How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

He looks through a catalogue in the plastic surgeon's office.




Patient to eye doctor:
"I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,doctor. What are the chances?"

Eye doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Heard about the blonde fired from the MM factory?

She kept throwing out the WW's

.................................................. .....

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?

A: Give her an M&M bag, and tell her to alphabetize it.

A man staggered up to the pharmacy counter.

"Would you give something for my head?" the man asked.

"Why?" the pharmacist said, looking up. "What would I do with it?"


What do you call a receptionist in a beauty salon?

A hair-traffic controller!

How do you know you are speaking with an extroverted accountant?

He looks at your shoes when he is talking with you!

OMG--WHERE on EARTH do you guys come up with these jokes??????? They are HYSTERICAL!!!

GOOD JOB! Keep em coming!!!!!!

(I just heard one joke told to me by a friend, but I am afraid it might possibly not be so good for the Gentlemen, as it concerns a very "sensitive issue"). But I will keep my ears open for some really appropriate jokes!

STILL laughing about the jokes here!!!!!

Brokenwings

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twelve: One to do it. one to chart it. ten to write the policy and procedure.

.................................................. ..........................................

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twenty: one primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. 2, but I dont know how they got in there!

Hey Allen - LOL

Talking of light bulbs...

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Rottweiler: Make me!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

all the best

Actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My care was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible care come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear-end showing.


P.S. I hope you guys/gals can be patient with me. I will post in time, but having a hard time right now. Trying to learn all I can, and it's hard to accept. Keep the faith all.

Thanks a bunch,
WhatsRSD