I give up
 

Medications, lotions, medical supplies are doing nothing. I give up. I am done. I have suffered too long to add this physical pain to my long list of suffering.

don't give up...
 

to quote Mark

Keepin on keepin on. I must focus on one step, one day, one feeling that I matter and make a difference. We are community. together we make a difference.......
Yup

Dancing Lady

Please don't give up. I know it seems impossible right now but your search for answers is not exhausted. Diabetes may be the cause of your painful neuropathy but something else may be causing your extreme despair.

You mentioned in a previous thread that you were taking Cymbalta. Can you remember back to what you were like before starting cymbalta? This medication can have severe side effects including increasing anxiety and depression. Please consider this and also any other medication you may be taking.

We're here for support and want you to stay here with us. Take care - let us know you're okay.

we say and men what we say when...
 

the pain is that great
dear friend
i myself am not in a good place either
having no control over our own body
is more then i could swallow
my life changed forever

yet...

in all the despair
and sadness
the void of my family
i must have a reason
for as badly as all is
i must make it to the end
of whatever day it may have been

only to be awakened
and go through the same feeling
of doom every single morning
this is the hardest
pushing through the day
with that feeling
yet i do
i ask God to help
let my daughter know how i feel
my grandchild sees me cry more
than i would like

and so will you
you will
with much understanding
love
me

dancing lady
 

Please don't give up there are to meany people that truly care for and about you :grouphug:

we say and mean what we say when...
 

the pain is that great
dear friend
i myself am not in a good place either
having no control over our own body
is more then i could swallow
my life changed forever

yet...

in all the despair
and sadness
the void of my family
i must have a reason
for as badly as all is
i must make it to the end
of whatever day it may have been

only to be awakened
and go through the same feeling
of doom every single morning
this is the hardest
pushing through the day
with that feeling
yet i do
i ask God to help
let my daughter know how i feel
my grandchild sees me cry more
than i would like

and so will you
you will
with much understanding
love
me

Dancinglady,

I have been in chronic, severe, debilitating pain for 25 years, ramped up for much longer. The Anxiety and Depression started over 3 decades ago. I have lived through 2 rare Cancers, the last in '13. Now, my body, mind and Soul are at their all-time worst.

Yet, I have the pleasure of my Grandchildren, even though I cannot bear for them to touch me. I watch and hear of their growth and development, I participate as I can as a Grandfather in my state.

I know the rest of my family are better off for my limited presence in their lives. I have found extended family here at NT where I try to make a positive contribution.

We all have reserves of strength that we can draw on when times seem at their darkest. Please, dig deep and find your inner resolve.

The alternative is final and irreversable.

Dave.

Well no one but you knows what it's like for you now, what you value and what you do not that makes life worthwhile or not. I just want to say I hear you and I support you in any decisions you make for yourself as a free person. I wish for you what I wish for myself, peace and a mostly pain free existence.

I know for me it's very hard to face all this and that I may have to advocate for myself soon but then I think the end is always going to be the same and for everyone. I will die one day no matter what I do now. So it all comes down to nothing more than a matter of timing for me.

Sending love & positive thoughts to everyone in the room...

Oh how I know that one decision can be made.....
It may be accompanied by terrible belief of hopelessness,
Throw in a real healthy dose of helplessness......
This....this is where I was in 2010
The details nearly drove a very final decision.......
The decision is nothing but personal
That part is always true
Thing is.......others showed me their care beyond my own perception.....
It wasn't that I was living for them
They
We're living for me
Beyond my pain
Beyond the thrum of the spinal cord stimulator which helps manage ......but not eliminating my pain
They
Helped me receive prescribed meds which Did bring anxiety and depression under control with therapeutic help
Then I learned to help others
Save homes from foreclosure
Inspire thoughts some Could find employment again
Lately
For other reasons those old feelings resurfaced
Unbidden
Unwanted
Soul wrenching
Then I knew there was help in the prescribed meds which saved me before
Thus saved
I am here
Bringing hope which I pray will catch ahold of you
Can you help me hope?
I hold hope for you :hug:

be sure and read the comments in the coloring pages link. :grouphug:

Does anybody know how dancinglady is?

There was a post from her on another thread on 09/20/2015. That was the last I can find. She may be active on the PsychCentral forum. Have you tried to PM her?

Hello
 

I have been constantly working on moving to a state that had legal assisted suicide. Once there I can pursue my death and not fail this time. I have not been here because I am too busy with all of the moving plans to Oregon, state of Washington or Montana.

dancinglady,
 

Unfortunately, PN is such a "downer". Very difficult for those not afflicted to understand what this does emotionally as well as physically. Can't say those thoughts have not come to mind every now and then; but the plus outweighs the minuses'. I have been dealing with this for quite some time; but am still able to get around very well. Still do laundry, cook, et. Also go out to dinner weekly. There are still so many good times ahead.

