sleep cycle off
 

I used to be compulsive about keeping track of when I slept and how many hours.
Now I don't care. I sleep some. I don't sleep.
I'm up. I have no idea what time I went to bed.

Today I have a huge meeting to go to at work, then more stuff for the memorial service, and then a dentist visit . . . the dentist told me she needs an hour to do what she is going to do. I am taking my klonopin before she starts.

Regarding grieving my work friend:
I am moving toward strong anger -- not just at him but at everything. I'm not used to anger. I will ride the anger train and see where it takes me. I might be different at the end of this.
I'm still crying -- anger mixed with tears.

M.

I canceled work because I am too sleepy to drive
 

I called and said that I cannot attend the stupid meeting because "I have a health issue."


Maybe I can take a nap before the dentist this afternoon.

M.

Our family member who had bipolar disorder always was thrown off kilter by dental work. Learned to have nothing else scheduled. I hope you are feeling better by tomorrow.

you really sound sleep deprived...not good for us.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

The dentist went fine. I had klonopin. I'm still zoned out.
M.

Take care, Mari! :hug::hug::hug:

Dear Mari
 

i'm glad the dentist went ok.

it's odd isn't it how we adapt as we go through life... maybe your brain adapted to not really having stable sleep... you deal with it as it comes, so it's lost emotional weight. it is no longer priority, deep down. i mean if you don't care...

for me anger and tears are a natural mix. because sometimes anger ends up being expressed in tears if i can't, you knnow, hit something. but i think you mean the real anger that comes up as an aspect of grief.

the anger train is hard. it is very bumpy and we land unexpected places and it hurts. i've been on it lately. mixed with tears at times and diabolical laugher the rest. but in the end the bruises still show. i am sending you soft satin cushioning for comfort in your cabin on the anger train. make that cotton. cotton is more comforting i think.
http://bainhouse.com/wp-content/uplo...ns-296x300.jpg

~ waves ~

Just sending some hugs, glad the dental part if over with,
:hug::grouphug::hug::grouphug:
di

Not sleeping has harmed all aspects of my life to a great deal. I have not adopted to it. The problem gets worse year after year.

I want to go away to a mental hospital so I don't have to deal with hubby. He is horrlble --- not helpful.


M.

i am so sorry you are going through this. there doesn't appear to be an easy solution. i don't think you really want to go into a mental hospital....maybe send him to one.
bobby

brilliant
 

Bobby,
I think that you have a very good idea.
M.

I am sorry hubby is not being helpful....he is not doing his job!:mad:
(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
bizi

I think bobby is right, HE needs one, not you. Why can't he just accept you need time to grieve and give you your space? *sigh* So sorry you're still having such sleeping cycle problems Mari, big hugs to you. :grouphug:

stressing about how to get the group to the widon
 

.~~~stressing about how to get the group to the widow's sister's house several towns away -- maybe 50 mins from me -- more for mins for the others ~~~


My colleague's widow called late this morning and I missed the call. My work friend missed his call too. We are invited to a "dinner party" for our friend.
So now we are behind time. And we have to time-coordinate with an ex-colleague who quit last year but who also dearly loved the colleague who died. Both men. (ARGH)


Men are impossible to deal with. I don't know how they manage in the world.
Because of those two guys, I have no idea when hubby and I are supposed to go to the widow's sister's house --- the time is a very open ended. I need to wait until the work colleague takes care of some things. He is far in the opposite direction from the widow's sister's house



Anyway, my tasks.
1. Let hubby nap. When he wakes up tell him to fix himself some rotisserie chicken I just bought.
2. I bought some cookies from a gourmet bakery to take to the sister's house.
3. A few days ago I printed and enlarged some pictures of the last time we were together last July. At that time, I also bought frames and pretty gift bags with gift cards and names so that the three people (widow, ex-colleague, current colleague) can have their own bag.


My sis says that cookies and framed pictures is enough to bring to the "dinner party."

I explained to current colleague that we have to be there close to the same time for the widow --- not because I am being bossy.

It is polite for her that we get there around the same time -- not wander in through out the day as it if is some kind of open freeking house.
Also it is easier on her if she deals with us together instead of having the same conversation over and over again about her husband's work friends.

i bet this is hard for you - i do hope it all pulls together for the visiting time.


you bought a gift for every person invited? wowwww. i i am glad your sis can guide you in that sense, i am useless for these sorts of things. but i must say, it sounds exquisite. i am sure it will turn out very well. i am sure the widow and all those who cared for him will appreciate how you are doing this.

~ waves ~

good that you bought those ahead of time!
sounds stressful....
bizi

It was a good evening. There were about 14 people. I brought the pictures for the widow and the work folks.
The widow said thank you and put them out for others to see. She was holding up for the night but her 11 year old son seemed devastated.

=-=-=-=-=

I am trying to figure out how to avoid the memorial service on Tuesday. It feels so wrong to grieve at a my work place. I'll break down in anger / rage / sorrow ---- and it won't look pretty.
I might as well be productive and strike out and go on a rampage while I am already strung out.


Life really stinks sometimes.
I still wake up crying every morning 10 days after hearing the news.


M.

Dear Mari.
thank you for sharing. it sounds like a lot of intensity.

my uncle's grandson (my cousin's son) too, was devastated.

yet i know of a family hwere the children were lied to and drawn away from the grief.

i think the children will be alright. but i think it's more natural and certainly healthier at 11 to be told the truth and no holds barred on how you feel.

i am sad for him.

:(
you are a good friend to the family mari. (((:heartthrob:)))

always remember be a good enough friend with ourselves.

