making a choice everyday
 

hello to all

might i just add as many forums apply to this woman
a mother of four 33,31,30 and my 16 year old
grandmother of one 3 1/2 i have custody of

suicide is a part of this family
my father killed himself at 48
hand gun to the heart
now my family all come to give it a try
from my epileptic daughter oldest attempted in her
late 20's
my son second child tried several times bi-polar
after he left home in his 20's also

this has all come to light
as i expressed i don't want to go on anymore
but i can't
it's not an option
and i have been hanging on even harder
i have been hanging on since i was a toddler
watched my father rape my mother
when we were in S. Africa
we left that country when i was 5
so you see my fingers really hurt

my 16 year old left last week today
as she walked out the door to get the laundry
that was in the drier
she never came home
and it wasn't 24 hours as she text me
she was safe this was a lie
she walked the streets all night

as my condition heads in the direction
of eventual difficulties i will not be able to do
as there is a decline from last summer to this summer
the immobility just enough for me to see and assess

she left
just like that

and as the time came i needed to call her father
he responds
"and here i go getting pulled into this turd"

and as i call him she was text-ing me if she could come home

i had to let him know
for i would have had to contact the authorities and put out an Amber alert

SHE COMES HOME

her father asking me to tell my daughter
not to speak of her sexuality
as she is gay as my son is
i have no issue with this
apparently her father did
as like he said to her
things get back to him
my daughters girlfriend happens to live
several houses from my daughters father
i have had my daughters girlfriend at my home

now i ask my daughter
i really needed to know
how is it that you could walk out this door
and just leave

she tells me things were just to overwhelming
much of it girlfriend related
having to help me with Eva

there is only one problem
i am giving her a break to enjoy
life a bit before bogging down and
getting her GED and to get back on the horse
she is open to therapy

here goes
i ask her
"what is it that you are not paying attention too

as i am an open book to my children

hope to have been a good role model
a single parent and raised them only with
the help of God
as my ex-husband was obsessed with me and controlling
this was one of the times i felt the Holy Spirit and heard
you will be okay
and i packed his bags
and its been 30 years December 30,1984
he lost sight of his children
i have my love child 14 years later
another problematic situation
as i met him in recovery
i take care of my drinking
i am also a recovering alcoholic 22 years
and understand clearly
only one thing for absolute certainty
no matter what was in the cards
it left me responsible for me and that's it
and my children
in a different way
i told my daughter
i love them

i fight everyday to want to stay alive
and it is the bottom line
every day i fight to stay alive for her and
her siblings granddaughter
i have 2 sisters who need me
i have to fight everyday to stay alive
for her and my granddaughter
and that yes it comes down to helping me where
i can't do it anymore physically

and i have to bare the idea
that any one of us
and everyone of us tried "it"

so i told her haven't you figured out
at this time in your life
things don't happen by themselves
and i have been stripped of my strength
and maimed in the process
each of you children took at least 10 years each
of my life
and just when it is a time i could
be free to be free and live a little
will never be in a form of a vacation

but to know my children are doing well
and are happy
and reach out to Jesus Christ
when they feel they have no one

i told my daughter
i fight everyday for her and the rest of THEM

my family

in Jesus name

amen

You've experienced so much and you must be a very strong and courageous woman.
You are a survivor.
How do we allow our children to become survivors also?
I'm not so sure, but you are having the serious conversations with your daughter, and that's important now.

Those of us who are parents all wish that our children will be well and happy and not feel alone, even when they're no longer little children and become adult children. Sometimes I think that it can take them a life time of living to understand what their parent or parents were actually teaching them or to even understand a little how much of a struggle it was to keep going, often in extreme circumstances. It might be a little cliché these days but I often think of that poem by Kahlil Gibran as I sometimes need to be reminded.
Kahlil Gibran - On Children.
http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

Thinking of you eva. :hug:

Eva you have lived a hard a troubled life...but you are a suvivor please never forget that

:hug:

David

Oh Eva;

You have been given much to do. Just getting thru each day is a wonder. 22 years of sobriety. My daughter, some years ago, had given me the pamphlet "Why We Were Chosen". (a passage:...."He went not to the proud, the mighty, the famous or the brilliant. He went instead to the humble, to the sick".)

I only wish Carissa would call or email me. Just to talk about anything she would like. Although I only spoke with her a couple of times, (as well as emailed when I forwarded a picture of the painting I did of the Divine Mercy); I know and feel she has so much to offer and really is a very heartwarming loving young lady.

Love & Prayers,

Gerry

my dear friend Gerry
hope you and family are well
you are right about Corissa
she truly is heartwarming
and is good
just too many things going on
and she is reacting to all of it
i do not want to loose a second
child to the world she is not
prepared to do
she crossed the bridge and
went into NYC
this was frighting
i am now getting help
only this too is difficult
trial and error
must do it now
she wants the help
this i must do
love
me
hanging on by my fingertips

Making that choice every day is exhausting!

Pters words:

As to the thoughts, I will be the first to say they are exhausting and, as I have said previously, they tire us to a point where we honestly believe suicide is the only solution. It is not. BEFRIEND and TALK. These thoughts are a part of you, for better or worse. I believe strongly in a physiological connection with suicidal thoughts. Our fear of the thought stimulates a negative physiological reaction which appears to give the negative thoughts enhanced power over us. Step back for a moment and place yourself in an imaginary situation. You see a child running into a busy roadway...you run quickly to save this child from oncoming cars...feel the reaction rising in your body. The adrenaline pounding throughout your body and brain. Now the rescue is over, your alone, feel the exhaustion of your body and mind.

You are rescuing yourself daily, hourly, every few minutes. Each thought evokes a physiological reaction with the end result being exhaustion. Befriend this thought. Treat it as you would the child who ran into the pathway of cars. Hold it, talk to it, teach it that there is another way to walk the roads of life. Post it here and allow others to comfort it. Do not be ashamed of it. What is it really but a thought that wants attention. Understand now, I did not say a PERSON who wants attention but a THOUGHT that wants attention from that person. It is the fight against the thought that tires us and makes us vulnerable to enactment of the thought.

I cannot give you a reason to live. I can, however, take away your reason for dying. An untrained unaccepted thought is not justification for death.

it is every single day
 

i keep telling myself
i will get better
it cannot be like this
much longer
this to shall pass
it's not going anywhere
i am stuck in a dark place
spoke to my shrink
it was releasing
and short lived

i am making the effort
wanting to jump out of bed
and kick butt
i miss the me i was

hanging on by my
faith

it's hard to come
and let loose
for i need to be
truthful

today isn't any different
 

waking up begins
and trouble in paradise
both my youngest
and my second youngest
sixteen and my thirty year old
both struggle with addiction
something that has touched all
of my family from a father amputee
as a young man work related
narcissistic mother
sexually inappropriate doings
to me and my middle sister
i the oldest
my youngest sister spared
although she was nine at the time
had her go into the bathroom while
he was preparing to dress in the nines
in his best was subjected to the gun
he used to kill himself
it sat on the toilet bowl
i had left home already
on my own no knowledge
of what i was going to do
told my shrink
"if i feel as badly the black hole
feeling of doom what was my father feeling
Robin Williams and his demons
i hurt so badly
and if i feel like i do
what could have been so bad
to make that decision"
and my shrink said things
i already knew what he was
saying
and then reality set in
it's not an option right now
i have a family that still need me
my granddaughter in my custody
as mom and now my youngest
are in NA to get back what was taken
only i too understand addiction
a recovering alcoholic twenty years plus
now my youngest celebrating thirty days
every member in one form or another are
functioning addicts
some on the wagon some still fighting
this terrible disease that plagues my lineage
is a terrible trap to be in add depression
another thing that plagues this family
too have fought my demons all my life
only time gives a person wisdom
only i can't shake my feelings and thoughts
but when in that zone and no sign of my brain
letting up
then to find a glimmer
of course my granddaughter
the light the future
odds against her already
with father and mother not doing well
is why i have her till mommy gets well
she needed to get out of the room she was renting
she pulls back painted wallpaper sent me the mold
the black mold
this i am very familiar with
a ten year fight with the landlord
he lost ownership deed to the criminal
way he allowed us to live with just one
of the hazard-est conditions we as tenants
were subjected to
point i know there were nine different mold
spores found
i and a fellow tenant
another single mom of three
fought evil and won
how can i not get her out of there
still in a ill way
it isn't an option
now how much more of this
terrible feeling i am experiencing
my shrink says
with the circumstances of my life
it and i know what he says is true
as i went through the its
it was almost inevitable
okay
but you see this feeling is so strong
to is work in itself and its exhausting
doing the best i can
i just don't know
how depression can be so difficult
to counter
i would do anything
just to feel happiness
the sadness is so deep
and as vast as the ocean
me

putting on my face
 

it's hard enough
having to put on somewhat of a face
but such as a day yesterday
a daughter who is with me
a PCP addict that made me a first time grandmother
and when you don't have control of them
as my child picked up
a good samaritan called an ambulance
as she was in the streets in the day
i a bad way
i can't stop this
just interrupt whenever i can so i can get her
to not get high
one day
that's it
nothing more or less
getting help
she was to go to the doctor
and next a meeting
but decided to get high first
not an option
and many things will interfere
i want it to make simple decisions
to have simple fun
me

and trying to pick a fight
 

this a, a pattern for her to
get what she wants and
do what she does
excuses excuses
it's herself and her ungrateful attitude
not a care in the world
as i make a choice everyday
to stick it out
there isn't an option for me
and with that choice comes
much pain in all kinds of forms
and i want to be well and happy
and this monster has a hold on me
it just isn't fair
what is the defense
i am just a person who tries to
find joy in any little thing i do
where will my love for You shine most
i tell her no excuses will be tolerated
i know and try my best
i get turd in return
my own fault
this much i know
i have custody and doing my best
under the circumstances of all i try real hard to do is keep You
alive

alive

Alive i want to be

Eva,

I offer prayers for you and your family daily. As you know so well; "One Day at a Time".

My daughter; a recovering cocaine addict who has been clean for 17 years, passed her certification to work with addicts. She reaches out to the younger ones with great concern for those using heroin.. ...
I offer you hope.

Gerry

Thought is all we really have, and a great gift. You have the power to think good thoughts. Doom and gloom, or peace and love? Choose what you want. Spread the love. What is best for your highest good?? This is what matters. Health is a great goal...we are all working on getting healthier, body, mind and spirit. I am so sorry so many of your loved ones struggled with depression and opted out. That is hard. You can change that cycle. Glad you are reaching out. Here comes a hug.

a terrible vicious powerful gene
 

thank my caring dear friends

i come with much experience with depression
i has not escaped any of my family
suicide has claimed my father
a very sick individual
a narcissistic individual
both ill here i will speak of the mental
well-being
horrible prototype for parents
i come here today
to say how addiction captured my sixteen year old
now coming from a mother
who never kept it a secret
it is my life changing moment
when the obsession was lifted
and you will not understand that
unless you have been there
you see it all starts with the
company you choose to keep
and then not feeling okay with themselves
begin to try things
and before you know it
as you may feel good temporarily
the problem or uneasy feeling you
might be experiencing in the end is
dependency
i don't know
you have a child
you talk and talk and hope some would stick
you are responsible
i am responsible and hope to get clear to her
you do have a choice
i know what i'm talking about
alcohol drugs
pain
me

a another try
 

God

she attempted to kill herself
she was unconscious
and is being transfers
to a different hospital

i don't know what to do anymore
her baby my grandchild needs me
as my sixteen year old also
when she is released
we will sit down at the table
all of us

my fears
all come to life
dear God keep us together

That's terribly sad news. :(
I felt lately that you'd been very worried that this may happen.

Is she in an hospital near to you or is she further away?

:hug: I'm so sorry.

(((Eva ))) I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you and your family. :hug:

No contact as of yet
 

No contact
No contact

As its the law

So so much happening

God help us all to keep it together
Her baby needs her
God save her from herself
Let her see some light
All well wishes heartfelt
This my fear
Addiction
It kills
All
Me

You felt it my dear
You did
No contact at the moment
She has been transferred to
another hospital
No clue yet about anything else
Addiction has a hold of her
It kills
It kills us to the Core
My father taken from us
From depression
An amputee at a young age
He was turned on to hard drugs
after the accident in the hospital in
South Africa where I was born
His life came to an end by his own hands
Shot himself in the heart
In one of the cars
He was only 47
Not myself
To scared
Me

I am at a loss to say anything positive about your daughter and the choices she makes. I can say that she has an amazing mother who is in my thoughts and prayers.

