Everything is dark right now...
 

Sorry guys.

Im having a bad moment right now, here in my room....

It is one of those days when I hate myself.... I hate to look me in a mirror... I hate my life.... Wish i could change everything... I feel angry... I think I have done several mistakes and that they cant be solved...

One of those moments when Im not sure God exists... I dont think he listens to me in case he really exists...

I just... dont know... everything I think about, makes me cry, makes me want to quit...

I cant stand my parents... My father has another family and he has never accepted it....
I have always wanted a boyfriend, but in 25 years, I have had any...
My friends, I dont know if they are real... or if they are only "mates".... but not friends...

Everybody seems to be living their lifes and Im not included....

Im sick all the time... When Im not depressed, I have pain... When I cant sleep, nobody cares... my mother is always in her world, she thinks Im crazy, she thinks I exaggerate everything....

My father only thinks about money....

I dont have siblings... My 4 granparents died...

In my family the words "depression", "suicide", are just... stupidities... exaggerations... nothing serious...

I feel like everybody is tired of me...

I dont have money to go and see my doc... My skin hurts, my nose bleeds... I cant open my eyes coz they are too dry...

I just wish I was somebody else....

Tired of myself...

I wish I could simply turn off the light and never need to turn it on again...

Thanks for reading.

Don't be sorry! Never feel bad about reaching out for help or for support.

I daresay you've noticed by now, but we're very good at support here. It's one of the things that we do best! :grouphug:

We may not always have the answers to your problems, but we will always have a shoulder for you to lean on; always have an ear that will listen; always have arms to wray around you in a loving hug!

I'm so sorry that you're feeling down at the moment BlueMajo, and believe it or not I understand, because I've been there myself.

Reading through your post, I can relate to so much of what you've written....... have felt so many of the feelings that you feel now.

You have friends here that care. .... people understand when you said .....I understand that you don't literally mean turning out the lights; I understand that it goes deeper than that.

Please know that we're here for you. We're here to give you a shoulder to lean on........ to listen when you need to talk.

Sending you hugs BlueMajo. :hug:

Please feel better soon.

I'm so sorry you are so blue, BlueMajo.

My brother doesn't believe in depression. He doesn't understand that you can't just "get over it." So I asked him about a couple of anxiety attacks that landed him in the hospital. They thought something must be wrong with his heart, but no, it was anxiety. I turned it around and told him next time to just "get over it."

Last weekend I saw a giant billboard that read: "You don't just tell someone with cancer to 'snap out of it.' Depression is real."

Isn't there some way or someone to educate your parents so that they understand? A therapist? A doctor? A book?

I'm so sorry you don't have a grandparent to talk to. Have you tried to track down any friends from school? You need someone to talk to -- not necessarily about depression, but someone to meet for lunch and chat.

The best advice I can offer is to get some sleep. The sun will rise in the morning and lift your spirits. Do you have a hobby? Maybe plan a trip to buy new supplies tomorrow. Shopping always lifts MY spirits, I know! ;)

I hope you will check in tomorrow and let us know if you are doing better. :hug:

Does writing about things help you to release some of those feelings?
It works for me, sometimes I write a whole post and then feel better just by getting it out, so i don't even submit it.
But you have 24 hrs to edit or delete a post...

((BlueMajo)) Please never feel sorry for posting what you feel, what is in your heart. That takes GREAT courage, and is something you should be proud of:hug: Reaching out, takes more strength than keeping it buried. I am glad you were able to feel safe enough here to reach out:hug:

I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling, physical and emotional :( It must be difficult feeling as you are and not having your family support. You have family right here, and we will help you in any way we can:hug:

I know nothing of the health care plans where you live, but most places do offer assistance to those who can not afford medical care. Is there anything like that you can look into?