~ waves ~

dear Mari
i wish it could be ok to grieve at your work place with others who knew who your friend at that place. but if it isn't ok, you don't have to do it. do you think you could inform your [mgmt hierarchy] you are grieved but must decline their invitation to their memorial. in sorrow, m. and do not show even if they try to call you in on it. [- if you aren't expected to work, say you won't be in that day either.]
ten days is a long time to cry. one day you won't cry, Mari.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Mari
i am glad you are crying and getting rid of the pain rather than bottling it up....your tears are probably related to other things too that have been happening to you...let them flow.
bobby

First, I want to agree that we cannot truly adapt to not getting enough sleep. Sleep is necessary for our health, and perhaps psychiatrists and the entire medical community do not give it the attention it deserves. And I am not just talking about mental health.

I am concerned about what you are saying about hubby. Is he adding to the sleep problem? Forgive me for not following all the postings on this board and jumping in because of the topic. Messing up a spouse's sleep falls into the category of ABUSE and is often associated with verbal abuse.

to Jaspar
 

Dear Jaspar

i will let Mari address what she sees fit in regard to her situation, but i just want to say, in general, about your popping in,

so true.

we can take things or leave things if they are not pertinent...

i personally appreciate many of your posts on this board, thank you.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Dear Mari

in regard to what i said before... that maybe you have adapted,

i did not mean that you somehow compensate. i meant that after so long, not sleeping has probably had inevitable ramifications affecting your behavior and even thought - those are the "adaptations" i meant. perhaps influence would have been a better word for me to have chosen.

i get that whatever changes are occurring, are not good ones. the "adapt" or "influence" thing was only a theory. i am sorry if what i said seemed to undermine the problem - did not mean to, quite the contrary.

((( hugs ))) and i agree with Bobby... let the tears flow...

:grouphug:

we are here for you when you feel like sharing. :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Life really stinks.
I'm having a hard time doing this each day.

one of the guys in charge of the chorale
 

Hubby is reading a selection for the service. My sis found this from Springsteen because it is easy to read for for others to understand in the setting of a memorial service. She and I changed 3 or 4 lines but kept the rhythm. Hubby has been practicing it:
http://www.kovideo.net/terry-s-song-...en-214614.html


Last week I told the folks running the gospel chorale that we needed music that was representative of my friend. I also begged them to find some uplifting and up-tempo songs. This morning one of the guys told me that in their repretoire they have

~Imagine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxLnIRVVwIM

~Emotions
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBgAj4cNee4

~Stand By Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeWIMYVKbLE

I said ok even those these are the saddest songs on the planet!!!!!!
I told him to keep the service as short as possible. He understood that to mean that they are going to do two songs. (two instead of more)

M.

Dear Jaspar
 

Jaspar:

Hubby guards my sleep. He is very good about that -- as he should. His sleep schedule is slightly disordered too -- although not to the extent mine is.

The trying part is that Hubby has untreated ocd-traits and anxiety.

He gets himself wound up and then frets and then tries to draw me into whatever is bothering him. This is not helpful.


M.

wow, you are really involved in the memorial service....
can't you just ask to not be involved anymore?
I am sorry you are still crying....wish I could give you a hug
((((HUG))))
love you
bizi

Dear Mari,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now :hug: I don't think it's abnormal to cry 10 days or more after you lose someone you're close to. You're also dealing with added stress and struggling to sleep, and it's bound to make it harder.
I have some practice in grieving, and can honestly say that it will get better. I pray that it will be better for you soon.

Bizi,


The widow and a friend of hers are going to the service. My work colleague, hubby and I are expecting that we will sit with her in the first row.

Even with that, I feel that I need to go to the service for his students.

M.

Dear Kay,
I'm sorry that you experienced sorrow.

I do hope that this degree of sorrow will abate at some point.

I'm expecting that I will be better soon --- even it if does take until school gets out -- sometime the second week of May when I can get more sleep and get away from lots of people who annoy me.

M.

I now understand better. This is a difficult situation on top of a difficult situation. :grouphug:

thinking of you mari.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

'Weird that my Klonopin is doing nothing tonight.

I took an extra .5 on top of normal dose and almost nothing.
Maybe I should go lie down in bed anyway. I don't think it would benefit me much to keep taking more and more until it is time to get up -- that would be goofy.

M.

hope you were able to get some rest last night/this morning.
bizi

The service was fine.

My old immediate boss played some mean nasty politics behind the scenes -- she caused about three huge problems. I have still shaking a couple of hours later and with 1.0 Klonopin.
She is a pig.

M.

modification of the mantra tdoc last gave me
 

Tdoc last told me to let go of my need to be taken care of because holding onto the "need" magnifies it.

For the past week, I have been saying this mantra:
I totally, utterly, and completely give up my need for anything to go right.

When I say it, sometimes I sob, sometimes I curse, sometimes I shout.

Tdoc and I have a phone appointment. tonight. That's good because I need to know if I am doing this mantra BS correctly.

M.

Dear Mari

yes your immediate boss sounds like a 'case'.

anyway. your mantra post i hope it's ok for me to say well it just cracked me up :D

tdoc might say something tdocky about it needing this or that but, if i get a vote, i say

ur doin it right! :D

~ waves ~ who is going to adopt your today's mantra tomorrow.

Tdoc tweaked the mantra
 

Here is what tdoc said might work for a mantra:

I willingly release my attachment to having things go right.


I might modify this, but the key words to keep are
~release
~attachment.


M.

I am glad for you that the service is over....and that it was fine.
I like your mantra.
bizi