[AussieDebbie]

This is a rant, perhaps like a journal entry for me. It's safe to write here, for my family will never come here to this forum. So, I do not necessarily expect others to read it, it's therapy for me to get this out, as it's been poisonong me all week.

I visited my mother on the weekend. She is the matriarch of the family, and is very opinionated. When she gives advice it's expected to be taken. She will tell you it's just advice and she doesn't care either way, but if you go against her advice, one day it will come back to haunt you. I'm sure you have all known someone similar in your lives.

Over the years I've not visited my mother as often as a good daughter should. Reason being that I leave her place mentally exhausted from all the criticisms and judgements. The tone she uses with me often leaves me feeling deflated and like I've been a naughty child.

Well this weekend she decided to corner me about my job. I work part time, and in her opinion should work longer hours. When I explained that my pain was severe enough that I can barely stand the hours I current work, she told me to get a more positive attitude. She said that every time she sees me all I want to talk about is my health, tests I've had, etc. She told me to talk of more enjoyable topics please. That I was bringing the mood down. She said that if I keep telling myself I'm sick I'm going to talk my body into believing it. This turned into a lecture about mind over matter, and how my negativity was making me believe it.

This really made me sad. I had no idea I'd been speaking obsessively about my illness. Genuinely, I'd made a conscious effort not to chat about my condition unless asked about it. Also, it hit me that she had no idea how bad things truly are for me.

When she persisted with the idea of me giving up the part time work, which I love by the way, to search for a 'better' job, I almost broke down in tears. I asked her to imagine a toothache that never let up. Now imagine the Dentist kept telling you that he could see nothing, that X-rays showed no sign of decay. The tooth according to him was perfectly healthy. Now imagine this occuring in a number of teeth, 24/7. She then took a moment, and understood, I hope!

No doubt she will forget and pester me again in future. I can tell that it frustrates her that she can't help me. Perhaps that is why she would rather not speak of it often. This is something she cannot control. It's happening to me, not her.

I just wish this illness was more publically known. If I had Cancer the family would let me be sick. If I had MS the family would let me be sick. But because its invisible and not well known, I'm to behave normally, no I can't be sick!

It frustrates me to no end. My family are supposed to be the ones who smother me with love and hugs if I get a common cold, yet I suffer this pain and there is little understanding. Perhaps this is my perception. Maybe I am driving them nuts, and need to shut up.

I feel evil in my soul. Sometimes, like when my mother put forward the idea of me working longer hours, I wish she would get a good taste of neuropathy herself. Only for a week. Long enough that she will never forget the pain I suffer on a daily basis. It's horrible to wish this on others, and for that I feel ashamed.

Anyway, if you have read all this, thank you for sticking it out to the end.

It's simply the rankings of a woman in pain. Nothing we haven't seen on these forums before. Lol

I love my mother, but felt the need to get this out. It's not her fault, it's the pain's fault. It's ruining my life, and I guess now I know it's ruining others around me too.