I wish I was in a better place right now myself so I could try to spin you a world of pixies and rainbows. :rolleyes: From your post, I gather you have had these feelings before? What were you able to do to get yourself out of this funk? Is there anything I/we can do to help? Sometimes, just knowing you are not alone, and that other people will simply listen to you is so valuable. We are really great listeners here:hug:

Keeping you in my thoughts ((Blue)) :hug: Nikki

Thank you so much for your messages ! They mean a lot to me. I really appreciate them :) Really...
I think I will give sleep a try since tomorrow is my professional exam and somehow I have to do it...

Thank you !

((Blue)) you are most welcome. As ((twink)) said, sleep is always good for clearing your head. I am headed to bed myself, but wanted to stick around to make sure you were ok. :hug: Thanks for posting! Best of luck on your exam tomorrow. Know that we are always here for you:hug: Keeping you in my thoughts:hug:

I'm sure I speak for many when I say good luck with your exam tomorrow.

I went back to school when I was 37 years old and got myself a Science Degree, so I understand the pressure that you're under with important exams looming.

Just try and remember the out come WHEN you pass..... not IF you pass, but when!

I'll be thinking of you, so please come back tomorrow evening and let me know how you think you went. OK?

Hugs for now, and as much support as I can muster up to help you through tomorrow. :hug:

Bluemajo:hug:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7hDn...eature=related


There are many here in this forum who will respond, when you need a helping hand.


David
:hug:

Thinking of you, BlueMajo. :hug:
I'm so very sorry you're in such pain. :(
Best wishes for your exam. I hope you got some much needed sleep. Please check in to let us know you're alright there.

Good luck on your exams today, Blue. I hope some sleep and a new day has helped you feel better.

There are many people who care here andd probably in your life that you might no be able to "feel" right now. Just keep taking one step after the other...

:hug:

Blu Mayo

gosh...your post struck me at my core a bit...hating to look at "ME" in the mirror is what I went through for a few years...

hating "myself", questioning if "God" exists or if he listens, wanting to just quit, not getting along with family, being alone and single for many years...

I can feel you, girl...

I like what Jo says about writing it out and venting. To me, that's one way of releasing and if you post it and feel like you need to delete it. The mods are always very helpful in helping deleting it for you. :)

your family being ignorant of depression and suicide is not that uncommon amongst other families. I think it is always easier for people to digest OTHER people's family and other people's depressions, but when it comes to their own, they have a hard time accepting it because we all tend to think that we're NORMAL...

my father didn't accepted the fact that I have TS until the day he died...

I also am with Twinks, sleeping will help. (I know I should sleep more...)

there sounds like so many complications with you. And as David would say,baby steps...

I think your taking the exams and getting that done is one of the first steps no matter how frustrating. Then, getting that nice job after your graduation (I think you're going to be a Bio Engineer?? :D) will help you.

one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is to LOVE myself...(I am at the like stage...but I like the way I am going)

I find out that when I hate myself, the rest of the world hates me too (not true, it was my OWN perception because I DIDN'T LIKED MYSELF THUS I THINK NO ONE LIKES ME).

When we don't like ourselves, it is actually hard to accept that others would love us or care about us....it is a catch 22....

we feel like we need to be loved first before we can love ourselves yet we have to love ourselves before we can FEEL the love....

where you mentioned that everybody is tired of you is probably a perception that you feel because you don't have that self-love and you are tired of yourself first...then, it is easy to project that onto others...

well, WE all care.... :) ((((BIG HUGS))))

can you look into a health care system that would help in your area?? Not familiar with what you've got there in your area...

try to take small steps...

and like everyone's said, we're here for you....

((((BIG HUGS)))))

:grouphug:

((Blue)) I have been thinking of you today. Hoping some sunshine made in through the darkness today:hug:

http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/g...ing-Of-You.gif

BlueMajo...(((many warm hugs))) I understand and I am sorry about what you are feeling and going through. Perhaps we can hold each other up. I am fighting that beast too. Will he win, I don't know. But, I hope, that both of us can hang on, one baby step at a time, and work through the emotions and feelings without acting on those thoughts. That is my hope.:hug: :grouphug:

BlueMajo

http://www.llerrah.com/footprints.htm

I read your post this morning, and wanted to reply but had to leave for work, hopefully the song 'YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND' let you know people care..We don't know each other, have never met, unlikely too meet...but we share a commonality.
That link makes me feel for your current plight, it makes me feel I've known you for many years.....

WHY?

because your pain is so familiar, your message so very loud, and I recognise the sadness in your words.

What came first the chicken or the egg?..........................


or in your case the depression...........or the constant bodily aches and pains?

Depression can physically shut down the body..bestow all sorts of ailments and make you feel really crappy.

However virus's/illness can make you feel so unwell that depression sets in because of the pain..I don't know your circumstances, but it sounds like understanding and TLC is a bit low down on the family shopping list, this can have a huge impact on your self esteem/ confidence/ faith...........and when these are out of sink.......thepain/depression or depression/pain become worse.......which knocks self esteem/confidence/faith even further........and the vicious circle continues.



You need to focus on YOU....

don't seek anyone's approval or opinion, you are special...........if you weren't why are your finger prints individual to you out of 4.8 billion people :)

As for questioning God's existence? only he truly knows.

It all seems 'higgle de piggle de' upside down at present. because you yourself are currently questioning your own existence.........well you do matter...and you are worth it............when we through a stone in a pond the ripple spreads out eventually hitting the sides... the tiny trickle has an impact on the embankment and leaves an impression.

well your thread rippled way-way out and land on my shoreline leaving an impression..........

You can master this journey and this current storm
[by learning to dance in the rain]

David

Blue Mayo,

I hope you are sleeping and getting some rest and did wonderful on that exam!

Thinking of you...

:hug:

AAAAAaaaaawwwwwwwwwww !!!!!!

Dear all,

I dont know how to start this post... probably with a BIG, HUGE hug ! :hug:

I cant express how happy and loved ALL your post made me feel !!!!

Gosh, Im so glad I have found this place... Your messages mean A LOT to me, uff, really, I cant find the words to express... My heart feels... how to say... full ? happy ??? Aw.... you are all just to sweet to be truth !!!!!!

:hug:

Im officially a Biologist ! :D Im sure I was able to do it thanks to your thoughts, prayers, vibres, etc... You cant imagine how much you mean to me.... :hug:

The things and advices you posted me here, are the most beautiful things Ive read in ages... For the first time in many years (or probably in my whole life) I feel people understand what Im feeling... :hug:

You are awesome and it's hard for me to find a way to thank you for all the help !!!

I really appreciate your replies.

I guess I can only say... I LOVE YOU !!!! THANK YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:hug: :heartthrob:

Well done! A Biologist. What an amazing accomplishment.

Thanks for letting us know that you're feeling better and that you're no longer in that dark place. Stress is a terrible thing I know. It's good for us a lot of the time, but sometimes it's so darn scary. You take care there. You've done so well. Be proud of yourself. :)

Fantastic new ((Blue))!!!:hug:

It is an amazing thing we all have here isn't it? I have never met any of these wonder people in person, but my heart knows them all so well :hug: I am also glad you found us:hug:

Very happy to see this here this morning dear ((((BlueM)))) one step at a time, my friend. :hug: ....and congratulations dear brave Soul.

Once again please let me thank you for all the big support you have offered me, for all your help, for all your poems, videos, music, messages, etc... You really can cheer me up !!!

I love you sooooooo much :grouphug:

Thank you !!!!

well alrighty, Blu Mayo!!

Now, you can tell us about Telomerase cells and the eternal cells and why is it that when the Mayonnaise turns blue, we shouldn't eat it but we can eat BLUE CHEESE??

(((HUGS)))

keep your chin up, kiddo and I hope you will be able to get out of this slump soon...

and since your biology has come to fruition. Let the chemistry with others take care of itself....

I was alone for a long long time also and moss landed on me for some special reason...not sure what she saw in me...but I lucked out...

don't look for love....it'll come to you when you least expect it...

:hug:

BlueMajo

CONGRATULATIONS


Now visualise your life as a science lesson


Make good preparation, know the substances your working with, understand their reactions to other substances and settings, calculate risks wisely, record all events...and evaluate the outcomes....learn from the experiment.

now see the lesson as daily life
keep healthy/choose friends from intuition,be civil to all you encounter/ observe and understand how others in your life react to you & to other humans, and towards man made factors, and circumstances/write a diary and record you daily experiences, and of those whom you have contact with./ take time to reflect on events and learn from mistakes, [your own and others]/Decipher ways too obtain better results and leave nothing to chance/ learning from the experiment does not mean you will not make future mistakes/ you wil just have learnt to not be as moved by the failure, and more determined to succeed in the future.

All good scientists continually strive for answers///just like life i reckon we do the same thing.

Now take time out enjoy your achievements...........and re-gain strength


David

:eek:

:rolleyes: Erm.... yeah.... sure.... erm.... I think I have the answer... Erm... Hum.... well.... yeah right....


Aw.... That stuff was lovely moi.... Thank you so much ! :hug:

That's a really nice post David !!!! Thank you so much !!!! I loved it !!!! :hug:

Im actually going to print what people in this forum has told me and paste the messages all over my room :)

Thank you.

Hey there friends,

Checking in.

Aw... Im feeling too stressed at this moment...

I went yesterday to talk to my boss about my PhD project... She doesnt want to accept it :( She offered me 2 projects Im not interested in... I really want to do the one I choose, but....

I dont know what to do... I dont want to go out again, and knock door by door until I find a new lab with a new boss, new mates who would accept my project...
BUT, I dont want to work the next 5 years of my life in something that it isnt interesting to me... :(

I was hoping my currect boss would accept my project about brain tumors... but seems she wont..

I have until next tuesday to decide what to do... How could I convince her ?? :(

Pray dear Blue, and we will pray with you. The answer will come....:hug:

Thank you mistiis.... I really dont know what to do...

I feel so lost.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so lost right now; that's really a scary place to be. As everyone has said, you do have us. And these people have picked me up waaaaaay more than once....way, way more. I guess that's how or why we've all come into contact; it isn't by "accident" or simply running across a web site....I think we're all supposed to be here at this particular place and time for each other. Kind of scary, huh? Can you hear the freaky music playing in the background???

Just know that you have lots of people in your corner. And we know what it's like to get that lost and alone feeling....sometimes, even when it's dark, it's just nice to have company....and if you have company then you aren't alone. Too simple, huh? Just words, I know....but we truly are with you.

I hope today's better for you.

Gosh, that's so difficult for you. Did your boss give any hints or reasons why they didn't want to accept your particular area of interest? If they gave reasons, is there some way you could modify your project somewhat to accommodate them?

That's exactly what I was going to propose. Also, if you have done any preliminary work on it-maybe if you presented that to her, she could see the value in your project.

This is just my idea, but, if you cannot come to a compromise with her-I would say it would be worth it to find another professor who would-rather than work for an extended period of time on something you do not feel passionate about.

Good Luck, Blue. I've had you on my mind so much lately. Here's a cup of strenth you can have. Mix well and spread evenly.
(most of my metaphors involve food. :p)

(((BlueMajo))) That's a hard choice and five years is a long time to be unhappy in your work. I assume your economy is as dreadful as ours so it might be difficult to find a new workplace. It was be easy to throw out the line..to thine ownself be true..when only you know your circumstances.

I think Lara had a good idea about modifying your project. Keep us posted on what you decide. :hug:

(waves at GmaSue) *grin

Thank you dear all for your replies, thoughts and advices ! :hug: :grouphug:

My boss want me to continue working in cervical cancer, but I want to do brain cancer so badly !!
I want to try the serotonin effects on glioblastoma cells...
According to her, changing from cervical cancer to brain one will be a problem mainly for me as I will need to start reading about a completely new topic... :rolleyes: But you know, I know it's gonna be difficult, I know that our brain is a monster and that I will need to study probably harder than if I work with cervix, vut that is what I want to do !!!

She also said she is not very happy changing the line of investigation of her lab (and I was like, "you are not going to do that, the rest of your students will continue with cervix !" :mad:
Also, we would need to buy all the stuff, even the cell lines as we only have breast and cervix cancer ones... but in a phD program, you have 3 bosses, not only one, so I could ask the other 2 to help me buying the cells....

I want to convinve her so badly !!!!! :(

Im used to that lab, with its bad and its good things, and leaving it, to try to find a new one, with everything new, a black box just stress me...

Sometimes I think it would be better to stay there working with cervix, but when I think it is for my next 5 years, for my phD and that I will probably dedicate my whole life to that line of investigation, I just think Id better leave and try to find somewhere that likes my project about brain tumors......

:(

:hug: It's a decision only you can make...weigh all your options. Hugs!

((((lots of hugs)))) Blue...."A bird without a dream is like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." You have a dream that has kept you going. At least, that is what it sounds like. We all need a dream, especially when we fight pain and depression. Having to move seems to be a scary and stressful thought to you. But, following your dream is freeing, and inspiring, and moving you in positive directions. I say talk to the other bosses, and weigh those options. Keep your mind and heart open to the possibilities. Lots of hugs and prayers. :hug: :)

I guess you have to think of this particular time... economic times as well as enjoying your work.

At this moment in time if my boss was questioning my line of research and might not want to put more money into it, then I'd maybe decide to do what they are asking. It all depends.

It must be somewhat heartbreaking to have this on you right now. Maybe stick it out there in the lab where you know you have more work, or maybe stick your neck out and go for what you want. As others have said, it's up to you.

I know that's difficult, but we don't know the whole situation or setup. You do, in my humble opinion, in these difficult economic times, need to think of the future and what would be best for you. Do you have contacts who may take you on to research the area of your own interest and if you don't have really firm contacts right now, then maybe in near future you might.

I have to add now something to the mix...

I just found yesterday that some of my "friends" want to take my place if I decide to leave it...
Correct me if Im wrong, but they souned like "birds of prey" (I just used the dictionary, hopefully it's the correct term) to me, waiting for their "victim" to let them act.... :mad:

The good thing is that they help me realise that my place in that lab might be worth it if somebody is interested.... :rolleyes:

Still thinking...

Thanks a lot for your thoughts and prayers :hug:

Don't fret. My daughter says the same darn thing.

She's doing BioMedical Science Degree, and they're all (her supposed friends and peers) out there trying to get "The Job".

I love you so much for your interest but you have to think of the future for a few years yet. It's tough out there. You need to make sure that whatever you do will help you and I don't just mean because your expertise is in a certain area, but I mean because there are tough times to come with jobs and research. Money isn't going to be out there as it used to be just for a while.

Thank you so much for that Lara.

Hey ! your daughter and me are doing the same thing ! how cool is that !? :D

I now want the tuesday to come so I can talk with my boss again and see what results...

Thanks ! :hug:

Yeah, I do know. It's very, very cool indeed!

She loves her microbiology right now. Hoping that love with last. :wink:
Pity she didn't love Biochemistry and Applied Physiology as well. lol
Frankly, any sorta love is good love I reckon. It might rub off and create a little optimism and that might rub off onto the other subjects.

You mentioned something in an earlier post about loving that particular lab and you sounded as if you were comfortable there despite the negatives. Just the way I read it maybe. However, then you said "Sometimes I think it would be better to stay there working with cervix, but when I think it is for my next 5 years, for my phD and that I will probably dedicate my whole life to that line of investigation, I just think Id better leave and try to find somewhere that likes my project about brain tumors......"

Heck 5 years is such a long time. I understand why you're worried and why you would be thinking of moving to a different location. Gotta be really strong and secure to leave "comfort". Depends on your particular circumstances. If you know you'd be able to pay the bills and live in a reasonably comfortable way, then it might be worth the risk, but heck, it is a risk and I see that's the problem.

I hope you can maybe find somewhere else before you leave this present lab. It'd be awful to leave and then take ages to find somewhere else. Although, I don't know how it is where you live, but here our government is actually looking out for future scientists.