My life is a fiasco
 

:(

Hey... I just finished my phD project presentation in front of the "whole" institute I work in and it was horrible and pathetic... Im so dissapointed and desilutioned...

Im going to try to put this crappy story in a short post so you dont get bored...
So basically, Im working with 5 different types of nervous system tumors, 3 of them respond to my treatment, 2 dont... The 2 that dont respond seem to have more than one "receptor"... I need of course to make lot of more work to find out what is that "other receptor" and characterize it... But I was like super excited thinking I could separate my patients in 2 groups, the ones with 1 receptor, and the ones with 2 etc... and give them different treatments etc... I was also super excited to listen to the phDs opions about my work as in october I have my exam coming, etc... and guess what...

the public was very poor, the auditorium was probably 50% empty and the main public were students... like me or even younger... just 4 phDs and one of them was my boss...

I didnt get a single question related to my work or experiments... I only got attacks from the students... if I said green, one started saying blue, and the other one red... According to them all my experiments are nonsense and precisly the things I still need to do are the important ones...

Then, if I was explaining something, they would interrup me and they kept asking again and again the same thing I had just said seconds before...

I started to feel stupid and at one point I had to tell them that I had just said precisly what they were asking...

So, in this institution, only the molecular experiments count... no matter what you find, your results, the importance they might have in the clinic... just the amount of experiments you do and the money you spend (waste) doing them...

The phDs were probably falling asleep... at the end, the students were fighting among them trying to prove who were more "intelligent" when to be honest they just show how ignorant and rude they all are...

The worst part was that at the end, my boss told me that I have to be more "zen" and dont show symptoms of desesperation... :eek: Ok, seriously, I was not desperated at all, but I felt I had to defend my work, my project... I have been investing my time, my life in this crap for the last 2 years of my life plus the research I did before and I have to just close my mouth and accept all their attacks ?? Sorry, Im not Jesus...

She admitted they were rude and stuff but she didnt like my position either it seems... :(

In resume, I feel abandoned, like nobody is rooting for me or supporting me or my findings...

I hate this place... I was about to scream "There are children out there dying of cancer and you want me to waste 3 years characterizing this stupid **** ?? who cares what is it and how is it ?? If we can help people with this, forget about the molecular aspect of this crap" Argh...

Science you son of a b*** and your pathetic sons...

Sorry friends, Im just... blah.

*speechless*

Oh, wow, does it ever take me back!
 

My dearest, beloved, scientist-I-wanted-2-B BlueMajo,

First off, how I wish I could have been there for your presentation. In fact, had I known, had it registered with me & my own life not been so impossibly screwed up at the moment, I would have been there--5th row center!

I have to jump down in your post & admit that 1ce again (even in your despair) your insight bowled me over & had me :ROTFLMAO:. Here's why:
Sweetie, that's the very definition of "student." Well, you probably weren't like that--but most students are. Gosh awful!! Of course they tore into you. Just like puppies when a dog from mom's older brood visits. It's just that that's all they know how to do now.

The other PhDs? There's simply nothing more arrogant than a young PhD. Arrogance is primarily what they have going for them--that, & a degree (if they're lucky, actually worth the paper it's printed on).

The high road of academia is a narrow, rocky one. Hinds feet in high places. Don't worry about ANY of those "others." Keep your sites on your goal, take care of your needs, & value those little children with cancer, fighting for their lives.

You are at a point now in your developing career when you are going to need to grow feet on all your wonderful ideals. Give those ideals a solid base, so you can go from talking the talk (student) to walking the walk (scientist).

You are your science's champion, BlueMajo. These other people around you here are just around you here. No more no less. They don't carry value in your world. Those precious little children do. THEY have great value.

I always found Science itself a grand Patron, Mentor, Lover. Some if it's reps, however... The profs, scientists, politicians, business execs :eek::(

In retrospect, had I to do it again, I wouldn't abandon it as I did. Zen? Perhaps for the inner game. For the outer mask, I recommend to you La Gioconda. The Mona Lisa. :hug:

Dear Majo,

My web browser acted up. I had to do computer stuff to post to you.
Now I have to run. I will be back later.

You did great. Science is slow. It is slow for the reasons that you post about. You can't rush Her. :)


As long as your mentor is happy enough with you and you have moved on to the next step you are doing great.
Remember to thank your mentor for her advice. Tell her you will do what she has suggested about being zen. (I don't care if you ever want to be zen or not.) Make her feel good about your progress.

You survived a big step.

