Sad continued
 

a moderator asked me to start a new thread since the old thread was way to big and it slowed down the forum. so i am starting a new thread. I am still sad besides anxious and fearful so i decided not to be original and keep it as sad.
bobby

Dear Bobby,

Years ago for one year, I taught English as a second language at a middle school in a relatively expensive neighborhood. The students had just arrived from South America. They were the nicest group of students I ever taught.
I was having a very hard time that year with med changes. Those students were good to me.

M

I am so glad you had such a nice experience. Maria is very sweet and motivated which really makes it a great experience. I took it for granted until I realized what a great student she is. I can't wait to see if she can still do the b's and v's and wonder now about the w's.
bobby

Dear Bobby

Quote:
Originally Posted by mymorgy
I found your post very painful and identified with. I felt so good on friday with Maria. I wonder if you could do teaching as a second language. I bet you would be awesome at it and you already know at least two languages. I wonder what the requirements would be. You love to help people. Your creativity would come into play. just a thought. I do have confidence in you and feel strongly that down the road you will find something that will give you a purpose. It might not be following your bliss but it will relieve pressure so you can then follow your bliss in music and art.

indeed, that is what i figured i'd have to try. i have academic background in languages but a cert course is also needed. but before that can happen i have to get feeling "ok" again. i have taught before (English, French, and computers) and found it rewarding. it can be frustrating too, but it's human. i need something human.

love

~ waves ~

I wonder how long it would take for you to become certified. do you think your parents would pay for it or could you take out a loan. I know it can be frustrating but the interaction unless the student is really obnoxious can overcome the frustration. Your teaching experience should stand you in good stead(does that expression make sense...i don't know where it came from)I understand totally how you need something human which computers don't supply...they are the opposite.
love
bobby

Quote:
Originally Posted by mymorgy
Mari
do you think that is a bipolar thing? I forgot exactly what my former lawyer who helped me get disability said but something to the effect that my work record was like one who was bipolar.

Dear Bobby,
Probably some non-bipolar people move in and out of jobs and positions to some degree. . . . Maybe your lawyer was pointing out how many times you re-invented yourself.
I think it is great you studied Latin and did well. I wish I knew some Latin.

It's a bipolar thing. Mine manifested in my mid 20s. I got hit with depression and debilitating anxiety. Meds mostly alleviated both, but now I have brain fog. The brain fog seems to be worse this weekend . . . and just when I have to get some work done.


M

Have you tried PS100. I think it really helps brain fog. maybe it is just a panacea. my depression and anxiety started much earlier. I bet you are the greatest teacher. The lawyer was also pointing out how little money I had made in my work history. I wanted to strangle him for summarizing my life. It was that painful. As i mentioned before he knew more about being bipolar than anyone i had ever met. it turned out that his wife and best friend were bipolars.
bobby

Quote:
Originally Posted by mymorgy
Mari
do you think that is a bipolar thing? I forgot exactly what my former lawyer who helped me get disability said but something to the effect that my work record was like one who was bipolar. It seemed to get progressively get worse. I don't know if it was a steady erosion of my confidence or what. I was outrageously confident in elementary school and seventh grade. Then I went to a prep school which was harder to get good grades. I will never forget my latin teacher telling me she couldn't give me higher grades because i seemed too nervous. ugh. I saw her when i was in college and told her i was getting a's in Latin. so there.
bobby

As much as I keep reading & asking, the pile of what I don't know just seems to grow outrageously. My first job was a dream come true, my next job amazing, & the next *through the sky* unbelievable. Even with my drinking at alcoholic levels, I kept getting work at top money.
The drinking was to squash the situational depression. I couldn't handle my husband's & daughter's deaths. Finally a producer cared enough to take me to AA. Drinking quit working. When I quit drinking thru AA, things got better ... but I could never get back to the professional level. Never tried; knew I no longer had it.

I've done fine in my new careers, but I've always felt them failures. I thought this was as good as it could be. Could the alcohol have been hiding bipolar whatever-it-is? Was it maybe never depression but something bipolar then?

Oh, well. Curious. Doesn't matter. Things are good enough, considering.

Oh, but Bobby! How I wish I'd been with you in college when you met your prepschool Latin teacher & reported your college Latin grades: A's!! Yep, wish I'd been there then !

