Trigger: my work friend
 

Trigger my work friend is in ICU from a possible overdose.
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My work friend's partner called me tonight to tell me that my workfriend George is in a coma in the ICU from a possible overdose. The partner found G in a coma Wednesday morning when he tried to wake him up for work.

I tried to be comforting to the partner/boyfriend and not ask a lot of questions. But I don't understand how their can be any question about whehter the od was on purpose or not. Duh. He spoke about the S word all the time and his med bottles are empty. Are doctors morons?

And I feel bad because the last time I saw him, he said the S word and I refused to listen to him. I did tell him that I would call my therapist for the name of the pdoc she works with. I didn't get around to it.
But the partner told me tonight that G. would not have driven more than 5 minutes away anyway and the people I have names for are 45+ minutes away.

The two have been heading for a breakup. Now the partner is staying at the hospital round the clock, even sleeping there.

G is at one of the best hospitals around. . . . Except I learned something disconcerting. The stupid loser pdoc who (mis) treats my work friend is also on the board of directors at the hospital. :confused: I am sooooooo not impressed. The partner says the pdoc's picture is on several walls on the first floor when you walk into the hospital.

A big mess.
I wish I had not encouraged him to go back to work. He seemed to want me to help him decide. He wasn't ready.

I had ignored voice mail for two days. I feel bad about that. Tonight when I picked up the phone, the partner said he had been trying to call.

I told him that I would say a prayer for him and for G.
Also I have to announce to work that G is in hospital and will be missing days for a while.

M

when people are determined, I don't think there is anything anybody can do...
he tried dragging you into his web and I hope you don't feel any guilt. From what you have written, he hasn't tried to help himself and nobody can help him if he doesn't help himself.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You already have enough to contend with.
Bobby

Thank you, Bobby.

I'm starting to get anxiety in my chest. I have no way to know if this is from the change in my Verapamil dose or if it is from the news I got this evening.

Maybe I'll just go to bed early for a change.

Mari

the news you got is so very heavy and you have sich a giving and responsible nature. You were trained to be a caretaker and it is so difficult to break the role or the feelings of responsibility for the other. I think the transition is feeling sadness for the other than the need to step in and help and if you don't step in, you feel guilt and failure. It is a huge leap to just feel sadness and to be sure to take care of yourself and not feel selfish.
I almost offered to help Ron again (who is in a wheelchair) I caught myself and said that when I last offered I suffered a major depression that still hasn't left and I went sleep deprived and had to switch and up medications some of which caused me to gain more weight.
I very much liked the article you put on the sinead thread...I hope she had a lot of viewers.
You have to tell yourself what a wonderful person you are and what a hero you are coping with being bipolar and coming from such a dysfunctional family and being robbed of a childhood.
Bobby

Please don't blame yourself for not listening or picking up his calls.

There is nothing you really could of done, if he was determined it would of happened sooner or later.

I hope he pulls through and can get a good p-doc and therapist, and his meds monitered.

I assume he will be transferred (maybe) to a rehab place after the hospital, which would be helpful.

Hang in there. Lots of Hugs, Nikko:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Dear Mari,
I am sorry that your friend is suffering so...
and agree with the others that this is not your burdon to bear.
I also know that you are a very caring and nurturing woman who takes on too much....
Please resist this responsibility, I can't tell you how to feel only the fact that it is not your fault.
Perhaps this suicide was an attempt to save his relationship....very sad.
I know that you are hurting....
((((HUGS))))
bizi
and yes the change in meds can have profound effects.

Oh Mari, I am so sorry that this happened, but like it has been said determined people will not let anything get in the way of their intentional actions to S. Please don't be hard on yourself over this, you aren't at fault in any way, that is the big thing with S it makes people around the person question what they could have done differently and I don't think that's fair to anyone. You have to watch out for yourself, you could not have done anything to help this fellow, he is the one with the problems that he can't handle. Don't take on the emotional guilt trip that S can push on people, okay? I'm sorry you're in pain right now, I know how the anxiety feels, see if you can take something for it. That's all I can do to control mine, is Lorazepam. :(

I feel badly for your co-worker. It must be so hard on you, Mari. It's hard to remember we are not responsible for other people, no matter what they do.

*It's hard for me.*

I know you are hurting and I wish I could help you feel at peace.

In December 2005 my girlfriend spent 8 days in a diabetic coma. She got there via extraordinarily self-destructive behavior.
She's ok now working and doing whatever. She has no idea of what she put her family and friends through.

I don't like that I know a lot about comas and ICU floors. I don't like that I know that comas, for ex, are nothing like people see on TV and that people can be in pain even though they are in a coma. I don't like knowing about how many drs of different specialities get called in to see what bodily systems are still working and which are shutting down and/or coming back up.

I need to change my karma or change my friends. I think that karma is hard to change.

Today was a weird day at work. I felt all alone.
Even though I ordinarily would not see my work friend because we work different hours and different days, I felt strange being in the office knowing he is in hospital.

Mari

This sounds very hard on you
Hang on to your hubby ...life is very precious(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
bizi:hug:

I know it sounds cruel but maybe your karma is to change your friends and find friends who are trying to help themselves rather than looking for others to do their own work. I think it is part of learning to nurture and love ourselves. Being bipolar makes it so much worse because I think we feel the other's pain or at least it feels that way and it is so awful to feel helpless.
It is almost more comfortable to put ourselves in harm's way...do you agree?
If you believe in karma, then it might be easier for you to change because you can say that your friend is living through his karma and he needs to go through this to evolve...and you shouldn't hold him back.
Bobby

Dear Bizi,
Thanks. I will keep my hubby close. He keeps my thinking clear.

Dear Bobby,
You are right. I can let them live through their own karma and be helping them while I am doing it.

I started nurturing when I my first brother was born. I was 17 months old.
My mother was mostly out to lunch.

Mari

boy did I freak when I read and reread 17 months....what a nurturing nature you were born with. If you weren't born with that nature, you would never have done it.
I hope I have the patience to write this
In the Old Testament and the story about Abraham and Issac and how Abraham who didn't believe in human sacrifice was told to slay his only son who he waited a life time to get. Some interpret the story as a test from God for Abraham to go against his nature and show his utter faith in God..to do something that so went against his nature. He was going to. He passed the test and showed true faith in God.....I always think of that interpretation of the story when I am faced with something that goes against my nature.
It sounds as if you have a handle on the "sacrifice" you have to make in order to really help your friend and yourself. At least it sounds that way.
Bobby

Yes, Bobby,
I am a nurturer by nature. I have spent years learning how to nurture myself. That is the part that goes against nature for most nurturers I think.

Tomorrow I am going to the hospital to go see him with another work friend. She is one of those people that goes to visit the sick and honor the dead. I think she is my hospital/funeral buddy at the moment.
(And well this might sound crass, but people at work really do need to know what is going on. They need an update -- both for personal and work related reasons. . . . .we know from today that the hospital on the phone says that he is in ICU and his condition is unchanged.)

Anyway, after that, in the evening, I am going to a Buddhist meeting I think -- I usually end up changing my mind. Sometimes even the buddhists seem too intense for me. I need to rest from stimuli. Still, it might be a good place for me to end up at the end of the day tomorrow.
And they will be supportive in the right ways.

Mari

Mari - I have always been interested in Budda's. I have a few in my house.

What are the meetings like?

I hope your co-worker is doing better.:)


Nikko:hug:

Of course you wouldn't tell people at work that he is there because of an overdose, would you? <worried> I don't think that legally you are allowed to divulge that information.
I'm sorry there is so much trauma for your friend. It sounds like you were there for him like a rock. It hurts to be so sensitive and in tune to other people's pain - they are drawn to you for nurturing, but that means that you are exposed to and absorb much suffering. Remember to find someone to hug you a LOT! and to let go of what you cannot change...
gentle hugs

Hi,
If his boyfriend called me, I'm not responsible for keeping the info secret. I have no legal obligation either way but I do feel a need to protect him.

My work girl friend and I got to see him from a second from the corridor. Then his grand neice went out in the waiting room to talk to us. He's out of the coma but still not able to do all his breathing on his own. He has tried to communicate but they can't understand him and they can't read his handwriting.

Apparently, the docs are not saying for sure that he did this on purpose. According to them, it could have been accidental because of the pain pills he was taking for his back.

Anyway, we are going to tell work that he is getting better and that is it.

They won't believe us anyway. He's looked very sick for a long time because of his weight loss and general depressed/anxious demeanor -- even before he went out on disabilty.

People at work have been imagining all kinds of wild weird things wrong with him. They are stupid (and maybe afraid a little).

We lost two colleague this month.
They think that students couldn't handle losing another teacher. I think that students are strong.

mari

Hi,
At the meetings they chant and then usually have a topic to talk about. Each person shares how that topic relates to what is going on in their life and in their practice.
I'm not really a member of the group. They sort of keep inviting me and every once in a while I go. Tonight I wasn't up to it. The trip to the hospital was enough. I needed to come home and nap and try to relax.

Mari

thanks for the update. Pain pills can do AWFUL things to people when they are mixed with other meds, or when doses are accidentally forgotten, or mis-measured. I've been to the hospital with a friend of mine on lots of different meds because of dosing accidents, and it's quite a nightmare. I'm glad your friend is out of the coma.
How are you keeping stable through this? I went quite bonkers when my friend went to the emergency room. I held it together in the hospital,but after I got back to my house, I shivered for days... :(

Hi, Molly,
Thanks for asking. I don't feel good but I am also trying to put in some distance.
I've been visiting the ICU alot more than I wish in the past couple years. I'm learning that what is going on with the other person is not about me.
But it is still hard. This evening I was noticing the anxiety growing in my chest. It feels ok now.

