Keeping Friends yes...no?
 

Has anyone lost friends due to being in Chronic pain? I would love to get this off my chest. I stopped contact with 2 friends because of how they treated me because of my pain conditions (RSD + Back pain, sometimes neck/head pain). We were the 3 musketeers. We did EVERYTHING togethor. One friend, Steph, I’ve known since second grade and the other, Kristen, since Freshman year. I’m 37 now. That’s a long time.

I'll get to the point.........they blew me off on 2 vacations.

This was the first vacation, which happened a decade ago. The 3 of us were supposed to go to Mexico. My friend Steph calls me one day asking me if I wanted to go to the Travel agent, with her and our friend Kristen, next week to book it. I said “Absolutely”.

Two weeks later....Steph was driving, I was next to her in the front passenger seat.. Our friend Kristen and this girl Becky were in the back seat. Well, Becky (whom I call Big-mouth-Becky) said something to the effect of “So Step and Kristen you’re going to Mexico next month are you excited???....” I wish I could remember exactly what she said because it was a lot worse then that. There was DEAD SILENCE and we were sitting at a red light. I turned my head and looked at Steph. She looked at Becky in the rear-view mirror and gave her a look like she wanted to STRANGLE her for spilling the beans. No one said a word the entire drive. They knew that I caught them. I wanted to get out of that car so bad. They were going without me. They probably thought that I would ruin their vacation because of my pains. I was perfectly capable to go on a vacation. I NEEDED it more then anything. How on earth can you ditch a friend like that.

The 2nd vacation was to Marti Gras. A bunch of us girls were going. There were 6 or 7 of us. The hotel was booked the day after THAT years Marti Gras. So an entire year passes and it’s now the week BEFORE we were set to go. I was so excited. Well, my wonderful friend Steph calls me. She said what she said so fast that she didn’t even take a breath OR let me get a word in. She says “The hotel called and said that they lost our reservation so we can’t go to Mardi Gras can you believe that? I guess we’re not going bye”...and she hung up. The only word I got in was hello? . HOW ON EARTH can a hotel call and say “We lost your reservation”. Then how did they know we had rooms reserved? How did they get her phone number to CALL her? Again, they thought I was going to ruin their good time. Before we booked the hotel Steph was talking about getting the closest hotel (to where all the action is) in case I needed to leave and go to my room to rest. I never ever asked them to change anything to “accommidate” me.

2 weeks pass and I go to Steph’s place and there are beads everywhere. ….FROM Mari gras. You would think that they would try to cover up the fact that they ditched me.

I’m not comfortable being around them. They don’t know that this is why I havn’t been in contact with them. No facebook chats or messages etc..I haven't seen them in 7 yrs.

I have one TRUE friend named Nina. Actually she's more like a sister. I've known her since she was born....35 yrs. I went on 2 vacations with her (Aruba and Cozumel) so screw em!!! She understands my limitations and has no problem with them.

I struggle weather to tell them or not. I would love an apology and an explanation. I'm to chicken to send them a message. Would you stop contact with people like that?

(Sorry so long...I hope ALL of you are doing well )
Heather

Heather, I am so sorry you had to experience that. :( I totally get it. My friends disappeared after my massive stroke and the RSD set in. They were our friends in our other lives. Not this life.

Heather, yep, completely get you on this one :rolleyes: friends who turn out not to be...it's so sad and hurtful. I bet we've all been there at times.

Moosey started a thread just called 'friends' that has a lot of discussion about this...have a look. I'm sorry I can't type more but I'm lying down today on account of the crapness of things, and typing is a mare ;)

Take care, and remember that they are wrong - you're still worth someone's friendship, they're just not worth yours.

Bram :grouphug:

Yes Heather, I too have lost friends. They just don't have the time to deal with me because I cannot keep up and they just don't know what to say...this is my guess. I have been dropped by many of them. That just shows that they weren't friends to begin with. I have a few good friends, but they live a few hours away (where I used to live).

If I were you, I would reach out to those "friends" and ask them WTH? Tell them you do not want to argue or fight, you just want an explanation. I think it will help you get past this and no longer worry so much about it (you have enough to deal with). I had a really good friend that lives very close by, we had been friends for many years and most recently bonded over our chronic pain. I didn't hear from her for months, so I finally sent her a text asking what was going on...why haven't I heard from you??? She thought I was mad at her. I wasn't. We talked about it and I told her that we needed to just move past this misunderstanding. She was supposed to come see me...haven't heard from her since Christmas. I know we are no longer friends but I feel better about it because I reached out and don't have to wonder anymore. As my husband says, it is her loss!

I think people are too wrapped up in themselves to have much patience, compassion and concern for others. Sometimes it is just too much work. I know not everyone is like that, but a good portion of people are.

Bram is right, they are not worth your friendship!
Nanc
:hug:

Heather, on the other hand, I never felt the need to put them on the spot by contacting.. Their persistent absence spoke volumes to me. I was so busy trying to get better anyhow.

Heather, I am so sorry. I have only had CRPS in my foot for a very short time but I have these fears. My bachelorette party is coming up (exactly 3 months from today) in Vegas. A few of my friends are saying we have to go dancing. My friends have the "drink the pain away" attitude. With none of them experiencing pain this severe they don't understand you can't drink the pain away. Because before I was put on Percocet, I sure tried! I just hope I have a few Nina's. Those true friends mean the world. I wish you all the best and happiness!
Megan

I have lost many friends and family due to my RSD, my dad left my mom cause he blamed her for the disease. My uncles and aunts will no longer speak to meor my mom saying it was all in my head. I have a sister that is jealous of my mom needing to help me so much. The one great friend I have kept is from college and to find out a year after I was diagnosed she was to diagnosed with RSD in her knee she didnt know the disease but after hearing my symptoms she knew it was the same. My childhood friend wont speak to me. I try not to think of it as it just stress me out I just know to believe in my self and not let them change me as RSD has already dont that. They just dont understand and would rather believe nothings wrong or if it is I am just crazy. I am sorry the way you friend are treating you!

Friendship
 

We have all experienced friends and family who are less than compassionate or caring when we have expected otherwise, we have all experienced that swell of emotion that comes with the pain of rejection. But often, because they are what we consider family, we feel the urge to carry on and maintain a relationship, fleeting though it may be. Possibly somewhere deep down we are hoping and praying for that day when they will be there for us, all the while knowing that one day, it is they who will need us, and it is us who step up to the plate and deliver to them what they have been unable to give freely to us. Maintaining a family relationship or a friendship is sometimes likened to holding down a job where all parties need to work towards a common goal.

That sounds very philosophical and not really what I want to say, but it does convey a certain point.

Heather, you have nothing to gain from reaching out or confronting these women, they are selfish and shallow individuals who will only trap you again in a cycle where it will once again be you doing all the giving and them all the taking. Let it be them to come to you one day, for then you will know that they have a better understanding of what you face every day and they may be more open to sharing experiences with you, and you can then make a conscious choice if you want them to be a mainstay in your life.

Save your energy and spend it on creating new friendships with people who have compassion and care in their middle names. Anything thoughts or time you spend on those past relationships can be shaped into recognising who or what you want in your life.

I've lost friends along the way. I even managed to lose my best friend aka my first husband on my lifelong journey of pain. So caring he was when he put me on an aeroplane with his secretary who spoke 5 words of English to fly me to a capital city that could care for me, so caring, when he turned up 5 days later bemused that I was still so ill and in quarantine on the 7th floor. When I discharged myself to fly home to my parents, he accompanied me, grumbling all the way.

His refusal to get me a wheelchair at NZ airport resulted in me collapsing in pain, then on the plane he refused me the aisle seat and complained his meal was withheld because I was in the loo and they waited for me to come back before serving. His leaving me on the plane alone so he could rapidly exit to join the customs queue resulted in a priceless look when I was wheeled out and passed him in the queue straight to the front, I should have left him standing there, but I gestured he was with me and we made our way through to my waiting parents long before he would gave gotten through had I left him.

We reached the car park and I went home with my folks, he went home with his mother. That night he stayed at his mums house, I stayed at mine. Did I mention we had only been married for 4 months. The next day he took me to my family doctor and when the doctor called the hospital and told them I was coming my caring husband said "is she really that ill". My doctor just ignored him.

Admission to hospital as you know is a lengthy process, he kept looking at his watch, what's wrong I said, "I've got mums car, I need to pick her up from work" clearly taxis were unavailable in those days, certainly a sick wife being admitted to hospital with an undiagnosed illness was far less important. I waved him off and 4 hours later he returned, I had been admitted, again in quarantine. I asked what took so long, "mum cooked steak and veg for dinner". Lucky him! I was in a great deal of discomfort and pressed the bell for another pillow, he complained I was embarrassing him and left shortly after.

The next day, he went to a football match with his brother, I asked him to bring our wedding album to the hospital, he couldn't understand why I cried when I saw the photos of us together on such a happy day only months earlier. The following day he flew back to his work. A week later they finally worked out what was wrong with me. I had lost 15kg in the 2 week long process from the time I fell ill, Oh, and a husband!

In total, I was in hospital for 7 weeks, long enough for me to realise my supposed best friend was back at work living it up, playing tennis and having drinks every night, attending cocktail parties and making new friends. Long enough for me to realise it was me that kept the relationship together, long enough for me to realise I was worth more than he was prepared to give. His loss, my gain, yes it hurt, gosh it really hurt, but you know what, freeing myself from him and any obligations I felt to him gave me my spirit back. I learned from my experience and a few years later I met the most wonderful man who still, after 22 years of pain, is still with me. We have had our ups and downs, but we work at it, together!

I can look back at it now and share this without pain.:hug:

well said
 

Life throws us ups and downs,but in the end we will win.We all here sound like fighters.Our true friends will always been there.The ones that are too wrapped in there selves are the losers.some day they will be in our similar situation and need friendship and wonder what happened and then maybe question there actions..
I am so sorry this happened to you guys.I have to say even though you lost old friends you gained friends here..God Bless you All:grouphug:

Raise a toast to our mates on this forum!
 

Although we can't move as quick as others, :winky:I reckon we are outpacing a lot of people we once called family or friends. Pain requires patience which we are gaining in tonnes. With pain and patience brings acute awareness of what is real and valuable in life.

I am glad we are triumphing in this area and I raise my glass and toast you as friends!



Unfortunately lots of people only have patience for their own interest