I didn't get all a's in Latin at Penn but i got a lot...all the teacher could say was that nice. One of my friends told me that to get over the mourning of a husband's death takes two years and i think getting over ones child's death takes forever. So many bipolars medicate themselves with alcohol. My father was one. I wonder why you felt your latter careers as failures. I think a lot of us know we have a lot of potential but our bipolar interferes with our performance which is so frustrating. I wonder how many times you have been told that you were brilliant or something to that effect. I think as a bipolar is it is hard to feel good about ourselves. we are never enough. self acceptance is so hard. I understand the need to drink because then you can escape at least for a while those feelings.
bobby

"We are never enough."
 

I really wanted my teaching/theatre careers. It was an ego thing. I made both happen, just kept knocking at doors & using contacts till I got what I wanted. I was good--people said I was brilliant. They paid me as if i were. Then it all unravelled.

I went thru who-knows-how-many jobs. Then many years with computers. Successfully, but not what I wanted. After my mom died, Florida & writing. Again successfully. Finally I began to realize that writing was what I was supposed to be doing all this time. I get little self-satisfaction out of this compared with theatre, but I dont worry & there's little stress. Here is where my true talent lies.

The odd thing about my alcoholic impulse is that it's been very quiet since I was first put on a mood stabilizer. Not one time have I thought of getting a bottle. I guess it's a chemical thing.

I'm glad you've continued this thread. Over 50,000 viewings! Lots of sadness out there & in here both I guess.


(my emphasis --BCG)

i already have this information... in fact we may have talked about it at some point, i am not going to post it here. i had planned to certify starting october. i hadn't counted on getting depressed, let alone this depressed.
even among "difficult" students, i've found only a couple that were truly "hostile" and it didn't have to do with me. other difficult students often have special needs of different kinds. what i found worked well was just to be alert to the individuals, try to identify those needs and get the student past any specific hurdles. if one succeeds this leads to a metamorphosis in a "difficult" student.
development doesn't enrich anyone other than people who are already in top jobs bla bla bla. teaching enriches students, and the teacher as well if s/he is receptive to it. but even if there were no learning on the teacher's part, the process is aimed at having students walk out with more than they had going in, and not in material terms. this is the rewarding part.

i don't find much reward in resolving bugs other than my boss might get off my butt for 5 whole minutes. that's the other thing about development. they always want everything working perfectly, fully-featured... but they want it yesterday which puts you in a double bind between slipping the deadline (heads roll) and hacked solutions, where any hope of clean design goes out the window. And then, low and behold you have inexplicable "show-stoppers" bugs (heads roll). it's a horrible feeling. some people i know love the "challenge" - i don't.

the work environment is so different from the academic one. well, i survived it for a while, anyway.

love

~ waves ~

Waves,


I appreciate how stressful the job was. You do a good job describing exactly what was happening.

M

Dear Bobby,

I don't know much about PS100. I will look into it.
The brain fog situation could probably lessoned if I slept.

That your lawyer had a breath and depth of experience helped him help you. It is hard when an outsider looks about your back background and sheds light on what you already know you are dealing with like the work history.


M

dear waves,
it really sounds as if you have a purpose and it will work out. depression seems to work on its own time schedule. you have just gone through a traumatic situation and it takes time to heal from that. we bipolars can't just bounce back from a bad experience. they are so draining.
love
bobby boy does this sound trite

a major way of living with bipolar is eliminating stress and worry and it sounds like that is the way your life finally evolved with wonderful memories that contained a lot of stress and worry and rewards. you must be thrilled that you no longer have the need to numb yourself through liquor. you always sound so alive. do you give yourself credit for your victory? I think there is a lot of sadness out there and it is hard to fight it
bobby

sleep definitely helps brain fog....lol. there was a point in my appeal before the judge where i was asked to leave the room and my friend was a witness for me and the lawyer was there. I always wondered if the lawyer gave his input. I am going to ask my friend. I never asked her. the lawyer should write a book because he had so much clarity....he really knew the difference between a bipolar person and a "normal" person
bobby

I do credit myself for going to & staying with AA. It was my only way. It was the program, my sponsors, friends, parents--my producer friend who still is a friend--these & god I thank for making it. That was the fate I had waiting from my first step/jump in the pool. My philosophy again.

Yes, Bobby, lots of sadness. "Men die, and they are not happy." Our two destinies, according to my favorite existentialist Albert Camus.

I hope your sadness & depression is beginning to lift a little.

Dear Bobby,
YEs, it would be nice to know what happened in that courtroom.
I've been late to work two or three times in the past two weeks. I missed my first class today.
I went to bed early-ish for me, woke up early, and went back to sleep. I didn't hear the alarm clock.
I need to find a loud clock and put it across the room so I have to get out of bed to turn it off. Maybe that would work.

