Feeling so anxious...
 

Jack has said he still wants to move in June and though part of me thinks he's not serious and part of me thinks he is. I can't handle a move into a rental house. I just can't. And then there's the anxiety over money creeping up. I just cannot handle the uncertainty of our future finances, its good now but it can change in July if we don't get renewed by then. I don't want to talk about it much other then what I said above.

On the good news front, Jackie is going to Sea World on Tuesday with his class, I am really excited for him, I hope he does well, I just don't know how well its going to go so I am pretty anxious about it. I wish it was over with already. Then we have spring break not this week but next. I hate that because kiddo doesn't like to go back when its over with. Its frustrating for us because he gets in this mood where he is noncooperative with bathing and we really have to work at convincing him to get in to the shower.

I hope that he has a good time at Sea World but I am probab ly going to have to take a couple of ativan's to get through it. They won't be back until 7 pm so that is awkward. He's probably going to want to eat then too, so I will have to reheat dinner for him. I just have so much anxiety about this field trip. They have one on one ratios for the kids, so each kid has an adult, but even so its worrying me, I talked to the teacher and they wil accommodate Jackie's needs, but it's going to be hardest on me I think because of waiting in that parking lot while they are on the way home.

Good grief, this kid and his obsession with holey things, My stupid seat cushion has some holes in it and he ripped up one to be twice as big as it was before he fiddled with it while I was sitting here. Sheesh, I wish he'd stop ripping up things. Its really frustrating and makes me buy his shirts from a thrift store instead of new, I bought some brand new shorts and have to sew them up because they have developed a new hole right in the center of the crotch and if he sees it forget it they will be shredded. *sigh*

Thanks for letting me vent everyone, I am just feeling so anxious I have been taking two .5's a day of my ativan to combat the physical symptoms of anxiety that i just can't cope with. I think the stomach in knots is the worst, the racing heartbeat, well I can overlook that easier then i can the stomach sensations....Hope your weekend is going well, mine's been okay, except for a migraine yesterday. :p

Well now jackie is acting like he doesn't want to go, so I don't feel confident in sending him to the park. I think he's just not ready for it. So I don't want him to go, he's saying "No, not going" when I ask him if he wants to go to Sea World, so I really think it would be too much for him....Oh well, it's nice he had the chance to go...

Dear Pam,

I hope that you can stay in your current house.
It makes sense to me that Jackie should take the lead on whether on not he wants to go to Sea World. Either way, it will be ok.
M.

Thanks Mari, I agree Jackie needs to want to go or else it won't be a good thing. He grabbed onto me and said, "Scared, so scared" when I showed him video of the one Shark encounter where you walk through a tube and see sharks everywhere, but I think it was the tube part that scared him and not the sharks so much. I don't think he should go, his dad thinks he should, but I don't...We'll see, I am going to call the teacher on Monday and see what she thinks....Have her ask him there at school about it, if he says NO then he shouldn't go.

Dear Pam,
Yes. The teacher knows Jackie very well.
She should lister to your concerns.
M.

hi pammy,

I am sorry that you are dealing with your anxiety.
I wish you hand more security AND LESS WORRYING.
IT IS OK TO TAKE THE ANTI ANXIETY MEDS THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR.
HOPE THEY ARE HELPING YOU.
(((((hugs))))))
BIZI

Dear Pam

i can appreciate how stressful this all is. not saying i know, coz i don't, but i can try to immagine and even that is like... whoa.

whn you said you wish it were already over. hold that thought. i mean, keep in mind that no matter what, whether jackie stays home, goes and loves it, goes and hates it...... there is a definite time frame for this trip, and it WILL ALL BE OVER after that, and you WILL all recover.

yeah i could see eating ativan on a day like that. don't worry about it. it doesn't sound like you over-use it at all. don't suffer needlessly. when you say a couple ativans i wondered if you meant over the course of the day or how close together. if you have flexibility in how you can use them, then take a higher dose if that's what you need.

i take it too but mine are a higher dosage - indeed, sometimes i only need half, and i go with that. on the flip side, sometimes i need more than one and unless i am in a situation where alertness has to win out over residual anxiety, i will take what i think i need to reel me in, rather than take a little, then a little more, etc.

i find that using the "right" dose one time, is more effective, than using lots of mini doses.

----------------------------

i hope, for jackie, that he decides he wants to go to sea world, and that he is able to enjoy it.

and if he goes, i wonder, for you, if there is any way someone can call you from the field trip, and let you know how he is doing. i really think if you knew he was having a blast you might breathe easier. and if you knew he wasn't you wouldn't feel any worse than knowing nothing at all.

well, that's my 2.5 mg, i mean cents....

sending good thoughts :circlelove:

~ waves ~

Well the latest is that we asked would he rather just go to school or go to sea world and he said sea world, so we'll see I am asking the teacher to ask him in school to see what his answer is to her. Because we could just as easily just keep him home. I am sure she will listen to my concerns and get to the bottom of this indecision he's having. I just took a ativan, hoping it will calm the anxiety down a bit if not in a little while I am going to take another .5....Thanks for caring, you ALL make me feel so much better. :D

ETA: thanks waves, I do have some flexability in how I can take it, I took two .5's the other day and today so far just the one, but if it doesn't get better I am going to take another one...Thanks for caring hun, I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. It helped me to put things in perspective, there is a time frame...Phew, it's gonna be okay.

Well now he's saying he wants to go so he's set to go....I emailed the teacher and she's ready to take care of things so I am not as worried. He's going to have a great time. It should be a lot of fun for him. I just hope he doesn't fall or anything, he walks funny in tennis shoes, we got like hiking boots we send him in to school in to prevent him from ROLLING over onto the sides of his feet like he does for some reason. The boots prevent it and they won't be possible for him to use tomorrow so tennis shoes it is. He's kinda got one leg longer then the other, not a huge difference but we think that's enough that is why he does this. Anyway, I feel better, took one .5 today so far and look forward to things getting over with tomorrow, with good results. :)

so is sea world tomorrow?
sounds like fun, glad they are going to help take care of him.

Yep tomorrow! I took a second tab of .5 because I was feeling really anxious and its much better now. So hopefully things will work out for him tomorrow. We've done all we can the rest is up to him and the staff and teachers. :)

I am glad that you are feeling better pammy!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks Bizi! (((HUGS))) Will post tomorrow night how it goes. :D

Dear Pam,
I hope that you feel better about how this is going to work out for Jackie.

M.

I am feeling confident he's going to have a good time, Still planning on taking some ativan in a while though, I feel the anxiety building....They are just about ready to leave. :)

Dear Pam,
I hope that the trip went well -- for you and for him.
M.

I hope that everything goes well today and Jackie has a great time!

I'm sorry about all the stressors you have around you, but I'm glad that the ativan seems to work for you. The others are right... that's what it's there for.

:hug:

He had an awesome time! He rose the rides and saw the sharks and whales and penguins! Here's a couple of pics I snapped of him once I got him home and had a couple pieces of pizza in front of him with his new stuffed penguin at his side:

http://cyber-soup.com/pamster/3-8-11.JPG

http://cyber-soup.com/pamster/3-8-11-a.JPG

http://cyber-soup.com/pamster/3-8-11-b.JPG

I'll know more tomorrow they were tired tonight and the teacher had all her kids to see off, but it was great she said, he was by her side the entire time. And that he was so sweet. :)

I'm so happy he had fun! He looks happy in the pics :)

Thanks for the pics
 

Dear Pam,

The pics are great!


I'm glad that he had a good time and that you feel good about the day.


M.

what a relief!
I am glad that he had a great time.
awesome!

Just thinking of you all Jackie, hope everything was great for all.
Hugs
di

Glad you all liked the pics, he had a blast, I am so glad he got to go. They didn't get home until almost 8 pm though, but they arrived safely so that was what counted. She said he stuck by her side the entire time, that is awesome, he really likes her so much. I am glad it's over though, he had a fun trip and it worked out. All our preparations made it a smooth fun time for him. Well worth the effort. :D

i am so glad jackie went, and enjoyed!!!! great pictures :)

:trampoline: :yahoo:

He had such a fantastic time, the first thing he said to me was, "Where you been?" It was so cute! He loves the stuffed penguin so hopefully it will get to stick around for awhile. I am so HAPPY we let him go and that it was so good for him, his behavior has been great! SO he's home from school now and it's the start of his spring break. One week of no school, not sure what we'll do, but we'll do stuff with him. :D

He broke my mini computer...He punched it acting out something he saw on tv. I am so utterly broken as a spirit right now. I have been crying for over an hour. I sent him to his room right away, and he's stayed there all night, only two hours, and I just cannot believe he destroyed yet another thing I loved. I am so close to giving up on making this work. I just don't care anymore...So numb it's not even funny. WHy does my life have to stink so bad?

Dear Pam,
I'm so sorry about your disappointment.

Take care of yourself. :hug: :hug: :hug:

M.

i'm so sorry honey. i know that's not something you can replace overnight or maybe even soon. and if you could, you couldn't buy back your 'stuff' that was on it. (((hugs))) you make many sacrifices as a mom you know. you didn't take it out on jacke. buy yourself something as a treat though, or allow yourself a few hours a week at an internet cafe.

or buy yourself a new blouse. blouses are nice there are nice chinese stands here that sell all these bleezy blouses but some look a bit sleezy to me but then you can fixem up so their not so i dunno then some look cheipie and are chepie with a houtsand threads unkeptly not fishined off i had have so much work sewin that up it sit in the "MEND" box forever.

but not one of those blouses, a comfy but eye-appealing one that you like. doesn't have to be designer just has to work for you.


OR a gallon of ROCKY-ROAD/FUDGE icecream combo. :D:D:D:D:p:p:p

hugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggs

~ waves ~

I feel so awful today, been going through the motions but my heart just isn't in it you know? just cannot believe my beloved netbook is so messed up. Jack thinks he can fix it, but I Don't know for sure. I have to somehow get it set up on an external monitor to see if the hard drive will still boot, he knocked it up off my lap by about four inches or so and it slapped back down, it could be destroyed, but when I got the LCD to come back on I could see the stuff I had open, still there so maybe it will be okay, I don't know. But it's gonna be about a hundred bucks I would rather NOT Have spent on it and will void the warranty to replace. Didn't even last two months with this kid. SO disgusted with myself and life....*sigh*

Thanks for caring....:(

I am sorry about your poor computer....With jackies challenges, you have been patient with him, where do you find your strength?
Go to that place and find some more strength....
Still doing your saturday outings with your mom?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

glad to hear your netbook not pronounced dead yet!!! :eek:

you know there are companies specialized in data retrieval servcies... reading things off bad drives... tape... different media... damaaged media... partial media. so hang in there - i got my whole hard drive back one time.

i hope it is the same good news waiting for you around the corner.

you are a gentle person, pam, and reactive/vulnerable, like me.

we both react strongly and jangle bad when these things happen. it's not just a momentary hassle it feels deep. it is like being on tram and a kid runs in the road so he breaks hard and you're thrown. but it plays out in the emotional dimension too, doesn't it. being thrown.

no lorazepam for me today but its been supplanted with something better no pun in tended.

~ waves ~ sending hugggggggggggggs :circlelove:

She works on the weekends now so no, we don't get together nearly as often and I miss it. :(

I am really just tired of the fight to maintain stability, last night I lost it and cried and cried, today the kid is all smiles and laughing, I think he knows what he did and just couldn't care, that hurts. I really am frustrated. I have to save up to get this screen if I sent it back to Dell they would charge me so much I might as well buy a new one....*Sigh*

Thanks again for caring. :( I don't care about the data, it's all backed up on an external drive so that's cool, its that I have to be inconvienenced by not having my machine for as long as this will take and NO guarantee that after replacing the screen that it WILL even BOOT up. I am just sick over this whole episode. I wish I could sleep and wake up to having my computer be all right, but that's not gonna happen. :( So disappointed. :(

dear pam could jackie be competing with the netbook for your attention? he fixed things up good for a while it seems.... :rollyes::cool:
:Sigh:


~ waves ~

No he was fully engaged with the computer (desktop) and just wanted me to watch him act out like he was punching a person and I was in the midst of correcting him when it all went wrong. I don't always go on it, only when he's in front of my computer so we were online together in a way. Always near, he would get up and hug me or get a high five, he always comes first....

I am sorry that you don't get to spend time with your mom....i know how much you enjoyed your saturdays.
sorry about your computer....
do you think jackie comprehends...how his behavior effects you. isn't he limited in his reasoning abilities? how old is he again and how old does he act?Is he going to be like this or will he mature? you can private message me if you would rather.
I am sorry you have all of the challenges you do, you are allowed to cry...I hope it helped to relieve some of your feelings....
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I almost cried again tonight, it's just so sad seeing it lying in its blue case and remembering how excited I've been about owning my own computer. It does help I think to cry because holding it in is just impossible. Jackie is 14 going on 4 IMO, I don't think he's able to reason well enough to understand how his actions affect me unfortunately, but he sure knew today when I went OUT ALONE and he had to stay in with Dad that he was being affected by the CONSEQUENCE of that action last night.

I just can't imagine why he did it. Other then the acting out the stupid show, he is quick to emulate violence and it's really hard to regulate his TV watching habits, just today Spongebob had a Gold's Gym type fish punch another fish for what he thought was him whistling at his girlfriend.

*Sigh*

The only safe shows are Veggie Tales, The Berenstien Bears and Blues Clues....Others exist but he doesn't like them. I am so disappointed. Now I just have to hope Jack can fix it with a full LCD replacement and NOT BREAK anything in the process. He's built tower systems before but never touched a laptop. I have to save up for it too, it's almost 90 bucks for the screen and shipping.

BUT IF it works it will be higher resolution on it, 720p HD. So that's good, I just hope I can stand to see him going through the motions, the anxiety of it all is just eating away at me pretty badly already. I HATE that I feel such nervousness about that and so many other things. It's really hard to live in fear, but then many of you all know and can understand that from first hand experience. :(


ETA: It works still! We just hooked it up to an external monitor and it booted! So we're definitely going to swap out the bad screen for a new one and I should be in business again. I just hope Jackie doesn't do it again, with him not watching that show anymore I hope that's enough. I can't tell you how RELIEVED I am that the hard drive seems to be okay and that it booted. SO RELIEVED....

is is good news!!!!!!
thanks for sharing.
bizi

Thanks Bizi! I knew you'd all want to know that the test we ran proved it wasn't as badly damaged as I had first thought, still not dancing for joy just yet, still gotta manage to get its new screen installed and we'll probably order it next week sometime. :) That news definitely put my in better spirits. :D

Oh Pam, I'm sorry you've been so sad! You seem like such a loving and understanding mom. It must be hard at times because of the challenges you face. You are a strong woman.
It's good to cry sometimes. It's a good release.

So glad to hear that the netbook isn't DOA! I hope that the screen comes soon and it's up and running as good as new!

Dear Pam,
I hope that things work out for you.
M.