One great day (+insurance approval), then another moody bad day
 

I feel kind of weird lately, an emotional roller coaster. Unfortunately DH plays a big part in this. My period also started two weeks early. It's been off since I started the Oxcarbazepine.

The 24th DH went to the hot springs. Fine, DD and I will spend the day together. The sun was shining and I think it hit 70 degrees. I went outside and harvested all of the green bean seeds from the dead plants, pulled out some dead stuff from the garden. I had to be careful, and stopped and sat often, but got a lot done. The sun and movement was really good for me.

I got a letter from the insurance company that they have approved my pain pump! Awesome.

Made cookies. DD helped a little. They came out perfect.

DH then didn't come home. He had a 24 hr pass so I figured he'd stay the night, fine. Well, woke up the morning of the 25th with a text saying he would be late, be there late aftn. That's not okay because I told him I wanted to spend the day with him. We don't celebrate Christmas (we do Yule on the 21st), but I saw everybody saying stuff on FB about all the stuff they were doing and it kind of got me down.

I spent all day in a funk. DD wouldn't do a darn thing I asked her to. DH didn't come home until after I went to sleep. He was super late and all I could think of is that he got eaten by a mountain lion or got killed by a hippie at the hot springs. I know, crazy, but when he doesn't communicate with me my mind wanders. Where he was out is out of range of phones.

At some point I broke down crying. I made lunch that DD wouldn't eat. I made more cookies that didn't turn out right. I thought about calling somebody but I didn't want to bring down their Christmas.

This morning I'm at work. I feel horrible, emotionally. I woke up this morning and told DH I felt like punching him (which I'd never do). He read all the text messages I sent him the night before and was upset with me. Cause that's how it always is, he doesn't communicate, I get mad and then it's all my fault somehow. No huge fight or anything, but the depression from yesterday is still here. The fact he can't do a damn thing for me around the holidays is still here.

The huge bright spot here is that I'm getting a pain pump. Hopefully once that goes in I'll be able to move around more and feel a little more normal.

We're going to go to Vegas on MLK weekend. My brother is taking DD to see a Harlem Globetrotters game, so he's going to take her for the weekend and give us some time for us. It always helps a ton to give us time alone. We obviously really, really, really need it.

Chaos, I'm glad you got insurance approval for your pain pump. I hope it helps. I'm sorry you're feeling so down though. I understand that feeling too and my family also seems to "disappear" sometimes when I need help. It's very frustrating. I hope it helps a little to know you're not alone. I will pray that your day gets better. Take care and be good to yourself. You deserve it.

Chaos, I'm sorry you're struggling with the 'one step forwards, two steps back' rollercoaster...:rolleyes: Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Bram.

More like one step forward, 5 steps back. I messed up at work yesterday. Cost the company only $600, made money for the client but still have to explain it to him and made my boss mad. Boss sent an email about it two weeks ago and I forgot. Gee, why in the word would I possibly forget? I have a brain of steel....right.

I had to leave for work today and there were two cats all snuggled on my bed, DD and her friend snuggled in her bed. I just wanted to sleep.

Chaos, everyone makes mistakes. And when you have rsd it affects not only your body but your mind (including your memory). So don't beat yourself up about it. Your boss will get over it, and I'm sure the company will still go on. I've seen people cost companies more with their mistakes at work without having rsd to contend with. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Remember you and your health come first. Try to get some rest today when you get home try to take some time for you and snuggle with your furry babies. Take care.

No, this was a biggie. It wasn't about money so much about the action. Boss is quite upset.

Maybe tell him how rsd and the meds you take for it affects your memory. It's true and you're also in pain. I don't know your boss, but that's what I would have done if I were still working. I hope whatever happens, you can get some rest. Stress will just cause you more pain and I don't wan't that to happen to you. I hope all goes well and things will be okay.

Chaos, sorry about your biggie...stuff like that sucks. It's a fine line to walk - I agree with Renee abut explaining to your boss about how the CRPS can affect your memory....but I wouldn't make it sound too serious in case he then thinks he cant trust you with anything :rolleyes: Work stuff is a nightmare in that regard, and you do have to be careful. Of course your boss should accept any limitations from your medical condition and not penalise you for them, but we know that in practice that can mean many things. It all depends what sort of guy/gal they are, and whether they will let you continue the same work...

Sorry. I'm not saying you have to lie, or that because you made this mistake you have to go and count beans in a corner or something...just that you need to be careful with how you explain this.

For work stuff, I write everything I need to do down in a little diary that I carry everywhere to remind me. Otherwise I forget all sorts - it's saved my bacon many times. I'm lucky it's just me now though, and I don't have a boss - although it can still cost me a lot in money and reputation if I mess up.

Good luck and keep smiling. I still think you are doing great to be working at all considering what you are dealing with. Be proud of that.

Bram.

Thanks Bram. I do have stickies all over my desk, set up reminders on Outlook.

I buy and sell stocks for a money manager, per the direction of my boss, I don't decide what to buy and sell. This client put $2M in an account. I was supposed to invest it over 3 or so months. I saw the email a couple weeks ago and totally forgot. When I was balancing the models (meaning all clients in a model [group of like accounts] have the same percentage of each stock in their account) I forgot he was in the model. My system kind of does it automatically. So I still made the guy $13K over three days, but if we had held onto the stock for him he would have lost a lot in January when stocks drop. I'm still new at this and there is a lot to learn. Our custodian (the financial institution that holds the money) is super mad at us too because I've made too many errors this year.

So yeah. It's not easy with this stupid CRaPS and my memory comes and goes. Some days it's not good, other times it's great. I really want to stop working, but I don't have that option.

They know way too well what's going on with me, but I don't think they realize I have issues with my memory and I don't want to tell them. I'm hoping that the pain pump helps me enough that my brain comes back to normal.

I have LOTS of trouble with my short term memory. I have always thought it was the narcotics I was on for years, but who knows the reason. I was terrified of people at work catching on to how bad it was. I kept a notepad in my pocket at all times and wrote EVERYTHING down as a running to-do list. Sticky notes didn't work well for me because it became just visual clutter and I would't actually read them. Every day at work I would review my list and re-prioritize stuff. It is extra work for sure ,but it has saved my hide on many occasions. The other problem I had was that I couldn't remember if I had done a task. So on my checklist I would mark it done and the date done. That way when the boss asked me about it I could give an informed answer.
Sorry to hear you are struggling Chaos. Hope you can find some creative ways to cope.

Oh boy, what a dilemma. My husband works in the financial industry, I too have worked in the investment consulting biz long ago, and in 2010 did over a thousand videos for life and annuity reps (CFA's, etc) and I have often heard and had to deal with the compliance regulations that are the law of the land in that world and the consequences when the laws are not followed. It is a very demanding, stressful job you have. I am sure you are diligent and work very hard, and when something happens that you KNOW was a consequence of CRPS at work, that can be devastating. I am so sorry that this happened to you, and I also completely understand not telling them what's going on with the affects of CRPS on your mind. Just keep doing the best you can hon. That's really all that you can do. Sheep happens and soon it will be just one of those damn things that happened and will be behind you. Hang in there girl! You're amazing! They have no idea how amazing you really are.... but we do!! :hug:

"Sheep happens".....

OMG Vrae, I love that!!! :D

Hope you are doing ok today chaos - how are things going?

Bram.

Kind of feeling like nothing I do is right. Boss emailed me like 8 times last night, um, yeah a Sunday night. Why would I be checking my email? Legs have been hurting the past couple days and I'm not sleeping well. I never sleep well though. That's one of the reasons I want the pain pump, so I can be medicated better overnight.

I think it'll take a couple more weeks for things to smooth over, for me to feel like there isn't a hatchet for me behind held everybody's back.

The H.R. Hatchet is swinging at me as we speak. The RSD/CRPS really puts you between a rock & a hard space huh?

Oh no AzDi...hope you are ok. Makes me so mad. These people have no idea the hell they put people through - HR is a joke, it's just damage limitation for the company, employee protection and care is very low on their priorities, and almost always a minimum :confused:

I'd like to see a HR person or company head who's put people through HR hell, actually have to deal with a long term chronic illness and earn money, and admit that their policies suck big time. Fat chance of course because they are protected by their wealth.

Take care of yourself AzDi, and I hope you get through this quickly and get a fair outcome... I'll have my fingers crossed.

Bram.