the shock of my life
 

Hello friends, it hasnt been a very good new year for me. My husband just left. just like that. we celebrated our 12th aniversary all seemed well and then he just left. Futhermore he has notified me the has cut off all services to our home. And I am to find a way to care for myself. Im still in shock and of course the additional stress has not been a good thing for my rsd not good at all. If I were to write out the card he gve me just a week ago you too woudl be as shocked as i am. I have absolutley no idea what i will do , i spent all my money on treatments long ago. thank you cz( since he left me i will now be signing dc. thank you.

I am so sorry. Please hang in there.

XOXOX Sandy

Hi CZ,
 

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I do wonder how people can just walk out on a marriage like it was nothing.

A friend of mine went through this in May of last year. After 12 years her husband walked off and left her. She had no ideal. She had to close up her antique shop, let her home go, and find a job.

You might want to go to Social Services and see what help you can get and then if you haven't put in for your Social Security or SSI. I know it's going to be hard to focus on keeping yourself going financially because of the heartbreak and depression this is going to cause you, but you have to keep going.

I'm glad you can come here and talk to everyone here. Just vent all you want.

God bless you and help you through this hard time.

Ada

CZ...

I am so sorry also... You must be feeling great surmountable pain right now..I am so so sorry for that.. Nothing percipated this you can think of?? Life is stress..my hope is he will talk it over with you..if it has RSD wrapped around it..I can appreciate how this illness, although not our fault..it can put our lives into a tail spin..Others can't live with it... and we have no control over it... My prayers and thoughts are with you... let us know how you are doing.. Again..I am so sorry!

KS:hug::hug::hug:

dc
 

How horrible! Not only do we suffer with RSD, but our spouses/caretakers suffer as well. I'm sure we are not that "fun" to live with. Nonetheless, your husband has seem to forgotten his wedding vows and the situation could've been easily reversed. I get the sense that he is a weak person, and is cowardly exiting his existing life (marriage) because it's not "perfect". Because of your disease, he may feel as if you are "broken" (not realizing there is a beautiful soul inside just a damaged vehicle) and is past frustration because he cannot fix you. So sorry you are end the VERY short end of this!! Definately not fair. I hope your suffering is minimal, at best, and that the Lord has better plans for you. Time will only tell.

God Bless you!!! :hug:Vanna

Dear DC,

I can't imagine the horrible pain you must be experiencing right now, I'm in shock right there with you.

Once the reality of this sets in you are going to need a whole new set of skills to deal with this and they won't be handed to you easily. Dig deep for that strength you have inside and you will be able to get through this.

DC, I hope you have support from family and friends close by? Even with that help you may want to try to find a women's and or disability advocacy group (s). They may be able to help you find the right legal assistance. Since he is leaving you high and dry you will need to fight for your rights. I don't know your laws there but generally spousal support is granted in cases where there is a disability.

Please be gentle to yourself, you are a kind loving person and I am very sorry you are going through this. Remember we are all here for you.

Big hugs :hug:

MsL

Thank you Im so happy I could post here
 

Thank you all for the beautiful messages of encouragement, I am so happy I could post here. right now i feel like a person with 1000 pounds on them walking around so heavy and numb. He gave no reason but yest it is the money and rsd. I used to be the big breadwinner. But sadly apparently there is someone else in the picture too. He is going to someone.
I don't know how he could just throw me out like the thrash after 12 years and cut off any financial help. this was the first month he would have to pay the bills himself. Basically he left when i ran out of money.
Well I am hanging on to the love my sisters have shown me and I feel so blessed to have there love and support so I am a winner right there. they are such good people that to have there love and support i must be doing something right. well i need a long sleep. I really really appreciate your support. after i posted I saw Cakes post. I couldn't feel to sorry for myself when she has faced such serious tragic loss.Mine is just a coward(someone said that, Vanna I believe, and it is so true) leaving. thank you all so so much again i really need the support. and thanks Ms lady for the dc.(my new signature?

dc, i'm so sorry, i know what you're going through.
my wife kicked me and my two children out of MY home, (telling the police I was beating her), after she ran me down, with my car. I still have the scars.
Then my lawyer didn't show up in court, and she took my house! (a four year marriage and ten year divorce, where she was getting 1200/mos, from my disability. Now she's a court stenographer, making real good living.
I'll tell you, we're better off without these cowardly losers!
Find yourself, and your piece of mind now.
Prayers for you!

pete

Dear CZZ74,
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through such terrible stuff...along with the RSD. I had gone through a terrible divorce about 16 years ago and had a son to worry about. I did not work and moved from place to place because he was a military officer. Thus, I had no job and no real skills and had to start from the bottom.

