I am new and don't know if this is where I can post!
 

Hi my name is Jen, and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideation for years. But lately it's been worse. I know what people say about suicide, and I know the stigma that goes along with it. I just want people to know that I don't know what happens afterwards, but I don't know how much longer I can take it. I am hopeless and helpless, and don't want to end up back in the hospital for over the 30th time.
My 30th Birthday is coming soon, and I can't wait till I get out of my 20s. My 20s and teens have been hell for me, i just hope my 30s will be better. But if my year keeps going like it has been I don't see any point to it.
i want to quit my meds and quit seeing my counselor...don't get me wrong my counselor has been the best thing for me, I just don't want to waste anymore of her time. I feel there are so many more people out there much more important than me, and have a better chance than I do. I don't know, maybe am overreacting, but this is how I feel. I feel like my life is going down hill fast.
I live with my dad and step-mom due to financial difficulties and because of my mental health. I am not sure but I think they want me to leave. i would love to live on my own again, but can't afford it. I have been forced to take a 14 week leave of absence from work due to high anxiety. I couldn't even make it through a 4 hour work day becuase I would panic.
i am at a loss for what to do. I don't know if I should just give in and give up, which would be the easiest thing for me to do, but then I have a huge family. I don't want to hurt anyone but myself. i wish there was an easier way.
Thanks for listening,
Jen

:hug: Jen

I moved your post to the main SOS forum for you

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but I am thankful you have found this forum where I know you will receive much support and care and understanding

:grouphug:

Hi Jen, Very pleased to meet you:hug: I am so sorry that you have had such a hard time! I can relate a bit......My younger years were horrible for me, I "attempted" many times,,,like you......It's a horrid way to live.

Please know that it DOES get better,,perhaps as you said, now that you are out of your 20's,,you can get thru things better? I for one urge you to keep trying! PLEASE?? You are most likely a WONDERFUL person with so much to offer!:) How sad it would be to give up!

These forums are filled with others like us...I will pray for you my dear!:hug:

Hi Jen...:hug::hug::hug:ssssss You have landed in a good place. It helps to talk about how you feel. We are here to listen, and offer support. There is a lot of good information as well. There are ways to fight those suicidal thoughts. I have done it all my life. And I still do it. Life can be worth living...:) please hang in there...sending you lots of prayers...:grouphug:

Welcome Jen :hug:

The thing I can suggest you is, try to live day, by day... well, if you can minute by minute even better... avoid thinking "oh... 10 more years with this..." Try to think: "Right now, I have this, and feel like this.... but the next minute, I can start to feel better..." :o

Always do what you feel you need (WAIT ! Im not talking about suicide...) I mean, if you need a nap, take it... if you need to cry, cry... if you want a chocolate, eat it... right now is the only thing that matters...
Step by step...

Im sure you will find great friends here.

Come here, talk... that helps A LOT. Trust me.

:grouphug:

Thanks to all that have responded. I have tried taking some of your advise by living min. by min. or taking a nap. I feel worse then ever right now. The worst this is that this is a secret in my family. I live with my dad and step-mom but they think I am just anxious. I don't want to even leave my room. I don't want to live anymore. I think it's time to just hang out the white flag and give up. I don't know, no more hospital stays, have been through too many of them. i don't know what else to do. I don't know how to feel anymore, have to put on the happy face for family and friends. It's hard to do that, have been doing that for years, and it's getting harder and harder.

Hi Jen and welcome to our family. I'm on vacation so don't have easy access to a computer but wanted to check in and found your post.
We lost our only son to suicide about 19 years ago and it changed our family forever...I wasn't sure we'd all survive it but we did. YOu say you have a large family....please don't put them through this nightmare.

At the top of the forum are some stickies...I copied one for you...

What to do if you are alone and thinking about suicide.
Sit down and breathe deeply. Breathe deeply again and again.

Turn on the lights or open a door or window.

Pick up the phone and call a friend, even if you have to call collect. Talk to the operator
if you don't have strength to dial the number.

Say your name out loud. Say your friends' names out loud. Repeat and combine these
names with your name.

Cry, even if it means weeping bitterly. Scream; "God, why am I in such despair? Why
did you do this to me? Tell me why."

Pray. Say: "God, help me. Please give me a reason to live."

Touch yourself. Feel the rapid beating of your heart.

Turn on the television, radio, or stereo.

Close your eyes and think about The Wizard of Oz or chocolate ice cream or giraffes.