M

you sound more frustrated and exasperated with everything (and with good reason) than desperate. her perception was off but... she still managed to see that you were distressed even though she did not characterize this distress correctly (maybe i didn't either, but no matter). and perceptions aren't reality.

Admitting the audience was rude etc is a big deal. She did not attack you. i feel her advice was supportive even if you don't buy into that stuff. wrong or right, she suggested something that she thought would help you cope better in future.
the law is similar. trials and such. but the right for a fair trial is to try to ensure, as much as possible, that good people are kept out of jail and bad people go in. at least that is the principle.

science and medicine is the same. empirical data is fine but where it fails, "designing" a drug via molecular studies doesn't seem like such a weird idea. and yes, it means characterizing those "other" receptors at molecular level of course... you probably even said this and those students probably didn't "get it"... to figure out what possible molecules or radicals for which they might have highest affinity.

i may be saying this in worse terms than those students and if i am offending you by saying more of their crap, i do apologize.

but what came to mind was a subclass (i'd have to look up the name, i've forgotten ;)) of neuroleptics, where it was noted that those with shorter carbon chains connecting a particular radical were significantly more effective.... properties of this nature, for instance, be useful too on your "unresponsive receptors" but do require studies at molecular level.
i am really sorry the experience was so negative for you. it took a lot of energy and you sound sort of deflated. unappreciated. i appreciate you. even if what some of what the students kepts saying was true
-- it was not useful if already part of your pres and
-- it was apparently done in a rude way

they hit a huge nerve, since this presentation is about your whole life investment and future really.

so in the end what you went through is akin to stage performance with the audience throwing rotten melons at you. pretty stinky.

i am very very sorry about how things went.
i hope the next one is much, much better.

sending big hugs :hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~

Blu, you put so much into your work and did an excellant job, even your Prof/boss did not coment on the work. It sounds like her thought you were more prepared to respond to your research, then the attack modes operendi of the student audiance.

Don't forget their mentality is that to make their own projects look better, then attack the aggressive presenters research. Just think what possible quality these students can put into a project they are so busy picking apart someone elses.

You did great! I am so proud of you, what challanging research you are doing. Far beyond anything I would take on.

YOU ROCK!!!!! I wish I was there to interject the points you made from their lack of ability to comprehend exactly what you were saying.
Hey, it is finally over. That is a good thing :)

Yeah, basically, with my hippie mood, it was a big, huge, gigantic mistake to choose science as a profession... If what I want is to "help" people, I could have been a psychologist... or whatever....

What a waste of time to study why red things are red and if red really exists while red things keep "killing" people which is what in my opinion maters...

Oh well.

oh ...I am so sorry that you were not supported very well. It sounds like a dreadful situation.
I have to go but will post more later.
((((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Dear Majo

sorry if i offended you. i guess i was trying to see/explain from my point of view why what happened could have happened, aside from the rudeness.

i don't think you're in the wrong profession, necessarily - but that is for you to decide. i think at this stage you could still switch to med school, if that is something you think is more up your alley - it is more practical, less theoretical, less times involved, less philosophy "why red things exist"

again i am sorry if i hurt your feelings.

~ waves ~

I am sorry you are feeling like that Blue Majo. I can understand how bad it feels when you have feelings of abandonment with regard to the career and people who you think should be supporting you, just not even paying any attention, to the important thing, the research, well I dunno. I don't know what to think. Hope you feel better soon. :) I know I don't get on as much as I used to be able to, but I had to comment. Hang in there Blue....:grouphug:

Dear Majo,

Lots and lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:
You were expecting support and instead you feel that you got clobbered / hit.
It would take me a little while to recover from an event like this. Go do things that revive you: sleep, walk, get back to the lab, or take a day off from the lab, . . . whatever works for you.

You can recover. The fact that your boss is advancing you in the program through these steps shows that she believes in you and your work.


Your boss should have sent you to some other presentations before you did one of your own. You would have known what to expect.

None of what was happening was about you or your experiments. It was about other people and part of a process.

Research needs to be presented and shared (written and orally and otherwise). You did that. You can practice answering stupid questions because you will get more of them in the future. You can learn to answer a question without directly answering all of it. You can use words that show you are listening and still in control of the room.


Majo, If you want to be a psychologist, switch now or later. You would be good at that. . . . . but you know that the work is totally different and requires a different skill set.
From your description of what happened Monday, I can see that you did a good job. The problem is that you can't see that you are doing a good job.

M

Hang in there Waves. I'm a little on the shakey side myself. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hey Pammy :hug: thank you so much for taking the time to write me ! :winky: I was listening to Def Leppard by the way and like every time I do, I was thinking about you :hug: Thanks for the support.

