Just not myself
 

:( I really need to get over all the stress and fatigue. I have no motivation whatsoever. I do what I have to do, and that's about it.

I am not usually like this at all. Once I wake up, I cannot go back to sleep, today was 4am. My mind won't let me.

There is a day here and there, where I seem to get a spurt of energy and get things done, but those days do not come often enough.

I feel crappy, depressed and tired.

Just venting, Nikko:confused:

Awwww. {{{HUGS}}}

I make myself get up- like this morning- when I've nearly over-slept but still feel not well enough to jump around.

Some days I've woken up early like you say and perfectly awake, so I get a shower, dressed and take myself to Tim Horton's to sit and be "alone" and read the paper over a coffee.

I am just sitting at the computer, having coffee, it is now 6:45am.

I got up early, but I wasn't up late, so I shouldn't feel like I do.

I guess it's the stress of my recent situation with my husband and court and all that crap.

UGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nikko:(

Hi Nikko
 

Understandable about the stress and fatigue, and ongoing situation even if it is a waiting part again.

Please do something sweet for yourself every day. If you can catch some day naps, do so. I find that when I can't sleep due to anxiety (i sleep light and wake up after few hours), that an anxiolytic dose at night helps more than any sleeping pill. Maybe something to ask doc about?

hugs
~ waves ~

Nikko,

I also cannot seem to get motivated to do much. I think it is because we are mourning the loss of something even though our husbands were not good people. I have been falling asleep without my meds for 2 or 3 times this week and sleeping till the next day. I can never fall asleep without my meds so something is wrong with me. I know sometimes I'll get super depressed at times. I did talk myself into going for a short walk late today and that helped a great deal.

befuddled2

Just wanted to give you guys a hug....
(((((HUG)))))
bizi

I hope that you can rest and do some small thing that brings a smile to your face.

whatever you do don't be hard on yourself and don't expect things from yourself...do whatever you can to eliminate stress...
Bobby

I did push myself to get things done around the house yesterday, but I had to keep sitting down and take a break, I wasn't go go go.

I did take my dogs for a walk too, it helps for the time I am walking them. Nobody was at the pool, I guess football season is taking priority over the pool now. It was hot out too. So, I didn't go.

I don't want to be there alone anyway, too many bad memories. In fact being here across country has been bad memories, my mom so sick for a year. My two older dogs having to put down, then my little redhead due to her agression. All the moving because of my mom's illness. From a larger rental to a smaller w/my husband, then her in her own rental, then to an Assisted Living, then her back with us in the 2bd and then all of us moving back into a 3 br, and then the assault on me.

I can't sleep w/o my meds. Got up at 5am today, I wake up in sort of a mini anxiety type style.

I sit with my mom everyday and we talk, or should I say she listens, then keeps saying all the bad things about my husband over and over, and I can't handle listening to that all the time.

I am going to try and finish some things I didn't get done yesterday. I really am going to try and get into one of James Patterson's books, he is a great author and I love all his books. I am way behind on reading his latest books.

I am rambling again. Court is a week from this Friday, it should be interesting and be the final one that determines what happens to him. If he doesn't show up and decides to flee, then I will be in a real mess, not knowing where he is.

I think I should move out of State, but have to ride out the lease till April, although my DV counsler can advocate for me if I feel the need to get out of here fast, like if he is on the run. Even still, I don't want to be in the same place as he is. I know he is really upset with me, that's what they do, blame someone else, it justifys what they have done. They actually believe it my DV counsler told me and they would pass a lie detector test. The repeat behavior keeps them in the system, they just will never change.

It's like I am in court with a stranger, weird feeling.

Okay, well anyway, have a good day.

Hugs, Nikko:(

If you apply for disability housing you don't have to worry about breaking your lease....
I still don't think it is a good idea for you to push yourself...instead you should pamper yourself but what do I know
Bobby
http://www.hud.gov/offices/hsg/mfh/h...torysurvey.cfm

Dera Nikko,
Just wanted to let you know that I hear you.....
((((HUGS)))))
perhaps you could ask your mum to not talk about him anymore.....
She may needs some gentle reminders....
she has been dealing with him abusing you as well.
It has been a really really hard time (over a year) for you both!
take care
bizi

Hi,
I ended up going to back to bed, so much for accomplishing anything. I took a pain pill that was much needed.

I woke up with a nervous stomach. I just ate something.

I do tell my mom to please stop talking about him so much, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I guess it is part my fault, since it is so on my mind, I may say something that gets her going on him, I don't know.

I will look into that type of housing, but I don't think I would be able to have my dogs, and I really can't give them up, they keep me alive, they are my life and always have been. It would be nice for my mom if that is what she wants, I think she likes being with me though. Which is fine.

Everyone says do something for yourself, but what, I am broke all the time, all our money goes to bills for this larger rental house.

I did get $49.00 from the State for food monthly. Not much but better than nothing.

I give up, I really do. I don't know what to do anymore, I exist, I am so far away from my real friends it's the pits.

He used me to move here with my money and my moms, we moved within 3 wks, I hadn't been dx'd as BP yet so off I went. Now look, he did such a job on both me and my mom, he makes me sick.

Hugs, Nikko:(

Don't ever, ever, ever give up hope that things will get better for you.
they really will.
baby steps...baby steps...

