[Nabilejlm]

I'm always trying to pull myself together but sometimes...sometimes I'm just tired. I'm new to the forum and I hope I can find people to relate to . I had a pretty much healthy childhood besides from having to wear orthopedic shoes to fix my dropped foot arch. That never interfered with my physical activities at school. I remember feeling the best in my life the summer before high school when I started losing weight (I have always been chubby). It wasn't until my freshman year that all of the sudden I began limping, no reason, no pain just limping!!! My mother which at the time her and I didnt have a good relationship never bothered to take me to the doctor... My health began getting worst after sophomore ended became depressed I started skipping school specially Rotc class since I couldn't stand the looks of people when I had to march and I couldn't keep up the pace. Balance problems began and I could barely go up a flight of stairs without holding onto the rail. After I graduated from high school I began to see an orthopedist which referred me to a neurologist I had many test done and hope of getting better since I began falling for no reason. I was finally diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in 2006, and I had gone from weighting 120lbs freshman year to 200 lbs .I began wearing braces (afo ) since my foot dropped and I lost my balance often, I stopped seeing my doctor in 2008, because I lost hope later that year I had the strength to lose 40lbs and a year later I graduated from college with honors .*Now I have tried to better myself and not let this get to me but recently I began feeling numbness in my foot and sometimes spasm I began taking vitamins which help , I never have pain other than my knee when I push my limits. I know I should go back to my neurologist . I know I suffer from depression every now and then and anxiety at times it was hard having to stop dancing which was my passion . I have seen a therapist which helped during the time after my boyfriend broke up with me in 2009.Its contradictory to say that this illness had help but I don't think I would be were I am if it wasn't for everything I been through.As of today I work as a preschool director since im able walk although stairs are trouble but manageable but I can't run or do many of the things I used to without my braces. Most people such as friends think I have it all together since I attract guys because of my personality and I hold an ok job and I am financially stable and I'm currently working on my bachelors, I pretend to be strong and physically all they see is a person who walks with a limp but inside there us more to it. Now I have met the most wonderful person who wishes to marry me and I feel so lucky but I just can't I'm too scared. He is aware of my illness and he wants to have a family but I feel impotent thinking how could I ever have children if my mom assist me at home with things like getting my laundry from the basement to my room . I feel so upset because I dont want to miss the opportunity of marrying person who I love but I can't let him get into this if I keep getting worst and Im not be able to have kids with him. I just began feeling depressed again so I'm going back to my therapist because I know my family needs me . I had always envision becoming successful and helping my single mother and two younger sisters whom I have a wonderful relationship but the thought of not being able to one day do it kills me . My friends and family say im sabotaging my happiness because I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend but I feel like they say that because they love me and want to see me happy but I would feel horrible if years from now I end up in a wheelchair (which my boyfriend says had he met me in one he would still love me) he will hold a grudge or feel like he waisted his life with me.I pray everyday to find a way to cope best and not give up but some days im too tired to deal with it and just want to throw in the towel!!