not about me
 

have i not been the mother i have hoped to be

do my action or lack of option reason enough

i had to close the door behind me

have i not been a good role model

even in my darkest times

there is no option

she is a mommy

her pain i understand

though i am taking care of my grandchild

and have temporary custody of her

operative word temporary

this entire family is suffering

WHY

what have we done in our past

that was so terrible

what is it we are all suffering in one way or another

what makes my daughter think she can check out

with a baby that is waiting for her to make a home for them

if i have no option nor does she

we are both mothers

my tough love i'm afraid might have pushed her over the edge

and because she was not successful

i find myself very sad and very very angry

all i can say is

REALLY?

me

I truly understand all those emotions you are going through eva. I had a long journey through them myself until I finally reached acceptance. I didn't like it, didn't want to end there but it is, what it is. Guilt didn't work, didn't change the facts, anger didn't help me understand those "choices"

You are NOT responsible for her bad choices. We human beings would rather blame ourselves for tragic occurences than admit that we are unable to prevent them from happening.

It is that old accept the things we cannot change thing. :hug:

and you know i know it

it is just my make up

taking care of one thing or another

i also do understand the

it is what it is

i am very careful what i ask for

then the mother factor

wanting to protect

yet fully understand

i control no one but myself

and what i say

to be impeccable with our words

living with the fear every time the phone rings

is not living

in fact i become more isolated

as i deal with out of sight out of mind

and even that takes seemingly forever

my mind

my mind

needs a shut off switch

i am never alone

as much as i feel lonely

and i am thankful for my family

never ever ever has it ever been a thought

"i wish i never had children"

thank you Father

me

the conditions
 

90 meetings 90 days sober

she may call anytime

she can see her child when her father
comes to pick her up and do things as a
family

this is my request

until then no contact

made the choice for her

me

:hug:

Been thinking of you.

It's very difficult, but sometimes "tough love" is the only option.

I hope she can heal her mind and her body and get back to doing what she needs to be doing very soon.

im sorry Eva. so sorry. reading all of this reminds me of what I've done to my mother the past 9 years when I was much too old and should have known better.
some humans, it seems, have a self destruct button they cant resist pushing at times. I hate to sound corny but I think it's from lack of love of self. the thing is the deeds affect others.
I hope your daughter gets better and things turn around.

dear mark

always hoping my family here are doing
better then the day before
God be with us it is so painful
YOU hit the nail smack on the head
you got it my dear
you see "it"
you take care of yourself
one day at a time
your friend who understands
you story
thank you for sharing
me

that impending doomed feeling
 

this that is something
completely different
a feeling i never felt in my life time
a shrink i have for more than five years
has me on Zoloft yet to me just another pill
i do not want to feel what i am feeling
it is something that crept up and before you
know it you have a knot in your stomach
and a hole in your heart
i have never felt the yearning for
this horrible horrible appendage i have no control of
my mind robbed by impending doom
what good am i to my family
who wants to feel like dying
i know how i got here
and i talked through it with
my shrink
and like yourselves
tell me you have your family
Eva my grandchild who is my responsibility
you would think
that would wipe that doomed feeling
they have Nothing to do with it
i feel i have and i understand it's just a
feeling where you are hoping
this too shall pass
well
it doesn't
sometimes you just want to shut your brain off
where's the turn off "button"
the rerun of my life
i cringe at so many memories
so few are the remembrances
of Happy times
come this far in life
and there is no choice
it is not an option
i have to believe
if this came out of wherever
it can go away one day i
HOPE
so not today
me

Eva,
Just wondering if the Zoloft could be adding to some of this feeling of doom. All too often, these meds have the opposite effect on some people.
Concerned,

Gerry

dearest Gerry

just seen my shrink
he is seen twice a month
for a good number of years
no he is not a God lol
the last of "that kind of medicine
was Lexpro and because i pay very close attention
to my reactions when putting a new drug in my body
in a dark place last year this time
found myself in a darker place
so i knew immediately it was drug related
before that i was on prozac had no problems
of such kind needed to be changed because it
interfered with my cancer drug tamoxifen
you are a smart woman i as too watch and
know my body like no other
as there are two new concerning things that are happening
physically
your concern valid
you are on the same page
love
me

oh how he needed me i'm told
 

long gone
out of their house
no more abuse
i'm on my own
no cell phones yet
and i did not have
a phone yet
turns out
mind you
hearsay from mother
and sisters

my father had a prank
done to him from his foreman
a addition to pushing him over the edge
possibly
however him and my two uncles
worked together till his
death
my father was being given a lesson
with this prank that he was fired
for a physical fight he had with his forman
sticking up for his brother

well sometimes i would think
its been a huge factor
be it may
his job was what defined him
in a huge way especially as
a immigrant who became a citizen of this country

in the end the employers
that pulled this prank
was not the intent to fire him
but scare him

point

it sucks
to have had the boat
pass on by soooooooo
many times
and now i am not employed
as of April

if all for a reason
a little loving feeling
would be great right
now

i will always feel a void

i am not speaking of the title "Mother"

fighting this mind of depressed thoughts
and believe God has something prepared
down the road
me