WE need you nikko and so does your mom....
as do your pets and your friends.
when I say take care of yourself...be good to yourself...this means the talk in your head.
This means being gentle with your head talk.
This doesn't cost a dime.
We can choose our actions and the things that we think about and dwell on.
This is where you get to talk nicely to yourself.
Pat yourself on the back.
When you have been abused and a victim of violence for so long it takes time to relearn to trust yourself and other people around you.
Tell yourself that you are a loveable and wonderful woman that you are....
Take a warm bath and feel the healing nature of the water....
light candles and watch the mystery of the flames....
put lotion on your skin...give yourself a foot massage...your skin will thank you for this....
if you don't have any lotion use a little olive oil...it is like giving yourslef an all over hug.
(((HUG))))
bizi

I am pretty sure for public housing you are only allowed one pet...that leaves me out right now because I couldn't part with my precious cats....for section eight I think it is up to the landlord...
Bobby

OMG what a crappy interrupted sleep I had, I kept waking up over and over.

Well, today is supposed to rainy, that's a real switch for where I live. Due to a hurricane in the Pacific. Catagory one, which will turn into a Tropical storm once it hits land.

So, it will be easy to nap if I feel I need to. Didn't get up until 6:30am which is later for me. I must of slept some, because I dreamed.

I tried calling the prosecutor yesterday to see what I could find out for next Friday, but as the victim assistance told me he is always in court. Yet when I go to court it's always a different prosecutor. But, he is the one that reviews my case. So, she said leave a message, and try calling today at 8:30 when he gets in the office before he leaves for court. I would just like a heads up on what he has reviewed and his thoughts. It says you are supposed to call.

My nails are growing again, so I did manicure them, I have this kit from the womens center they gave me.

I made pasta and Italian Sausage for dinner, so I ate 2x yesterday. I started taking vitamins too a few days ago.

I ran to the store for cigaretts, got 2 packs for the price of one, what a deal they had. Then I dropped off 3 bags of charcoal at my friends door, since I got rid of my grills I won't need it. I also dropped off a bunch of my weekly magazines I buy, Star, Us, In Touch, People, etc. Then I walked the dogs. Then I brushed my GS dog amazing the hair that comes out of him, my other dog has short hair, but I brush her anyway so she doesn't feel left out.

I also changed the AC filter, should of done that sooner, it was full of dust and stuff. Plus you should change it every month to save on your electric bill.

So, I did do some stuff, not what I wanted to do, like fold laundry and dust, but I guess I will get to that. Plus I need to get some paper towels and some wet swifters for glass I need to clean and wash the kitchen floor.

My mom has a DR's appt tomorrow, regular PCP, then on Monday her Surgeon for another sonagram of her right artery, God I hope it's okay, I would hate to see her go through more surgery, but if need be, then it must be done. It is for clogged artery, just like what she had a few months ago. It's not a long hospital stay, it's just that anything could happen on the OR table, like another stroke and it makes me very nervous.

I am a big ball of nerves to say the least. Today I have call my DV counsler to set up an appt. for next week. I will need an appt. prior to next Friday.

Why am I rambling, I just got up. Maybe the iced coffee is kicking in.

Well, I know it is going to rain, I felt it yesterday in my spine and back.

So, that's it for me. I seem to be going up and down. Down more, but I am trying my best.

Hugs, Nikko :confused:

It didn't end up raining yet. I am so tired and cranky, I tried to lay down, but my mind won't let me drift off to sleep.

I need to go to the store, so I will take a shower and it will hopefully wake me up.

I took a pain pill for my spine, it hurts a lot the last few days, along with sporatic headaches.

What a mess I sound like. Makes me totally upset with myself.

Nikko

Nikko,
I hope that you are doing better today, Wednesday.

I really wish that you could break free from the bad feelings. Don't let the jerk win.
Find ways to build yourself up, to feel like a beautiful, worthwhile, and valuable person. Your tdoc can help you do this. You deserve it.

It is a long road to recover from that kind of atmostphere that you escaped, but you can do it.

Mari

I did sleep last night, only woke up once. Only went to the Dollar Store yesterday and Walgreens. I got some little devices for the front door and not sure if it will go on the slider door, it's a piercing sound alarm if someone tries to get in, you can turn it on and off with a little switch on the side, which is good, because of my dogs. I am going to try and put them on today. They have been on TV, got them at the dollar store, so not sure how good they really are, better than nothing I guess.

I think once court is over on Nov. 3rd next Fri., I will feel better, at least I hope so. I should know then the final outcome of this DV case.
I just checked the court on the computer, and my Order of Protection is another charge against him.

Still can't get in touch with the prosecutor, but that is nothing new.

My mom didn't sleep all night she said, so she is trying to now 7:15am, so she can make her Dr's appt this afternoon. She isn't even napping during the day, so maybe it is nerves. It happens to both of us quite a lot.

Still need to fold clothes and dust. I am so bad. Made chicken, spanish rice and peas last night. Watched Dancing with the Stars.

I had crappy feelings yesterday when I was driving when songs came on, so I drive and cry. Then in Walgreens all the Holiday stuff, just blows my mind, not a good time of year for me, very depressing.

Just call me ramble, cause that's all I seem to do here. It's my mind all over the place. Still thinking about moving - how - when - where, etc.

Hugs, Nanc:confused:

You are good!
 

sounds like you had a real nice dinner last night...hoopefully enough for some left overs for today?
take care
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Candy
 

Buy some candy and eat it all watching a good movie, that helps me with popcorn. I might dress up as a witch for Halloween, ha ha, I am already one. Walgreens, I have a joke about that place but not suited for here, too nasty cursing.

I eat alot now that I don't drink and it works:confused: