New tdoc today
 

I have a new tdoc appointment today. I agree that how comfortable I feel with her will be the most important thing.

I did ask them some questions when they called me to set up the appointment:

How many years in practice? (8+ yrs)

Have you counseled many people with my diagnosis? (yes)

Can I bring in projects, photos, writing? (yes)

Is there any no suicide/no SI clause? (no)

Are you available outside of session? (yes)

Do you have someone to cover for you when you are not available (vacation)? (yes)

Is your office a safe place to explore my feelings? (definitely)

Will we be using DBT skills? (yes)

I talked to her on the phone and it seemed like we were going to hit it off. She talked at ease and seemed very comfortable and it sounded like she truly understood my problems and my need to seek and get help. I told her I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin half the time and she seemed to know where I was coming from. I told her I have a hard time talking about things, how I disassociate and how I seem to wander away. I’m a nervous wreck but I want to get on with this and tell everything. I need to get so many things out in the open and I need help with the SI.


Is there anything else I should ask them in the initial interview to get a good feel for her? I want this to work so bad and don’t want to mess this one up too.

Wow!
I am so proud of you.
This is wonderful what you did....I think that you already hit it off and could jsut follow her lead and see how it goes.
great that you are doing this.
wonderful!!!!!
thanks for sharing...have been wondering how you are doing.
I don't like it when you are quiet....makes me worry.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Way to go!
 

Dear BJ,
Those are good questions.
I think that the interview/session will go well. Crossing my fingers.
Mari

I almost didn’t go because I had a huge panic attack in the car and couldn’t breathe. Thank goodness I went an hour early because I figured this might happen.

It was a long session, over 2 hours and I’m drained but I think this might work. I gave her permission to talk to my old tdoc and my pdoc so she knew a lot about me already. After all the intros and nuances we got down to business. She asked me how I felt talking to her and I said very uncomfortable. But I tried my hardest to tell her everything and I did, except one thing. I told her about Mark, about my dad and how my mom suffered in silence. She did throw me when she said I have to “remember to heal”. I know I’ve blocked a lot of pain out of my life but I don’t know how to do that. It’s hard to go there that’s why I disassociate.

Then she started to talk about what my tdoc and pdoc said. That is I’m unreachable, they can’t get to what’s inside of me. I lost it and burst out in tears. She started on the disassociation and I interrupted her and said please I have no parts and don’t ask them to come out. She did calm me down and we went on. She said we have a lot of work to do, we have to break down the barriers or else it’s going to break me and that she’d help me in any way she can but I have to work too. She wants me to blog or journal and show her everything I’ve written. She only allows 2 emails a week but will take calls 24 hrs a day. She said she needs to here my voice to understand where I’m coming from.

My pdoc recommended her because she highly skilled in EMDR. I never even heard of that before until she said it. It does sound highly intense though and I don’t know if I can go there yet.

My pdoc comes home on Saturday and that will be such a relief. I’ve felt so lost without her but I’m proud of myself for only calling her twice when I was feeling really bad.

I do have one more thing to get out, the thing that’s destroying me inside. I start a series of 9 ECTs on Monday and my pdoc gave me her word that she would be there. I told her how scared I was because last time I was in the hospital and this time it’s being down as an outpatient. So my plan is that when they give me the IV to knock me out I’m going to tell her. I won’t be awake to see the expression on her face and when I come to it won’t be there.

Wow, Bj that sounds all good to me.
I am so glad that you trusted her enough to tell her all about your self and the past issues that continue to haunt you.
You did a good job and I am sure it was so hard/draining to go thru all of that.
It is never easy starting out with a new therapist.
She wants to help you....you can be sure of that.
And you want to heal yourself...
I am proud of you and thank you for sharing.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
IMO....just send your pdoc the letter.....:o

That's good that you like your therapist and feel that she is on your side.
EMDR can help people resolve stuff from their past.

Keep writing as much as you can. It will help you and help her so she can help you. :)

Good luck with the ECT. Maybe being outpatient will make it go better this time.

Mari

ME BP

I love the way you handled this new doctor. And I love the way she was so open with you. Way to go. You are going to be able to handle this well.

I'm so proud of you.

YOu are a shining light.

Donna

I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the things she said yesterday about accepting that I’m mentally ill.

If I could accept I had a mental illness; not just say it, or understand what that is, but really accept that some of what goes on in my head and with my body is out of my control I think I might begin to let go and to get better.

If I could stop fighting against the suicidal ideation, the self loathing and SI, the anxiety, the intense fatigue, the lack of motivation, the absolute terror and fear of being left alone, or being embarrassed, or being rejected; if I could accept these are symptoms I cannot control, I might be able to relax and stop trying so hard to get rid of them.

I need to find it within myself to ACCEPT I can do what I can and I can try to do things. I can hang on, and survive, but I cannot CONTROL all my symptoms. I need to learn that have an illness where what you can and cannot control is ambiguous. I need to believe that I am trying as hard as I can to get better, and that is all anyone wants me to do.

I was so grateful last night when my pdoc called to ask me how it went. I asked her about the EMDR and she said it’s used for people who have PTSD and this new tdoc is a specialist in it. She said you have to be very careful before doing EMRD and the tdoc has to be extremely well trained because for some people EMDR can break down the dissociative barriers and a psychotic breakdown can happen. But she believe that in time I should consider this.

I asked her again if she’d be there Monday and she said absolutely. Today I have to have blood work done and an EKG. Then I’m meeting with the anesthesiologist and the guy that’s doing the treatments.

What an insightful post to wake up to....
keeping you in my thoughts today.
you are making progress...keep up this work...you are worth it....
I can't imagine how hard this is....
:hug:bizi

I am really impressed with you. It sounds as if you turned a significant corner. Now you just have to remember to take baby steps and be ready to have some fall backs. That is normal and to be expected....but gradually...
bobby

I was given a physical, blood work, chest x-ray (I have a cold) and they did an EKG. I met with an anesthesiologist to discuss the process. She said I would be under anesthesia for approx. 15 mins and would be given a muscle relaxant so my body would remain still through the process. The doctor who does the actual ECT then visited me and I asked him tons of questions. He calmed my fears about my brain and the process and having these done again. My brain is super important to me I have all sort of concerns about the procedure and its effect on my intellectual abilities. The doctor told me that I may have some short term memory loss for around the time of the treatments, but that most of those would come back within a few weeks of the treatments ending. Last time it took a lot longer and I still have big memory problems and have a hard time remembering new stuff.

The only problem was the EKG showed sinus arrhythmia. The tech said it could be caused by stress but they’ll repeat it on Monday. They also said they’d give me something for headaches and nausea. They’re planning on giving me 9 treatments and hopefully this will work and give me my life back.

I am glad that you had such a responsive visit and that they answered all of your questions...it sounds like they are going to do everything possible to make you comfortable.
thanks for posting and take care of that cold!
(((((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi:grouphug:

This is good progress, BJ.
Things are moving along.
Do you have to stop taking any of your meds over the weekend?
Mari

Yes Mari I had to stop taking all my meds on Thursday because they said anything with antidepressant qualities can cause seizures while you’re getting ECTs. This past week I cut back on the Lamictal and Thursday stopped it altogether.

My pdoc is back in town and she called and wanted to make sure I had all the testing done. And she wanted to reassure me that she’d be there on Monday. She also knows that I’m not taking any meds and that I could call her any time over the weekend if I feel bad or I get the urge to cut.

I also asked her about some of the things the doc doing the ECTs said. I didn’t understand but said I did. I heard him say the word “bilateral”. I asked her what that meant and she said they’re doing it to both sides of my head for the first few to see how it goes. For some it works quicker than on one side but memory deficits are more acute. She realizes how fast I have to get better. I was just so glad she called and reassured me she'd be there.

I often wonder if the medications and the therapy don't work, because I'm not depressed, I'm not mentally ill, I'm not BP. Maybe I'm simply stubborn and lost. I hate who I am, and I feel like I made myself this way and I told her that. She said I’ve done nothing to deserve this, it’s a chemical imbalance.

BJ,

Well it is good that you asked her.
I mean, you're not performing the procedure, so you don't have to exactly know what it is, but still.
Maybe you WILL get some good effects early. That will be nice.

