I'm always trying to pull myself together but sometimes...sometimes I'm just tired. I'm new to the forum and I hope I can find people to relate to . I had a pretty much healthy childhood besides from having to wear orthopedic shoes to fix my dropped foot arch. That never interfered with my physical activities at school. I remember feeling the best in my life the summer before high school when I started losing weight (I have always been chubby). It wasn't until my freshman year that all of the sudden I began limping, no reason, no pain just limping!!! My mother which at the time her and I didnt have a good relationship never bothered to take me to the doctor... My health began getting worst after sophomore ended became depressed I started skipping school specially Rotc class since I couldn't stand the looks of people when I had to march and I couldn't keep up the pace. Balance problems began and I could barely go up a flight of stairs without holding onto the rail. After I graduated from high school I began to see an orthopedist which referred me to a neurologist I had many test done and hope of getting better since I began falling for no reason. I was finally diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in 2006, and I had gone from weighting 120lbs freshman year to 200 lbs .I began wearing braces (afo ) since my foot dropped and I lost my balance often, I stopped seeing my doctor in 2008, because I lost hope later that year I had the strength to lose 40lbs and a year later I graduated from college with honors .*Now I have tried to better myself and not let this get to me but recently I began feeling numbness in my foot and sometimes spasm I began taking vitamins which help , I never have pain other than my knee when I push my limits. I know I should go back to my neurologist . I know I suffer from depression every now and then and anxiety at times it was hard having to stop dancing which was my passion . I have seen a therapist which helped during the time after my boyfriend broke up with me in 2009.Its contradictory to say that this illness had help but I don't think I would be were I am if it wasn't for everything I been through.As of today I work as a preschool director since im able walk although stairs are trouble but manageable but I can't run or do many of the things I used to without my braces. Most people such as friends think I have it all together since I attract guys because of my personality and I hold an ok job and I am financially stable and I'm currently working on my bachelors, I pretend to be strong and physically all they see is a person who walks with a limp but inside there us more to it. Now I have met the most wonderful person who wishes to marry me and I feel so lucky but I just can't I'm too scared. He is aware of my illness and he wants to have a family but I feel impotent thinking how could I ever have children if my mom assist me at home with things like getting my laundry from the basement to my room . I feel so upset because I dont want to miss the opportunity of marrying person who I love but I can't let him get into this if I keep getting worst and Im not be able to have kids with him. I just began feeling depressed again so I'm going back to my therapist because I know my family needs me . I had always envision becoming successful and helping my single mother and two younger sisters whom I have a wonderful relationship but the thought of not being able to one day do it kills me . My friends and family say im sabotaging my happiness because I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend but I feel like they say that because they love me and want to see me happy but I would feel horrible if years from now I end up in a wheelchair (which my boyfriend says had he met me in one he would still love me) he will hold a grudge or feel like he waisted his life with me.I pray everyday to find a way to cope best and not give up but some days im too tired to deal with it and just want to throw in the towel!!

Hi welcome though I am sorry about your pain and struggles
I will try to offer a few thoughts. First I think it is good you are going to therapy and you also may want to talk about meds for the mental side. As my pain doctor says you can't face health problems like this and it not impact you mentally. Between self coping skills,meds,therapy it can help to cope. I would also encourage you and your boyfriend to get therapy together. Have you told him what you stated here about your fears of wheelchair and the children? If not I think you need to.
I understand your fears trust me but they may not happen and then those fears would of stopped you from experiencing happiness. This condition has sent me into a very fearful and worried person so I try to make small goals and to stay in the day. It is a constant battle.
Though I know you are struggling and I don't want to take away from that I do feel you have really wored hard and I give you so much credit. Look at all the positives you have accomplished through the barriers?
On a side note you stated you had a lot of testing but what about for auto immune conditions etc? What type of blood work etc have you had?
If you want an email buddy please feel free to PM me.

