I had a really bad session today and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so sad and hurt and angry and stirred up. I feel both defensive and feel like I've been shunned.

It is so scary to be mad at her because she's all I have.

She just didn't seem to think what I was saying was important. She thought another part of the story was interesting and wanted us to talk about that. I thought she would be happy about the part I felt proud of. But she said I've always been good at coping and what was interesting was why this particular issue was so upsetting to me in the first place. Not on how I handled it. Not on the actual decision. And she said I was focusing on the actual decision so as to avoid the feelings about this other part. I didn't get a chance to explain.

I got all upset. Especially because I had begun by saying there was so much going on that I didn't know where to start. And this thing that I ended up feeling so bad about wasn't even how I wanted to spend my time. I felt like she wanted to focus on the stuff I'm bad at (and know I'm bad at) when I somehow was expecting praise for an ultimately good decision.

She said it was my choice. But it felt like she was pushing me to go into that, so it wasn't really a choice. I felt like I had to do what she wanted.

She also said I had to choose whether to engage and participate in therapy or retreat and disengage because I got really quiet and stared at the floor and tried not to cry. I felt like she was frustrated and mad. I was trying to control the panic and sadness by scratching my arm to keep from crying.

Usually she is good and I feel comfortable with her, but today I didn't. Today I felt like a failure and horrible inside. It felt like she was pushing and pushing and all I could hear was my bad side not good side.

But I feel so hysterical that I can't tell what I'm seeing and what I was projecting.

I want to be calm and rational. I want to lay out her failures as I see them. I want her to agree with me. I want her to say she was wrong. She won't do this just because I want her to. But I don't know how to do that without being at one extreme cold and irrational or hysterical at the other end.

She didn't want to listen to me lay out all my logic because she says my logic is not the problem and I've always been good at coping. But I don't feel good at coping. The decision was hard. I didn't get to the point of explaining why because she wasn't interested.

I'm so confused and so sad. I'm trying so hard to get things out and I feel like I have to talk about what she wants me to talk about. I got in my car and just screamed at the top of my lungs that it's my sanity we're talking about so let me talk.

Just wanted to give you a quick hug....if you are on right now.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

WEll I certainly understand why you are upset....you have every right to be.
I think it would be best if you could somehow organize your thoughts on paper, perhaps a letter to her, you could even send it to her. So she has time to think about the session before you see her again.
She sounds like she wasn't listening to you and yes you pay her...it is your therapy and you get to go in the direction that you want.
She is supposed to help you not push you in the direction that she wants you to go.
I am sorry that she made you so upset.

Keep talking venting posting letting your emotions come thru...we care.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

AWWW, ((((((BJ)))))),



I know how hard that is -- to want to talk about something and other 'stuff' seems to get in the way.

The best doctor for me was the one that I was with for about 5 years. While I was seeing him, I wrote in my journal. He had told me to "hold the bad stuff until we could talk". The only way that I could do that without losing my mind was to write it down so I didn't have to remember it. I wrote everything down -- good stuff, bad stuff. Just before each appointment, I would sit down someplace quiet and read what I had written the previous week -- that helped to focus my thoughts and helped me talk in therapy about what was currently going on.

He also agreed to read several of the books in exchange for therapy hours -- so he had a good idea of where my head was at. I had to TRUST him implicitly in order to give him my books to read.

BJ, what I discovered through all my years of therapy -- some good doctors, some bad doctors and my five-year doctor (the best) was that I usually got extremely upset when I was getting "near" something that really bothered me. It can be a trick (AKA, a "safety mechanism") that your mind tries to play in order to keep you safe -->> sidetracking the conversation.

I know how upset you feel (I've been there), but, you might want to try to take a couple of steps closer to the scarier stuff when you're with her. She's there to help you and it'll be easier and safer for you to take those steps toward the scarier stuff when you're with her.

If you want more control over the conversation -- I agree with Bizi that YOU should be the one controlling the conversation, you might want to say to tdoc, "OK, I agree to talk for 10 minutes about X and that's as much time as I want to spend on X today."

BIG HUGS.

Barb

Hi,

Keep in mind that it is her and not you.
Keep doing the things that work for you and try not to let her throw you off.

Around the time I was wrapping things up with my old tdoc, I told him that when I said something, that is indeed what I needed to talk about and not whatever he thought he was "hearing" in my statement.
He agreed that he had kind of been trained that way but had learned to be more patient oriented over the years.

That's why we got a long.
He was smart enough and agile enough and willing enough to make adjustments for me. I was aware that I was sort of "training" him (he was young) but I thought that he might be worth it and he was.
We were together for 8 years and accomplished quite a bit.

Is your tdoc willing to be lead by you? Do you think that in another session you can have a talk with her about your needs?


This kind of stuff irks me to no end -- when they know better than you.
Also, focusing on bad -- what's the point? Focusing on something good can eventually help with the bad in the future anyway.

My current tdoc is wonderful about getting me to look at what I have done right. Sometimes she throws me off guard.

I left many tdocs after one visit. . . so many that I lost count.
But there are tons of stinky ones in my town. Tons.


I also remember reading that it is harder to find a good therapist than a good friend. So true. I have had extremely hard time finding friends. Good therapists are rarer.

Good luck.
I think that you will be eventually able to navigate this.
In the meantime, it sounds like you are going through difficulty.
I hope that you feel better about this in a few days.

When I needed to forget something I used to go to a movie in a great theater with good speakers and all and watching something exhillarating and intense.
Do what works for you -- be around nature, take few walks, . .

M.

Thank you for hearing me. I'm beginning to feel upset/anxious/scared/yucky/sad about going back on Monday. I suspect one of the things I'm supposed to learn in therapy is that I can have strong feelings and maybe disagree and that won't destroy me, won't destroy her, and won't destroy the relationship we've built.

But then again, what if I'm wrong? It is a lot to risk if I'm wrong. I'm afraid of making her mad. I'm afraid of annoying her. People get mad and then they take off and I can't take many more people turning their backs on me. People come, people go or leave this earth or take their own life. I’d give anything in the world right now to pick up the phone and talk to my mom or my brother but I can’t because they’re gone. I'm afraid she'll think I'm stupid for being upset and leave me too. But then she tells me I bottle up my strong feelings, pretending everything is ok, hoping the feelings will go away without talking about them and I'm damaging the relationship by not talking. I'm afraid she won't admit to being wrong. It is too hard to always be the wrong one.

This is what I was proud of. I wrote this out on my computer at lunch time. I never sent it but I just typed in frenzy pouring at my feelings like she told me to do.




Dear Boss,

How do I say this....

I’ve been working every day for the past 3 1/2 months 12-13 hours a day; doing all the things you say I shouldn't be doing because my billing rate is too high. But you make me do things the receptionist or secretary should be doing then ask me where my work is? DO I GET THE RECOGNITION THAT I DESERVE?! I HAVE PRETTY MUCH SOLD MY LIFE TO YOU SO I CAN PAY MY BILLS! I work to the bone, and when the time comes for my ONE DAY OFF, no not even a day off, just to leave at a normal time, you have to tell me I have to stay because you have a HOCKEY GAME TO GO TO! And you know that I've lost my best friend in the world and then to tell me it's just a stupid cat. I hope and pray that you never lose anyone who means something to you.

I have given up everything for you, my friends, my mind, my life, and my physical/mental health for what? Working for you was the biggest mistake I have ever made and now I’m stuck because I feel I have no where to go. I could be finishing my education BUT I CAN’T DO THAT IF I’M WORKING EVERY DAY NOW CAN I? I feel you have taken it all from me. My inner strength has lowered unbelievably and my stress levels have sky rocketed. I CRIED TODAY! BECAUSE IM SO EXHAUSTED! AND I WONDER EVERY DAY WHY THE HELL DO I STILL WORK FOR THIS? I just pray that someday, you will clue in when I tell you I'm getting exhausted, because, I don’t know how much longer I have before I snap. Take the time, and think, how much this job has taken from me, I have sacrificed myself. But I will smile the day I do quit, and it will be the happiest day of my life because I know I won’t have you breathing down my neck every second, of every minute, of every day. Right now I’m so angry. Anyway have a nice day and smile.


Your overly exhausted, stressed, senior accountant.

She didn't even want to see it. She wanted to focus on what I had done, all my negatives.

Sounds like she was trying to help you see something, but it sounds to me like it wasn't really TIME for that, that the praise you sought would have gone much further in making YOU feel better and it was her fault for not recognizing that. I'm sorry her foresight was off the other day, but you got through it and posted about it here and hopefully you'll feel better after reading my thoughts on this. I didn't have time to post when you'd posted this originally, I read it and thought about it and had time this morning so I hope that you feel a little better this morning. I don't know if my little saying will help you, the one about people not being perfect and making mistakes, but just remember change takes time and you've made progress, just getting OUT what you're feeling about the job, I am sure your T won't break if you tell her how the other day made you feel, especially if you do it in a way that isn't directly pointing the finger at her.

Wow BJ,
Great job!
You did pour your heart out in this letter.
good for you.
I hope it helps you get some of these feelings off your chest.
Talking about "it" what ever your "it" may be....is tough!

hang in there girlie, you can do this...you are doing this...
you are worth this effort.
bizi

Hi,
Taxes were due already for the rest of us.
When do things lighten for up accountants?

It sounds like you could use some sleep and maybe some pampering.

Mari

I feel like my therapist was pushing me. For the most part we go very slowly but if I get scared or freak out then I always feel permitted to step back from that place or try to figure it out from a different angle. And often she will acknowledge that she feels she is pushing me and we can check in about it. Sometimes I think I should try to push more but I can't go any faster right now.

I felt like she was threatening me although it may not be what she meant at all. Often I have to check out what I heard versus what she actually said. It just sounded like she was saying it's her way or nothing and that made me angry.

I's not about being right or wrong either, it's about my perceptions. Bottling up strong feelings, pretending everything is ok, hoping the feelings will go away without talking about them is more likely to damage the therapist relationship then talking. But she pushed me there and I felt like I was cornered.

I was so proud of what I wrote to my boss and she didn’t even read it, wanted no parts of it. She was focused on why I was wearing long sleeves when it was 80 degrees out and some other things that I don’t feel comfortable about talking about.

Mari there is really no down time for me. We started working long hours the third week in January and now at least I only have to work 8 hours a day. My billing rate is high and I work on mostly corporate, inheritance and estate tax returns. So there’s really no let up. I just need a break, a time out. I'm just so utterly exhausted right now and feel used. There's lots more inside but I can't get it all out.