I know this is hard for you because you are probably numb right now but you must protect yourself legally.If you are not working and he is the main breadwinner he just made a booboo. He left you and that is considered abandonment. You need to contact an attorney and get a free consultation asap. I don't know if there are any mutual accounts but he should still be paying for all of it. Also, get a new checking account in your name only and close the other account. If you can find out who the other person is and any information would be great for your case. My ex had a girlfriend too so I know your pain. It hurts but you must protect yourself now. He made his choice and now he has to pay for his choices. Like someone said you should contact social security and/or your nearest welfare office. I see you are in FL. My friend told me a month ago that FL is one of the best places to be in as they have lots of money to give to people that really need it. Good luck and let us know how it works out. There will be a better life for you if you can get through this. If you have faith it will get you through it all.
Take care,
kathy d

Pete so unfair
 

Pete , your story is so unfair, like mine, Pete are you better now did it get better? thanks dc

Kathy I wnt to a good lawyer
 

Kathy I went to a good lawyer but he needs 5000 retainer. I am meeting with an estate man tomorrow to sell some things of mine in hope of raising it. that is also good news about the social services I will see when my sister can take me. I did look it up online and abondonment is a crime when someone is disabled. thank you that is good news. he actually said yoiu better see what social service you can get as he left to live in a 1000 dollar a month guest house in west palm beach for the season. I just am still in shock i am ttrying to move quickly but my body just wont work.
I dont even know where to begin. who to call etc. wow this is such good advice i cant thank you enough he already turned off the phone and cable i just cant believe he is doing this. I just really cant. thank you again so much do you knwo what i need to take with me to social services?

dc....

Again my heart goes out to you..but after reading your last thread... I have to say this and I hope it is not too early and be too hurtful as I would never mean that way... but..with all that you have on your plate..RSD and all... you, my friend will be better off in the long run..... Everyone..I mean everyone will have to answer to their actions one day..we don't not have to be present to see it but it will happen and unfortunatley the cheat will have to answer to his... How does anyone walk on someone they loved once and who is suffering with ill health????? You are better off..it will be sticky and sad until your can get all of your ducks in a row but you will..give yourself the time you'll need and most important...take care of yourself!! We are here for you..always! Again I am so sorry for your pain right now!!!!!

KS!~!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grou phug:

It's not quite over yet.....

But, I know it will get somewhat better...

prayers,,

pete

Dearest DC, You have our deepest concern and willingness to help in anyway we can. On your last question, you might call social services, and ask them what you should bring. Write down everything to bring. In fact, go back to the day he left, save the note and write down what happens each day and the date and time. Besides opening your own checking account, you no doubt have a joint checking account, maybe savings account. You can withdraw 50% less one penney from each of those accounts and put in your new personnal account. Do you have joint taxes due in April? Property Taxes due? Ask your attorney what to get your name off of, so you aren't stuck with the bill when, in truth, you both are probably accoutable.Of course, you will pay your part, but his actions and your disability may alter the percentages according to the law. Anybody that does this type of behavior, you can not trust, no matter how you feel. All the rules change. Please look out after yourself. Does he have a good job? Your attorney can direct you in what you can do. If you are not on disability and disability insurance, you need that as soon as possible. Have you received an inheritance that you spent on joint matters? Make sure you write all down.
I read all the other posts, and am glad you are getting support.Please know you are in our prayers. Your attorney will help you use his criminal act toward your good welfare. I'm so very sorry. You might want to call you Dr. and let him know what is happening in your life. You may need to up your meds temporarily. I lost a dear friend, Like a son to me. in a car wreck, and had to up my meds for a while. As you know, emotional pain directly affects our physical health
Back in the 80's when my parents died, I went into counseling and found journaling very helpful. We tend to put off crying etc. but it is emotionally healthy to go thru the grieving process YOU WILL BE OK! Meditation, Bible Reading, Prayer, Stretching, Taking Time Each Day For ourselves help us get thru tragic events. Please know we all care for you ,loretta with soft hugs:grouphug:

Dear DC,

I just want to add another note of caution. Please check your credit cards. Are they in your name or are they in his name? I believe that you are both responsible for any debt incurred during the marriage but if you have joint cards you will want to make sure they are cancelled so that you don't get loaded down with any new debt that he may charge in your name. I know this is very painful but you really must look out for yourself now. He has shown through his cowardly actions that he is not worthy of your love.

We are all here to listen to you, to be a shoulder to cry on when you need us, to help lift you up when you feel weak. :grouphug:

Be good to yourself.

Sincerely

MsL

I am so sorry for your loss. I have not gone thru what u have just endured but I feel like my husband wants to leave me as well but has not yet. I know who am I to talk,right with everything I am going thru right now. But u know I am really trully sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
Tracy

Also dc...... Does he have access or may know your SSN????? I always worry about ID theft.. sorry I know you have a ton to think about but once you act on these great thoughts and recommendations by our wonderful family here... better protected you will be..so sorry ...we are here..you just say how we can support you!!!!

