Is it time to free my family?
 

I am thinking that it's time to leave, and free my family from the burden of having to live with me.

I have been through a lot of therapy and treatment, and God knows I try, but I still can't stop every outburst of anger and frustration. I am not self-sufficient, and physically/intellectually disabled, and racked with pain, I know that I am neither fun nor stimulating company. I'm also a financial burden.

My husband is miserable, my child is miserable - and it's my fault. They didn't change, I did. The wife/mother they knew died in an MVA and they have been forced to care for an odious stranger, for eight years. They've done their best, but I can see that they just can't take it anymore.

My MVA wrecked my life, but I can't bear to see it ruin my family's lives, too. I think it's just selfish of me, not to stand aside, and let them get on with happier lives.

Hockey,

Sounds like an anxiety based decision....can you take a step back for a deep breath and look for clearer thoughts?

I know this changes the way we think..it sure has me.

My wife is on vacation with my 2 daughters and I have had a difficult time with them enjoying it, it makes my current inabilities stand out considerably and I am really struggling with being civil when she contacts me twice a day. Thisl way of thinking would have never occurred prior to my accident.

I will pray for you.

Bud

Hockey,

I understand your pain. I have had similar thoughts.

I wonder if there is a living arrangement where you can get some separation but still be close. The first thought is a house with an in-law apartment where you can have the room to get away. You could set it up so it accommodates your struggles. You would be close enough to participate when you are up to it and be able to retreat when you need to.

I know it would be more expensive than your current situation but less expensive than you living alone.

Hi Hockey,
I think many of us who have been sidelined from life and feel a burden to our loved ones have had the very same thought.

Have you had a talk with your family about this? Just laid everyone's feelings and thoughts out on the table?

You may feel a burden but, they may very well not want to live without you.

Is it possible to have any scheduled time apart? I can generally see when Iam really bugging my husband and he is getting to the end of his rope with me...I just go stay with a friend or go on a little trip...one time, I just went to a little guest house an hour away and spent a few days alone and thought about it.

Honestly, I know my husband needs his space and I try to give it to him.

Maybe go visit a friend or family member for a couple weeks and ask your family to think about what they truly want. Also, is it financially feasible....that is often the toughest part.

I understand how you feel and please know, I've been there too. Give it time, give it thought...don't make any emotional or hasty decisions. I found counseling with my husband to be very helpful.

Take care, D.

:( Sorry it's still so hard Hockey.

In any family there has to be give and take and accommodations made from all parties for all sorts of reasons. It sounds as if you're blaming yourself for everything and are thinking that your family will be better off without you. It doesn't work like that from my experience. If it's miserable for them with you there, it's going to be a hundred times more difficult and miserable without you there. Often when something devastating happens to a family member there seems to be a period of time when everyone rallies around, but then it stops. Do you have any extended family or really close friends nearby? Sometimes people don't know when we need help because we don't tell them.

Your daughter needs you in her life.
How on earth is she going to be happier without you.
:hug:

Hockey,

I hope you can implement some of the advice given on this thread.

I've read a number of your posts over the years, and I just wanted to express my gratitude for your helpful information and kindness. You have helped many people.

Thanks for everything!

Couldn't agree more. Thanks from me too.

I'm really sorry to see you feeling this way Hockey. Unfortunately, though, I can empathise greatly. Like others have expressed, I've thought about this many times and came close to separation on a couple of occasions when my better-half could simply not take any more of my anger outbursts. Also like you, I'm not the person I was, and I can't be the same husband or Dad to my children... and I often think taking myself out of the picture would help them be "happier" in the long run.

After making it through these times, though, I've come to see that my family doesn't want to lose me, even if they get frustrated with me. I suspect your family is similar. It might just be finding a different means of interacting, as Mark suggested. I'm thinking that both your family and you would be better off with each other in their lives : )

I sincerely hope you make it through this time with the best possible outcome. You've been a tremendous resource for so many of us that I really don't like seeing you struggle... my thoughts are with you.

Hockey,

I rarely visit this site anymore, but I just thought I would today out of the blue. I want you to know that your many posts I have read have always inspired me to keep going, so I have come to return the favor.

I can't know your own situation, as you have been dealing with your life-changing injuries for so many years now. But as I am now over 3 years injured, I know how it feels to be so frustrated by the changes and the loss of independence, as well as the unwanted anger bouts I experience.

I also know about the love you have for your daughter, and the admiration you have previously spoken of for both her and your husband. I am just wondering if you have had any recent changes with your relationships with each of them, and that is causing you more anger because you feel helpless to contribute to resolving the conflict.

I would think that by now they are aware of your tendencies or your "triggers" for anger. Maybe sitting down and talking to them about how you feel might be worthwhile. Maybe having an outside fourth party to act as a group moderator might be helpful too.

I hope I have the grace you have shown with your injuries so far. I have admired you a great deal for your insight and words of wisdom. I hope you find the answers that won't have you making such great sacrifices. I offer my thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

Please take care, M-i-m

MiM,

That pulled at my heart strings...touching. Says a lot about Hockey.

Bud