But it turns out I wasted the day in terms of getting any work done for school tomorrow.
Maybe I should at least make sure that I get to bed early tonight.

Mari

I know that was hard for you and
I am hoping that you were able to sleep last night.
Please take care of yourself....
don't want you getting run down and end up getting sick....
bizi

Hi,
I took off a day of work to stay home today.
I was getting irritated and grouchy around hubby. Plus I need some rest.
Mari

I hope you get some good rest Mari. :) Sleep is so very important for feeling well. :)

oh that was a great idea!
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

I hope you are feeling better....it is so great that YOU TOOK CARE OF YOURSELF....I bet you have a hard time doing that...
Bobby

He is out of ICU and on a telemetry (sp) floor. He needs constant attention and is in pain and discomfort. He was agitated. But he can mouth words and communicate a bit. He and I talked a little and I felt better.

I felt a lot better today after I got to see him and have him see me.
His neice is worried about what will happen when he gets out of the hospital. For now, he is progressing toward better health and seems to be in good hands.

I took a cd player with 3 cds he used to play in the office. He went to sleep as soon as his neice and I put in the first one.


Mari

He is out of ICU and on a telemetry (sp) floor. He needs constant attention and is in pain and discomfort. He was agitated. But he can mouth words and communicate a bit. He and I said a few words back and forth and I cried in front of him and I felt better. He squeezed my hand.

I felt a lot better today after I got to see him and have him see me.
His neice is worried about what will happen when he gets out of the hospital. For now, he is progressing toward better health and seems to be in good hands.

I took a cd player with 3 cds he used to play in the office. He went to sleep as soon as his neice and I put in the first one.


Mari

that is such great news....I wonder if his attitude has changed after this event. I hope they don't let him go back to the outside world for a while and instead force him to have some therapy. Is his job stressful?
that was thoughtful about the cd and player.
How are you going to set boundaries on yourself?
I still have trouble. Yesterday I tried to find some information for Ron who is wheelchair bound about financial assistance. Wouldn't you know I called him and he said he would call me back and he didn't. None of his other friends seem to try to help him. Maybe my ego is fragile but I get angry when I go out of my way to try to help him and he responds like that. What makes us human and how far should we go?
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
He was in therapy -- both tdoc and pdoc. That's the point. I know that some people with depression cannot be treated. But he had been mostly successfully treated his whole adult life -- until about 4 years ago when he started going down hill fast. Then his docs got stupid? Or he got worse?

His job is relatively easy. And people at work went out of their way to make it very easy when he came back 2 months ago. He had very few responsibilites. But it seemed like even that was too much for him in his fragile condition.

His neice and I briefly speculated on how his mind set could be different (better or worse) once he recovers. She was half-wondering if he would even want to recover. I was trying to be hopeful a few days ago.


Well, I heard today that he is back in ICU/CCU with an infection. I don't know whether to be angry with him or depressed about him.

If his ER docs said that the OD was "accidental," I don't see why they would send him to the psch ward after he gets better. They might just patch him up and send him home.

I'm so annoyed.

I've even dragged up anger (intense anger) at my mother again. My anger about her comes up whenever I am upset about anything. It is close by and I don't know what else to do about that except to do something like change my life for real and go on a six month yoga retreat.
Trust me, I have been to therapy for what seems like forever to deal with my emotions about her -- much of it I paid for out of pocket. I read self-help books, I prayed, meditated, went through hypnosis, treatments with my chinese doc/accupunturist . . . .

I'm all twisted up.

I don't know if I can handle visiting him again, but I might.

ALSO,
I have friend in an Assisted Living Facilty with absolutely no family who is not coping well. We talk for 5 mins on the phone twice a week. She would like me to visit, but I can't be any good to her. And after I visit, I come home freaked out and mean to hubby and need days of hiding out to recover. I could do that in the summer. But now that I am working, I cannot afford to loose a few days a week for a two hour visit with her. . . .

Two people I know are not doing well and I somehow manage to turn this into something about me.

Man, I need work. I wish I could get into see the tdoc. But we have scheduling problems. She only keeps office hours a few days a week. I would have to schedule a day off from work and I already did that last week.

I'm rambling here and talking to myself. It is helping a little.
Of course, I might decide to delete the whole thing tomorrow. I hope that that is all right.

Take care, everyone. Learn to be good to yourselves.
M.