KS:hug:

DC
So sorry to hear about your pain, I pray that the lord will restore your marraige,and happiness into your life,,,prayers are so powerfull..I truly hate to see relationships end,the pain and anguish,heartache...But God will deliver you,,,,,,Pray.......bobber

DC,please try to be strong during this time and not a victim,I know easier said than done. I do know how you are feeling because I have been thru two divorces! I can barely make end's meet right now. I do have one question for you,do the two of you have any children involed? I am just asking because I have three boy's. However now they are 33,30,21. My heart does go out to you! Was there any clue's? Or did you two have any talk's about problem's within your marriage? I am sorry that I am asking you all these ?. I just cannot believe that someone could just walk out after 12 years! Without even talking to you. I hope that you know that we are all here for you :hug: Anytime you want to pm me please do! I will be thinking about you DC! Always Breezy55 :Heart:

Protect Yourself
 

Dear CZZ74,
I just had some more thoughts once I read your post as well as the others too. You should ask your attorney if he can have your husband pay all your legal fees. If you get any money from the estate man don't put it in the bank. Get a safe deposit bank and keep it in your home in a stange place so no one would know it was there. Also, what about the changing the locks? Ask your lawyer if you can and do it right away. Get as much paperwork such as past tax forms, paystubs, etc. out of the house into a safe place because you may need them for reference. Any valuables get them out of the house especially your stuff for safe keep. I am sorry to have to tell you this stuff but I want you protected and with it all and then RSD your mind is not thinking right and you need help.

About Soc Services...I have never stepped foot in soc security or a welfare office because of my disability. I have done everything on the telephone such as conferences and downloaded forms over the internet. I did have to make copies of ss cards and driver's license but your sister can help you if you can't get out. Search for your state as Florida Department of Welfare and something should come up. Send everything certified if you can so you will have receipt of it all.

From what little he said to you I believe he is thinking with his "lower" brain and not using his "higher" brain which will benefit you in the long run (I am sorry to all you guys out there but I speak this from experience and I have a 21 year old son who went through a mess in the last year). Judges take abandonment very seriously. He made a big mistake.

Make a list of things you need to do and try every day (or at night like I do) to cross one thing off your list. This way it is not too overwhelming for you and you do feel like you have accomplished something each day and won't become too depressed over it all. There is light at the end of the tunnel but like others have said it will take time and alot of grieving.

He has been planning this for a long time. He may have waited until you had no money left just so he could use it all and leave you high and dry. Not a nice guy for sure. Let some poor unfortunate soul get him now...he is out of your hair. God bless that poor woman.

I am sorry you or anyone else has to go through this mess. But since he has made it clear this is what he is doing you need to step up and take care of yourself and for your future. You deserve much better than this guy. Let me know if you need any other help. We are all here for you.
Take care,
kathy d:grouphug:

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time! I cannot even imagine your suffering. And with RSD, you already have enough suffering on your plate as it is. I pray that you can somehow find moments of peace in this turmoil and draw strength from that. The biggest of hugs and the sincerest of well wishes.

If you get any money, put it in someone else's safety deposit box. Anything in your safe deposit box could be subject to division as marital property.

I would strongly consider using a credit card....or any means....to get the $ for the retainer for a lawyer. Because of pain/limited mobility, you can not go skipping down to the courthouse or chase down forms as easily as someone else might be able to. If you could get free legal assistance through legal aid or a disability service, so much the better ! If you have to pay the retainer now, definitely have your lawyer add filing to recover lawyer costs to his motions. You wouldn't need the lawyer if your stbx didn't abandon you with no money/income.

If you haven't applied for SSDI yet, do it yesterday. Many courts won't consider you disabled until the federal government says that you are.

File for temporary spousal support immediately. Notify the electric, oil/gas, and phone companies that you are disabled so that they can't shut off services.

On a positive note, you became disabled during the marriage. Dumb stbx could (and should) end up paying you lifetime spousal support. Get a cut throat lawyer !

Hang in there !

Dc, I'm so sorry, I'm going to pray for you that after you go through the greiving process that this will be a new beginning for you with many positive results. I know the process my be rough, I agree on the good lawyer. Take care Denise

first you cry then you get even(I know)
 

Time for an excellent divorce attorney to look out for you. I'm sorry for your loss of someon you thought you knew. He can't do that to you.

I am so sorry. Take a deep breather, I agree with the others, go to social service, they will help you either way, if you are disabled, they will assist you in getting your social security, they can help you with fast funds to keep you above water, however,if I am not mistaken, he has a responsibility to maintain the household as is,(especially if he is the main source of income and you are unable to work) and their are laws to protect you. Take care of yourself, I can not imagine what you are feeling, I will pray for you and your well being.