It's cloudy and rainy out.
I hope that your day goes well.

M

I think you should write a book bobby.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I am so glad you give yourself credit for staying with aa. you must be a very determined lady and brave woman. I believe in miracles but I don't know if I believe in fate. I believe in free will within limitations. I didn't know Camus wrote that.
My sadness is lifting a little although i am still worried big time about my teeth and money issues. the woman at the senior center finally mentioned that i wasn't contributing the two dollars for lunch. I told her i though it was voluntary and she said it was and i said i feel humilated but my stocks have crashed badly and i talked it over with my social worker. she said not to feel that way and she said her stocks were okay because she had them in mutual funds. another lady overheard the conversation and patted me on the back and said don't feel that way and she doesn't pay sometimes too. I felt relief.
it was out in the open.
bobby

that sounds like a good plan. with the change of weather up here, i don't know about down here, i am sleeping later no matter what time i go to sleep.
could that be part of the problem. I hope your day goes well too. it started being rainy and cloudy but now the sun is coming out.
bobby

Even a little less sadness can be wonderful, but I'm sorry the money & dental worries continue. These things just nibble and nibble and nibble ... like pebbles pulling away from under our feet, making our way that much harder.

I'm so glad the lunch pay/contribute issue surfaced & you felt support from a community member. That's terrific, Bobby! :heartthrob:

Dear Bobby,

That talk of money for lunch stressed me out just reading about it. I like the way you handled it.

M

my mood is a little better and i don't know why. if i knew why then maybe i could hold onto it. if nothing drastic happens with my teeth i hope i can have the courage to have them worked on in the spring. I know a lot has to do with post traumatic stress. I just ordered a medication that is costing me 20 dollars. I questioned the amount because with copays from epic they usually cost three dollars. I found out the cost is usually six hundred dollars. wow and thensome. I think i will get a refill next month if he wrote me a refill since epic is changing next year and will just cover the donut hole.
bobby with abby on my leg.

it has made it a lot easier and i don't cringe when i ask for a ticket and say hello. i still feel guilty though. I count the money i save and it is adding up and that makes me feel good. It has also lessened my food bill when i order food. I try to be very careful with my money. when my tv broke i thought of doing away with tv but i just couldn't do it yet. i felt too lonely.
bobby

oh have to have a tv for company.....
sorry that you tv broke. We have a radio shack that is at least 25 years old running great. bizi

i have been wanting to go to sleep at four o clock in the afternoon. I guess I am really depressed. this morning i go to my social worker. I will force myself to go. I don't feel like doing anything. I know i should start taking little walks and build up but i can't motivate myself. I just heard that the medicare increase in under four dollars and the cola increase is about forty dollars. the medicare increase was rumored to be 10 dollars. I should be so thankful. I am looking into ooma or magic jack. I could save a lot of money but it sounds like so much trouble. you have to wait a while until your old phone number works. I started taking another class with university without walls...conference calls where there is interaction...one of them is on gratitude. for homework every night you write down three things you are greatful for and then you also write somebody youare greatful for. It is sort of an offshoot of positive thinking. my life feels so empty even though now i am going to the senior center five days a week.
bobby

Dear Bobby,


That's good about the class over the phone. . . . interesting that people work on gratitude.

Do you feel like you have settled into the senior center? Has it become part of your day now or do you still have to expend great effort to think about going?

Good luck with the social worker.
M

I am happy that you are making an effort to go to the center daily...this is an effort and is getting you out of your apartment. You know that if you take a class at most universitys you can audit them with out a charge. so this is something you could do maybe next semester if the bus system works out convenient for the school.
I am glad that you are doing the grateful class on line. Do you like it?
You are making steps forward you really are. I wish you felt better about these efforts.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

i feel as if i have settled into the senior center. i am no longer on my diet. it is too hard to be on while going to the senior center and also i guess the deprivation caught up with me. two of the people i like a lot are leaving for florida soon. al is going to first have surgery for kidney cancer on nov 11. we talk a lot about current affairs. he is very talkative-always has something to say and has a positive nature. Mildred is also really neat and is eighty five but doesn't look it or act it unless she talks about her deceased husband.
bobby

i really liked the gratitude class although some of the people are more depressed than i am. auditing classes cost money up north...not cheap...also i have a hard time leaving my apartment. the senior center is across the street so that makes it easy.
bobby

Dear Bobby,
I feel good about your going to the senior center across the street to talk to Al and Mildred.
I like that you can do the gratitude class over the phone without having to go anywhere.
Keep doing what can work for you.

