How to deal with thoughtless people
 

It's All in Your Head

And Other Thoughtless Things Said!


How often have you been accused of whining or being a hypochondriac? Do people think you are just a complainer, an attention-seeker, when depression makes it difficult for you to cope with daily life? Are you told that "there is absolutely nothing wrong with you"? Do people tell you to "get over yourself"? I am sure that everyone with bipolar disorder have had those completely thoughtless things said which we can quote verbatim five, ten and even thirty years down the road.
Sometimes those with whom we interact can be narrow-minded and cutting. And, for every person who says something deliberately hurtful to a person with mental illness, there are a dozen who say things thoughtlessly or out of ignorance. Unfortunately – regardless of intent - words wound, fester and scar.
The following is a short list of things people say that are often intended to be helpful, but are actually tactless. Perhaps these will better equip you to respond to the thoughtless comments and to illustrate the need for each of us to better think through our word choices.

• What was said: It's all in your head. You are a hypochondriac.
  What may have been perceived: You are either completely deluded or making an excuse for poor behavior in order to get my sympathy. I don't believe in that psychiatric mumbo jumbo. I don’t believe that you actually have a real illness.
  The Fallacy: Mental health problems are the result of a character flaw or weak personality. Mental illnesses are not real diseases.
  The Facts: Bipolar Disorder is a medical illness with a physical cause probably rooted in structural or biochemical abnormalities in the brain. In short, it is very real just like diabetes or heart disease.

• What was said: We all go through times like this.
  What was perceived: You are overreacting. Stop making mountains out of molehills. You can't handle life as well as I can.
  The Fallacy: Everyone has the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder.
  The Facts: An article by David A. Kahn, M.D. and colleagues entitled Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families offers an excellent perspective for addressing this fallacy. "We all experience a variety of moods—happiness, sadness, anger, to name a few. Unpleasant moods and changes in mood are normal reactions to everyday life, and we can often identify events that caused our mood to change. However, when we experience mood changes—or extremes—that are out of proportion to events or come 'out of the blue' and make it hard to function, these changes may be due to a mood disorder."

• What was said: Just shake it off.
  What was perceived: You've created this problem for yourself, so just get over it and move on. I am out of patience with you. Don't bother me with this again.
  The Fallacy: Everyone can and should control their emotions.
  The Facts:Bipolar disorder is a medical condition. Those with this disorder can no more snap out of it or shake it off then those with a broken leg.

• What was said: He must be demon possessed.
  What was perceived: I am righteous. You are not. Everyone who believes in God is perfect and does not struggle in life. You are a sinner and got what you deserved.
  The Fallacy: Bipolar Disorder is the result of misconduct.
  The Facts: Bipolar disorder is not your fault. It is not the result of something you did or didn’t do. "Bipolar disorder has no single proven cause, but research suggests the illness is due to abnormalities in the way some nerve cells in the brain function or communicate" (Kahn et al, 2004).

References
Kahn, D.A., Keck, P.E., Perlis, R.H., Otta, M.W., & Ross, R. (2004). Treatment of Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.


From www.bipolar.about.com

And I've heard this many, many times.

Great post! Yes, yes, yes. Things I hear so often about me and my son.

Very thoughtful, Wendy. Thank you!

Ditto - so true......................people can be cruel, they just don't understand BP.

Great post, Thanks, Nikko:grouphug:

Sometimes what I hear is, "everyone's got problems," which conveys to me they don't want to hear mine.

befuddled2

That's how I feel too, befuddled. It feels like they are trivializing the pain I am feeling. Or, like you said, don't want to even hear about it.

:hug: I want to hear you though. Nobody can walk in our shoes, can they?

Mrs. Bear, thank your for you kind reply. I had been really down in the dumps all week until talking to a friend for a long time just now. Even though I mostly listened to her, it was still talking to someone. I just feel so isolated a lot with no children and being separated. I want to hear you too.


befuddled2

And the best one is……………you don’t want to get better. I love that one. Oh yes, I love feeling like I’m on a constant elevator ride and can’t decide which floor I want to get off. Oops I forgot, I’m supposed to be accepting this.

So be it. It doesn’t matter much anymore anyway. ;)

Can you accept it and have it matter at the same time? I guess you can.
Here's the funny thing Todd accepts my BP better than I am. Maybe because he doesn't feel the ups and downs.
I thought this might help some people. I get this attitude because of my other illnesses too but this is the first time I have found an article that covers just BP issues.