Take care dear lady.


Gerry

Dancinglady,

Two doctors must confirm a diagnosis of terminal illness with no more than six months to live in both Oregon and Washington State to even start the process of Physician Assisted Death. I doubt that there would be Doctors in Montana who would assist on the grounds of PN as they are still open to prosecution.

I would urge you to explore the avenues of Counselling and Pain Management. This would be a better use of your time than trying to move.

There are treatments coming online all the time, there are multiple combinations of meds which make life somewhat bearable. Family and friends here (I have lost them all in the Real World) give even my life meaning and my Chronic Pain journey began 25 years ago.

Dave.

Dearest Dave
 

dancinglady
 

I wish you the best!

I hear ya. :o

Dear Dancing Lady,

I am torn between wanting to offer you empathy or be blunt. I don't know enough about you to know what your life is like. I have NO psychological training so I can't "talk you off the ledge" and say all the "right" things.

Icelander wrote about "freedom" to choose and I respect that. I posted a response to you on another thread already on 9/5/2015 explaining my personal views and experiences.

I may one day feel as you do, that there is NO other relief than end of life. As already stated, we are ALL going to die one day and it is a matter of when and you state that you want to make that choice. That is your prerogative. I do respect that but there are always two sides to a coin.

It has been said that suicide is a selfish act. People have no regard for those around them that will be devastated by the loss.

Many times we think that decisions we make about our own lives is no one else's business. After all, it is OUR life, right? Well, that is one way to look at it. But that is not the entire story. Our actions have many ripple effects and affect others. We do not live in isolation with no effect upon others. We touch people's lives whether we mean to do so or not. You have touched people HERE. We may not know you but we actually DO care about you.

Do you have any family? What about them?

What are your health problems? Did I read that you have diabetic neuropathy? If that is the case, I have news for you. It CAN get better. Do I remember correctly that you worked in the health care industry at some time? Is the suffering you may have seen having any influence over how you are feeling?

While I respect that it is your life and your decision, I can't help but plead that you seek help to STAY ALIVE and improve your pain level, rather than seek help to escape what may be a temporary situation.

As I said, I do not know you or why you want to contemplate assisted suicide, but I urge you to seek help in the opposite direction and exhaust ALL avenues before you make any decisions. STOP looking for someone to help you DIE and START seeking help to LIVE a better and less painful life.

I hope you will read this post and think about choosing LIFE. Do you know for absolute SURE that an earthly death will end your pain and suffering? I don't think anyone knows that for sure. You are basing your death wish upon an unknown.

Personally, I will wait until I have no choice in the matter to find out what if anything follows life as we know it. I could change my mind in the future but once you decide to end it, you can't change your mind.

Please let us hear from you. We are here to help. Think about others. STOP dwelling on the negatives. I am sure there is something positive in your life.

Why do you think so many of us respond to your posts? We care about you.

Dancing Lady,

I forgot to ask. Why the name dancing lady? Do you like dance? Were you a dancer? Do you watch "Dancing with the Stars" on TV?

Maybe you could start there. Watch something you enjoy to take your mind off your pain.

Remember, life is precious. My neighbor just lost her life this morning and wanted nothing more than to be here longer. She was given no choice. Her time had come. Everyone is devastated. Please do not cause that pain for your loved ones.

If you wish to share more about yourself, maybe we will understand better, and can be more supportive and helpful in getting you to a better place in LIFE. Life is a gift. Please do not waste it.

These are long posts when I get to a computer I will respond.

Looking forward to hearing from you when you have the time and facility.

Thanks for your post.

I will answer each question individually. I was a dancer, yes I did like to dance. I no longer can dance. No I do not watch Dancing with the stars it is too depressing. Life is not precious. Sorry about your neighbor but if they wanted to die, they received their wish. I do not have loved ones that would not be joyful if I were dead. There would be no more helping me and they would be happy. Life in my case was and has not been a gift. I have had a horrible tragedy after tragedy life. I was just turned down for a promotion again. I have never ever gone above a "worker bee" type of job eventhough I have three college degrees. That should answer this post.

Dancinglady,

With the information in my Post, above and my PM, regarding the fact that the option of Physician Assistance is closed to you, does that not show you that your other options to continue fighting are valid.

Dave.

Why is it closed to me. I have more problems that PN.

dancing lady
 

I know I may not have the problems that you have but I do understand how your friends and family will feel if you do what you plan to do you think they would be glad and happy if you were gone but you could not be more wrong it will only make things harder then they are now they will wonder the rest of their lives what more they could have said or done to make you feel better you have a lot of people that care about you :grouphug:

I wish you knew more about my family. You would not be applying so much guilt onto me if you knew. I am not at liberty to explain everything cuz this is the World Wide Web.

dancing lady
 

True I do not know your family believe me mine is no prize either and they are the reason for most off my problems but you can not tell me that there is no one that cares about you there are people right here that seem to care a great deal :grouphug:

Feeling inadequate
 

Hi Dancing Lady,

I in no way meant to offend you. You sound a bit "defensive" and I did not mean to create that position. As I mentioned, I am NOT qualified to be of assistance in any professional manner. I do think YOU have a right to your decisions, whether I agree with them or not. We obviously have different views about the value of YOUR life. I also respect your privacy and your reluctance to share information on this forum.

I am not about to go head to head and try to match you tragedy for tragedy but your statement

Quote:

I was just turned down for a promotion again. I have never ever gone above a "worker bee" type of job even though I have three college degrees. That should answer this post

. leads me to believe that you are NOT in the proper frame of mind to make a decision concerning your existence.

I really wish you would seek professional assistance to see if there is a way for you to turn your life into something positive and worthwhile.

Again, I do not mean to offend you. I do not plan to post any further comments as I see that I am unable to reach you in any way. It is your life and I will only hope that you will continue to post on this forum. I think your life is valuable even if you do not. I will look forward to reading future posts from you but I will try to keep my opinions to myself.

Since you mentioned my "name". When I first joined NT, I was feeling very "Hopeless". It was with the help of members here, I found that I was not alone in my pain. I also found a GREAT pain mgt. doctor and now the members that know me best know that I have dropped the "less". They call me Hope.

Wishing you the very best and I personally hope you will stick around.

I re read my answers. Whenever I am in a hurry to answer I forget the edit button. I will try to keep my defensiveness a little bit better checked. Can I use your name and you could sign on as "hope". I have been in psychological therapy for 34 years and have seen no benefit above what I could do myself. I don't think it is the way to go now. Also, I have a college degree in psych/sociology but that did not help either.

I sit here..........
 

I am so sorry for your loss Debi. :(

Dancinglady,

As stated, in Oregon and Washington State 2 independent Doctors must diagnose a Terminal Illness with a prognosis of less than 6 months to live. If this is the case with you, I apologise and I feel for you.

In Montana, all cases are scrutinised and Doctors are still open to prosecution. As you are still able to be a functioning member of Society - Working - I doubt any Doctors could be found who would risk their Licenses and Freedom.

Touching on that, you are still able to work, you have colleagues you interact with, possibly others, so you impact on people's lives in a fundamental way. That is a Blessing you should count every day. You can make a positive difference to your own, and other people's lives.

Dave.

Guilt
 

Isn't this suppose to be the place we can talk about our suicidal thoughts and feelings. Why all the guilt getting thrown into me.

Debi I am sorry you lost your husband. I never got 35 years with mine. I am sorry that for the last 3 months he wanted to be here. I worked in an ER so I have known many people in your husbands and your case.

We are both in the grieving stage just for different reasons. First I was an only child so all of my relatives are dead!!! My job is a quality control and enforcement. I impact people they don't want to see us coming. I am working with twenty years olds that would very much like all the older workers to get out of there. The faster we leave the better they would like it.

Dancinglady,

I worked in Quality Management for a top Electronic Shielding Company and yes, it is not a popular job. But I went home every day knowing that, because of me, my clients, top Aerospace and Electronic Groups, were getting the best and my Company was expanding on the back of increased orders. I got flak from everyone from Sales to Supplies as I was seen to be working against the Company's individual employees when I picked up on mistakes and threw the book at people. Yet, due to Accreditation and Regulations, everyone knew, at the end of the day, that I was doing good.

No-one is trying to lay guilt on you. When one talks openly on a Forum about suicidal thoughts those of us who care, and who have been there, or have experienced the pain of loss, naturally will Post the opposite view. In 2012 my pain and Depression (I have Depressive Personality Disorder) were so bad I actually reached out to my Dr for help as I feared for my own safety. I have enough meds in my posession to take down an elephant. This is not like me, I am an Introvert, I share nothing (until I came here), but I went into Counselling.

This got me through the worst until my Therapist abandoned me due to not being able to cope with my Cancer dx. However, that same time I got the word that my Granddaughter was going to be born which gave me a whole new reason to continue.

Had I been a Member then, I know I would have received better support here than in Therapy. I did not want to end my life, I saw few options or reasons to continue. Yet I talked, difficult as it was, I found self-worth. I strongly believe this is what you need to do.

Dave.

You can share your feelings here, but it doesn't mean members agree or support suicide.
Most post here for support to avoid suicide and suicidal feelings, and to work though the rough times..