M

thank you very much Mari-
I am a mass of worries but when i go to the senior center they seem to disappear when i am there. it is when i am alone. also i am taking another class at dorotusa.before it was on the torah and was very interesting. on wednesday it is going to be on Jewish Mysticism with the same teacher. I am looking forward to that.
bobby

At your senior center, do they offer other things
that you might be interested in doing?
happy that you are going and that it is a great distraction from your worries, some relief from that which sounds exhausting.
bizi

they have other activities such as yoga and crafts but i don't feel like participating in them. I don't know what is wrong with me. I went to the yoga once and was bored. I used to do needlepoint when i was young but now needlework doesn't interest me. I have been in a funk for so long. I keep on thinking about death.
i called my girlfriend yesterday. she has been without electricity for over a day. i didn't invite her to stay here because i have a studio. i might call her this morning and ask her.
bobby

bobby, I am sorry that you keep thinking about death in general or are you suicidal? Reach out to your friend, have her come over for coffee or tea to visit, if she has been without electricity the break would do her good and you too. Yoga teaches us to take better care of our bodies...(i have never done yoga before) but this is what I am told. And you seem to have a hard time doing that so maybe you were not just into it then. Maybe you could try again and focus on helping your body, breathing on a cellular level, breathing can be relaxing and centering, nurturing, taking care of yourself. Just a suggestion.
love bizi

she lives over an hour away and i tried to call her this morning but at first there was no answer and then the phone was busy. i think it is kind of phoney offering her to stay in my apartment since it is only a studio and she has three cats. i don't know what to do. I also looked up how much generators cost but it was too confusing because i dont know what size she wanted. I think i have too much anxiety for yoga...i am not peaceful enough to have the patience to do it.
love
bobby

dear bobby

a bit of a late reply but i read that you felt like you should be doing short walks etc and that that senior center didn't count because it is across the street. i just want to say i remember when you had to really push to go there, at all, sometimes. now you are going 5 days a week - that is a huge leap forward! c'mon, give yourself some credit! A+ for outcome, A++ for effort. it took time, so maybe you hardly noticed... but i see how far you've come! well done! you are also so much more involved in activities like the online courses etc... it is all good... the more walking will come when you are ready. do what comes, you are doing well for where you're at.

there is nothing wrong you, or with your inherent disinterest for yoga or needlepoint. you are still depressed and that is why the thoughts of death i have them too. yes i really wish there were a magic pill... whoosh no more depression, normal abilities, no dragging around, questions like "what do you want to watch" do not precipitate an anxiety attack... looking at the future with vague apprehension and some curiosity instead of this terror of everything....... yes hurry up someone and invent a magic pill.

love and blessings to you :Heart:

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,

I too am impressed with your amazing progress in only a few months about getting across the street to the senior center.

Don't worry about the yoga. If you can, spend 3-5 mins in silence listening only to your breathing.

M

dear Mari
i will try that. it is something i can definitely do and i don't have to leave my apartment.
bobby

if only there were a magic pill to take us over the fears we face and the depression that cripples us. our drugs don't seem to do it. i guess i should give myself credit but i don't feel as if i earned it. I am sorry we share a lot of the same problems. the death thing is awful. steve jobs's final words oh wow oh wow oh wow gave me hope...put a smile on face...if only
love you and thanks for the blessings and blessings toyou
bobby

Amen, Bobby

Dear Bobby,

When you mentioned Steve Job's last words I didn't look them up. I figured that he has a team helping to keep his memory for their own reasons. Also, I saw his sister is a novelist.
So finally tonight, I looked him on-line.I laughed when I read "Wow oh Wow. Interesting. Maybe he really did say that. He could have said it. And maybe I could be less of a skeptic.:)
I know he spent years studying and practicing Eastern religions.

I hope that you are having a good week.
I slept almost enough last night. Then this evening I took a very late nap and am sleepy again. Maybe it is good that my body is forcing me to sleep. I hope I follow through and go to bed soon.

I guess I should either wash my hair in the morning or go to work in whatever state it is now. . . . washing it tonight might interfere with my sleepiness right now.

Take care.
M

i thought of his studying eastern religions when i read he said oh wow three times as his last words. it made me sort of positive toward death for a while.
with the holidays approaching my depression and feelings of loneliness are growing. i have no plans for thanksgiving. i am debating whether or not to ask my neighbor if she is free to go out to eat. i probably won't.
I am so glad you were able to get more sleep...good job...i hope it continues
bobby