Worst I Have Ever Been
 

After reading Hopeful's last post, I feel selfish posting this since she is so concerned with how her family feels and all I want to do is end this. Don't worry would kent do anything that selfish because of the impact it would have on my 3 sweet boys. But I couldn't even get out of bed yesterday and here I am again today. The pain and weakness in my legs is unbearable and I am so sick to my stomach that I am unable to eat. All I have been doing is sleeping and taking tramadol (which a week ago I was not even taking) and zofran. And yes the tramadol makes the nausea worse but it is between that or the awful pain. The max I took is 100mg.

I just do not undertstand. Why me? Why us? When will this nightmare end? I find myself looking around at other people thinking I would o anything to be them-to be normal and healthy. Meanwhile my prayers go unanswered. As hopeful said there has got to be a reason for this....

For now what do I do??? I have to at least be able to function :(

Cat, I am so sorry. There are no words to tell you as I know because there are no words I myself want to hear. I have been on a couch for 2 weeks unable to be up for more than 15 minutes on my feet. I have all your feelings and thoughts and no answers. But I understand your need to come somewhere safe and put to words your feelings that you can't say out loud to loved ones.

Praying for all of us, even when it feels useless. :grouphug:

Most—if not all—of us have been through this—and more. I've accepted that the answers may never be found/known, and I'm concentrating more on adapting, taking better care of myself, and trying to enjoy what I still have.

A couple of things that have helped me move on are knowledge/understandings of some things we have in common—the stages of grief (a.k.a. Kübler-Ross Model) as applied to chronic illness, and the Vicious Cycle(s) of Chronic Pain (and one or more of anxiety, insomnia, stress, depression...)

Doc

Hi Cat,
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I do believe there are reasons for everything. I also know flare ups happen to all of us. I'm praying that is what this is for you. If it is a flare up, the good thing is they do pass.

I feel like emotionally it is normal for us to ask why us sometimes. Also to say I can't take this anymore and to wish for our life's before this disease. We are only human! At least I think I still am!:)

I have to believe that God is answering our prayers. They just aren't the answers we want but that doesn't make any of this easier. :confused:

I don't know where you live but if it in s good as the weather here in PA go sit outside. I'm going to. I know you probably think you can't with the pain but hopefully you can get your husband to set a chair out for you and we can both get some sunshine.

No that in PA I'm praying you for and wishing you happy moments!:hug:

Remember to get a lot a hugs from those boys that really helps me!

Hi,
I read Kubler Ross in nursing school but not vicious cycles. I'm going to get it!
Thanks!
Hopeful

Thank you so much to everyone. Just like with you hopeful, reading through your thoughtful responses brought tears to my eyes. Just knowing there are people who "get it" makes it easier to bear. I am in TX and it is actually beautiful outside hopeful so I will get out of bed and try to sit in the sun for a bit (maybe you can too Stacy). And I have never read about either of those topics Dr.Smith and will take a look when I am out of the feeling sorry for myself zone:)

Thanks again and I send prayers and hugs back to all of you.

I completely understand. Once in a while I question my ability to take on this dreadful burden and cope, day in day out. I've only had this less than a year. I ask myself how am I going to cope with this another 30 or 40 years!

Walking past people in the street, normal people, who are completely oblivious to the terrible pain I'm suffering while they enjoy life. And yes, I feel envious of those lucky people. I was like them once. Is this what it's like to be very old and watch the young people doing things.

If anything good has come of this, for me it's gaining an appreciation of what others are feeling. I was once quite a selfish person, impatient. If a little old lady was in my path holding me up as she carries her shopping to the car, I'd get angry inside, wishing she wouldn't waste my time. But now, now I'd help her to carry her shopping, have a nice chat and feel great I'd met someone new today.

That is one of the positives for me. I've learned patience and understanding. It doesn't quite answer the "why me", but it helps me accept it more.

There is a moderate drug interaction with tramadol and zofran.

http://www.drugs.com/interactions-ch...21-0,1752-1120

Tramadol has to be activated by the liver to its active metabolite in order to work. So there can be a delay of up to hours before you have pain relief. So people often increase dosing...before that can happen, and then they end up with significant side effects.

I for example, cannot tolerate tramadol in high doses...causes terrific nausea for me. So I only use 25mg (1/2 of a 50mg tablet). And even then I reserve it for really bad nights only.

Hi Cat
 

I hear your pain. I too wonder, why me. I look at the other folks out enjoying life, and I want that too. I had a good vacation, but came back to some bad news. Trying hard not to panic. Had some bad cells show up where they shouldn't be, so I am having somewhat of a pity party today myself. I really wish all of us on NT with these health conditions, would get a break and feel good for change. I hope for the best for you too. ginnie:hug:

Oh no. What does that mean???

Hi Cat
 

I don't want to panic as I said. The cells are Epithelial Squamous. According to what I looked up they have no business being in my urine. I have had pre-cancer in my throat, DNA changes with Barretts esophagus, so I am of course worried. This is my family here on NT, and I sure need some composure right about now. Been on and off sick since Feb. Got a vacation in, but got sick there too, so I do know something is going on. ginnie:eek::mad::(

Ginnie
 

Where are you in FL? I WAS a FL girl born in Orlando. My sister is still there.

Hi Illpn
 

Hi Florida Girl. I am on the west coast, just south of Tampa bay. Group of very tiny keys are there. I am on the Island closest to Tampa Bay. In fact the north end touched it. Good place to be even when sick. ginnie:hug:

Ginnie... Just this week, I, too, had a urine panel done and had positive epithelial squamous cells, positive protein level (30 mg/dl) and mucous in my urine. Of course I started searching for what this may mean, as I have heard nothing from the doctor. But, of the things that are positive, I read that epith squam cells are simply skin cells, completely normal, and indicative of a bad "catch" during the collection process.
Please don't panic... Call your doctor!

Hi Heb
 

Thank you ever so much for that information. I do feel a bit better about it. I did attempt a clean catch so to speak. What got me worried was the relationship there may or may not be with regards to my throat. I get tested every 6 months and biopsy during endoscopy. So... that was the source of me being frightened. I did look up the words, and all openings of the body have those cells. My dad died of throat cancer, and it wasn't a good death. That I guess was the root of my worry. I have been on and off sick since the middle of Feb. Even got sick on vacation. Other parts of the work up I received do show elevated White blood cells as well. I guess I am fighting off some kind of infection for which cipro did nothing. I will call the doctor first thing Monday, and repeat the testing of that I am sure he will want. I do thank God for this site, as we all try to calm each other down when presented with a problem. I think when a person has chronic conditions, it is easy to make the situation worse than it really is. Being rational flies right out the window, and you panic before you know for sure what is going on. Thank you again for calm thoughts sent to me. ginnie:hug::o

Ginnie,

I am wishing you good luck and God's tender mercies. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

M

thank you Mari
 

I am ever so grateful for the good thoughts and prayers coming my way. ginnie:hug:

Ginnie, I too am praying for you. I am in a much better place mentally/spiritually right now, if not physically. People like you and others on this board with such amazing strength is such an encouragement.

Hi Stacy
 

I am glad your spirits are better Stacy. Maybe we all get strength from each other. When you know you are not alone, and that others are thinking about you, it makes whatever happens easier to tolerate. Being alone, magnifies the problems. When you have buddies on your side, the spirit can still be free. Thank you for prayers Stacy, they are coming your way too. ginnie:hug: