He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard ...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right.
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer.
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked
the **** out of him ...

Like his mama used to do.

.................................................. ................................

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from
California if:

1.
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are
visible.

2.
You make over $300, 000 and still can't afford a
house.

3.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in
English

4.
Your child's 3rd-grad e teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named
Flower.

5.
You
can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6.
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

7.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and
you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8.
You
can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9.
A really great parking space can totally move you to
tears.

10.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.

11.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.

13.
You
can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14.
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM
WATCH."

15 .
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with
their cells or pagers.

16.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to
avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17.
HEY!!!!
Is pot illegal????

18.
Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic
surgeons.

19.
The
Terminator is your governor.


20.
If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here
illegally, they want to give you one

.................................................. ...........................................

Like him or hate him, this is funny.


The War Department briefed the President this morning. They told Bush that 2 Brazilian solders were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.

Afterwhile thefirst fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over

Toyour placeSaturday and make love to your wife while you

Was off huntin',and she gotpregnant and had a baby,

Wouldthat make us kin?"


The second fellow crooked his head sideways for aminute,scratched hishead,

And squinted his eyes like he was thinkingreal hardabout thequestion.


Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

Two drunks were watching TV when a news brief came on saying that they would tell about a man jumping off of a 10 story building on the 11 O'clock news.

The first drunk said, "I'll bet you 10 dollars he jumps, the second drunk says I'll bet 10 dollars he doesn't.

When the 11 O'clock news came on the man jumped off of the 10 story building killing himself. The first drunk said, " Here's your 10 dollars, I watched the 5 O'clock news and I knew he'd jump, the second drunk said that's ok, you keep it, I watched the 5 O'clock news too. I just didn't think the fool would jump twice.

Ada

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.

Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."

He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"

"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."
.................................................. ..............................................

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
.................................................. ..................................................

Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
.................................................. .................................................. ....


A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the State Capitals. She said go ahead ask me any state you want to and I can tell you the Capital of it.

The friend said ok Wyoming. The blonde said oh that's easy, W.

2 blondes were driving down the road and saw another blonde rowing a boat through a wheatfield. One said she's one of the reason's blondes get a bad rep for being dumb. The other one said, " yeah, If I could swim, I'd swim over there and drown her.

How does Micheal Jackson pick his nose?

Out of a catalog in the Surgeon's office.


Why did the blonde get fired at the M and M factory.

She kept throwing away the WW's

How do you keep a blonde confused in an MM factory? Tell her to alphebetise them. How does she confuse you? When she says she did it.

How do you keep a blonde confused?

Take a piece of paper and write "turn over" on both sides of it".

Two blonds are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''

The other blond covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

Dearest allen,
I need that. I am post surgery from on Oct-06 they are going in with Vancomycin. My MD believes I got a STAPH infection from surgery. Hugs, Roz

Nice one, Allen! Hey Roz...good luck, sweetie!

And now for a nice little poem (or kewl pome..):

Eye have a grate come pewter,
The lay test gnu pea sea;
It will a cyst me two low Kate
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore to long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right in men knee stiles ,
And aides me when aye rime.

Sew now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know tie pose in my cite,
Of non eye yam a wear.

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your shore reel glad two no.
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

all the best

A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was
very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter.
The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to
sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000
miles on it.

The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you
sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it’s illegal."

The blonde said, " I'll do anything." So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet.

The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover the valve stem.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will be prayin for ya Roz

Seems things for us just keep coming, but these funnies really help

Did you hear about the blond that thought nitrates were cheaper then day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde that brought her cosmetics to a make-up exam?

Did you hear about the blonde who wondered why they didn't get taller ballerinas?

Ada