Thank you Mari :hug:
I had pictured in my mind, lots of the phD bosses asking me questions, tjings that maybe I was not going to be able to answer, but that would help me to study ore for my exm etc... But I never imagined somebody could just enter an auditorium to start attacking another student....

The worst part was, definetly when my boss didnt support me.... I thought she was going to say something like, they were so rude but you did your work and nothing else, but at least.... But no... She just said next time I have to agree with the attackants.... :eek:

Today she wasnt at her office so I didnt see her.... But a girl told me my boss told her yesterday that I had done the best I could had done in a situation like that.... :eek: so, she tells me one thing and tell everybody else another thing ? Nice. Wish she had told me what she told this other girl...

Ugh.... Im going to try to close this pathetic event keeping in mind students are cruel and wont show support or help or positive critics to others' works....
Maybe next time at least I will be prepared.... Not hoping to learn anything from those meetings...

Now.... Im so scared because my vision has been funny.... I cant even explain what is it.... But I dont tink Im seeing properly.... Im so scared because I think kt might be something to do with the retin... Or a cataract maybe... Im... SCARED :( :eek:

Going to doc tomorrow so he csn check my eyes...

If it is not one thing, its another.... Ugh....
:(

Pray for me please.... I have suffered about my eyes all my life and... Dont know if I could handle a problem now.... :(

Much love for everyone !

I hope you are going to an eye doctor?
so sorry that you experienced that....very sorry for you.
Take a break as suggested...do something that you enjoy, put on some good music. Can you see a therapist?
bizi

Yep, seeing my ophtalmologist tomorrow... therapist this week too !! :D :)

Im so freaked... might my eyes be "ok"...

Hey Blue. I hope that the appointment goes ok tomorrow. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hey friends !!

I survived...

Doc said my humor vitreous collapsed.... but that my retine and optic nerve are ok so....

Well, so, Im now attached to "funny" vision but there is nothing wrong...:rolleyes:

Hope everything is doing fine ! :hug:

glad you are overall ok, i know someone else who had her vitreous humor collapse too.

she was told to get checked regularly (i think yearly), or if you suddenly develop different symptoms get a acheckup but it sounds like you know htat take care........ (((hugs0))

~ waves ~

Yeah I will see him in one year if nothing happens before.... :)

Blue

I have not been on to respond.

But I have a different take on the students and their thoughts than you.

I personally think, they wanted to make you look bad, so they would look
good. And in my opinion they did just the opposite.

And in a way, I think what you mis heard from your professor. PHD, was

That you should have just let them say it. And try not to take them seriously.

That she was trying in her own way to say. "You did a good job."



But the way you are. That particular day, you wouldnt have heard.



Blue Mayo, That was great. No matter what she said. You were only
going to hear what the students had said. Its the way you see and hear
things.


In a way you are a lot like I am when you do a presentation. I am just
like that. If I get it in my mind that I did bad, or that a group thinks
I did. Then no one can change my mind.


I have a co-worker that I almost always present with. For the reason, that
I have a hard time talking in front of a group. And I've supposedly gotten
lots better in the last year. But if the group, makes me think I'm inferior.

NO MAtter what she says, I don't believe her. I can feel like a idiot for weeks.

Even when my own boss has heard from this friend and co=worker how well
I did.

So Just realize, it might not have been the PHD as much as how you preseved
yourself too.



So just go talk to her. Its really necessary, for your own piece of mind.

Thats what I had to do with my friend and co-worker. She now calls me or emails me like, two or three days after a presentation. And talks to me about
it. Especially if she knows I thought I did really bad.


It has been of lots of help for me, and especially my self esteem.

Donna
(And this is not to put anyone down, I"M not bi-polar):grouphug:

Hey Donna ! Thanks for your post :hug:

I know you are not bipolar, it's me who is and I think my boss is too :p no, Im kidding... But she is odd.... Is like she say one thing and the next day she says the opposite... Or maybe you are right, and it's me who listen or dont listen what she is really saying.... LOL

Right.... Thanks the lord that's past....

Now I have to focus in an article my boss, a co-worker and me have to publish before the year ends.... STRESS !!!!! :( ugh.... Wish I could take a year to relax... Haha maybe in my next life....

Much love for our dear forum !!! :hug:

Oh I hate that you have to write an article with other people...:(
That sounds like it will be awful ..sorry just saying...I would much rather just write the article myself...
good luck and let us know if we can help you somehow.
bizi

Yes my dear.... Specially this girl I have to write with... She did some things to me in the past and my boss love her so.... Ugh....

I will defo need help with my english words, grammar, etc, so I might ask for help ! Thanks ! :hug:

Im thinking on writing my part and then see what they say.... Ugh...

Thanks for the support ! :hug:

Ah, yes... Welcome to the Land of "Publish or Perish"!
 

Hey, Blue, have you published already? Will this article be in Spanish? What's it on? Have you & your coworker written together before?

Hmm. Sorry. I get excited over publishing. I know it can be very high stress if it's not a good match. Really HIGH stress!!

I so wish you could have a good writing partner & a great experience.:hug:

I'm assuming you & coworker will do the work & boss will sign on as senior writer?

Was this here? Am I nuts?
 

Well, geewhiz, girlfriend. How could I miss this? Most of my questions answered. Not a good writing partner, & a paper in English. So you're writing a section yourself? Well that's much better than actually writing the whole thing together!:D

Hi my dear Jude :hug:

Yeah, the paper is in english.... I have never written an article before... i wrote my thesis, but it was in spanish and not published in an international scientific magazine :eek:

Yeah, i'll write about erythropoietin in healthy tissues while this other girl will write about epo in cancer cells.... Boss will write the intro and check everything is in order so we can send it to the referees of the mag.... Glup !

Im excited but stressed.... Oh well....

I might survive....

It's VERY exciting!!!!
 

:cool:I'm not well read in the field, so I can't be of any help proofreading or anything--but I wish I could. :hug: Just keep that Gloria Gaynor song playing thru your head:

I will survive!

I'm learning it on my Magic Piano, sending it over the Internet out your way. Good Vibes & all that:D!
& FYI just so you'll know....I'm not on Facebook! Or Twitter, or MySpace, or any of that stuff. Old foggiest in that regard.

Majo,
With the help of your boss and your extensive experience, you will be published. :circlelove:
That is so cool.

M.

Thank you for the support Mari :hug:

And Jude, I love that song.... Wish I could play the piano....

Didn't say I play the piano.
 

The "magic" piano. On my iPad. Propably has an android equvalent. Takes 4 fingers & rhythm always helps.

But I do have a pretty fine Yamaha & plan to continue lessons begun in college.

Seriously.

Goal? The easier side of Bach, Mozart, other bipolars. The Entertainer! :D

I have an ipad too ! Is the magic piano app free ?

Blu, I am having a tough day. Just wrote about how impressed I am with your work, then hit the -undo- key on this iPad and it all disappeared. :mad: There are several piano apps that are free or 99 cents...I have a few.

Got to sign off before I screw up another post.

Hang in there! You WILL be published in the end!

Take a break for awhile, regroup and then go at it again, I know you will succeed!!

Thank you my sweetie :hug: :hug:

Hahahaha, ipads.... My fingers are way to big for touch things I guess.... Im messing stuff around all the time !!! :p

Blue

You will do just fine. We may not have a clue about your subject.

But I do know that we can help with the english side of it.

And we can be here for the moral support.

You are a great person.

Donna:grouphug:

Mini magic piano!
 

It's always been free. Some music is free. Get it!

Argh.... Im having a panic attack :mad: Horrible.... Feeling so anguish and worried without knowing why.... Or should I say feeling scared of everything ????

Sorry... I just needed to say it... has anybody tried medicine for this attacks ???

Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhh !

yes klonipin or other anti anxiety meds help....
kava kava helps if I remember right(but I have not seen that in years)...so does valerian, over the counter but have to be careful with all supplements.
some antidepressants help with anxiety issues too.
I am sorry that you are having all of this anxiety.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi:hug:

I am not sure but I believe I take ativan for this.


Not exactly probably the same thing but close.

Donna:grouphug:

Majo, :hug: :hug: :hug:

All three of my meds reduce anxiety. Long acting benzos work especially well for what you describe.
Talk therapy and training in muscle relaxation and other similar techniques can work very well too.

M.

I ended having my vit B, my zinc and a chamomille tea... :rolleyes:

Every time I tell doc about my fears/panic attacks, he refuses to give me meds and just give me therapy... I mean, we talk and stuff and I feel fine, but that last some time and then boom ! another attack hits me...

Now Im feeling tired but cant sleep because at nights I start thinking all the bad things in my life and how stressful my tomorrow is... :mad:

Stupid brain !

Your doctor should understand you need help with turning your brain off to sleep. The panic comes on so quick, takes so fast to make it go away.
It does pass, lurking in the shadow.
But days are better and we do get through it even if at the time it is overwhelming our day.
Hugs :hug: