Teach me to Ask for Help
 

Cause I don't know how to let people know how bad I need them or how bad off I am. All my life I have been told by my abusive older brother and then later in life by my abusive ex husband that I'm a pain when I use to need them. If I spoke about my how my husband or my in-laws was hurting me to my older brother my brother would tell me no one wants to hear it. Or he'd tell me I'm such a baby. My husband would tell me I'm always making something out of nothing. I was told these things over and over and it changed me. I would be told things like, I just wanted some one to feel sorry for me and to straighten up. I walked on egg shells whenever I spoke of how bad I felt because I would get yelled at and cussed at something terrible. I even had someone online on another website start ugly things with me when I kept complaining about how bad my life was with my ex. I don't know how to get the attention I need when I'm hurting. I just get hurt and get frustrated because I don't know how to get comforted like most people do.

I can't go on trying to explain how much of an effect the emotional abuse I suffered has on a person. I want to shut that out of my life now. I could not cry for a very long time at one time because the abuse was so bad I had to shut down my emotions to cope.

keep posting in your own thread
 

Dear Barbara,

The board is very slow as you know, but I think that others will be by to help.

Right now I can't help much. I am very tired and not thinking straight.

I think you did a good thing by coming back here, speaking clearly, and giving the board another chance.


That stuff you mention in your post is pretty awful and I can
see why you are hesitant to reach out.


It is hard to re-train ourselves but it can be done. We can change how we communicate with the world.

I'm really sorry that I can't help you more.

Please know that I hope that you can feel better.
And I hope that you can feel better about asking for help too.

Here is one suggestion for now. Maybe you can practice this. Every time someone posts on your thread, post back to them and add some more. This keeps your thread on the top of the page and it keeps people interested in your situation. It keeps up the level of interaction.
How have your days been? Are you with other people?


Mari

Hi Barbara
 

Well, First,

you just did. By starting this thread, you have already asked for a specific kind of help. How did you do it - the title makes a specific request. making a specific request is a good, clear way to ask for help.

I understand what you have described... conceptually... emotionally i cannot imagine the extent of what you have endured, and it must be really awful. I would encourage you to find a therapist with whom you can learn once again to trust... choosing the right people to trust, too.

It is not your fault you were abused and in so many different circumstances. And trust issues are a natural consequence of that, as is the kind of emotional shutdown you describe. It would be good to work on resolving that - it is a part of putting the abuse behind you. Because that history has "trained" you and thus is still keeping you from reaching out - which is a healthy behavior. Until you relearn how to reach out again comfortably, and within safe boundaries, you are still a victim of the abuse.

A therapist is the best person to help you relearn this because it is complex, and best handled with a real person sitting with you, and one who is trained in these issues. i don't know if you've done DV counseling... if not that might be a place to start. if you have, you could still call and say you are still having these issues and go from there... they may suggest you resume DV counseling, or give you suggestions or referrals for different counseling. But you do need a pro for that.

As far as how to tell us you need us. A simple statement can go a long way.
"Please help me."
"I feel really rotten right now/am feeling abandoned AND I really need support from you guys. Please reply."
"I am really at a loss on... (whatever issue you are posting about); please help me with this."

just very plain vanilla, direct statements. if you can manage to do that it will be a big help to us in knowing when you are in need.

I am glad to see you posting again, and asking for help. :hug:

~ waves ~

Even if you don't think you can type the words asking...you can give a clue by using the help icon http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/im...consb/help.gif.

Barbara, what kind of help works best for you?

Do you want advice, ideas, for us to listen and acknowledge?

Ihave physical pain 24/7. Some days worse than others. I very rarely if ever ask for help. :o I struggle through the pain.

A little signal works well now. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I will rub my thighs. Heck..it's the only way sometimes I can get feeling in them. :wink: When my husband or family sees this now, they know I can't move or get up from my chair.

So if you have one of those times, where you can't even ask, just use the http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/im...consb/help.gif and we'll know.

Thank you all. This is really very emotional for me. I will try to get back to all of you but it's just so draining for me. Writing about the abuse gets me to crying too bad as it's almost like I am reliving it. It's like all those years of surpressing my tears that now that I can cry it won't stop. It was very hard for me to start this post. Perhaps this in itself is part of the healing process.

I do see a DV counselor but not often enough. I can either see her or a student counselor and I'd rather have the experienced one.

Dear Barbara,
Yes, I believe that the DV counselor can help.
And let her know that you are not doing well.
Sometimes I have to point out the obvious to my people too.
Lots of hugs.
M.

Yes crying is hard
but it lets us know that we have emotions
instead of just being numb.
Try to just take it today,
are you getting out of the house?
I am sorry that this is so hard....keep making baby steps.
((((HUG))))
beth:hug:

Need you all
 

I get out of the house from time to time but not enough. Although lately I have been getting out a lot to take care of business.

Long story short my landlord is a slum lord. I have made a request in writing for him to fix a health issue. Since it will be costly to him he has decided to harrass me so I will move and he won't have to fix the problem. Things like them locking my clothes in the laundry mat to putting a difficult woman in next door to me in what use to be the model apartment. I've had my mail missing and other such things to distress me. The people that I thought were my friends here will not get involved in my defense because they're scared. My next door neigbhor told me today she was going to beat my ****. I told her here I am to bring it on. She just ran her mouth though and called me vulgar names. The cops came and come to find out it's not against the law to threaten someone. I had to get her for cursing me and abuse. One night my clothes got locked in the laundry mat on purpose to intimadate me. I could use some friends to hang in there with me and offer advice or comfort me when they can. I hate to be so problamatic but I"m going to need as much support I can get and ideas as to what to do. I will talk more about it as time goes on.

I guess I feel like my mind and body are on overload tonight. Too much stress for too long.

barbara

On the landlord thing be sure to write down times, names ,dates things happen and what happened.
evidence - take pictures of anything that might help you prove something.
save any messages on your phone or record any harassing calls if you can.

Do you watch those court shows on tv?
They are kind of good for showing what is needed as proof.
many landlord /tenet cases :(

Oh you might check your county health or housing dept website and find out if any laws are being broken by landlord.
Or if an inspection can be requested??

Next time mail is missing report that to post office.
I'm pretty sure tampering with mail is a federal offense.

About all I can think to do about the yucky neighbor is to totally ignore her- don't look at her , don't talk to her..., pretend she isn't even there.

Thank you Jo. I have started to write down stuff a few months ago and have taken some pictures. I need to take more pictures and such though while I am still here. I have one of the ring leaders that helps the landlord had a freind of hers call me and harrass me. That is on tape. So far there' nothing but circumstancial evidence. I had the detective who handled the fraud a different neighbor did on stealing my credit card from me talk to me today. He said if I need him again to call him. I'm going to see how he can advice me also.

barbara

Hi Barbara
 

I don't really have additionial suggestions - Jo had some good ones - as to the landlord situation.

I'm glad you will be talking to that detective. He sounds like a good ally. Another thing i have heard of is people calling Legal Aid for stuff like this... i believe it is a free service, but i am very ignorant about that.... maybe someone else knows more on it... Or perhaps you can find it in the phone book or on the internet, and make a call to find out more.

Well, I'm rooting for you. There has to be a way to get them. Whatever you do, avoid direct confrontations, even if there are witnesses, or retaliatory actions, both of which could then be turned against you. Lying low and stockpiling evidence sounds like the best bet. It sounds like your friends there would be too scared to testify as witnesses as they are victims of the same rat that you are.

Is moving an option? Is it ok for me to ask why you still want to live there, with such bad blood running around? I think i would want to get out... but that is me.

If you don't want to answer, that is ok - there is no need to justify yourself. I understand that you do still want to live there whatever your reason, and regardless, you certainly have the right not to get treated the way you are being treated.

I am just asking because i would see moving as a very good alternative to living in such an environment as this. You are a brave woman.


hang in there!

~ waves ~

Thank you Waves. I do plan to move asp. First I need to find a place to live. I do plan to sock it to the landloard when I'm away though. I'm going to shake his tree and see what falls out figuretively speaking.

barbara

Now that DOES sound like a plan!!! WHOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOEY!!!! GO BARBARA!!! heheheh!!


:Dancing-Chilli::Excited::Dancing-Chilli:

Will you be dealing with lease issues?
this could also be a problem with security deposits.
I am hoping that you find a new place real soon....you deserve to be around nice people and treated with respect.
beth

Thank you Waves and Bizi.

Today I went by two apartments. I have an appointment to talk with one lady about a 2 bedroom apartment that is affordable. Some one recomended it to me.

I'm just so emotionally and mentally drained with so much to think about.

Hi Barbara...
 

would you like to pop in?
Have you talked to the apartment lady yet?
How are you feeling today?

:hug:

~ waves ~

Stressed
 

Hi Waves,

I did not go talk to the lady about the apartment yesterday. I have something better in mind I'd like pursue.

Could be trigger:

.
.
.
.
.

