BJ...
 

I just wanted to leave you a hug and let you know that we're thinking about you. :hug:

check in when you can..this family misses you! :grouphug:

:hug: just a wee butt squeeze for ya bj. :D

sending you lots of love and prayers.

your monkeysis.

Please know we are all thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers.
I hope your feeling better and that I see you posting again soon. luv ya B.P.
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/m...ingOfYou44.gif

I can't shut off my computer till I hear good news! Any? We miss ya Bp!

Dear Girlie,
We will be right here when you return home....:hug:
They will take good care of you...I am presuming that you were admitted.
I guess we will jsut have to be patiently waiting to hear from her.
Please post here if any one hears from her.
thanks
bizi

I woke up with BJ on my mind this morning.... sending you positive thoughts and a prayer that you'll be home soon!!!!!! :hug:

(((BJ))) I hope you are resting comfortably. Love and hugs. :hug:

:hug:((((((((((((((((BJ))))))))))))))))):hug:

:Heart:

Hi Me BP?
 

I hope that you are resting peacefully. I'm just now finding the posts where you where several days ago. I was searching in the Bipolar area. I hope that you are getting the help that you need. We love ya...:hug: Brokenfriend

bumping up for BJ :grouphug:

Bumpity bump bump! :hug:

I'm getting anxious to hear how she is doing. I'm assuming she's in the hospital being taken care of. I hope they let her use a computer soon, if she feels up to it.

((bj))

She hasn't answered my emails Doody so I assume she is in the hospital too. I know we are all worried about her and I hope she can feel the love we have for her. :grouphug:

Actually, her situation really got me to thinking. If I'm still an active member of a board, my daughter has instructions to get ahold of you, Alffe, or Duck or both to let people know if I disappear from action. Well, you're my friends anyway so would want you to know. (I love all my 'internet' friends.) :hug:

I've been thinking about BJ too.... You know Doody, I told Rick the very same thing not a week ago... If something happens to me he'd better be sure and let you guys know!!!!

We are all anxious to hear from Bp. Reminds me of the scare I left you with when I disappeared last month. I was going through a lot more drama and couldn't even tune into my computer. Sorry, next time I'll tell ya I'm leaving for a bit.

hubby and lil'monkey know where my address book is. has screen and real names. has my passwords for here and email too. they will be a in a world of hurt if they ever look in it and i'm ok. :wink:

same with my cell phone for those i have numbers on.

but anywho....

bj sweets, i was thinking about you too. we love and care about you. miss you tons. praying that you are getting the care and help you so deserve.

:hug:


:grouphug: <----for the room.

If you see these posts BJ, I just wanted you to know you've been on my mind as well. :hug:

My apologies
 

I'm sorry for not checking in, I'm just so embarrassed right now. I feel like I should walk around with a big sticker on my forehead saying "I'm Mentally Ill'', that's how they made me feel. Our mental health system has a lot to be desired. It's just a big joke. Just collect "happy" points hoping that they'll let you go. I only have one thing I need to do and that is to floss my teeth and hug Hooper. Do you know that they take dental floss away from you for fear you'll cut yourself :( and your blow dryer for fear you'll burn yourself? But they let you keep your sneakers :confused: I'll explain more why I'm so frustrated. I want to get Hooper out to the park before the big thunderstorms get here that we're expecting. She's been cooped up in a cage all week and I feel I've let her down too.

So glad you are home dearheart....sounds like you are expecting the same weather we have been warned about here.

I can only imagin how happy Hooper was to see you....And you take Baby steps as David would say. :grouphug:

So good to hear from you!!! So glad you are back with Hooper too. You two have all evening to catch up and love each other. Please write more when you can and just have a wonderful relaxing evening in YOUR home:)

:hug: BJ:hug:
so good to hear from you

First I want to thank you all for talking me through it when I was so down. I was feeling so alone and didn't know where to turn. I'm sorry for putting you all through that. :o

I know I have a long way to go but it’s so hard when you’ve been through what I have. I spent 7 days there and I feel like I’m not any better off than I was. No I’m not suicidal now and all it did was get my Lithium up to a therapeutic level much quicker and wait it out until the thoughts went away. I don’t remember much but I didn’t take my lithium and that’s what sent me spiraling.

My pdoc never met me there like she promised so I had to talk to the on call psych and go through all the “Are you suicidal, do you have a plan?” They gave me 4 stitches in my arm, cleaned it up and started antibiotics because it was infected. After 6 hours of lying in the ER I finally got moved. They started giving me thora? something and Valium to bring me down. I don’t remember much of the next day at all.

But then reality set in where I was. I couldn’t sleep for fear of what might happen while I was sleeping. They make you shut off the lights, TV and close the doors at 11PM. And it’s just darkness with a complete stranger. They make you go to 3 group sessions a day which I can’t deal with but I had to go to get a “happy” point. What’s a happy point? It’s a little game I made up and you get a “happy” point for going to sessions, smiling, etc. That’s why it’s such a joke. I don’t do well in group settings and they know that so I just sat there. I felt like I was in that show I watch sometimes when I can’t sleep on Nick at Night, the Bob Newhart Show. The few times I did meet with a pdoc not much went on. He said I was like a China doll ready to break. He just would say how do you feel today and blah blah blah. I know I disassociated because I didn’t feel comfortable there at all. But apparently I accumulated enough happy points to come home. Now I start a “partial hospitalization” program as they call it and have to spend four hours a day in intensive group therapy.

I've always been a horrible decision maker, takes me forever to make a decision and almost always when I make it, I'll regret it soon afterward.

I wish I could finally make the decision that I will live, I will not commit suicide eventually like Mark did, not follow in his footsteps. I have to keep that decision to live locked and never waver from it. I need to pull myself up instead of just lingering as I have recently. Make some darn progress and if they can’t help me then say so and I’ll find someone who can. I mean, if I’m to kill myself eventually, what’s the point of working so hard and making progress now if it'll all be a waste? So I have to keep fighting it day in and day out and shake off those demons in my head.

I have decided one thing though and that’s I’m never ever going back there again. Something happened and I couldn’t say anything for fear of losing my happy points. I’m more traumatized now than before I went in but for fear of not being able to come home, I didn’t say anything because I was terrified to. Tomorrow I see my regular pdoc and I’m afraid to tell her for fear she won’t believe me. But I'm home with Hooper and can sleep in my own bed without any fears.

((BJ)) It's so good to hear from you and thank you for that!

Of course we all care, but you already know that.

Hey, I don't like group sessions either. Well...it depends on the reason for the 'group' session. I went to a weekend long 'group' session but it was a spiritual group with a wonderful woman leading the group. I've spoken of her before. She's in Colorado and her name is Diana Keck. It changed my views forever.

But a group session with other people with problems for the 'shrinking' doesn't appeal to me at all. If I'm going to therapy, it's with a damned good therapist. I SO wish you could find one. I lucked out. Wherever you are, can you check around and sort of go through what I call an interview type process? And try to discover a really good and compassionate therapist in your area. I swear, they are worth their weight in gold. I've even been thinking about going back to mine, it's been years. And I need a serious tuneup.

Lady sweetie, take those meds! Maybe in the hospital they had you on thorazine? Yes, I think that would knock you for a loop dearheart. But you probably needed that.

I don't know what happened that frightened you, but you are at home now, back on your meds and will soon see your pdoc. I'd be awfullyyyyyy tempted to comment on your doc's absence at the hospital because you were counting on that. I can only assume being a doctor that something came up that made it difficult.

Hon, I really think you need to scout for a good therapist, I really do.

Get one of those daily pill box thingys and put out all your pills for the week in that box and don't forget them.

And you rest tonight with your sweet Hooper. How excited the little guy must have been to see you.

Where is my magic wand? There it is. I'm going to wave it over your head and pray for you to have a good night, sleeping with your gentle furbaby next to your side.

Bless you BJ, and thank you so much for checking in, as hard as we all know that can be at times.

Hugs and much love.

And Oh, don't feel embarrassed or bashful! I understand what you are saying, but we aren't feeling embarassed for you for any reason whatsoever. You were in dire straights that called for immediate action and help. How impressed I am with you that you went through with it.

Bruna sends puppy kisses and tailwags for both you and Hooper.

:hug:

BJ...have you read Kay Jamison's book, An Unquiet Mind? I've always said it's the bible of Bipolar illness. Bizi posted a link to Dr.Jamison giving a talk about her illness and her taking lithium.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxRLap9xLag

It's long....about 20 some mins. but it's excellent.
Maybe tomorrow you can take a look at it.

Sleep well...it stormed here and scared Cooper half to death. I hope you didn't get rainned on when you walked Hooper. :grouphug:

BJ,
I'm so happy to find that you are home... I just got back from the train station picking up my daughter. Its been a crazy day for sure.... I understand why you are embarrassed, but you are with people who love you here.... You have nothing to feel embarrassed about with us.... Give Hooper a big hug and have sweet dreams tonight... I'm so glad you are home!!! :hug:
vicky

Hi BJ
 

I'm glad that you are out of there. That thora was thorazine. I've been on that years ago. It's part of the Major Tranquilizer group. That's what they use to group it as.

I don't respond well to psychologist,"How did that make you feel," stuff either. My Psychiatrist doesn't use that term. That's part of the current teaching in psychology. When I feel like someone's quoting a book to me,or a teaching,or technique,it doesn't do much for me either. Brokenfriend:hug::hug::hug:

Dear Girlie,
Glad that you are home...hospitals are scarey places...and you need to tell your pdoc a couple of things.
1- that you were disappointed that she did not meet you at the hospital.
2- You need to tell her what happened to you there.
she needs to know it and yes she will believe you.

Please try to remember what happened,
why did you stop taking the lithium?
It is important that you refresh the specifics to what happened that led up to this crisis.
How long had you not taken the lithium?
WEre you conscious of this?
I do believe that you had become manic.
PM me if you don't want to discuss any of these questions....
I just think this needs to be addressed.

Remember...the out patient therapy is to help you.
Try not to pretend....no happy points there...show what you are feeling, be present, allow yourself to participate, you are worth this....it is hard sharing and it is important to try like you said.
WE are here for you...lean on us....talk in the group like one of us is there for you, they really do want you to help yourself.
THis is hard work and you are worthy of this effort.
(((((HUGS)))))
love bizi

BJ, so glad you are home with your furry friend. :)

Please know that we care about you and pray you get the help you need. :hug:

Dear BJ,
Hospital stays are traumatic.
The important thing is that they stitched you up and and got your lithium back up. It seemed that you were on a spiral staircase and needed some professionals to get you back on level ground again.
The out patient time will help you transition from hospital to the world.

And tell your pdoc what happened. He'll believe you. If he doesn't, that is his problem.


Please choose to stay in the world. Make that that choice to live.

M.

So sorry the hospital experience wasn't what you'd thought it would be BJ, but I'm pleased you went. We were all so worried about you, and I thank you heaps for getting back to us!

Things have to get better now! :)

We're all on your side, and I don't want you to forget that.

Big hugs heading your way BJ, and I look forward to reading your next post. :grouphug:

What's bothered me during the night is it sounds like something happened to you there, and you had no defence,no advocate,and no police. This should not happen to you,or anyone else.

Maybe their point system should be eliminated,if someone on the staff has found a way to manipulate,or intimidate people,especially when they are vulnerable. Brokenfriend

Bp :hug: Oh it is so nice to come here and see that you have posted and let us know how you are. Thanks for checking in. I am sorry You were treated the way you were when you were there.and I dislike hearing your own doc didnt meet you there like they had promised to you. :(. That makes me angry. but even more then that I'm glad you are back home able to hug and love hopper and be with all of us. We care and worry about eachother here. all of us want you to chose to live, to take baby steps and continue to get help .and that isnt easy . exspecialy when you feel frightened and afraid to share when something bad happens to you. I think maybe finding another t talk is a good idea. but i know lots of time you have to take the doc they send you to . I went threw at least 6 talk docs myself beofre i found one i felt comfortable with and connected to. and that changed my life around.
I pray the same for you BP. never give up on yourself or on life. the universe is a woNderful place and YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON! I beleive you can baby step your way threw this..one day at a time. Slow but sure you can do it. We are here to help eachother make it threw the hard sad lonely depressing times. help eachother get up and help eachother keep going forward. We are here for you. And WE ARE GLAD YOU ARE HERE FOR US!!!!!
:grouphug: Keeping you in my prayers and healing thoughts BP :hug:
PEACE
BMW
P.S. I AM SORRY I HAVENT BEEN HERE TO SEE THIS SOONER. I HAVE BEEN THINKING AND WORRYING ABOUT YOU PRAYING FOR THE BEST. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

That also makes me angry that her doctor didn't meet her there. I'd start making confrontations, and ask why the doc didn't come,and I'd talk to the Hospital administrator about what happened in there.