I understand the impulse to question the dx --esp if you don't see results you want. I don't have good answers. Maybe keep questioning but also keep trusting in the process of going through these steps to get better.
Trust the pdoc. She sounds good.

When my friend had ECT, he was not allowed to drive until they were all finished. I guess people forget where they are going or loose track of directions. Were you told not to drive? Just wondering.

I hope that you are enjoying your weekend knowing that Monday things will start improving for you.

Mari

BJ

I am so impressed with the way you are handling yourself. And I'm
more impressed that you are going through this procedure.

I'm going to be thinking about you on Monday when I'm in my meeting.

Donna

Dear girlie,
You are being way too hard on yourself.
Of course this is an illness, IT IS NOT your fault!
Even so, I want you to know that you have many people on your side...rooting for you.
Know that you are not alone in this...and that we will help to support you in your journey.
Also know that there are many many people who suffer just like you, you are not alone in this suffering either.
I wish you wellness.
and I too will be thinking about you on monday.
(((((HUGS)))):hug:
bizi

Hi BJ
 

Good going. Way to go. I'm proud of you. You have more courage then many,and are going to end up on both feet. Wow. Brokenfriend:hug:

I just want the old me back. I’m just really frustrated right now. I feel I should be able to do what I did when I was well; things like work, and read, and remember things, and not have difficulty doing simple tasks.

I still can’t read. I used to be able to have 5-6 books on the go at any given time. I could leave a book for months and pick up where I left off, remembering the plot, characters and themes from what I had read previously. This seemed like a simple, everyday thing to me.

Now I pick up a book, read a chapter, and sometimes, even while reading that chapter get confused, because I can’t remember who is who, or what is going on. I often read and re-read the same paragraph or pages over again because I get lost and cannot figure out where I got off track. If I read a chapter and put the book down for a couple days and then pick it up again I can’t remember what happened in the previous chapter/chapters, so I become frustrated and feel stupid and lose the desire to keep reading the book.

It’s not just reading. I watch a movie, and a week later I can’t remember most of the plot line. I remember I liked it, or hated it, but can’t remember what it was about.

I feel so stupid, when before I felt like I was very intelligent. It is like I have lost big chunks of memory, or ability to store memories, or ability to learn new things. And now I have to do it all over again and how much memory will I lose this time? Will I even be able to read one page without forgetting what I just read? Will I ever be able to pass the CPA exam when I can’t even read a chapter let alone learn all the formulas and things they say “you must memorize”.

My pdoc told me that my problems are made worse by the way I place negative labels on what is happening. The more negatively I see myself, the more I live up to my own expectations (those are my words, not hers...she said it much better). For example, by calling these things "simple", and then seeing myself unable to do them, I become frustrated that I can’t do "simple" things.

She said the rehabilitation process can take a while and, like someone being rehabilitated to walk again, it can be very frustrating to not just be able to walk like you did before. I guess I thought after my last round of ECTs I would magically become my old self; the self that never really had to try very hard to succeed at anything I tried. And I guess once again I was wrong.

About driving, no I’m not supposed to drive after treatments until my motor and cognitive skills are okay. Last time I was in the hospital so I didn’t have to worry about it. This time I’ll be home but I have to do what I have to do. I still want to get Hooper out to the park and I can’t take that away from her. I do have a GPS and I have to learn to trust what she says. I get lost all the time because I disassociate while I’m driving and I know that. I went to church this morning and got lost coming home. I don’t even remember driving home right now. I have so many things on my mind and I'm so worried about what will happen tomorrow after these treatments.

I hear your frustration....
I can relate to your feelings about your memory.
What you describe sounds like me....now.
Just how I made it thru school is really beyond me.
I think the meds mess with our abilities...maybe I am using that as an excuse.
or maybe it is jsut getting older, or maybe I am getting early altzheimers...it runs in my family....I was taking extra folic acid to help but then got afraid of it.
I need to do crossword puzzles but am so bad at recall that I quit....then I feel stupid.
can't remember movies, stories, vacations...it is like I don't have a long term memory at times.
How do you remember about the past when you are older..."the good old days" when you can remember it to begin with? I am only 45!
sorry to go on in your thread....
I hear your frustration...I really do.
You are very brave to go through with this again....
will be thinking about you tomorrow.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

found this tid bit on another site:
 

Everyone has a myriad of thoughts within our minds each and every day. Thoughts that are useful and good and thoughts that are harmful and don't apply to real life. You have a choice on which thoughts you wish to keep as useful and which ones to toss out like dirty bath water. In other words, you can choose to take that suicidal thought and decide that it is not applicable to you right now. By all means I know that this is not always an easy thing to do. It takes some time and practice to figure out how to do this, but it sure can be helpful.