Get out a photo album and look at the pictures of your family and friends.

If you have a pet, pick it up and hold it tightly.

When you have the strength, get out from where you are. Go to the movies.
Go to the shopping mall. Go to a neighbor's or a friend's house. If you
are afraid to drive, run as fast as you can for as long as you can.

Get yourself to where there are people.

****************

Staying alone in your room is not a good idea but talking about what you are feeling is.....you'll find a lot of caring people here. Please stay strong and remember that suicide isn't the answer..it's a "forever decision". :hug:

Hi Jen,
I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Actually the most difficult time for me in my life was in my 20's really. I just didn't feel that I belonged anywhere. Thankfully that changed and by the time I was in my late 20's early 30's, I'd found a lot of joy and peace that I didn't ever think I would find.

You mention wanting to quit taking your medications and quit seeing your counsellor because you feel you're wasting her time. Quoting your message here "I feel there are so many more people out there much more important than me, and have a better chance than I do".

Frankly, this is just my suggestion, but I wouldn't change anything at all for now especially if you're in a crisis.

If you feel the meds aren't helping, then go talk with the prescribing doctor, but please don't just stop taking them suddenly as that might make you feel even worse. Maybe your medication needs a change or a tweak, but don't do anything like stopping them cold turkey. Please.

If you feel that you're not getting anywhere with your counsellor you could maybe get in to see someone else but please don't just stop seeing a counsellor altogether. Not yet.

Please confide in your family. If that is totally impossible and I understand what that is like, then confide in a very close friend or another relative that you are close to because you need to let those around you know how desperate you are feeling. If you keep up that "happy face" for your family and friends, then they won't know how to support or comfort you. :hug:

Being depressed is not a sign of failure or a sign that you're wasting people's time. It's a sign of fragility and it's very, very common. You aren't wasting anyone's time by reaching out to them for help. It's actually a sign of strength and courage... a good step.

Hi Jen,,,I just wanted to say.....Hope this comes out right.......
The "average" life expectancy is around 80?? So you have only experienced a small portion of what your life will be....It really CAN change for the better!! For myself, I started getting out of my depression after age 40 {don't worry, I'm a slow one}....

I all of a sudden felt good, I tell everyone I ran away from home at age 40 LOL....But it's the truth....I had a bad accident & it left me with many forever injuries, including a Brain injury, BUT...it turned out to be "ALL GOOD" ,,it changed my life for the better.

I know the last thing you probably feel like doing is helping someone...BUT, when you do this, it helps YOU to heal...People used to tell me I was so nice to help & I would say, "thank you, but it's really selfishness,, cause it makes ME feel better"! lol...it really does...
Just my silly, crazy input...lol..Maybe it will help you..I hope so

Thank you all for your comfort. I really truly appreciate it. It makes me wonder how many out there suffer silently. I in a way do because I don't share hardly anything with my family or friends. I don't want to worry them or cause them to call my family with worry. That would just make things worse, I mean a lot worse. I am suffering a lot today, as I don't know what to do with myself. I am scared and lonely. I have talked with people online, but I feel that isn't enough. I have no intention on going to the hospital as this would just cause problems. I don't know what to do. i am scared, but not to the point that I need immediate help, at least I don't think so, other's say different. Anyway, thanks for listening and helping me out.

Jen if you don't want to tell your family, or take yourself to the hospital, please call a hotline....http://suicidehotlines.com/wisconsin.html

I don't know where you live in Wisc. but I know that state has excellent services for suicide prevention and support. Please call...no one need know. Also, click on my signature and read it also. :hug:

Jen29

Do me a favour.......................................hear this song and if possible watch the film.......[i promise we will talk again]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARk86oIHlLc


WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TIME:hug:


David:hug:

Thanks for that, I love that movie, it's really sad but good. Speaking of angels. My grandmother died 11 years ago or so now, and I think of her as my angel. I don't think she would want to see me suffer as I am now. I think she would want me to be at peace, I don't know what to do, am at a loss. I did call my T. and maybe she'll call me back, but am not going to count on it.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I appreciate your comments and will think them over. you have all been so nice to a person you don't even know. I don't know if I am worth this much, cause I certainly don't feel it. I feel dull and boring, and of corse worthless. i feel like a piece of crap that isn't worth anyone's time.
I don't mean to be such a downer...I just am saying what am feeling. I hate myself, and have to find someway to fix it or something bad is going to happen...i can feel it. I don't know the first step or what I should even be doing. I know that something has to happen, I just don't know what.

