|
Horrible Tdoc Session
I had a really bad session today and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so sad and hurt and angry and stirred up. I feel both defensive and feel like I've been shunned.
It is so scary to be mad at her because she's all I have. She just didn't seem to think what I was saying was important. She thought another part of the story was interesting and wanted us to talk about that. I thought she would be happy about the part I felt proud of. But she said I've always been good at coping and what was interesting was why this particular issue was so upsetting to me in the first place. Not on how I handled it. Not on the actual decision. And she said I was focusing on the actual decision so as to avoid the feelings about this other part. I didn't get a chance to explain. I got all upset. Especially because I had begun by saying there was so much going on that I didn't know where to start. And this thing that I ended up feeling so bad about wasn't even how I wanted to spend my time. I felt like she wanted to focus on the stuff I'm bad at (and know I'm bad at) when I somehow was expecting praise for an ultimately good decision. She said it was my choice. But it felt like she was pushing me to go into that, so it wasn't really a choice. I felt like I had to do what she wanted. She also said I had to choose whether to engage and participate in therapy or retreat and disengage because I got really quiet and stared at the floor and tried not to cry. I felt like she was frustrated and mad. I was trying to control the panic and sadness by scratching my arm to keep from crying. Usually she is good and I feel comfortable with her, but today I didn't. Today I felt like a failure and horrible inside. It felt like she was pushing and pushing and all I could hear was my bad side not good side. But I feel so hysterical that I can't tell what I'm seeing and what I was projecting. I want to be calm and rational. I want to lay out her failures as I see them. I want her to agree with me. I want her to say she was wrong. She won't do this just because I want her to. But I don't know how to do that without being at one extreme cold and irrational or hysterical at the other end. She didn't want to listen to me lay out all my logic because she says my logic is not the problem and I've always been good at coping. But I don't feel good at coping. The decision was hard. I didn't get to the point of explaining why because she wasn't interested. I'm so confused and so sad. I'm trying so hard to get things out and I feel like I have to talk about what she wants me to talk about. I got in my car and just screamed at the top of my lungs that it's my sanity we're talking about so let me talk. |
Just wanted to give you a quick hug....if you are on right now.
((((HUGS)))) bizi |
WEll I certainly understand why you are upset....you have every right to be.
I think it would be best if you could somehow organize your thoughts on paper, perhaps a letter to her, you could even send it to her. So she has time to think about the session before you see her again. She sounds like she wasn't listening to you and yes you pay her...it is your therapy and you get to go in the direction that you want. She is supposed to help you not push you in the direction that she wants you to go. I am sorry that she made you so upset. Keep talking venting posting letting your emotions come thru...we care. (((((HUGS)))) bizi |
AWWW, ((((((BJ)))))),
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...uggiebears.gif I know how hard that is -- to want to talk about something and other 'stuff' seems to get in the way. The best doctor for me was the one that I was with for about 5 years. While I was seeing him, I wrote in my journal. He had told me to "hold the bad stuff until we could talk". The only way that I could do that without losing my mind was to write it down so I didn't have to remember it. I wrote everything down -- good stuff, bad stuff. Just before each appointment, I would sit down someplace quiet and read what I had written the previous week -- that helped to focus my thoughts and helped me talk in therapy about what was currently going on. He also agreed to read several of the books in exchange for therapy hours -- so he had a good idea of where my head was at. I had to TRUST him implicitly in order to give him my books to read. BJ, what I discovered through all my years of therapy -- some good doctors, some bad doctors and my five-year doctor (the best) was that I usually got extremely upset when I was getting "near" something that really bothered me. It can be a trick (AKA, a "safety mechanism") that your mind tries to play in order to keep you safe -->> sidetracking the conversation. I know how upset you feel (I've been there), but, you might want to try to take a couple of steps closer to the scarier stuff when you're with her. She's there to help you and it'll be easier and safer for you to take those steps toward the scarier stuff when you're with her. If you want more control over the conversation -- I agree with Bizi that YOU should be the one controlling the conversation, you might want to say to tdoc, "OK, I agree to talk for 10 minutes about X and that's as much time as I want to spend on X today." BIG HUGS. Barb http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...S/amixcora.gif |
Hi,
Keep in mind that it is her and not you. Keep doing the things that work for you and try not to let her throw you off. Around the time I was wrapping things up with my old tdoc, I told him that when I said something, that is indeed what I needed to talk about and not whatever he thought he was "hearing" in my statement. He agreed that he had kind of been trained that way but had learned to be more patient oriented over the years. That's why we got a long. He was smart enough and agile enough and willing enough to make adjustments for me. I was aware that I was sort of "training" him (he was young) but I thought that he might be worth it and he was. We were together for 8 years and accomplished quite a bit. Is your tdoc willing to be lead by you? Do you think that in another session you can have a talk with her about your needs? Quote:
Also, focusing on bad -- what's the point? Focusing on something good can eventually help with the bad in the future anyway. My current tdoc is wonderful about getting me to look at what I have done right. Sometimes she throws me off guard. I left many tdocs after one visit. . . so many that I lost count. But there are tons of stinky ones in my town. Tons. I also remember reading that it is harder to find a good therapist than a good friend. So true. I have had extremely hard time finding friends. Good therapists are rarer. Good luck. I think that you will be eventually able to navigate this. In the meantime, it sounds like you are going through difficulty. I hope that you feel better about this in a few days. When I needed to forget something I used to go to a movie in a great theater with good speakers and all and watching something exhillarating and intense. Do what works for you -- be around nature, take few walks, . . M. |
Thank you for hearing me. I'm beginning to feel upset/anxious/scared/yucky/sad about going back on Monday. I suspect one of the things I'm supposed to learn in therapy is that I can have strong feelings and maybe disagree and that won't destroy me, won't destroy her, and won't destroy the relationship we've built.
But then again, what if I'm wrong? It is a lot to risk if I'm wrong. I'm afraid of making her mad. I'm afraid of annoying her. People get mad and then they take off and I can't take many more people turning their backs on me. People come, people go or leave this earth or take their own life. I’d give anything in the world right now to pick up the phone and talk to my mom or my brother but I can’t because they’re gone. I'm afraid she'll think I'm stupid for being upset and leave me too. But then she tells me I bottle up my strong feelings, pretending everything is ok, hoping the feelings will go away without talking about them and I'm damaging the relationship by not talking. I'm afraid she won't admit to being wrong. It is too hard to always be the wrong one. This is what I was proud of. I wrote this out on my computer at lunch time. I never sent it but I just typed in frenzy pouring at my feelings like she told me to do. Dear Boss, How do I say this.... I’ve been working every day for the past 3 1/2 months 12-13 hours a day; doing all the things you say I shouldn't be doing because my billing rate is too high. But you make me do things the receptionist or secretary should be doing then ask me where my work is? DO I GET THE RECOGNITION THAT I DESERVE?! I HAVE PRETTY MUCH SOLD MY LIFE TO YOU SO I CAN PAY MY BILLS! I work to the bone, and when the time comes for my ONE DAY OFF, no not even a day off, just to leave at a normal time, you have to tell me I have to stay because you have a HOCKEY GAME TO GO TO! And you know that I've lost my best friend in the world and then to tell me it's just a stupid cat. I hope and pray that you never lose anyone who means something to you. I have given up everything for you, my friends, my mind, my life, and my physical/mental health for what? Working for you was the biggest mistake I have ever made and now I’m stuck because I feel I have no where to go. I could be finishing my education BUT I CAN’T DO THAT IF I’M WORKING EVERY DAY NOW CAN I? I feel you have taken it all from me. My inner strength has lowered unbelievably and my stress levels have sky rocketed. I CRIED TODAY! BECAUSE IM SO EXHAUSTED! AND I WONDER EVERY DAY WHY THE HELL DO I STILL WORK FOR THIS? I just pray that someday, you will clue in when I tell you I'm getting exhausted, because, I don’t know how much longer I have before I snap. Take the time, and think, how much this job has taken from me, I have sacrificed myself. But I will smile the day I do quit, and it will be the happiest day of my life because I know I won’t have you breathing down my neck every second, of every minute, of every day. Right now I’m so angry. Anyway have a nice day and smile. Your overly exhausted, stressed, senior accountant. :rolleyes: She didn't even want to see it. She wanted to focus on what I had done, all my negatives. |
Quote:
|
Wow BJ,
Great job! You did pour your heart out in this letter. good for you. I hope it helps you get some of these feelings off your chest. Talking about "it" what ever your "it" may be....is tough! hang in there girlie, you can do this...you are doing this... you are worth this effort. bizi |
Hi,
Quote:
The therapist should be able to handle that Therapy is supposed to provide a safe place for you to do this. And remember you are not criticizing her or attacking her personally. You are critiquing the professional relationship. Some therapists think that these kinds of conversations are the most important part of therapy because they show that you are making progress. Be brave and talk to her. Or type a letter and read it to her when you see her next. Mari |
Quote:
Taxes were due already for the rest of us. When do things lighten for up accountants? It sounds like you could use some sleep and maybe some pampering. http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/happy/fluffy.gif Mari |
I feel like my therapist was pushing me. For the most part we go very slowly but if I get scared or freak out then I always feel permitted to step back from that place or try to figure it out from a different angle. And often she will acknowledge that she feels she is pushing me and we can check in about it. Sometimes I think I should try to push more but I can't go any faster right now.
I felt like she was threatening me although it may not be what she meant at all. Often I have to check out what I heard versus what she actually said. It just sounded like she was saying it's her way or nothing and that made me angry. I's not about being right or wrong either, it's about my perceptions. Bottling up strong feelings, pretending everything is ok, hoping the feelings will go away without talking about them is more likely to damage the therapist relationship then talking. But she pushed me there and I felt like I was cornered. I was so proud of what I wrote to my boss and she didn’t even read it, wanted no parts of it. She was focused on why I was wearing long sleeves when it was 80 degrees out and some other things that I don’t feel comfortable about talking about. Mari there is really no down time for me. We started working long hours the third week in January and now at least I only have to work 8 hours a day. My billing rate is high and I work on mostly corporate, inheritance and estate tax returns. So there’s really no let up. I just need a break, a time out. I'm just so utterly exhausted right now and feel used. There's lots more inside but I can't get it all out. |
I still think that if you wrote her a letter to give to her (or even read it to her) this could help you get out what you need to say to her....it is so hard to verbalize these feelings.
Sorry to have missed you for a chat. ((((HUGS)))):hug: bizi |
((((((BJ)))))),
You're writing conveys a lot of feeling and emotion. Use it as a tool to help you when you're really stuck or when you're afraid of what's coming next. We always figure we know what's going on in someone else's head. That was actually a huge strength of mine when I was working, I could look at a lot of different points of view and see the big picture. Unfortunately, I had to learn that even though I'm good at a lot of things, I cannot mind-read. The reality is never as bad as what we create in our heads. Use the tools that are available to you -- your writing and your ability to communicate -- to verify what you think is going on. It sounds you have a lot of trust for your doctor. (I know how hard that is to find.) Try to take baby-steps and put all the various things that are available to you now to help YOU: your words, your ability to state what you want and need, a good therapist <<-- put 'em all together and you just might get the same kind of miracles I was able to get. That's what I wish for you -->> you own miracles :hug: BIG HUGS. Barb |
I was trying to talk about an issue that was very important to me. I was talking about something perhaps being an issue of trust....in the middle of me talking about what is important to me and bothering me. I asked her about what she thought if it is indeed an indication of a deeper level of not trusting. I ended up telling her she wasn’t listening. She didn't think that it was an issue of trust and that I was thinking about something else.
I’ve tried to keep my emotions under control I suppose, but it is bothering me. She does not listen or stop listening often I couldn't tell as she wasn't "different" than at other times. So does that mean she is not listening to me often? I feel like I am boring her, that I should stop talking and wanting to be understood.....maybe enough is enough, perhaps I just wanted to believe that she has "heard" me, understood me, and cared about me. I’m not sure exactly how this makes me feel but I know it doesn't feel good at all. My mind’s going in a thousand different directions and I hate this feeling. Am I over reacting, is it no big deal? How can I even believe that she is listening to me at any other session? How can I tell, I couldn't tell that last time, I had no idea that she had stopped listening? This session I would say was the worst one I have ever had. I had a flashback in session that was so horrific words really can't even begin to describe it. But now I wonder if she even “heard” what was going on, did she hear my cry for help? Before she would be calm, help me get grounded, reassure me, everything I could want in a therapist. Yet, despite that, I am totally freaked out about going back on Monday. I emailed her and told her so. She said it will be okay, we will work through this together. But now I’m afraid if I go and I if I go to “that” place she won’t even be listening, she won't help me out of it. So why go? |
((((((BJ)))))),
You NEED to go. You need to verify whether or not she was really listening. I always believe that places (situations) where we are the most uncomfortable are the areas that we need to work on. Do you have feelings of not being heard by other people in your life?? Maybe this is something you need to explore with her :confused: Speaking only for myself, I learned a lot of ways of coping to keep me safe during my childhood and during the time after my brother's suicide. A lot of those coping techniques either just aren't needed anymore or they're actually interferring with my being able to participate in healthy relationships. For me, a lot of that came up in the way that I interacted with my doctor. For me, it turned out to be good that I could sort of "rehearse" in a safe situation things/behaviors that I wasn't too sure about anymore. Trust your instincts, BJ. But, also realize that some of the "avoidance behavior" was learned to keep you safe a long-long time ago. Maybe it's not needed anymore. I know how hard you're working. And I remember the similar feelings that I had when I was in therapy. You're doing a good job http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_2_104.gif Barb |
Dear Me BP,
You are not over reacting and this is a big deal. That is why I suggest that you go on Monday. She is the best one to help you through this since she is the one you are having an issue with. Give her a chance to help you. She might surprise you and make you feel better. Maybe you two have reached a new step and a new level of understanding. You two could be in transition mode right now, on the way to a new and better relationship. Mostly I want to tell you to be gentler on yourself. You under enormous stress at work. Mari |
I also want to encourage you to go there and not be so afraid. Therapists are people. Somebody really loving taught me that nothing is forever, the good news being that that also goes for unpleasant things.
So, maybe she had an off-day and was not listening very well on this particular day. No reason to jump to conclusions about all the other sessions, how I recognize this tendency. And maybe she felt you were strong enough to discuss this issue and you disagree. You will figure it out together on monday. You have nothing to fear. :hug: |
This might be triggering so you might not want to read this.
Barbara I have absolutely no one who listens to me because there is no one and yes I still need those coping mechanisms. Last summer when I totally lost it and was so suicidal I called relatives I have in Florida and they totally blew me off. But thanks to everyone in the SOS forum I had myself committed before I could do any harm. And if anyone reads here from that forum, I’m sorry that I haven’t posted there for a while. I felt a need to back off there for a while because it's so triggering but I do care. My flashback was of my brother when I found him hanging in the bathroom. I don’t know where that came from but I had this vision of his lifeless body just hanging there and it all came flooding back. Where that came from I don’t know but I need to go “there” and I’m afraid. I’m scared to go back but don't know what else to do. I am extremely shy and find it difficult to talk and say things or even be able to put these horrible feelings and things into words. She is always asking me what I want out of therapy and maybe more importantly if I am willing to work with her. I'm having a hard time understanding what that means and can't give her an answer. Each time she asks I feel pressured by it and I need to prove something to her. I've been asking her what she wants me to do and basically from what I can understand from it is she wants me to talk to her? That's what I am trying to do. It isn't easy for me and when things start going around in my head a thousand miles an hour like they are now it makes it ten times worse. Initially when she asked me what I want out of therapy, deep down it is what do I want from her. I want her to be there for me and care about me. I want her to understand what I am going through. But I don't know if she truly can if she’s not listening. I don't see much point in a lot of things lately. But if I go back and see her on Monday I’m afraid it is going to turn out the same as before with her asking me this question and it’s like an ultimatum which I don't have the answer and I don't want to answer. |
BJ you did absolutely the right thing in backing away from the SOS forum...the last thing you need is triggering. :hug: I think you are getting some great advice here and I hope you will go back and tell her how you feel and what you need.