BJ

I'm thinking of you. I sure wish I'd been able to post yesterday. But thats what happens when you have problems too. So know that I'm thinking
of you too.

Donna

Dear BJ,

'Thinking about you after your first treatment today.

The pdocs are serious about not driving.
People get lost.
Please be careful and take care of yourself.


Mari

Hi BJ
 

I'm thinking about you too. I hope It went OK today BF:hug::hug::hug:

rewrite our own script
 

Dear Friend,
What have you been up to? How are you?


:Writting:

Dear BJ,
I just saw something in my email box about how we need to
"rewrite our own script."
That made sense to me. I think it takes a lot of work and focus to rewrite our own life story, but for some of us, that is what is necessary so that we can move along in a more rewarding and promising direction.
.. . just a thought that I wanted to share.


Mari

HI Mari
 

I'm waiting for the Nurse Practitioner from social services to get a therapist for me. She said that I need therapy once a week. The Abilify didn't work for me,or the Klonipin. She added more Luvox in the morning,and I'm back on Xanax.

I'm down in money,and paying the bills with my former 401K. I got heavily taxed when I withdrew it. I'm waiting forever for that Social Security Disability Hearing with my lawyer. I'm so tired of it all. BF:hug:

Me BP
 

How did it go yesterday? Are you OK? BF:hug:

BJ
 

Haven't heard a thing from you in several day's. Are you OK? BF:hug::hug:

Dear Friend,
I too hope that she is in good hands and on her way to recovery.

She is receiving big deal treatments every other day with general anesthesia.
Also she could be getting extra drugs after the treatments for such things as headaches and nausea.
She'll be back to us when she is ready.

Mari

I see
 

Thank you Mari. I hope that they work for her. She had been through such a hard time. BF

Dear Friend,
You have a good heart.
Mari

I don’t think I can go through these anymore. I had 3 on both sides of my head and so far it’s done nothing but make me feel miserable. I’m so disoriented, my head feels like it’s going to explode and I’ve been so sick from nausea. Wednesday I woke up too soon and it was the most horrible thing to feel my body having a seizure like that. I’m supposed to have another 3 next week on both sides of my head and possibly 6 more after that. I don’t think I can do it.

Hugs
 

Lots of hugs for BJ. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Have you told this to your pdoc?
It's your choice.

Mari

No I haven't told her Mari. She'd be so disappointed in me. I do want these to work, I just don't like the feeling I'm getting with them. I don't remember but I don't think I felt like this when I had them before. I feel detached from my body and don't like the feeling in my head, like a big cotton ball.

Sorry that you are hurting....it is your body and you get to decide what roads to take....
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Call her. She will listen to your concerns.
M.

I called my pdoc last night and told her how I was feeling. She assured me it’s all normal except the migraine-like headache I’m having. She’s going to prescribe something stronger that will hopefully help me sleep too since I can't sleep with my head pounding. She said I should have called her sooner and told her how I was feeling.

She told me doing it on both sides of your head causes more confusion and the feelings I have about being detached are probably just from the headache. Good thing is she’s going to call me to check on me over the weekend several times. She’s convinced the treatments will work since they did last time so I’m going to go ahead with them next week. She said after my treatment on Monday they’re going to use a neuro wrap around my head to alleviate the headaches after. I’ll still probably get headaches but she’s hoping it won’t be as severe.

So glad you called doc and even happier she listened and is helping. I think about you tons and am praying all the time that this will help you and that the confusion and pain dissapears quickly!
PEACE
BMW

She sounds like she is really caring about you.
glad that she has a plan for your headaches.
hopefully you will sleep better tonight.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi