My meds/machine combo
 

Nothing seems to be working with my meds. I see my pdoc on Friday to go over them. I asked for an emergency appointment today because I've been doing something again and I need to get something out but it was canceled at the last moment. My meds right now include:

1200 lithium (have been everywhere from 900 to 1800, depending on mood)
75 Lamictal and going up
Klonopin.5 for a long time but I felt it was making me more depressed
I can't take antidepressants because they make me manic.

I have the VNS implanted for TRD, but it's off right now. There are a lot of side effects, I have to use a CPAP machine when it's on and I feel like the mask is suffocating me. I have GERD and it makes it 10 times worse. I went through all that and it's doing nothing.

I'm just stuck in more ways than one and can't seem to find a way out.

Hi, I am kinda new here and don't really have any wise words. Just wanted to throw you a hug :hug: and tell ya I am sorry you are having such an awful time.

I know how you feel.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Sorry about that, BJ. Too bad your pdoc canceled just when you really needed him/her. :(

I use a CPAP too -- nose and mouth. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I just have to remind myself that at least I'll keep breathing all night and sending oxygen to my poor brain cells. :o

Good luck to you. Hurry up Friday! Be kind to yourself!

Dear BJ,

Have you had a lithium blood level lately?

The Lamictal will take a few more weeks of titrating before you start to benefit.

I don't have any ideas right now. I hope that someone else does.

Did you try other mood stabilzers besides Lithium. I hated Lithium because I was depressed on it. But some people apparently find a bit of an anti-depressant effect from it.

It is good for you to keep asking questions and to keep looking for solutions.
Can the pdoc see you tomorrow/Tuesday? I hope so.

Mari

I am so happy they started you on lamictal!!!!!
I know that you have to titrate up slowly and the reccomended dose is 200mg, you should be there in a few more weeks.
It has antidepressant qualites...this should help you!
yes the klonipin can make you depressed, it is tranquilizer.
HOw long have you been using the cpap?
Pammy can help you with that she uses it as well.
Thank you for checking in with us....
You are a brave woman and I admire you for this.
are you back to work?
How is hooper?:hug:
bizi

I've tried Depokae (sp?) before but it made me depressed. My pdoc thinks that Lithium is the one for me. I had my Lithium check in May I think that's when I had to start taking Synthroid for my thryoid which I'll probably be on the rest of my life.

I started with the CPAP after I had the VNS implanted. The VNS has done absolutely nothing for me and I asked if they could just take it out. She said they won't unless it's an absolute emergency because it's wrapped around some artery. She still wants me to give it another try once I get more stable.

I was disappointed that my pdoc canceled on me but I understand. Someone was in crisis and she had to go to the hospital. I'm going to see again if she can squeeze me in today if not I'll have to wait until Friday and try to hang on. I need to try to get some things out in the open, I'm going to try anyway.

Dear BJ,

It's possible you need a thryoid check. You might need the synthroid adjusted.

Are you on any other meds? Med that could be interfering with the bipolar meds????

Let us know when you get in to see the pdoc and talk. I'll feel better knowing that your pdoc knows what is going on.

In the meantime, find a safe way to get through the time it takes for the Lamictal to start working for you. Get your pdoc to help you find a new tdoc and maybe someone to teach you some coping skills and so on. You need more help than you are getting right now.
And good people really can help you.

Mari

Sorry, Quote, is stuck.

But I am really glad your giving lamictal a try. Its one that my Derrick is on.
And its good for him. I hope you can do 200mg and it work at that.

I have been missing and not up on your story. So I will let it go at I am sending you hugs.

Donna

I'm going to see her this afternoon at 3. I didn't tell her how bad I was feeling until this morning. I haven't slept at all and can't stop the thoughts. I finally told her I was cutting and that I needed to see her.

I'm not taking any other meds Mari, just Nexium for GERD. I guess she'll know about the thyroid and it needs to be checked. I'm not even sure when I had it checked last. I hope that's all it is. And I told her I have something I have to get off my mind. I'm taking the complaint I typed and the pictures I took. I just have to get my nerve up to show her them.

Dear BJ,
That' great that you are prepared to speak up and be heard.
I'm happy for you.

Ask her to get you a support group or a new tdoc.

M

so happy to hear that you are doing this.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

http://www.schematherapy.com/


this might interest you.
bizi

pdoc's
 

Dear BJ,

Are you up to telling us what happened at the pdoc's and what is going on?

Do you feel better?

I'm sending prayers and good thoughts.

M.

It didn't go well. I didn't tell her, I couldn't get it out.

