I think empathy is a gene in one's body. I'm probably wrong, but this is what I think. I have it, my son does not. He is now a robot in a virtual world. He has explained that empathy is just not what he feels and that is that. Blah blah blah.

I've spent the better part of 6 years, speaking to psychologist after psychiatrist about my son. Everyone said "we've never met a kid like your son". Therapy does not work. Every therapist has given up. He won't go to groups, because he knows everything.

He has been diagnosed with both Narcissistic Personality disorder, as well as Aspergers.

Whatever he has, it stinks, and absolutely can ruin a family dynamics.

How we can reach people like him, well I will never know. I do know I have tried. I've been up till 3 a.m. with suicide hotline people trying to make sure he's allright, only to be told they can't speak to me because after all I might be a hit person. Imagine a kid of 20, letting his parents believe he is suicidal and that he does this just to be picked up and taken to crisis centers where he gets a square meal and a snack and a bed for the night. He has admitted as much to me.

I have been told that "his brain is not wired like other people".

Oh really?? You have no idea how many people email me and describe the same situation in their own household.

This cannot be a coincidence. The rise in personality disorders, and aspergers, well, it's astronomical.

If research doesn't get to he bottom of this, I fear for the future of our world.

All these self centered people are developing personalities totally geared to their own well-being. So what is to become of he parents who raised them, who loved them. Are we going to be warehoused when we hit 80 or so??

I don't know. I find it very strange. I remember the old days, 40 or 50 years ago, when kids respected their moms and dads and didn't expect he mom and dad to support them for the rest of their life. When they went to school to learn, and not to bring guns and shoot up schools and malls.

We never had this in my younger years. Just look what is happening now.

I don't get it!!! I never will.

mel

Just got in from my daughter -in .law's speech on how the Day care children
have reacted to what they at age 2 reacted to the bombings..Nighmares
after what they saw still..Some can describe seeing the death,can describe
the smells of charred burned skin. And yet others will look at you she
said,like what are you talking about ,what are all these people talking
about??? Like there parents have lost there minds. and ones who
totally do no remember there father who died one floor up. Then the ones
who can't forget the Mother who change there diaper,how can this be
they decribe it like she was still there making them comfy.

I have always been told you are basically your set in your way at 6,but she
we forget many times who was it that raised them,Dad ,Mom,grandparents
foster care. Her book will be out in Oct. on all of this,And to our surprse,
we all found out tonight it will made into a movie..

Amy's parents divoced when she was 3 her brother 4. One week they lived at
dad's and one week at Mon's..That didn't happen so much when we were
kid's,I have tried my best to remenber this i just don't..Amy and her brother
were close,her brother had no problem with his mother ,he has 3 daughters
never has he let them see his father or step mother..Amy loves all of them,
she refuses to let her pass destroy her future..The brother and family
live in Pasdena,Ca. they had a successful business,a beautiful home..He would only say fathers should never leave the mother of there children..
Last year her brother lost there business there home,why the mother of his
3 little curly hair girls, became addicted to cocaine..They tried the family
except his dad to get her help,she refused,he won't leave her.

Well until something can be done for those little girls parents my son and
daughter-in-law took theem to court...The Judge told Amy's brother he was
a enabler and needed help,and he wanted know if he had anything to say.
Yes you have tured me into my father..The mother agree to get help,
so now Ryan and Amy have custody of 3 little confused girls..The brother made threats and is the hospital,I can only pray he will get help and as well
as the girls mom and they can be a father and mom again..Her whole family is here
and the girls met there grandfather,,I just sat and watched the joy and fear
in there eyes...Who did they stay close to,why Bob of course. We live
in a sad world.Bob didn't try to get there love,he just gentle,read to them,
answered there question when he could..They are very excited we are suppose to 8 inch. of snow,it's late,he woke there grandfather up,and Ryan
I went into the living room,and there the were all watching the snow.
There Grandfater,said let's go out and make snow angels for your mom and
dad. Wonderful the fear went out of there eyes...I can only say what a day

And I have 60 people coming to a dinner at a resturant,oh boy 8 inches
of snow..Hope those snow angels work,I made Hot Chocolate and woke
everyone up,they must know lots of people love them,they still have time.
Bob whispered in my ear that was fun,put a little rum in mine I hurt
everywhere...Escuse the mess and hugs to all..I have a older brother
who is a socialpath being with him is like being on a rolercoaster,and
someimes you just have to get off and leave no matter how much it hurts.
Hugs Sue


.

Just because a person is not expressive (or is introverted) does not mean
they have little or no empathy. These types show their concern by generous
behaviors, but may be uncomfortable verbally.

I have a book called The Sociopath Next Door. In it are estimates that 1 in 25 are sociopaths.

For you Mel, I've seen articles about autism and Asperger's and these patients may resemble criminal psychopathy, but typically are NOT criminal.
So lack of empathy is not always a sign of criminality. Criminal behavior is also connected with lack of conscience. And I think those are two separate issues.
Lack of conscience seems to be genetic.

But I agree you must endure alot with your son. I would find it very hard myself to deal with that level of lack of emotion. I guess that is why many Asperger's patients live alone.

I also think empathy may be genetic in some cases - but is learned also..... another phrase to describe it is "active listenting" - just repeating what a person just says to you to let them know you understand what they are saying is sometimes so crucial.... I actually had a class back in the dark ages in B school just on this topic - at the time I thought it was a fun easy A - but it was critical for people going into management - etc.... (of course some never got it anyway).... if you dont listen you dont hear what others real needs and pain may be - and just by repeating back to them acknowledges those feelings.....

In regards to social situations - it is interesting to watch how others respond to tramatic effects in our own lives.... those with empathy often understand the I'm sorry, what can I do, or even just a HUG sends such a strong message... its a comfort - people need to know they are being heard, that no one else can take away the pain, but there are those who care and you can reach out to them if need be - just again, for a HUG...... and yes, there is an "outpouring" right after a tramatic life event - and it does disspear very fast - and Cyclops - you're right - its important to continue to remember those people who are hurting - the first holidays, etc.....

For those of us chronically ill and dealing with huge life changes ourselves - I watch how my fam and friends have dealth with it... I cant participate in normal life any more, including eating and driving - some of them have been great - some literally pretend I'm dead... (she cant eat or drive - why bother) And if one is homebound - the pain can be devestating.....

I encourage all of us to reach out to someone else (and sometimes I mean just literally physcially reach out) and offer them comfort - everyone we come in contact with with influence in some way - one never knows when it will make an important change to another.......

I agree that certain aspects of empathy are genetic, when my daughter passed two of my closest friends didn't attend the service or acknowlegde her death with a card.
I am forgiving of them because I understand they lack the skills to be able to contact me, whether it's denial or not being able to face me with the right words, instead I feel bad for them.
As for here on the home front, I don't get empathy from anyone, which sometimes makes me furious, but I keep it to myself. I feel that no one can feel your pain or the intensity of it so they can't understand something they can't visualize.
On a lighter note I have started pool therapy, I love it, all floaty and no pain, I might be able to restart all my frozen muscles afterall, oh for a pool in my backyard, covered of course!!

kmeb:

You wrote: "some literally pretend I'm dead... (she cant eat or drive - why bother) And if one is homebound - the pain can be devestating....."

My god, who would have ever thought that family members can think like this.
My how times have changed.

Melody

People in many cases are afraid of illness or dont know how to deal with it - for some they are scared they are going to "catch" my neuropathy (I've had drivers from the agency I use for transportation make me sit in the back seat for fear of germs) - others I know it upsets them to see me so disabled after being so active my whole life - but the true ones hang in there... but think about how many activities revolve around food and meals... I dont mind watching others eat, but if you cant drive to get to the location and I'm out of the way of anyone really any more - ya kinda get forgotten.....