((((((((shiney sue))))))))

Gosh, you account of the doctor's visit struck me. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

(((((((((shiney sue))))))))))

You write so many nice messages on this board that I'm sorry you still feel lonely... though it's hard to mainly get contact through boards, as opposed to being out and about seeing people smile back at you.

((((((((((shiney sue)))))))))))

just to let you know that I'm thinking about you.

I can so relate and sorry for everyone else feeling this way too. I think for me before this issue I had this and svere depression/anxiety so this pn doesn't help. I think a person can feel lonely even with many supports because sometimes the sadness/confusion is within. I have been working on my self coping mechanisms. I find making myself do as much as possible whether it go to a book store,sit outside so on. That if I get asked to lunch for ex and feel like crap try to push myself and just explain how I feel. Its hard as hell but can help the mood and sometimes even the pain. I do feel like reaching out and even if they don't understand still using your voice. I encourage support groups which for me I'm still working on finding for pain but have been in the past for depression/anxiety. I also encourage the therapy. I'm also going to look into biofeedback which I think is so helpful and really recommend. I also am working on trying to be positive which is not my strong point. I tend to focus on what I can't do rather then what I have accomplished and goals for the future if that make sense. Also I try not to compare which has been hard. I see my friends always partying and carefree and I often feel jealous. I'm glad there happy but look for that inner peace. I have to find my own peace. Sending thoughts and I wish we all lived near. You all have been amazing support and show so much strength. Your amazing role models.

Hi daniella,

One thing you wrote was so like what I find for myself, so often.

Once when I was living in London in the derelict building I was watching a music show that had these little Felix the Cat cartoon features that were like stars in the sky... I can't explain it.

Anyway, one night the cartoon asked, "Have you always been a failure?"

And I thought, "I should just admit it."

And then the cartoon changed and it said, "So why worry now?"


It was such an eye opener for me, because the fact is that I've mostly been successful. Like in University I was selected to be on the University Center Board without me trying to get the job... I was Cultural Committee Chairman and I had a great budget so heads of departments would come to me to bring in speakers and performers they wanted to have at our school, even one Dean came to me. And I was voted Chairman of the year because so many of the students attended my meetings. (Mainly because I'd decided that I needed a lot of the senior and junior guys with skills on my committee, and I didn't see them coming to talk to each other, so I also invited a lot of the Freshmen girls to join...

Etc.

And even in the derelict building, when I had a 7 come 11 party, in the hopes I wouldn't be deported in between those dates, the managing editor of the Sunday Times and his writer wife came... and others... Oh, I think the man I typed the investigative journalism book for, Charles Raw, came... It was great... there were even more fun people there... gosh... one of my friends was so handsome, I mean just extraordinarily so. And his father had been THE puppet guy on telly in England when we had Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd...

When he was a tiny child, just a baby really, his father had dressed him up as Punch, like in Punch and Judy, so that when he jumped up and down in his crib he amused his father...

But I don't ever remember seeing Jonathan when he wasn't in a pose...



Sorry.... I got carried away. Who would think living in a derelict building would turn out to have such good memories?


Okay, so now I am beginning to think that the reason we don't remember our accomplishments and get depressed is low B12...

It's been clearly shown by research that low B12 affects memory and causes depression...

Right this minute my vision is very blurry -- there's so much stress for me again -- yet I know that if I go give myself a B12 shot, then in a couple hours things will literally look more clear.


((((((((daniella)))))))))


Also, I'm sure my B12 level in terms of what is in my blood, is many thousands of times higher than most people's.

But I also know that I had decades of depletion to deal with... and in ten years my fingernails have become quite smooth, showing that there has been a lot of replacement and repair deep within my body....

But stress just continues to eat it up. (Darn it!)



((((((((((daniella))))))))))))