Hi dear Jen....no, your grandmother doesn't want to see you suffer. Feel her wrap her arms around you. Think about how much you love her, and she you, and let that touch your heart. Do you honestly believe she would want you to end your young life right now?? She must have lived through a lot in her own life, and can give you strength. Think on the things that she might have taught you, what would she tell you right now?? How beautiful and strong you are, and how much she loves you? I would bet on it. I know its hard sweet Jen. Please give yourself a little time, and reach out. :o :hug: :grouphug:

My grandmother was the sweetest person on the face of the earth. She didn't deserve to go the way she went. She went so fast because of the cancer. Six weeks to the day of diagnosis she died. How fair is that? I want to be with her. I want to really feel her hug me and wipe my tears away. I want her to tell me everything is going to be ok. But that's not going to happen. Things are not going to be ok. I need/want to be with her now. I miss her so much it hurts.

Jen, have you read into some of the stories here on NT? There really are MANY that share our,,Your,,feelings! I also understand when you say you don't want to worry your family! I did the same & still have NO idea why?? Why didn't I want them to know?? But anyway...I hear ya!
Scared,,,do you know of what? I finally figured why I used to be.....but that can wait...Right now I want you to know that at the very least...you never have to be lonely again,,,,you have new friends right here! Please always know this & never feel afraid to reach out....No one here will judge you!.....

Jen...life isn't always fair from our perspective, we don't see through God's eyes to understand why things happen the way they do. Again, I have to ask you, what do you think your grandmother would say to you right now? Please call the hotline sweet Jen. And keep talking. You CAN get through this, and life CAN get better, life right here......:hug:

you guys have been great to me, and I really appreciate it. My Therapist still hasn't called and am getting desperate. I know i shouldn't count on people because in the end I get dissapointed. I always do, and should know better by now.

Jen, have you heard back from your T? If not you might think about calling them again and letting them know it's urgent you speak with them.

I'm very sorry to read about the terrible pain you feel from losing your grandmother. It does hurt, I know.

You said your grandmother wouldn't want to see you suffer as you are now and that she would want to you be at peace. Yes, I'm sure you're right that she wouldn't want you to suffer, but she would want you to live a long and peaceful life. It is possible.

Just get through this crisis today. Phone your T. Phone a friend... ask them to come be with you. Just for comfort. Just so you know that someone who cares about you is there with you. Are your Dad and stepMom home right now?

Call your therapist again and leave a message if you need to do that but tell them it's urgent you speak with them.

Yeah, people can be disappointing sometimes but your T might not be available and may not know it's urgent unless you tell them it is. Has your T ever talked to you about a back-up plan if they're not immediately available? Someone who covers for them when they're away, or anything like that?


Other than that you could call the hotline number for the area in your State that was posted earlier. We are not professional counsellors.

http://suicidehotlines.com/wisconsin.html

:hug:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/whe...or-depression/
How to Help Yourself if You Are Depressed

I just heard back from my T. I called her again actually and she was just getting ready to call me. Things are ok for now. I told her I would wait till wed. when I see her to make up my mind about living. I soooo want to be with my grandma.

:hug::hug:sssss...Maybe it would help to talk about your grandma. It sounds like she loved you very much. I really am sorry, too, that you are missing her. I know it is really hard to get over something like that. We all lose people that we love. They are our angels, watching over us. She wants you to be happy right here sweet Jen. :hug:

I'm glad you heard back from your T doc. Keep fighting, you are worth it, and so is life. There are good things in life right here that make it worth living. :hug:

Jen, that's really good that she phoned you back and you've been able to talk with her right now. I'm glad that's helped you feel a little better. Excellent news.

:hug:

Hi Jen
 

You're in the right place here. I have nothing but compassion for you,and I understand panic,stress,depression,OCD,and suicidal thoughts.

My bouts with anxiety started younger then I'm aware of. My family said I had a low cry I guess when I was a baby. I had OCD symptoms before I was ten. Whatever it is it hurt my reading ability,and I ended up in Military School when I was about 16. Things where alright at first,but things happened,and I started having panic attacks,and anxiety that made me stiff in my neck,and shakey,and tense all over.

Please be patient. You will make it,just don't quit please. There is a reason for you to exist,though it seems dark right now.

Please keep taking your medicines,and keep seeing your counselor. You are worth the time. You are of value,just as much as any of us.

Try to stay where you are right now. I don't think you should move out,because that would cause more anxiety,and confusion. Please stay where you are.

When you say panic,I deeply understand how devistating that can be. I know how that is,and how misunderstood the condition is.

Our doctors,and scientists need to help us a little more with this condition. Society needs to remove the stigma more then they have,but it's more understood now then ever before. Things are slowly changing. Brokenfriend :hug::hug::hug:

Jen
 

This SOS forum,and the Bipolar forum are well monitored. Feel free to come to the Bipolar forum also. Welcome to Neurotalk. We want to help you. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thanks for being so nice to me!
 

To everyone that has read and responded. Thanks so much for all your support. It's morning now, and I thought after talking with my therapist I would feel a bit better, but the truth is that I don't. I thought talking about being suicidal and feeling of hurting myself would help me. It did at the moment, but feel just as bad.
I was very very very close to leaving the house last night and going to a bridge that I love. I obsess over it, because it is my plan to end it all. That leaded me to think about all the pills in my room that I have. I couldn't get it out of my mind, and was getting really scared and anxious. I haven't come this close in a while. I didn't do anything, i just hope today will be a little bit easier.
Anyways, thanks for listening.
Jenni

We will always listen Jenn, I hope you will. :grouphug:

Good morning sweet Jen...I am happy to see that you survived the night, and the morning. :hug: You are very much in my prayers. Illnesses don't generally improve overnight. It takes time, personal effort, and loving help. Nothing worth having comes to us very easily. Sometimes (especially people like us), have to fight for it. I don't pretend to know why. I just know it is true. :)

I also know that the battle is worth it. It can be a long hard arduous journey, but, like taking a hike, or climbing a mountain, there is much beauty to be experienced along the way. We just have to go looking for it. Try doing small things at first that you enjoy. :hug:

You are doing a very important thing right now by reaching out and surviving. Sometimes that is all we can do, until things start to get better. One tiny baby step at a time, one foot in front of the other, and a whole lot of faith. :hug:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jloQ6...eature=related

Please keep choosing life dear friend, you don't know right now what joys await you just a little ways down the road. You have to be in this life, here, right now, to get there. :hug:

Many of us here are, and have been, where you are right now, and we can see ahead. Let us help you, and give you some hope. :)

Goodmorning Jen, I'm so happy you are still here with us! Rough nites S$#K! The days are sometimes easier.....My sis also has a Favorite Bridge in mind,,,,

Most of my family from Mom down to her grandkids are afflicted with this horrible condition! We haven't lost anyone yet....but many attempts by all of us! Could be genetics??? I truely believe this is a Medical condition, but because it is sooo personal, some people think it's all in ya head!....It goes hand-n-hand but it is a Medical Condition.....NOT Your fault,,,,You did Nothing Wrong....Yes, Unfair as hell, but it's there....

Tell us about yourself! What do you do for fun? What makes You SMILE???
Gardening makes me SMILE, Pets, fish,,,Beautiful, Sweet smelling flowers, CHOCOLATE!

Also,,,I NEED to share this with you...I have no idea what, or if you Believe in,,,,God, Christ, Buddha, Allah, nothing,???? It does not matter to me, For me it is Christ! My hubby...Allah, Best friend...Nothing, Best Doctor EVER...Buddha...........
But this is what someone told me at my weakest time: They PROMISED,,,if I read the BIBLE every day, even just one sentence a day,,,each day my life would get better....
I could not read well after my accident, never mind understand what I read....BUT THEY WERE RIGHT!!!!! Each day I just starting feeling better...here I am 9 years later, a Broken body but a Happy Soul!!!

Jen
quote from Alffe 'We will always listen Jenn, I hope you will':hug:

These are wise words Jen please hear the message.

When you get overwhelming feelings of impending doom, desperation, sadness, despair................don't hang around waiting for any doctor to call you back............get your self to the ER as soon as possible......don't think to collect things or hesitate thinking i will wait ten more mins for someone to respond to my cry for help..............take yourself straight to hospital....tell them when you arrive you feel suicidal...........it does not matter if you do it every day for a week.............what it will do is raise enough concern from the medical staff that you need assistance.......it may mean a stay in hospital...........if thats whats needed............do it............if a medication change is required..........take it..............
Jen by entering this forum you reached out to many souls...........many are now responding to your...........anguish...............hold tight to these hands of help...don't let go of them..............in time you will understand your feelings are through deeper rooted depression.............and with the right treatment, med, hospitalisation, therapy...or whatever that may be .........this time will pass.......i promise you..........but you must be willing to help yourself rid these damn awful thoughts from your mind..........and thats where medical intervention is vital to your well being...........

at the moment life is a toil, an effort, a nightmare..............but it can be altered, changed,improved...........................tomorro w is another day.........and yes there is light at the end of the tunnel..............i know for a fact.....i find it every day.


David

Thanks for that, my night was hell, and so far is my day. I am just so fed up with it all.
As for me, I am 29 soon to be 30 on the 22nd. I like to be with my friends, well, at least try and be with them. I am dissociating a lot lately. I am totally not myself, and it's hard to be around people. My good friend is graduating college on Friday and I am going to go. I am scared that there are going to be so many people there that am going to panic, or something bad is going to happen. I don't want to dissapoint her, but I don't know how I am going to make it through. I don't have anyone to go with, so maybe will try and just go and be. I know that she is counting on me, and that kinda sucks too. I want to die so bad, I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't count on myself for anything anymore.

How about music, or prayer, to help you through? Do you have something small that means something special to you? Maybe you can take it with you to the graduation, and it will help you, if you start to feel panicky.....:hug: Be careful, and try to take care of yourself. Find something, somewhere, that will make you smile. :hug:

:hug: Jen, lower your expectations..Try to remember that the black hole you are in has sides...we are there, wanting to hold you up. And you can do this...nothing succeeds like success. Be a survivor..not a victim. :hug:

((Jen)) I am glad you found your way here :hug: As you can already tell from all the loving supportive post, this is a great group of people :hug:

I am truly sorry to hear of the pain and hopelessness you are feeling. Many of us here also know about anxiety and how difficult it can be to deal with. I am very glad you decided to meet with your therapist and will pray she is able to help you find some peace.

I was reading about how much you love and miss your grandmother.....Brought tears to my eyes. You also said, you didn't think she wants you to suffer, and that she would want you to find peace..... ((Jen)) I am sure these things are very true... But, I do not believe she would want you to find your peace through suicide.

I think it would bring more joy to her heart, and yours, if you could find a way to live in this world with love for YOURSELF. It made me so sad reading about how you feel you are not worthy, that you hate yourself..... You said you had to find a way to fix that.... how can I/we help you do that? You ARE worthy and I dare to venture you have family and friends who love you greatly.

Like ((Alffe)) I also lost someone I greatly love to suicide. My Dad took his life last year. It hurts as nothing ever has. It hurt so badly I wanted to die so I could be with him. Suicide isn't the answer. All it does is spread the pain to those left behind. :Sob:

This might seems harsh, but it is NOT meant to hurt you, only to make you try to think from another view point :hug: Think about how much you miss your grandmother... then try to think about ALL the people who love you. Your family who may not always understand you, but who I assure you, do love you greatly!!! Please, don't take yourself from them, don't make them miss you......

You have been fighting these thoughts for years. The strength and courage it took just to post here shows you are a survivor! Don't give up, keep searching for the tools and help you need to keep fighting. Keep reaching out ((Jen))... that is the answer. :hug: Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Nikki

Hi Jen
 

You have your whole life ahead of you,and things will get better. I'm sorry that you are going through a ruff time.

What I do is read the Psalms in the Bible,and things like that. It brings much comfort to me.

Take one step at a time. I thought that I was the only person in the world who had these phobias,dreads,and depression. I had a hard time getting help at first.

Did you see that movie,"What about Bob"? When I saw that movie I realized that I truly wasn't the only one with phobias. Two people where taking in the movie,and Bill Murray said I have that too. Anyway I felt better after I saw that movie.

There is also a National Phobia Society. There's ton's of information out there now.

My family is not very friendly to me either. They don't understand,and they give up. The thing is you probably inherited the phobia trait from your dad's side of the family,or your mothers. It may go back several generations.

Remember. One day at a time. BF:hug::hug::hug:

:hug:((Jen)):hug:

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l...age1333111.jpg

((Jen)) Wondering how your doctor appointment went today and how you are feeling.... know that we care and we are here for you.:hug: Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers :hug::hug:

JEN29

TALK:grouphug:
David:hug:

((Jen)) Thinking of you :hug: When you can, please check in :hug:

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l...u/thinking.jpg