_______________

If you touch one thing with deep awareness, you touch everything. (Thich Nhat Hanh)

when I feel intense anger towards my sister or mother, when I pray for them the anger dissipates(sp) I wonder who you damaged you more, your mother or your father by the way.
I get the gut feeling that the man from work has never really tried to help himself. I could be wrong. I keep on thinking of No Exit....Maybe you would feel less frustrated if you focus in on that the ball has been in his court not your court and it is okay to feel sad about him but you can't help him. Does he feed on his "helplessness"? He sounds just as dangerous to others as he is to himself.
I hope you take the day off and see your therapist. It sounds like a good time.
You have made huge progress in recognizing your limitations....beware, you might start having feelings of emptiness since giving seems to have been your vocation in life lol.
Bobby

Dear Mari

There are times in life when we have to be selfish to preserve are own well being. I think that you are at this stage, 'yoga retreat' sounds a good idea.
by constantly trying to help others you emotionaly drain out. Thoughts of our past creep back, as the brains way of saying deal with your own issues first. Abit like a burgler alarm.

Please take care of you:hug:

YOu are taking on this responsibility....because you care about people.
Yes you are a nurturing woman and have been all of your life.
this is not a bad thing rather a very good thing...and you are learning to nurture yourself.
It sounds like an internal battle.
Do what ever feels right and what ever you need to do to feel well.
you are a wonderful woman...you do know this?
bizi

Ditto.....................................

THANKS EVERYBODY. :)

I was going to go to the hospital again tomorrow/Thursday but after writing my post about being tired, I reread your responses here.

I decided to skip the hospital this week.


I'm going to email my other friend from work to tell her that I changed my mind and that she can get her own ride to the hospital. And someone else can deliver the get well cards.
AND howabout this. Someone can freaking mail the cards to the hospital!!

Thanks for reminding me what I need to do and then reminding me again. :Heart:

Martha

what wonderfully incredible news....how much strength it must have taken you. you deserve an award
Bobby

This is fantastic that you have made this decision.
Fantastic!!!!
Good for you.
(((HUGS)))
bizi:I-Agree:

can't deal with this
 

OK.
This is still a prob for me.
I think my anger is increasing and I think I feel guilty about being angry. :(
What the heck is wrong with me that I am angry about someone being in the hospital??

If it were almost anyone else in that hospital I would be visiting. Something about him and something about the situation is a prob for me. Yeah, I am entitled to feel however I want to feel. I just wish that I could make those feelings less intense and have less power to apparently interfere with the rest of my day.

Yet, I worry for him and want him to be well and happy.


I wonder if this is important enough to cancel another day of work/teaching and see the counselor. ? ?

A friend saw G. on Friday and reported to me about his condition. He is in lots of pain. He is not eating much, not talking much, but can make himself understood. I'd really prefer not to know. I had called the hospital over the weekend to find what floor/ward he is in. That was as much as I could deal with. Maybe I'll send a basket of fruit/ballons/flowers. His roommate/partner can always take it home with him if there is no room in the hospital room.

(Oh yeah, and here is the fun part: My friend had to wear a gown while she was on the floor. The hospital said it is for her protection. Too much freaking excitement for me! They didn't make me wear a gown on that floor when I visited a little more than a week ago.)

Part of me needs to know more about how he got into this situation.
And part of me knows that it doesn't make any difference.
I'm mad no matter what and I am not sure what I am mad about.

I want to pack up his stuff in the office so that I don't have to see it.
Or maybe I should move to the temporarily empty office that was offered to me. . . . except that that office is hot (a/c is crap) and I am sensitive to temp.

Lost right now.
Mari

I am sorry that you are feeling lost right now.
I thought you had moved into the other office and that you were not his office mate anymore...
He must have an infection and that is why visitors have to wer gowns now....I hate going to hospitals to worry about germs and me getting sick from them.
It is important that you listen to yourself ......
Do what ever you feel you need to do ...you will get thru this...
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I might sound crazy but I think this is a golden opportunity to you. It doesn't matter whether he took an overdose or it happened by accident. His condition has probably put you over the top in your nurturing and caretaking roll. Of course you are worried about him and feel very sad. I think you are getting more in touch with your feelings that you can no longer take the caretaker role. It might be a new beginning for you. Sadness is appropriate.
Guilt isn't. Anger right now is probably appropriate because you are fighting your nature. He is not your problem. Your ability to hold down a job makes you a hero. Your marriage sounds demanding although from what you have written in the past, your husband sounds like a wonderful person. I wasn't aware that he had problems too so that means extra emotional stress on you.
Maybe this incident will help you to start to weigh things and only do what you are capable of doing and begin to give up the caretaker role which is so much apart of you. It will be a big battle but it is amazing but the guilt diminishes.
Bobby

Bizi,

I would get a great deal of satisfaction boxing up G's stuff. He cares so much about his stupid stuff. And he has the office decorated/stuffed with crap. http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/office/trash.gif

Wow. Now I feel bad saying something like that.

Mari