You are totally right on missing out on many things because of fear . Yes actually last night my boyfriend and I discussed every single fear (I had a mental breakdown) and he said we can fight it together to take it one day at a time that no matter what he will be there I just hope if anything he will keep his word so we will see what happens I hope things turn out for.the best !!!

Nabilejlm -
You totally deserve to be happy with this man and in your life. I hope you will take daniella's advice and go to therapy together. Depression is a struggle and I hope you will not take that part of your illness lightly -- I know my husband has had his life limited due to my illness, but I cannot even imagine not having that emotional support - and physical support at times. We all have a need to be needed and you can be an emotional support to him as he is to you and he can also be a physical support to you as you continue to make him feel more loved than ever -- isn't that we all really need - someone who thinks we are amazing? Don't sell yourself short in what you can offer -- good luck to both of you and I'm hoping for a happy ending.

I appreciate all the replies I really wanted to get some advice from people besides my family and friends that would be bias so I wouldnt feel like they just said what I wanted to hear. I have been given an opportunity to live my life next to a wonderful man and I wont pass it up

It sounds like you are feeling more positive? You know how you think he is a wonderful man it sounds like he thinks you are a wonderful women. I was thinking of this post in relation to myself. I feel with conditions like this not only does it impact depression,anxiety,but also self esteem. I know it is hard to not focus on what this can or has taken away but if one can start to focus on the goals and things they have and can accomplish. There is a lot I can't do but I am trying to find things I can. Sometimes I guess it is about doing things in a different way but still have fufillment and joy. Ok sorry for this little novel. Stay strong and keep us updated

Yes I am , I had a really bad week but I'm so thankful for my family and my boyfriend they support me all the time .. Yes couldn't agree more not only do we need to learn how to differently but depression,anxiety hit us hard but we can still try to do things who is to say there is only one way although it seems nearly impossible at first. I know what you mean about self esteem for me it was so hard when I began to use braces for my dropped foot but I know that things could be worst if I didn't have my afos I probably would able to work or even walk outside. Dont be upset its only normal to miss the things we can no longer do but you will be able to find a new way to do them that you probably never thought you could do. Each day makes us a bit stronger, although some days are cloudier than others !!

Just sending good wishes....

What you're going through -- struggles with a basic physical ability like walking -- seems like something most people face when they're much older.

I'm sorry. It's not fair.

I've always hiked and walked. It's my most important psychological relief. Now I have numbness starting in my feet, and the neuro says the motor nerves are weakened as well. So it may be the neuropathy which finally ends my walking.

But I'm 57 years old! That makes it different. I've reached the point where I know that something will start taking my abilities away. You're shouldn't be there yet!

Again, I'm sorry.

Therapy, yes! Double yes.

I hope your therapist is a good fit for you -- if she's not, find one who is. You should walk out of a session feeling emotionally cleansed, newly open, with something like a calm center beginning to grow inside. That would be a sign of good therapy.

If you walk out of a session feeling bruised and confused, find someone whose personality fits you better. Don't hesitate or be shy about it -- therapists are professionals and all of them should know that personalities must fit for good work to be done.

My beloved girlfriend does an exercise when her health class reaches the topic of aging: she hands each student five slips of paper and has them write their five favorite activities on them. Then she goes around the room and takes away one slip from each student -- "That's what aging does to people," she says. Then she goes around and takes away another slip...

Now here's the punchline: I told that to a therapist recently. Without missing a beat he said, "She took away what they wrote, but she didn't take away the pen!"

Right! Even though we lose abilities, we can still write ourselves a strange and beautiful life.

Keep posting, and tell us how things are going.

Thanks for your thoughts too you are very kind
Don though I agree with some of what you stated sometimes in therapy you do feel worse mentally before you get better. The reason is cause you are working and dealing with emotional and hard issues. I have had a lot of therapy pre this condition as well and I will agree that not every therapist is a match to the patient. I am complicated like many but I always do a pre interview on the phone and get the approach of therapist. There are different types focus too whether CBT,DBT,etc