I wish my heart would quit breaking
 

Tonight it just hit me really hard again. I keep thinking that losing my baby was my fault. The medications or whatever... I just really wanted my baby. So So SO much.I keep remembering when the doctors first thought I was having some sort of problem.

I prayed so hard. Promised ANYTHING...just let me keep my baby. And now...
Now I just feel so utterly empty. I am crying, just wondering why? I am a goo mother, I'm finally with a man who is a good father. Who would support my and our little one. It just not right

It breaks my heart, all the things I'll miss....I just wanted my baby so badly...

Oh Songbird :( There is nothing you could have done, and the miscarriage was in no way your fault no matter how you look at it. This was one of those terrible things that just happens. It is not down to you, nor could you have prevented it.

Im so sorry if this sounds kike alecture, because its not meant to be - im just worried for you, and i want you to not be torn apart by this. You have to try to stop torturing yourself about this part, or you'll suffer so much more. I am not religious at all, but I was brought up to be, I know about that kind of praying, and it is soul-destroying with something like a miscarriage because this is not down to you or God - it is biological and physical. No amount of wishing or praying on your part was ever going to change what happened.

Belief in the power of prayer can tear you apart when it still happened, and you then think it is your fault because you didn't want it enough, or haven't been good enough, or promised enough.....none of that matters, honestly.

Your body just couldn't do this thing. You wanted it enough, and of course you are a good wife and mother, and of course you would have been a fabulous mother all over again. You must never ever doubt that.

Please try to concentrate on the family you have, and enjoy being with them as much as you can. Try to get out a little, just for a walk or something, and try not to stay inside thinking too much. I know, I really do, that you can't get away from these thoughts, but as with CRPS pain, you can distract yourself a little and it does help with the raw pain just a bit.

I'm so sorry. Hang in there and keep fighting the despair of this thing. You are strong, and you will come through this.

Bram :hug:

It was not your fault. Don't ever think that! As hard as it is there is a reason for everything. You will get through this and you will get that baby that you are dreaming about! You will be a great mother and that day is sure to come to you! Wondering why is a question everyone asks but sometimes there is no answer. So just focus on what you can do now. You now know you want a child, so rejoice in that fact! I know that you are strong! And I know that you will get through this. You have my number, please call me anytime!

I am so sorry. This is NOT your fault...there is nothing that you did to cause the miscarriage. I questioned that for myself...and EVERYTHING I read says that with early miscarriages there is something physical that made the pregnancy not viable. This is 100% of the time. It's not something you ate or drank, not any meds you took...it just wasn't meant to be.

Take care of yourself and focus on the family you DO have. And if you want a baby...talk that over with your partner and maybe you can try for one. I know this one wasn't planned...and I don't mean that having another baby will replace this one in any way (because I know it won't)...but you CAN try for another if you want to.

I do know what you are going through...the sadness of the loss...the hole you have inside you now. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss but don't lose yourself in the process. What's done is done...you cannot go back in time and undo things. We have to accept and move on...but that doesn't mean it won't hurt.

Please please take care of yourself.

I'm working on it guy's. I really appreciate all the support. I just had a bad night. I know I'll have more. I'm feeling pretty down today too, but I'm hanging in there. I have this whole week off before I start work next week, so at least it's happening now. I know it's not really my fault I just have times where I feel like it.

My fiancé told his mother and older daughter last night, so I think it had just brought it all to the surface again. He's was very good in telling me it wasn't my fault in any way. Even if the medication DID have something to do with it, we weren't planning on a baby and said I needed to be on the medication. And that it wasn't my fault in any way. I just sometimes I'm just trying to find some reason why I lost my baby.

I suppose that's normal. But I am trying not to blame myself completely. My heart still aches, I wanted to be able to hold my baby. That's what I think makes me feel so empty. I also realized that when I had my daughter and a miscarriage quite a few years before I had suffered deep bouts of depression. My doctor thinks I am prone to PPD (postpartum depression), fun right?

So I'm trying to find a counselor to help me through this time. I just want to turn back the clock and somehow still be pregnant, and get to have my baby. Since that isn't possible I have to try and find a way to move on. It's hard though sometimes my grief feels like this, I don't know, other being that just takes over my brain, and I have a hard time breaking free.....

I'll get there, I know, it's just going to take a long time.

Thank you all, it does help to get what I'm feeling out, and not just hold it inside

Hi songbird
 

Dear Woman, it is not your fault in any way. Sometimes, it is nature. This happens with all animals at times. Time, love of your family, and support while you grieve will be the path to feeling better. I wish there were words that could ease your ache. We are all with you in spirit. ginnie:grouphug:

I'm so sorry, Songbird! I haven't had a miscarriage, but I've heard that it's so, so hard :( It is NOT your fault, though. I think finding a counselor is a good idea, especially now that you know you have a physical tendency towards PPD.

My middle child was born with handicaps (he doesn't have legs) and sometimes I wonder if it was my fault - I get so sick during my pregnancies, and someone told me that eating salty food helps with nausea, so I munched on a lot of chips at first in a desperate attempt to not be so nauseated. But even though bad food may have contributed, what's important is the heart - and there's nothing that I did intentionally to harm my child in any way. And there's nothing that YOU did intentionally to harm your baby in any way, so it's definitely not your fault in the real and important sense of the word.

I think you just have to work through the grief - you'll get out on the other side one day. And you should grieve, just like I grieved for my child's handicaps. I'm sorry to hear (from the other thread) that your older brother just didn't get it and that what he said was painful to you. I think men can just never quite understand in the same way that a woman can, but I think he meant well. Maybe explain some day when you have the energy that it hurt to have him minimize your pain. It sounds like you have a good support system overall, though - I'm very glad to hear that.

As far as the prayer part you mentioned - I'm not religious, but I'm a Christian - I agree with Bram that the bargaining type of prayer (although totally understandable!) is soul-destroying. God doesn't promise us freedom from difficult times; he does, however, promise us that he's with us in the difficult times. I'd recommend to keep praying (if that's something that you regularly do) and just let loose and let him see the real you, anger and all. I've yelled at God plenty of times! He knows anyway, so why not just let loose?

Anyway, I hope today is a little better, and I'm so, so sorry to hear of the miscarriage. I haven't been around for a few weeks, and I was so sorry to see this thread. I send a nice gentle virtual hug to you, along with the others here :grouphug:

Dear Songbird, Bless your heart! I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain.
Every one here who has replied has said it so well but may I add as well - IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY!
I'm not very religious either, but I believe in prayer and I have to believe that God will make it up to you.
That's another reason this group is so great, we are allowed to just VENT the things we FEEL even if we know ourselves it may not be rational.
I must constantly make an effort to not let CRPS destroy my life, but some days it just wins and I have to try again.
My kids are "grown" but I know they still need me and for their sakes (and my husband's) I have to try to do what I can and keep myself together.
You certainly need to grieve, but for your own sake please try to count the blessings you do have.:grouphug:

My grief in words
 

I wrote this yesterday. It helped to get some of it out.

The grief I feel, sometimes like a breathing being

Palpable, pulsing, harsh

A knife that twists and turns

Leaving a hollow, empty space

The love I felt was real

longing to hold, to touch

Loss leaves an ache so strong

my tears fall like rain

failing to purge my broken heart

leaving numbness through the pain

Breathless, clinging to life

fighting to dream

I stand, shoulder the weight

It settles and shifts

Heavy, dense, and thick

Sometimes I fall

stumbling and lost

But, I still have hope

And a Mothers love

Strong, steadfast, and depthless

I find strength

To stand, to stay

To live

Hi Songbird, I'm new to the forum, as of today. But I read your post and I have Ben there, several times. You need to try very hard to work tis through with your brain. That's what I always told myself. A pregnancy that miscarried does so because it was not a healthy pregnancy. I hate words like fetus and fetal pole, they are horrible and impersonal, this was your child. But whether it was hormonal or coding or something else, the pregnancy was not going to continue safely, so our body ended it. Do not even think it had to do with our meds either. Just think of how many births to addicts on the streets, etc. you've read about in your life. Healthy babies are be resilient. You would be surprised to find out how many women miscarry. We don't talk about it, because it is painful, but know that you are not alone, and you are not to blame. Something wasn't right and your body dealt with it. Try not to let your heart alone deal with this, let your brain, help o guide you to understanding and moving forward. Get yourself healthy and strong and ready for the opportunity to try again. Soft hugs, Sylvia