. Perhaps better days? Ugh...ouchy knees now.
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That's a real "bummer"....... You deserve a:hug: Geri |
Sadly sometimes the lengthy castigation & delivery of our own humiliation is far worse than what the public offer. I hope your knees don't give you too much trouble.
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Today is 133 days since being admitted to a hospital in the US of A with various problems relating to alcohol abuse, mainly Acute Pancreatitis.
Life is much different today! I had an appointment at my English hospital this morning to give me the all clear from my last CT scan. My neuropathy still comes and goes. Yesterday I thought it might have gone for good...but then pain back this morning. It's clear my burning / tingling comes back with consumption of too much sugar, too much caffeine and / or overuse of my feet whilst wearing incorrect footwear. And obviously alcohol did the damage to begin with. When drinking daily (hourly), my resting heart rate was around 100. It's now 58 BPM. I do train pretty intense, but I'm shocked at how quickly we can heal ourselves. My blood pressure is 110 / 64, down from around 150/100. Weight was 113kg at worst and now 88kg. I'm going on a beach holiday in a few weeks. The past 10 or so I've had a huge concern every time in advance 'How do I lose weight while consuming my daily intake in calories in alcohol alone?' My best suggestion was to drink Vodka instead of wine....the idea of just not drinking was ridiculous. All of that hassle and conundrum of how to service my alcohol habit while travelling is gone too. I used to spend every holiday...'Let's go on a fishing trip...actually...I wonder if they'll have beer on the boat. Maybe they won't...not worth the risk. How about we go to a water park....hmmm what if they don't have wine there, let's not risk it. Let me just sit at the bar in the hotel, tip the barman heavy so he prioritises me, and shout anyone down who says I'm getting too drunk with the excuse that I'm on holiday'. My partner and I are doing a lot better too. She had got carried away with drinking but with some steering in the right direction she's back to her normal self. We're planning on starting a family soon. We're both almost 30 so it's about time we made a start! Neither of us wanted to bring a child into the world whilst not healthy ourselves, and stable. I can't believe now how much I was willing to sacrifice for something that really wasn't that good anyway. |
2100 days sober.
Not much to report...just a normal month for me. Carry on! |
I read an interview in GQ Magazine with Brad Pitt. He said he was drinking every day and eventually lost feeling in his finger tips, which he regained after a period of abstinence. Seems it also impacts the great and the good!
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I think Eric Clapton is the most prominent victim: Eric Clapton reveals nerve damage that makes playing guitar ‘hard work’ - The Washington Post
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One of the worst antibiotic for PN is Levaquin; I took it for two weeks after bladder surgery some years back. That's when the Neuropathy really got bad. Mrs. D appears to have this one pretty close to the top of her list of Neuropathy causing antibiotics. Gerry |
Well my friends, my stress and anxiety got the best of me and I could not handle it any more. I drank 8 beers on an empty stomach, and got drunk and belligerent to my son and we had a major fight. It was over nothing but just be acting out and he kept saying "You are insane" "Are u drunk?" After that I went out looking for a liquor store. I had no clue that it was 12:30AM I thought maybe like 8, and I was desperate and driving all over looking for booze. I was so outta it. I NEVER EVER DRIVE DRUNK! That is my one rule, not since college anyway when the coos back then would follow you home to make sure you got home safely for follow you to a diner to make sure you got some coffee. Nope, hard and fast rule, never drive drunk. Well I did, got pulled over by a cop, asked me questions, smelled the booze, and had me do some tests. I could not walk but told him I had neuropathy issues from chemo and could not answer where I had been coming from. Why he ever let me go I will never know but he did give me an $85 ticket. maybe cuz I was so close to my place when he pulled me over but I was obviously intoxicated. After that first beer there was no going back and the fall was hard. It was like I could not get enough.
This morning I called for a doctor's appointment. I cried the whole time and while I never mentioned alcohol I told him I was terribly depressed with anxiety and panic attacks. he asked about my life and said most people struggle with must one of the major life traumas and you have 6 or 7. I am so hopeful drug therapy will help as I can never remain sober as much as I have tried it is agonizing. I f*cked up big time and thank god I did not hurt anyone, crash my car or lose my license when so many people depend on me. lesson learned. Never again. Accountability, right Icehouse? Day 1. |
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Sorry to hear about the lapse, it happens, more often than not. Hopefully this will be the last one and the counter will stay rolling upwards from today. Glad you are OK. |
Thank you Icehouse. I hate meds but I know I can't do it alone. I had 13 years sobriety but life was simpler then. Like the doc said, I can't fix your life but the goal is to help you cope better. Again I hid the alcohol history.
Perhaps the cop let me off because I used the cancer card. I never share that with anyone but perhaps he felt pity on me? I will never understand why he let me go but I am forever grateful for the second chance. I thank my higher power that I did not hurt anyone. I could never live with that burden. 2 weeks for the med to start taking effect. i will hang in. :) |
Hey SecondChances I'm so glad to read you are ok. After a lapse people beat themselves up so much it can become overwhelming & lead to more trauma. You have much behind you and so much more to look forward to. Just a suggestion, maybe send the Copper a small card of thanks. You might be able to find at least what house he came from on your fine. I don't mean to trivialise it, but a lapse is just that. You can move on from it. Hang in there.
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I must never forget how the addiction comes back with such a vengeance. I had no control and even when cop pulled me over I was chill and thought "whatever". In my sober state I fear my shadow but with the cop I was "whatever" and chill. That is why alcohol will bring me back til I can get some control w meds. I hate meds but it is time. Alcohol either makes me bitchy and I can fight the world or I just don't care bout anything. I need balance. |
As to my "folly", pins n needles r the same as to the fire in my legs but def a change in the leg weakness. I had not realized the small gains but I do now.My legs were far better in abstinence.
Also an oddity....I am borderline diabetic and so I try to control my diet. I needed alcohol or sugar so I decided to go with less of two evils. I bought jelly donuts, chocolate, licorice and cookies. It stopped the alcohol cravings but I don't dare check my glucose levels. At least I am sober thru day 1. What a strange and baffling disease. Why would one choose this existence? |
Thanks for updating us to your condition. Was concerned when hadn't heard from you. Whether drugs or alcohol; it is so inviting at the beginning; and then once it has you in its "grip"..... it has you by the throat; it is no longer having chosen such an existence.
Whatever means you need; it's never too late to start counting. Glad you are back. You have really given some thought to the officer that let you go. Hopefully, you were a "special" case and he does not give passes regularly. Good thinking on your part. Keep counting and please never give up.... Gerry |
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Alcohol is a cheat and a liar. You think you have beat it, but you never can. It is a legal evil. But SecondChances, don't beat yourself up over a lapse, you've done it before so you can get back on that wagon. Good luck buddy. |
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Is it possible to get Metanx via the internet? I have spoken to my G.P. and he say's it is not licensed in the UK. But at the same time, i have heard lots of horror stories regarding drugs/meds purchased over the web. Stay strong mate.:) |
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