(((eva))) Please know you are cared about.

your outreach felt
thank you
just a breakdown
every now and then
more now
just so sad
praying to shake it
forever
waking up with the pain is one thing
not able to sleep thinking thinking
how am i going to make all this work
i must
no option right
i have those who depend on me
no option
just no options
hope this too shall pass
me

a heavy heart
 

for all those who understand
help me understand why i cannot
shake off this way of life
as i complain
and i think who am i to complain
Our Brother Jesus Christ
hung from a Cross
to save us
what adversities we all go through
on a daily basis
i ache so badly
day in and day out
as many of you also
my mind i cannot control anymore
this is not a way to live
not a way to live
my children see me cry everyday
it has certainly affected my family
in many way for certain
oh how i do not want my negativity
to damage them
it is not healthy and they are old enough to understand
then i get from my grandchild
trying to explain to her
i don't want to feel sad
its not fun
she says what feels sad
i tell her my heart feels sad
mimma cant do some of the things
you ask me
she proceeds to speak to my heart
asking what side it is on
i show her
and she begins to speak to it
please heart don't make my mimma sad
she makes me happy
and i want her to be happy
well i don't think i need to say much more
other than making her understand
it doesn't have anything to do with her
but that it stops me from having with her sometimes
having to do things

this is my heavy heart
it has absolutely zero to do with
my children
sure i worry if they cannot take care of themselves
blesses us with a beautiful grandchild
that has been here even while she was in moms belly

i look at her when she isn't looking while flipping
the pages to her books
looking at the pictures
watching her eyes and brain
as she puts the story together by the pictures
i am at awe to see that mind at work
a little person of her own
she is now testing boundaries
it is the three of us
and to give you an idea of what it's like
when i take the phone away from her sixteen year old
auntie
she is thrilled she
was being punished

and it is full circle
again
looking for my attention
of course
my granddaughter that is
the competition my goodness
she wants her mimma to herself
and the pitch of her scream
surprises me it doesn't shatter glass

point
no option
but the okay for the mothers daughter
to cry and it be
i miss mommy
i'll respond
i do to
both her and i with
a heavy heart
for sure
she is gorgeous
let me give her happiness
let her and my family
be happy
let me have happiness for them
they deserve it
they without doubt
love me
i have no option
i have to be a mother
let me be the best i can
bring me strength to achieve
tasks that brings me joy
along with my family
the choice is not today
me

there is a hole in my heart
 

trying to do what I must

i must make it work

maybe not by myself anymore

and take the help from my daughter

she understands so much

she is my eldest

there is a lump in my throat

ready to cry at a drop of a hat

but i will push myself

until i cannot any more

there is a hole in my heart

it's stuck in my throat

me

((((eva))))

it hurts so badly
 

over did it big time

my own fault things pile up

and i am at my end with all of it

intent organize and get the decorations

out it came with a cost

mega monster pain

i am lonely

i think this hurts the most

no one to hold or hold me back

i just cried all day to where my migraine

to the point of getting sick

the strain not welcomed

so all my fault

it hurts so badly

and i'm scared how much more

this brain can take

what is a persons threshold

before the snap

this brain hurts so badly

me

Do you have migraine medications Eva?
Ask your doctor for help. Do you have a therapist that you can turn to? A church that you could go to if that is your liking.
some say that reading the psalms help with their suffering.
You are not alone here.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

eva
 

(((Eva))) Here's a hug and there are are lots more where these are coming from! You are NOT alone. We love you!

dear friends

got the room cool

and have done and taken the suggestions
to know i'm understood
is what i needed
my shrink who i see every other Wednesday
he gives me two of my meds
been together seven years
has been helpful
and i am open with him
says i have had it hard
and to keep hanging on
Eva needs me now
and to dance at her wedding
could you imagine
your warmth oh so felt
it is so needed
so good to be understood
me

Eva,

Whether physical or emotional; all of us here understand how important it is to be understood.:group hug:


Gerry