I often notice myself avoiding eye contact with her. Almost every appointment I begin by explaining how I am feeling and what has taken place since I've seen her last. During this time I always look away, staring at the corner of the door, or the books on her shelf; looking anywhere else but at the person I am talking to. During this time I almost always feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed for not getting better, ashamed of the way I act, ashamed for not doing the things I know I need to do to get better; like eating better, and spending more time with other people.

Usually about half way through my session I begin to feel less anxious and my gaze moves towards her face. Wednesday this never happened. I spent almost my whole appointment staring at the bookshelf. I recognize this is a problem. My avoidance of eye contact is a reflection of my fears of being rejected by her, my low self esteem, and how much guilt and shame I carry inside me.

As soon as I began to talk a flood of tears began pouring out of me and as they came I felt so alone, helpless and hopeless. I started to feel like I was a burden to her. I started to feel like I was going to lose her support if I don't get better faster. I started to feel like it is my fault I'm still so depressed. It's my fault the medications are not working, it's my fault for what happened to me.

I was thinking last night how I believe in God - someone else being in control of my destiny. It is like I cannot accept I have a mental illness and that I have little control over some aspects of how I feel or act. I feel like it is my personal responsibility to make myself feel better and I am failing miserably. When I go high....I can see it is like a light switch gets turned on and I did nothing to affect my high mood, but when I am low, I feel like I did, or am doing, it to myself.

God, I need a shut off switch on my brain.

Dear BJ,

Thanks so much for posting.
I was wondering how it went.

It's ok that you couldn't tell her. You will tell people when you are ready.

Do you feel that she is on your side? Is she mostly helping you.
Maybe if you cannot tell her in person, you can send her a letter, email, or phone message.


How are you getting through your days? Do you have good coping strategies that you can rely on?

M.

Thank you for posting BJ,
I am glad that you were able to express yourself here...this is a good thing...I am glad that you trust us enough to share...continue doing this.
I like Mari's suggestion to sending the letter to her.
just put a stickie on it explaining that you wanted to tell her this but couldn't.
This is a much easier way to get the information to her.

((((HUGS))))
bizi

BJ
 

I've felt the same way. Sorrow,to Sorrow. Hang in there. BF:hug::hug::hug::hug:

this might be off the wall but do you ever feel angry. Even though i am a mess once I learned that i was bipolar II and the other things, i finally began a new path of not beating myself up as much. Knowing it was a chemical imbalance instead of psychological weakness put a whole new light on things.
Can you beat yourself up if you limp because you may have broken your leg? Would you be ashamed because you broke your leg?
I just have a feeling you might have a lot of anger that you are bipolar and deep down you don't think it is fair to carry this burden.
Maybe i rationalize but i say it is a gift from God because it draws us closer to the great unknown because of our incredible suffering. At least for me, the pills dont work that well and my doctor has tried a lot of them. The pills have caused me to become diabetic, have high blood pressure, have gained around a 100 pounds and have high cholesterol.
Does anything get you angry? What are the things that get you angry? could you list them for me?
Are you proud of anything about yourself? You know you are a hero for being able to bear the harsh symptoms of being bipolar. In a way your hands are tied and you have to learn to live with it and learn ways of nurturing yourself and not feel selfish when you do but feel successful.
When you look at another person with a limp, do you say that person should feel ashamed that she can't walk normally or do you feel admiration that she is coping?
I hope you give me a big list of what things make you angry.I wish each day at least a few times a day you could look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a hero for bearing the burden of being bipolar
Bobby

I just typed up the email to my pdoc and attached the pictures and the explanation of what went on but I haven't had the nerve to push send yet.

I do trust my pdoc Mari. When I told her I've been cutting she told me that people will judge me for all sorts of things, maybe it is important to let things go and allow the judgment and maybe allow my embarrassment to happen. (to learn I can't be embarrassed to death). This is the reason I'm afraid to let her know. I sense a big part of her job, and therefore her relationship with me, is to judge me (to judge my wellness, my personality, my pathology, etc.), I feel fearful, that while outwardly she is accepting me, inwardly she just thinks I'm a complete loser. A failure as a human being. I'm coping by having Hooper to love and hold, she won't judge me, and by working in my garden, I feel safe there.

I'm not angry Bobbi. I never, ever get angry. The only thing that I can honestly say that makes me angry is animal abuse. I have big dreams and a mind that can handle them. I just have to allow them in my life, to stop hating myself so much. God has blessed me with a gift that allows me to think on a level totally different than most other people. To see things in a totally different light yet most people call it a disease. But then there are people in the world who make fun of you because you have a mental illness. I got this in an email this morning from someone and I think I know who. I tried to reply but he/she must have deleted their account because it came back undeliverable. Does this make me angry? No, it tore through me like a knife. I don't have multiple personalities, I disassociate and there's a big difference. I confided in someone and they slapped it in my face. This is why it's so hard for me to open up.


http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t...ket/35_MPD.gif

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/%5....gif%5B/IMG%5D

:hug:

bj, i saw the cartoon first. my first thought was that it was a joke against your employer. that they would think of something like that. a way to "use" you to make more money.

i don't know what the person was thinking who sent it. or their reason why.

:hug:

((BJ))

I am so glad you are posting, you have been in my thoughts:hug::hug:
If you post in the SOS forum I will reply more there. For now I will just wish you the strength to push send, and pray for you:hug: Nikki

I'm thinking of you, and so glad you can post here. You are so in my thoughts and prayers.

Let us know when you have pushed the send button.

Donna

Hi,
Professionals will work with you anyway -- no matter what they think.

I'm glad that you trust her. That is an important foundation.

I hear guilt in your posts.
This reminds me a little of my religious upbringing in the Catholic church: guilt about self, guilt about deeds, guilt for the state of the world, . . .
Guilt can be horribly destructive. I almost think that anger, like Bobby mentions, is a good honest emotion to be able to work with.

Regarding the stupid cartoons: try to let it go. People are mean and they are ignorant. My sister says that her high school kids use the word bipolar throughout the day to refer to anyone who changes in temperment. She corrects them. ;)
But that's a loosing battle. People don't learn much about the mentally ill unless they join the ranks or have a member of the family join the ranks. And even so, people don't do such a good job of trying to understand -- ask anyone in my family. :(

We understand.
I want you to feel better.
'Sending lots of good wishes. :hug:

M.

Had to say.

I love the way Mari, thinks, post and she is a woman with words
of wisdom.

So send the email, and get it in the open. So that you can
start getting some help.

I really believe that we all help each other when we talk through
writing.

In this case you and you therapist if that his who your writing.

Love ya

Donna

Hi Mari
I don't think she is going to start feeling better until she starts getting in touch with some of her angry feelings.
she is such a wonderful person and seems to carrying the world's shame on her shoulders. We are all bipolar here. I for one found it liberating to find out i was bipolar and it just wasn't psychological. If somebody judges me because I am bipolar I think what a fool they are. I tell a lot people and i guess try to educate them that it is a mood disorder not a thought disorder. I am not ashamed I am bipolar. It wasnt my fault. I never went through the anger stage. I guess I was diagnosed so late (in my fifties) it was more exciting as if the puzzle had been solved. I also have excellent defenses when attacked. At times I have gone for the jugular. I come off as a very mild person lol.

Dear Bj,
Girlie, maybe you can look at this another way.
If this was information that would help.......me.
Wouldn't you send this information... like yesterday!
You would do this to help someone else...I know you would.
Think of this as helping your inner self.
You can do this...
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Yes, you can do this. Positively you can.

Donna

Hi BJ
 

I'm sending hugs,and prayer. I hope you feel better. You have had such a hard time over a period of time,your due for something good to happen. I love ya.

Like Bobby said,you probably have anger pinned up in you that you are unaware of. If you let it out properly,I think you will feel better.

There is a time for everything,and anger surfacing will be healthy if you let it. Brokenfriend

Bizi I would send it in a heart beat :hug: There's only a few that know what really happened in there. It's something that I can't forget, I can't wash away, even though I've tried. It's hard to explain.

I forgot to say that I've been in contact with a few therapists and I thought I found one. He told me he'd send out some paperwork over the weekend. I got it yesterday and almost signed it. Good thing I read it again because it had a "no suicide, no self-harm" clause in it. I called him today and said I can't abide by those rules. Isn't this why a therapist is supposed to be there?

That's a relief. You were saved from that idiot.
 

BJ,
It's ok.

Now you know what to screen for on the phone.
This guy is not an acceptable therapist for you. He failed you before you even had a session with him.
And guess what? You are sooo lucky you did not have to 1) waste your time with him and 2) give him an opportunity to make you feel worse.

Get back on the phone on Monday and tell potential therapists what your problem is.

Say something like
1) I am bipolar and have a Vagus nerve stimulation device that is turned off
2) I am med compliant and in a long term relationship with my pdoc of this many years
3) I was last hospitalized such and such a day
4) I cut
5) I dissociate
6) I am trying to deal with the terrible loss of my brother
7) add whatever you want.
This will take you 20 seconds to say.

Then ask them if that can take you on as a patient.
If they cannot, ask them for suggestions on who specializes in this.

Get it all out up front before you have to see them and before you waste your time reading their dumb as$ paperwork.


Mari

ps
If you live within driving distance of a medical school, you can look for therapists there.

Thank you Mari,
this is why I am so fond of you.:o
bizi

I understand/believe I have an illness. I believe, and my pdoc has told me she believes, my illness is biological and/or genetic. I thought this new therapist understood how desperate I am to get well and how important it is that I get well as quickly as possible. I am really upset by this no suicide/no self-harm clause. I told him I cut and he still tried to slip that in there. I'm upset with the whole mental health system right now.

My pdoc always talks in terms of our eventually finding a medication, or medications, that would help me or the possibility of more ECTs. I know I need to do more than take medication. I need to work hard to get my life back, but I can't manage to do those things when I am this depressed. I need something to help lift my mood enough so I can manage to become motivated to begin living again.

depression
 

BJ,
Long term unremitting depression is hard.
And you are hero for staying in there. But you don't have to do this alone.

I believe that you are trying to do too much by yourself.
You need a treatment team to help you.
A pdoc can be one member of that team to help you and be on your side.

There are tons of tdocs out there. You can find many in your area who would be a perfect fit for you -- you just have not found that person yet.


The Lamictal could work for you. It has helped many others with depression.
Right now you are at 75. When do you go to one hundred? Is the pdoc aiming for 200? That will take a few more weeks.

Mark the calendar for when you get to 200. That could be a good day for you.

Mari

Dear BJ,
just thinking of you today.
I think Mari is right.
You need a team of folks on your side.
I think a massage therapist would be a good member for your team.
Have you ever tried a yoga class?
bizi

BJ
 

I'm thinking about you. BF:hug::hug::hug: Hang in there

I'm seeing my pdoc tomorrow, I'm ready to tell her. I'm still taking 75 lamictal Mari but tomorrow we're going to go over my meds. She told me she wants to titrate me up slowly because of side effects and some get a rash from it. I don't know if it's from this or not but I'm having an even harder time with my memory than I usually do. I tried to read last night and had to reread the same page over and over again because I kept forgetting what I read. She's suggesting I have another series of ECTs because they did lift my mood and helped for a while. Then things came crashing down again. But I told her I'd discuss it tomorrow more. If it's the only way, then I have to do it. She told me we'll work together to help me find a tdoc who I can trust and who will understand about things I do.

I'm really scared because she's going on vacation until August 2nd but she said she's just a phone call away. I feel so uncomfortable talking to someone else but I'm going to try my hardest not to bother her.

BJ

My son has been on lamictal for about 6 years. The rash that the therapist
is talking about is something that yes you need to go slowly.

But its just the first 100 to 150 that they really watch the most. If you start to feel you are getting things that could be side effects ask me. I know
them very well.

And I do have one more thing I need to say to you. If its like with seizures,
lamictal is a unusual drug. When you hit the dosage that is right for
you its just that it starts to really perk and give you things to help. I remember my sister who is severe bi-polar being on it too. And I remember
her being upset because it wasn't working at 100 or I believe even 200, but
when she hit 225 wow, she called me to say. Its starting to help me.

I wish the same for you, but not so long a wait.

Donna

yes this is true!
The lamictal they should be able to go to 150 now and then 200 after that. Some folks need to have higher doses than that...some have it at 400mg.
The ect treatments were so hard on your system....
I would definately not try the ect again until you have given the lamictal a shot.
Please wait.
We are rooting for you.
bizi

And I will say I'm really glad your not using it to stop seizures. At one point Derrick needed 600mg with combination of two other drugs. We finally got to bring the dosage down. But it was hard on him and I do not want anyone
to have to go that high.

So good luck and we are rooting for you and the lamictal.

Donna

Hi, BJ,

The Lamictal could be causing your cognitive problems. Perhaps that is only a temporary side effect. Check with the pdoc of course.

The pdoc might not think that you can wait until the Lamictal starts working. It's a long wait with the titrating schedule. Talk to her about her time table for the titration because some pdocs are a bit different. How long would she take to get you to 200? 225?

I'm trying to remember how ECT works. Is it true (like with our meds mostly), that how you will react once, can indicate how you will react the next time?

If the pdoc thinks that they worked, that might be your option. Would she do this inpatient?
Did you get headaches last time?

How many treatments does it take for the ECT to kind of "kick-in"? 3? 5?
That might help you decide.
Also, you will have to schedule the ECT and make the plans and all.
If it takes two or more weeks to get the benefit of ECT and that is close to the same amount of time it takes to get to Lamictal, then the equation is about which side effects are most tolerable. Also part of the equation is that the pdoc wants to go with the tried and true it seems -- the ECT. But she wants to see what you have to say.
She sounds like a good pdoc.

I'm thrilled that the pdoc sounds committed to finding you a good tdoc. The right tdoc can help you change your life.

Good luck BJ.
That's good that you have enough faith in yourself and faith in her to tell her. Good job.

Mari