Fw: peanuts
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> >
> >>>> >A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
> > highway
> >>>> >when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers
> > him
> >>>>a
> >>>> >handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
> >>>>hands
> >>>> >him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five
> >>>>more
> >>>> >times.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old
> >>>>lady,
> >>>> >why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
> >>>> >
> >>>> >"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
> >>>> >
> >>>> >The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
> >>>> >
> >>>> >It pays to be careful around old people.

and sits down, and demands the bar tender to pour him a drink of scotch! The bar tender pours him a scotch, and the drunk downs all but a little bit in the bottom of the glass. He then opens his shirt pocket and pours the rest of the booze into his pocket.

Well after several drinks the bar tender decides the drunk has had enough, and when the drunk demands another drink. The bar tender tells him " sorry sir but I cant let you waste any more good scotch by pouring down in your shirt pocket ". Well the drunk got mad! He hollers at the bar tender, Give me another scotch! and if I want anymore outta you I will knock it outta you!

About that time a little mouse pops up out of the shirt pocket and says that goesssshhh for your DANG cat tooo!

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

What's worse then a bus load of Lawyers going over a cliff?

One seat is empty.



How many Physchiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?

20. One to change it and 19 to reason why.

Ada

A platoon of soldiers in Iraq were pulled off the line for a weeks R&R; it was still desert, but safe enough so people could wander off and get some alone time. One soldier was strolling along when he saw what looked like an ancient earthen-ware bottle. He picked it up and brushed the sand away.

Suddenly there was a popping sound and a whoosh of air, then a djini dressed in satin, puffy clothes plopped down on the ground. He flexed his arms and legs, rubbed a sore calf, then said:

"I''ve been in that bottle for more than 3,000 years and at last I'm free. I don't know if you know the rules, but for letting me out I have to give you one wish. I wish I could do more, but that's it"

The soldier instantly whipped a map of the Middle-East from his pocket.

"I want peace here" he said excitedly, "Not just for me and my buddies, but for the world"

The djini stared at him. "Do you know what you're asking? This has been going on for thousands of years. I got stuck in that bottle because of it. It can't be done. Think of something else...please".

The soldier walked a few feet away, sat down and stared at his feet. What to do? He had been praying for peace in the region since before he joined the Army. Nothing was even close to his desire for peace. Finally, after 15 minutes, he stood up and walked back to the djini.

"I want my wife to wake up once a month with an unquenchable desire to make love to me for an hour. Once a month for the rest of my life".

The djini stared at him, then he walked a few feet away, sat down and stared at his feer. He didn't move for half an hour, then stood up and walked back to the soldier.

"Let me look at that map again".

A NEW DOCTOR...WHO DOESN'T RUN A BUNCH OF EXPENSIVE TESTS..


A woman went to the GP's group, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She
burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story,
he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.
"This woman is 63 years old , she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you
told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

OK, more daft stuff....

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
-------------
Q: If you're an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European!
--------------
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
-----------------
So these two dyslexics walk into a bra...
-----------------
Three doctors were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

The first one said, “I’m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.”

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s *** and a cowboy hat.

“Now he’s president of the United States.”



(-------- artist ducks behind couch )
all the best!

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman..... Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris .

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... All of which are poisonous.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris .

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Allent--are you SURE this is about Chuck Norrris?! Kinda sounds like our "Governator", Arnie!!!

Enjoying the jokes immensely!!!!!!

Brokenwings

That is soooo true!

Im gonna change everything to Arnold the govenator! Hahahahaha!