I don't know if I posted before about the history I've had with the neighbor who moved next door to me or not. I've kicked her out of my apartment one day not long after her and I became neighbors. She's an instigator and that was why I kicked her out that day. In retaliation she called the cops on me twice for something I was not guilty of. The
1st time she said my music was too loud. Well, I told her last weekend I didn't want anything to do with her to not bother me. She retaliated by threatening me 3 times. When she did it to my face I told her here I am and of course she was all mouth. The cops came and I filed a charge against her. Today she followed me around the parking lot in her car and threatened me again. Today though she cursed and threatened me because she got served with the papers today for the charge I have against her. The cop told me if I want to file charges today she will likely get jail time. He said they don't take kindly to someone threatening a witness which was the case.

Barbara

oh man!
 

This woman does not sound safe to have around. :eek:

Filing charges again might be the way to go. I wonder if you can find out whether she will be eligible for bail, first. You do need to be safe, and she lives right next door.

So i don't really know what to say. File, or not. I think i would want to file, but would go down and talk to the cops about the possibility of her still being out and about with increasing malintent. Then make the decision based on what they say. I wonder if it is possible to "file a complaint" as opposed to charges... i wonder if there would be any distinction. Maybe you could ask that. Basically for them to have a record of what happened today - that does seems important for the whole legal process. I don't know. This is very troubling.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you have not already done so, do reschedule the meeting for the other apartment... you need to get out of that place ASAP as i see it. :( :o

Thank you Waves. I am going to wait and see how she acts now as to whether or not to file a complaint against her again. If I file charges for today she won't stay in jail for long. I have an appointment with my lawyer on Tuesday so I will also talk to her. Although my lawyer does not deal in cases like this. The cops had her trapped in. She was stalking me also by driving around the property and following me in her car.

Barbara

Oh this sounds awful for you to have to deal with Barbara.
I am sorry that she is so abusive and threatening.
I am glad that you are meeting with your lawyer soon.
Are you still able to see your DV counselor?
Have you a regular therapist that you could talk to?
Most of us who have mental health issues have therapists to talk to.
They can help you talk through all of this.
It sounds really hard to handle.
You are doing well keeping up with it all.
beth

Beth,

I will have to check to see when my next appointment is with my DV counselor. It would cost me too much money to see a private counselor. My DV counselor is too busy to see me too often. She is free though as she's a goverment worker.

I have decided to go ahead and file charges against her after hearing and noticing some things later today. She threatened the other neighbor today so she would not testify against her in my case. Also, I have good reason to believe she has the lady across the street from me watching me leave my apartment. The lady across the street doing this would love to see something bad happen to me since she got talked to by detectives for stealing my credit card number.

barbara

Sounds like you live with a bunch of undesireables.
HOpefully you will find a new place soon.
beth

Hi Beth,

Yes, the neighbors are less disirerables.

I can not decide whether or not to charge her for yesterday or not. I believe I can use it as an ace in the hole though cause it's not like I have to charge her within a short time I believe.

Dear Befuddled,
I see that you are dealing with quite a bit.
You seem to be handling it as well as can be expected.
Somehow you ended up in a snake pit.
Keep strong. Remember who you are and what keeps you going and keeps you happy. Focus on a happy moment here and there when you can.

I hope that you can work it out.

M.

Thank you.

Hi all,

I am sad today because it has come to the point of the onwer of my apartment complex finally trapping the wild cats. I tried for months last year to try to get the one lady who feed them back them to have the animal volunteer orgainization CARE to take care of the wild cats shots and to free them of fleas. The fleas were infesting hte whole neighborhood and I have scars from where they bit me and I scratched. THe lady told me 5 times that the cats were here before me. I even got the lady from CARE to talk to this lady. The lady told the CARE worker that the cats don't come in my yard. All becuase of a woman named Pat who is like a Queen Bee around the neighborhood is in good with the owners that her crownies think they can walk all over people. Well, because of their attitude the cats are not paying for it with being trapped and carried to the shelter

oooooh
 

how sad. :( poor kitties. :( i understand how you must feel Barbara.

you tried. at least you did try to help the kitties. you tried hard too. i appreciate that. :hug: it must be so frustrating for you as well as sad.

it is just not fair. :(

~ waves ~ a cat lover

Hi Waves,

Yes, I do feel bad cause I love cats or any other animal.

you tried:(
maybe there is an animal rescuewho works in conjunction with the shleter to help adopt out the cats.
we have such an organization and that is how we got our new kitty hazel in my avatar.
beth

There is a farm in the country that takes in wild cats. That's about all the hope they have.

barbara

Barb

I've been reading and catching up.

I would like to suggest that you check out the laws again with either your
lawyer or someone that knows. But there is a chance that if this
particular neighbor is doing the stalking and things. And is considered
a danger to you and others. That either she or you would be moved
to a safer location. (Safer being you, or her being moved because she
is violating a restraining order).

See if you file against her, since she is already stalking you. You would
then need to file a restraining order against her. So that hopefully
it would protect you. So I would ask that it be that she can't be the
amount of feet between your apartments.

Donna

Donna,

Where I live I can not get a restraining order on her and the landlord can rent to who and where to put them which ever way he wants to. The landlord has said he would move her to another apartment but he never does what he says.

Last night helped
 

I had some beers last night and it was just the escape I needed from all my problems to get my priorities straight. I've decided to tackle one thing at a time. I have court with the landlord on Tuesday and night school the night before that and again on Wednesday. So between now and then I will only deal with those two things until then. After that I can concentrate on court in a month with my next door neighbor and go to school also. I do not need to be running around and racking out my brains yet with filing more charges against my next door neighbor. I also need to put my effort into moving, following through with Social Security in getting my ex's benefits, and following though with my claim on other things concerning my ex. My lawyer is taking all my money and not doing anything. I will be taking some matters into my own hands with my ex's estate. I have never been this clear about what I need to do and in what order for awhile. I feel good about things for a change today.

I do best with sorting things out like that too.
Too many things at once - and I go in circles.

I like to make a list and number things:o
then one by one I can check them off
:grouphug:

Dear Barbara,
I am so happy for you for some clarity.
I did not know that you were taking a nite class..is that the photography one?
you are heading in a good direction it sounds.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Barb

I believe you are handling all the stress very well right now.

And I also believe things are going very well right now. Give it
time and keep thinking straight.

I'm so proud of you, and I know you can get through this.

Donna

Thank you Jo, Beth, and Donna.

Jo, my head had started to swim in circles literally so it's a relief to prioritize.

Beth, the class I am taking now is a Web Page Design class. I had to give up the photography class last year due to illness. My ride canceled on me this past Wendsday so I missed the 2nd night.

Thank you Donna.

I want to give up
 

on everything. I've missed 2 night classes in a row now due to 2 different people not being able to take me. I have night blindness. I wasted all that money. My lawyer has let me down and I'm tired of trying to get her to respond to me. I go to court with my landlord tomorrow and then I go to court with my next door neighbor in 3 weeks. I'm just so fed up with everything being hard on me and things not working out. I just want to forget everything and not worry about ever getting trained for a job. Sometimes being everyone's dormat doesn't seem all that bad now. I hate having to make all the decisions, be the only one I can depend on while others let me down. I'm just going to give up and call Welfare this week and see what help I can get. If trying to get to class for training for a job is impossible than actually making a living would also be impossible. I'll hit all the food banks in town and drink beer with my check like a lot do here where I live. I'm tired of trying to make my own way. I don't think I was meant to do better with my life. Drinking is fun so maybe that's the life I am destined to live. Drinking is the only thing that makes me not care. It's when I care that I can not deal. I can't deal with the way my life is turning out. I'm sure my landlord will try to get me removed from my apartment somehow. I don't care. That's why I plan to calll Welfare up and tell them I need their help. If they can't help I don't know what I'll do.

Barb , I think you are feeling overwhelmed right now, maybe take a day off from all the worries.
Maybe go for a walk, listen to some music, try some mediation or breathing & relaxation techniques, do some exercises or dancing:)

Something to release the tension and get the blood pumping.

I know that drinking can be fun, it also kills brain cells....and can cause early altzheimers symptoms over a long period of time.
People use alcohol for different reasons.
You know alot of people who use this as a crutch, it can be a coping mechanism...maybe not the best path to take.
Only you can decide...It is your life to live as you see fit.
I just drank a bottle of wine tonight to deal with my social anixiety issues, we went to a friends house to socialize which makes me nervous and uncomfortable so I drink.
This is abusing alcohol and I know it.
Is it healthy?
no

Do I have a drinking problem?
perhaps....



anyway.
I am sorry that you are feeling frustrated and that people are letting you down.
Is there anyway you can take the bus to your class? or a taxi if it is close by?
YOu sound like you are hurting and I am sorry for that.
beth

Jo, I am overwhelmed with things and it's hard to take a day off of it all. With the paper thin walls I can not play my music too loud as my neighbor whom I have all the trouble with loves to call the cops or bang on the wall. It's too cold to walk, I can't yell and scream or even talk to too loud as my next door neighbor loves to eavesdrop. It would not be so bad if she was the type of person not to use anything she hears against you but she's not.

Bizi, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do was to quit smoking so I should know better than to turn to booze for a crutch. It just seems like the thing to do when all the neighbors do it. I do think that getting drunk once in a while is the only way to get a break from things being overwhelming.