I'd be too angry to not do it. I use to stuff anger down,and other feelings. Repressed feelings are not good. Let them out in the right place,at the right time. That's where the psychologist,"How did that make you feel",get started. BF

Alffe I’ve never read that book but maybe I should because it’s so hard to accept I’m bipolar. They have it at Amazon for $11.16 and I just ordered it. I thought when I was diagnosed I would take a pill and be all better. This isn’t what I expected at all.

Bizi I don’t remember now if I purposely didn’t take my meds or I just forgot. I was out of control and only had one thing on my mind. The last day I know I was psychotic because I saw my parents and Mark sitting in my yard.

I was hearing voices. They were against me. They kept saying I'm going to hell because God will not forgive someone like me. More than once, these voices have told me to hurt myself, and they almost succeeded, but I didn't do it. But these "voices" made sure to remind me that I'm so weak I can't even control my own life. They told me I didn't exist. If I don't exist then it doesn't matter because no one will ever notice. All things in life are bigger than me so why bother. That’s when I decided to go to the ER.

Doody I went to a new therapist but ended up leaving in tears. We started slow with the meet and greet talk and then she brought up Mark and I broke down so we didn’t go there. Then we chatted some more and the mood lightened and I felt comfortable. Then she hit me with the bombshell. She asked if she could talk to one of my other “selves”. I told her I don’t have any others but me and I walked out. My tdoc that fired me told me that I have dissociative amnesia, I block out the hurt of my past by going into my bubble where no one can hurt me, that's it, no other selves.

I didn’t mention what happened at the hospital and I didn’t mention to my pdoc how disappointed I was that she didn’t meet me. I’m so afraid she’ll make me go back. I just feel so violated and no amount of showers is taking it away. And in the group session I just sat in the corner, never said a word. It’s just a waste of time but I have to go. I'm just so disappointed with the system.

Oh ((BJ)). You were in such a state. When you mentioned that your brother talked to you and said negative things...well, it was clear that you weren't doing well.

I'm so sorry about that therapist you saw. Keep looking! They are out there! Or, come here and stay with me and go to the wonderful woman here. It's like talking with a very good and compassionate friend. That one you saw sounds like a bit of a dingbat.

It's so nice that you have our dear Bizi and other bipolar folks here to talk with. My best friend, Penny, of 43+ years is also bipolar, though there have been times I have thought they have the diagnosis wrong. She also seems so borderline personality disorder to me, but I'm not a doc. About a month or so ago, she had not been taking her meds and there was a terrible mess with her involving her granddaughter (whom she is raising). I asked her, "ARE you taking your meds?" She looked at me stunned and said, No I guess I haven't.

Unfortunately we have to take on our med responsibilities for ourselves. I HAD to buy a daily pill box thing and I put my week's worth of pills in there or I'd never remember. I can take a pill and 15 seconds later not know for sure if I took it. Dunno why, but it happens every single time I take one.

I'm just so sorry you had a very bad time in the hospital and hope that you can work through that.

We love you sweetie! :hug:

Slurpy smooches and tailwags from Bruna.

Oh BP you have every right to let your doc know how dissappointed and unprofessional it was for them to promise you theyd be there and then not show to meet you. That person deserves to hear that your not a happy go lucky about being treated that way. I am really sorry how things went but ya know what you went you are getting back on track with meds and self..so High fives BP. that you should be proud of.. be proud of yourself darling because I am. I am Glad your back here with us and home with hopper.
I dont know a whole bunch about bipolar but i do have and had friends with it.
You need to make sure you take your meds because that is a big way to take care of you. Get the weekly pill box and that way youll know if you have taken them. I know others have mentined it is a exellent solution to being on top of the meds. Give hooper a big doggie squeeze and belly rub from me.
:grouphug: keep taking baby steps minute by minute and day by day . and remember we all are here for you! we care and we believe you can get threw this your a great person all of us can see that how caring and supportive and well heck your special to all of us and i hope you know and feel that!:hug:
Peace on you Barb... BP

just wanted to give you a goodnight (((hug))) BJ:hug: and let you know I am praying for you.

you have a bunch of true friends here who really care about you so please know you can always talk to us....whether on the board or by PM we are here for you :grouphug:

praying for a peaceful night for you and Hooper. :Heart: