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Medical Record Blunders
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The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Long fingers?)

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. (Excuse me, what are you doing with that pen light?)

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. (Anatomy review time!)

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. (An empowered patient.)

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

We will follow her eyes and nose with a foley catheter.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Hugs, Roz

OMG, Roz, - those just get funnier and funnier!! I have tears running down my face!

Thank you *so* much for starting this thread
all the best!

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office.




Patient to eye doctor:
"I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the chances?"

Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Heard about the blonde fired from the MM factory?

She kept throwing out the WW's

.................................................. .....

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.

A man staggered up to the pharmacy counter.

"Would you give something for my head?" the man asked.

"Why?" the pharmacist said, looking up. "What would I do with it?"


What do you call a receptionist in a beauty salon?

A hair-traffic controller!

How do you know you are speaking with an extroverted accountant?

He looks at your shoes when he is talking with you!

OMG--WHERE on EARTH do you guys come up with these jokes??????? They are HYSTERICAL!!!

GOOD JOB! Keep em coming!!!!!!

(I just heard one joke told to me by a friend, but I am afraid it might possibly not be so good for the Gentlemen, as it concerns a very "sensitive issue"). But I will keep my ears open for some really appropriate jokes!

STILL laughing about the jokes here!!!!!

Brokenwings

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twelve: One to do it. one to chart it. ten to write the policy and procedure.

.................................................. ..........................................

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twenty: one primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.

Actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My care was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible care come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear-end showing.


P.S. I hope you guys/gals can be patient with me. I will post in time, but having a hard time right now. Trying to learn all I can, and it's hard to accept. Keep the faith all.

Thanks a bunch,
WhatsRSD