Our caretakers also get overwhelmed, he too has pain, maybe he will come to his senses, in the meantime, do what you have to do to protect of you.

God Bless

Jeanie

well said Jeanie...DC... remember you are not alone in your troubles...we are here with you... lean on us.. most of all..take care of yourself!!!!!

KS:hug:

Im back , sorry Ive been gone so long
 

Hi everyone. well its been over a month since I wrote you to tell you about my husband deserting me. Your support and advice helped so much I will be forever grateful. I have been following much of the advice.
I have retained and attorney, he is helping me.Had to sell my silver- that is a whole story in itself the man gave me a bad check!! it been like a chapter out of a novel. then suddenly my husband or ex started paying and i know why.we are finally going to trial on my case after 7 years of torture from IMe depositions etc. and my husband suddenly go worried about his consortium case.Hello no kidding. so one check has come but i went month 3 to be exact with out a penny. I have my own apartment now over by my family about 45 minutes from where i lived with my husband. Here is another shocker, not only did my husband not help me move, I have never heard from one member of his family. after 12 years of treating them at all times with kindness, respect, giving and love. that was the way I was raised.I have not heard from one of them,, that is as shocking to me as my husband leaving me..I as just furious.
Its hard not to look at this as i lost 12 years of my life. there were some good times. But allot of BS. guess what he has been seeing someone since my accident in 2003. the lack of honor it is so disappointing he stayed and went through all my money then left with his chippy. its just too too much.


Well trying to move on. Pain has been off the charts, severe and different. spasms are taking a front seat debilitating spasms. so so painful. all the other stuff is still there, burning burning fierce and bone pain very bad. but the spasms are full body and are like a tortures. happen the worst in am almost like tied to sleep paralysis, but also occurs during day.
New Infusion Plan
my pain management doctor wants me to Begin Magnesium infusion-once per week for a month or two then twice a month for a few months and so on.
He said he knows they will help me. He just doesn't know how bad the side effect will be. I found a very supportive article on this treatment for advanced rsd if anyone is interested. Have to have a blood test first arrange transportation that is difficult, his office is a 45 min drive from her and someone has to be with you after. you often can not walk for a few days, one of the side effects. I have to do it, my pain meds are not working and he said no one is on as much as me he can not raise them. Is that true
May I ask: I am on Opana 40mg twice a day
Oxycodone 30mg 5x per day for breakthrough
and Lyrica 150 mg twice a day for burning.
this little group used to work beautifully I guess my body has just gotten used to it.
Please advise. Love to all. Its nice to be back. Love dc

Dear dc,

So sorry about you ex...what a bum.

Have you considered a pain pump with baclofen for the spasms?

Hang in there, XOXOX Sandy

my body rejects everything
 

Hi Sandi thank you for the post. I wanted the pain pump, but dr.S said no, my body rejected everything they have tired. its likethe rsd hunts it down and attacks.It. the port i had put in had to be removed a month latter. the allodina around it was unbearablle. infections etc.the pain from the surgery is undescrible. thank yyou again. dc

As the Beatles say;

It's getting better all the time....
I surely wouldn't want to be married to that person, knowing what I know now!

I consider myself "damaged". I have a world of great friends, one example, this place. But, even though I have "offers of availability" (if that's a good way to say it?) I'm scared out of my mind to get into a relationship, or, maybe angry. Not sure yet..

Pete

sorry
 

I dont want to sound like everyone else just saying sorry, so i will say, Take care of you. you are always first unless of course u have children. then he need shot in his nether region.lol. anytime you need to talk i am here. He sounds like a fool to let go of someone just cuz there money was gone.. i told hubby, anytime he wanted out,,( no hard feelings) there was the door, he didnt sign on to be 100% reliable for my 100% care. and he said your not dead so im staying. not those exact words. So some day when you least expect it, i hope you find someone like i did. who wil be that way.. just who you need them to be.. again contact a lawyer, im sure he will have to pay some sort of monies to you in the long run. keep your chin up. pm me if you ever need to talk im always available..
:grouphug:

Hi dc
Now that the major toxin in your life is out of the picture and out of your system (your ex) maybe you will be able to start to heal, even though your pain seems to have escalated. The amount of stress you have been under in recent weeks is enough to cause a major flare and more!

I hope it is a positive move to be closer to your family and that you can develop a new support system, and develop a plan of help from them, as well as from a church, social service agencies, volunteers, and friends..
Please look into relaxation techniques as they have been so very helpful to me, and to others who post, especially if meds are a secondary option..
I hope the infusion plan helps you...
time will help you heal, too...
Hope4thebest :hug: xoxoxoxoxox