|
Dear Girlie,
You have shared alot of information with us...thank you for this. I feel honored when you trust us enough to tell us how you are really feeling. I wonder if you can put the brakes on during your therapy sessons. It sounds as if you are afraid that she will abondon you if you make waves. She is not going to do this. I think you perhaps could restate your needs.... (just figuring out your wants and needs takes work and then asking for it takes even more work) what it is that you would like for her to do.... could you simply ask her to listen, understand and support you. She may be a fixer type of person....trying to fix you. THis is your work...she should be there to help you do this.... ON YOUR TERMS and time frame....what happened to baby steps? If you feel she is pressuring you then this is a problem. There are no quick fixes...we all know this...it is the small steps we take along the way. She is to be your cheerleader...at least that is what I think...a life coach in a sense....you get to create the life that you want and need....and she is working for you...you are the one in charge. Another way to look at this is that you could fire her for not doing her job... but she needs to be clear about what that job is....what you expect of her. It goes both ways. Just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you... THis is hard work and you are worth this struggle. I think of you in a sisterly way....:hug: ((((HUGS))))) bizi |
I am afraid Bizi that she’s going to abandon me. My world is so small right now, so few people in it. But I needed to talk, I couldn’t be transparent. I felt like there was a gulf between us and I couldn’t reach her. Actually I’m terrified of her firing me but I can’t go there feeling like I have to walk on egg shells so she doesn’t get angry. I started to open up about “something” and she skirted the issue and was determined to talk about why I still SI even though I told her I wasn’t doing it anymore. I wasn’t lying, just not telling her. That’s when everything went downhill and I don’t even believe she listened to me the whole rest of the time. I don’t want to shut it off, turn her away I just needed to talk about the things I wanted to talk about. So it ended up where I never really got to talk about what I wanted to. But I was there just long enough to get a bunch of crap stirred up inside me, and then it was all of a sudden time to go. She tried to calm me down, sort of, but gosh I’m nowhere near calmed down. I’m upset. I’m the client and she's my doctor. She's the one who is supposed to work on what I want to work on, or at least that's the way I thought it was.
She told me I’m disassociating myself and I don’t even realize it. You keep "floating" away into a thoughtless and timeless void she said. She said it’s my defense mechanism for coping with my internal distress. She said this is a major stumbling block to progress in therapy because it severely diminishes my ability to be present. Without a clear picture of what's happening, she can't monitor my present state let alone help me. To me that sounded threatening. Quote:
|
So it is a recurring issue with this therapist? I have had that too. Turned out the person believed in a certain type of treatment for a person with my diagnosis which only made me not want to go in any more.
If you read this link: yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/psychotherapy you can see what type of therapy you would like, and then ask her what type she is doing. Might be an eye-opener. Lots of strength and (((( :hug: )))) |
Quote:
I am not sure what you mean about being threatened...do you mean that she was threatening discharging you? You need to ask her specifically about this tomorrow. I think you need to be reassured that she is going to support you and work with you regardless....so you dont worry about her leaving you. Does that make sense? ((((HUGS)))) bizi |
goals in therapy
Quote:
You are getting yourself all up in knots and you don't have to. The goal of therapy is to feel better. That is her goal and it is probably your goal too. When therapists ask me this dumb question about my goals, I make something up. It doesn't matter. Say that you 1. want to feel better. 2. want to learn to like yourself 3. want to be able to deal with the past and put it behind you a little. OK. Maybe some of those are actually my goals. But you get the point. ;) Her asking you your goals is her way of getting you to focus and to be more willing to work with her when she pushes. I think I am hearing in your posts that she has been pushing too hard. She wants to plow through and get to the heart of stuff way faster than you are ready to. Is this correct? Ask her to back off for a while. You are in a fragile state and she needs to go much more slowly than she is going. She can make this adjustment, but apparently you need to tell her this in clear words. My suggestion is that you print out your posts here and bring them with you tomorrow. Mari |
some therapists want to cure us
Dear BP,
Here is another thought. And you can decide if it applies in the case of this therapist: I think that for most of us on this board, we are our therapists' most complicated patients. I think that for the most part, when the general public needs therapy, the therapist can approach the case like a problem to be solved. Therapists are used to helping patients solve problems. I think that in many of our cases, our problems cannot be solved in therapy. Therapy can ameliorate the problems and help us face them but that is about it. Bipolar can be managed and treated but not cured. Add to that that many of us suffer other complications behind bipolar. Add to that that many of us suffer from deep and tremendous family dysfunction that goes back decades. I guess I am saying that some therapists are not equipped to deal with us. Some can "learn" and kind of catch up. Ask her to do that for you. But some feel that they need to accomplish more with us. So maybe the therapist is feeling frustrated. THAT IS HER ISSUE AND NOT YOURS. Tell her to get on board with you. She can do that. Mari |
I apologize if this is too much
Quote:
Hi, I don't think that she is threatening you. She is trying to explain what she is dealing with. She finds the dissociative states difficult because she can't do the work that she wants. Tell her what you want from her. She will try to help you. She is in a helping profession. It's really hard for me not to scream and yell and curse as I type this. She really needs to cut you some slack. Here are two web sites I found that mention difficult issues in therapy. http://www.mentalhealthworld.org/36kw1.html This person talks about having bipolar as well as trying to recover from earlier trauma: Quote:
http://www.psychologist-sf-contracos.../evil_copy.htm Quote:
Their approaches are very different from what your therapist is trying to do. Talk to her. Give her some things to work on. Tell her that she is focusing on the wrong stuff. Tell her what you need from her. Mari |
No need to apologize Mari because I really appreciate you trying to help sort things out about what's going on with us. We definitely have some issues but I was so certain that she was the one for me. I know I can be a hard patient because I tend to clam up when I feel uncomfortable. I never even heard of disassociating until she said it. But if I am doing it, it's my safe place and isn't it her job to keep me safe?
I don't exactly know what’s happening to me or what I want anymore. I’m having some sort of episode, whether it’s mixed or hypo I don’t know. I’m just so overwhelmed, crying, frustrated, irritable, hopeless, lost, thoughts swirling around in my head. Way too much, total overload. I took Klonopin last night and again this AM but I’m still teetering on the edge of bursting into tears and I have several times today. I’m not sure why I felt threatened but it sounded like do it my way or else. We're mostly talking about social skills and self-esteem which I have none of lately. The things I'm working on are sort of the issue. I'm not comfortable talking about me because I'm not comfortable with who I am. But, if I was a more adjusted person I wouldn't be in therapy, I guess. Most of the time, I sit there desperately thinking of something to say while trying not to say something that will make me sound completely insane. I just never knew how hard this would get and all the tough things you have to have going on in the office, then having a crash for a couple of day afterwards. I really like her and she has really stressed that her office is a safe place, no judgments, no shaking fingers at me (except when I cut). But that was then and now I think she’s changed or have I, I don’t even know anymore. I waited so long for this appointment because I was working long hours and couldn’t get time off and I was so hoping to get some things out. She has said things I have felt were unfair in the past. But she doesn't get to be 'right' about me automatically, because she is a tdoc. She probably has more insight, from her studies and from her objectivity, but she isn't always right. It's a huge order to expect another human being, tdoc or not, to always say nice things, never challenge you, never clash with you, and always be totally sensitive and kind and soothing and never take you to a bad place in your head or bring issues up. But right now I feel cornered and like there’s no way out. She wants to take me to a place I don’t want to go right now, I feel it. I’m terrified of going tomorrow because of where this might go. I need to feel like she’ll help me out of “there” if she takes me there and say it will be okay, or give me a hug. Do you know she has never ever touched me except to shake my hand? |
Quote:
It will be ok. She said that she wants her office to be a safe place for you. Tell her what SAFE means to you. On another note: I totally would freak out if my tdoc touched me. I don't remember even shaking hands with her. Thank goodness! :eek: I can see that we all want different things from therapy. :) This is why you need to tell her what you want. You need to give her some guide posts. And if you don't know exactly what you want, you seem to be clear on what you don't want from her -- you don't want to feel threatened by her. That one is important to bring up. Also, it is normal for the relationship to go through different phases as you move along. Maybe you are at a new phase right now and need to talk about what is happening now and what you want to happen next. Mari |
What do I want from her? I want to feel understood. I want her to listen and truly understand where I’m coming from. I want her to help me distinguish between rational and irrational beliefs. I want to trust her and I want her to trust me. I want her to guide me in my thoughts and feelings.
What I don’t want is for her to patronize me, treat me like a child. I don’t want her to sit there with her glasses down on her nose staring at me. She’s knows I’m stuck so give me a little nudge in the right direction. I don’t want her to sit there just staring and staring at me, watching me struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I need to feel safe with her. I need her to understand and care. I don’t want her to take me to the places I don’t want to go until I'm ready. If I felt safe with her, I’d go there. But I don’t feel safe. |
Hi,
This is beautiful. You are clear in your needs here. This is a good set of needs about therapy. They are well articulated and realistic. This is what you need to say. She will listen. And talking about these needs will be important because you will be speaking up for yourself. Are you going to print out what you typed and bring it in so that you can hand her a copy or read it to her? M. |
I’m not sure what I’m going to do Mari or even if I’m going yet. I’m absolutely terrified of her right now but I feel that she made me this way and if I go in so out of control she’ll be so angry. I remember before tax season my pdoc was telling me about my reptilian brain. It’s over a million years old and lives within you and unless you quiet it down, it’s more difficult to delve into childhood issues when your reptilian brain is activated. “Stuff” that is emotionally triggering is that much more difficult when your reptilian brain is controlling you. My pdoc has this all figured out, control my reptilian brain, control my anxiety, control my depression. Easier said than done when the image is still so vivid, still so haunting.
I was warned when I started therapy that some people have not taken up counseling for the very reason that they suspect it will make them feel worse. And I’m finding this absolutely 100% true, especially when you’re being pushed some place you don’t want to go, or you’re not ready to go. I’ve been trying to tell her how I feel or what I want from therapy in better words. This is what I came up with: I want to: Get unstuck Move forward Learn to feel Know when I’m off track Feel the fear in little pieces Find my way Dance Sing in the shower Have a good belly laugh Feel alive |
Hi,
Your pdoc understands bipolar. That is the difference between the tdoc and the pdoc I think. That makes sense about the reptilian brain. Here is what else I found. Basically, according to your pdoc, a person needs to have their basic needs of survival met. http://www.terrybragg.com/Article_Reptilianbrain.htm Quote:
It is up to you. You know this. Sometimes people get upset in Therapy. Sometimes they leave the session feeling worse than they did when they got there. But I don't think that that is a good model. Therapists can move slowly. They can let us discover where we want to go. You might decide that you want to break up with her. I sort of think that you could talk to her first before you drop her ---- if that is what you want to do. Quote:
This is a fabulous list. She can understand it. If she can't you can get another tdoc. We have lots of them in the world. M. |
ME BP
I've read through the whole thread. And I wanted to send you some hugs. Also wanted to tell you that I believe you are one strong lady. Please take sometime to figure out how to let your therapist know why its not working for you. I believe you are one of the strongest people I know. Also let that boss of yours know you need a day off. Donna |
Did I remember you saying that you have her email and that you communicate that way some times?
Maybe that could be another way to broach this issue? I am sorry...I hear all of the stress in your voice and yes I agree with Donna...you are a very strong woman and that is why I admire you so. ((((HUGS)))) bizi |
This past week, was really a tough week. The difference between this week and a similar week in the past is that I saw where it was headed. I got back to taking my meds religiously. I told her what was going on and asked for her help and support. Normally, I would have tried to hide it from her and tried to isolate myself. I would have avoided her at all costs in a vain attempt to take care of myself and stay "free." But I reached out and I was proud of that. But what really irks me is that I don’t think she cared enough to “hear” me. I need to be heard, I need to feel that she will help me get through all this and come out in one piece. I know I need to go “there” but I just want her to guide me, not leave my hanging and make me feel more crazy then I do right now.
I’ve printed out what I said here and I’m taking it with me tonight when I see her after work. I’m not sure how much I’ll let her see but I’m taking it with me. I need to just try to stay calm when I get there and not freak out. I know that reptilian brain is controlling me now but I can't quiet it. That's where I think she needs to help me. Is there such a thing as a BP hangover? After this session I feel like I’ve been chewed up and spit back up. Maybe I have been with all the chemical soup of whatever was going on these past few days. It seems like I had a fight and flight mode both going on at the same time. I feel like I’m hung over, nauseous, and shaky. I was going to call out from work today but I know for sure “they” won’t understand. Why now, they never do. |
I will be thinking about you today....
YOu are aloud to call in sick..... ((((HUGS)))) bizi |
Therapies.....
The four modules from wikepedia
[edit] Interpersonal effectiveness Interpersonal response patterns taught in DBT skills training are very similar to those taught in many assertiveness and interpersonal problem-solving classes. They include effective strategies for asking for what one needs, saying no, and coping with interpersonal conflict. Individuals with disorders frequently possess good interpersonal skills in a general sense. The problems arise in the application of these skills to specific situations. An individual may be able to describe effective behavioral sequences when discussing another person encountering a problematic situation, but may be completely incapable of generating or carrying out a similar behavioral sequence when analyzing his or her own situation. This module focuses on situations where the objective is to change something (e.g., requesting someone to do something) or to resist changes someone else is trying to make (e.g., saying no). The skills taught are intended to maximize the chances that a person’s goals in a specific situation will be met, while at the same time not damaging either the relationship or the person’s self-respect. [edit] Distress tolerance Most approaches to mental health treatment focus on changing distressing events and circumstances. They have paid little attention to accepting, finding meaning for, and tolerating distress. This task has generally been tackled by religious and spiritual communities and leaders. Dialectical behavioral therapy emphasizes learning to bear pain skillfully. Distress tolerance skills constitute a natural development from mindfulness skills. They have to do with the ability to accept, in a non-evaluative and nonjudgmental fashion, both oneself and the current situation. Although the stance advocated here is a nonjudgmental one, this does not mean that it is one of approval: acceptance of reality is not approval of reality. Distress tolerance behaviors are concerned with tolerating and surviving crises and with accepting life as it is in the moment. Four sets of crisis survival strategies are taught: distracting, self-soothing, improving the moment, and thinking of pros and cons. Acceptance skills include radical acceptance, turning the mind toward acceptance, and willingness versus willfulness. [edit] Emotion regulation Individuals with disorders and suicidal individuals are frequently emotionally intense and labile. They can be angry, intensely frustrated, depressed, or anxious. This suggests that these clients might benefit from help in learning to regulate their emotions. Dialectical behavioral therapy skills for emotion regulation include:[2][3]
|
I will definately be thinking of you too.
I also wonder if she just didn't realize you needed to be heard. I"m sorry she wasn't listening. I honestly know how that feels. Same as many here. Donna |
Me BP? I can so relate to you
I have been through this. It's horrible. I've also been through this in other ways,and forms. It's horrible,the grief,and pain you must feel. I'm so sorry for your pain,and combined hurt feelings.
At a point like this, it feels like a person,or group is turning their back on you.(For no reason out of the blue) It's Shocking,and Astonishing. I'd think I cannot believe this is happening. I've screamed into my bed matres to muffle my scream later. Sometimes people just don't understand,and completely more then misunderstand the situation. This happens when you think that you can't handle anymore.Time,and time again people trying to help me,wouldn't let me talk,and totally missed what I was trying to say. It's like my words must have bounced. I'd scream on the inside,and frantically think,don't you hear what I'm trying to say,are you turning on me,have you forgot how much I hurt. At a point like that,I'd be hurting,angry,and in broken pieces. I have thought that they understood what I'm going through,but apparently not. (Apparently Not) Oh please hang in there, I hope that you are better. I read only the first post of what you wrote,and this is Monday the 21st. It's days later. I wanted to say something as quickly as I could,because I just read your first post. I don't know whats been said since. I'm going back to read what's been said over the last four,or so days. I wish that I saw this the day that you went through it. I hope that you are better. Hugs Brokenfriend |
Brokenfriend you might not want to read it all if you're BP. I tried to warn so if you feel you might be triggered it's best not to read what I wrote. I'm so so sorry that you even know what I'm talking about and can relate. But it does hurt and it is painful. I just don't know about much anymore.
I had an awful day at work (I am pretty convinced my boss is bipolar, and he was having one of his manic episodes) and my emotions took off. I wanted to take the rest of day off because I was so afraid of what I might do at work, like quit, say something horrible and get fired, just lose it...who knows. I didn't know what the heck I was bound to do or feel next. So I went into the stairwell and cried for over a half an hour to control myself. At my tdoc’s we went over my mood journal but I forgot my pie chart of my moods during the day she wanted me to make. I got really irritated about how the session was going, had crazy anxiety on the way there, got so agitated the way people while driving. So it started off all wrong and went down hill. I showed her what I had written here, what I wanted and she said that she’s doing that and more. She said I’m the problem, I don’t listen to her, but she’s listening to me. She said my issues are way deeper than my job, my feelings of self-worthlessness or even losing my parents and my friends. It’s deep rooted, it’s my brother and unless we can get there, I’m just destroying myself and the relationship with her. I told her I can’t talk about it. I thought I could, I thought I had a place to feel safe but I can’t do it and don’t feel comfortable. I wanted to talk about "something" totally different and I tried but once again I don't think she heard. From that point on she seemed to wander away again, took two calls while I was in there and just wasn’t there anymore. We ended by her saying think about our relationship and let her know tomorrow night whether I'm showing up on Wednesday. Like “poof” go away, the end. Why do I feel like I’m screaming out to myself? I just feel so lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. If this is a normal experience, please let me know. Please let me know if you have experienced this in therapy because then maybe I will not feel so hopeless about it, like I’m choosing to ruin my life. I’m just so exhausted from all this right now it’s unbelievable. |
| All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:09 PM. |
Powered by vBulletin • Copyright ©2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Optimisation provided by
vB Optimise (Lite) -
vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2025 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.