[tkayewade]

I had surgery today. On the way home from surgery today (I had to have fluid drained from the battery site of one of my scs's. Hoping it is not infected or rejecting) my husband tells me that his dad and dad's girlfriend think I am a burden. That's the perfect time of course. He said he didn't think I was, but it was said. I was very hurt and upset. I'm not sure how that would come up in a conversation. Anyway, their family has a nephew that is a pill addict who has been to rehab three or four times just this last year, my brother in law can't do anything for himself because is obese and unable to work or take care of himself due to his weight which he did on his own! Yet im the burden!! I did not do this to myself, and I work so hard to be independent and it's like everyone thinks I'm just attention seeking or something. My husband himself told his dad himself last year that divorce would be easier. Then, the other day, I said something about our daughter worried about him leaving and he said he would stick out for stubbornness! Not because he loved me, but that. I don't know why, but it seems like he doesn't really love me anymore, but feels obligated to stay with me. All that emotional stress adding to the physical pain of surgery and RSD itself just makes me feel terrible. I don't know what to do. Not to mention, worrying that the scs is rejecting and my work let me go due to all this, so I'd be on cobra or if I get ssdi Medicaid. I try to be positive, but sometimes it's just not easy.

TK

[AZ-Di]

OMG! How Awful! My heart goes out to you! Yes, the pain and trying to power through it is hard enough but the emotional pain is almost worse. It's too bad that RSD/CRPS affects more women than men b/c we are usually the caregivers and the empathetic ones.
I've been struggling with my last resort of SCS for this reason and many more, but I'm running out of alternatives.
Wish I could give you a hug for real!

[Brambledog]

Aww TK, I'm so sorry that's completely unfair and mean. You must be devastated, but you've dealt with this disease and all it throws at you, and you are one strong woman. You know the truth of this, and you have to hang on to that, and try not to let his attitude make you doubt yourself.

People can be real jerks, and when those people are the ones you should be able to count on, it hurts so much. My daughter stayed over at my parents house once, and came home a bit distant and cold. Anyway it turned out that my parents and sister had been talking about me and saying I was making too much out of my leg, trying to get sympathy, and it was a bit old now, I should get over myself. Nice. I look at them now, and I know how they really feel, and it hurts every single time - you don't ever forget things like that.

Your story really struck a chord, my sister hasnt worked in a decade, lives with my parents still, and they take her to doctors appointments all the time with one imaginary illness after another. She's deliberately playing the system but they think she is great and she can do no wrong. She got a stick after I got crutches, and now I have a pain specialist she claims to be in constant pain. When she wants to she can do anything she wants, we've seen it too often, it seems she just doesn't want to work, whereas I would love to have a body that worked properly, and I'm working hard to hang on to my life. When I had to give up my job, I started a small self-employed business, and didn't sit around moping, but that means nothing to them. Double standards really are cruel, people can be so blind.

Anyone can be a jerk, sometimes especially the ones closest to you. Print him off the Wikipedia page about CRPS, it's clinical but holds no punches about how nasty this is. Ask him to read it and then to talk to you about how he feels. Sounds like you need to decide whether you want him around, not him deciding to stay with you out of some kind of obligation.

You are worth more than this. Always believe that, and keep your hopes up. Life won't always be so crappy for you.

Bram

Make him sit down and watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MviVcjWZDts

Then this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNfr903R4Jc

If his attitude doesn't change after then you need to seriously think whether you need him amymore

[catra121]

I am so sorry...no one should EVER make you feel this way. Sometimes extended family...people who don't really know you that well...really struggle to comprehend what it is that we go through. This can be made especially difficult if you ARE the sort of person who tries to be very independent and push through things. They have no idea how much effort it takes to do even the smallest task...let alone the big ones. And while I would never make excuses for your husband's dad and his girlfriend...it IS hard for them to really get it even when they try (and I don't think they are trying in your case).

But your husband...talk about someone who needs a kick in the behind and a smack to the head. HE should know better because HE should know you well enough to understand (at least partially) what you are going through. I really don't think anyone who doesn't have RSD can fully understand what we go through...just as I don't think I could really understand what it feels like to be someone with a terminal illness who knows they will die soon. We can say we understand things and we can really try to put ourselves in someone else's shoes...but it's not the same as experiencing it. But it doesn't even sound like your husband is trying.

I know that my RSD has an impact on the lives of everyone around me. I try NOT to be a burden but sometimes I know I am. More so than other people (like your brother in law and the others you mentioned)? I don't think so. So long as you do the best you can that's all anyone can ask. And if it's not enough to the point where someone else feels the need to make you feel lousy and guilty for things that are beyond your control...then maybe you need to seriously rethink the relationship. Maybe it's just a rough patch...something you guys need to work through. But the only way you will be able to work through it is by being open and honest with each other about what is really going on. I know it sucks...I reached that point with my boyfriend about a year before I was injured. Something wasn't quite right...he was making me feel crappy...we just had to work through it. We did and now things are wonderful and better than ever. When my RSD got worse he was with me all the way...a perfect mix of support and love who helps me out when I need it but doesn't make me feel broken. He pushes me to do what I need to so that I am better and stronger...but not in a way that makes me feel bad or guilty...in a way that makes me feel stronger. But we never would have gotten here if I had just gone on feeling crappy and never brought up that something was wrong. It was difficult and uncomfortable...and I knew there was a chance I would lose him...but sometimes you have to risk the losing to chance the winning because the bottom line is that if things continue as they are right now...you are both losing anyway.

Take care of yourself. Hugs.

[tkayewade]

Thank you all so much. Your kindness is much appreciated. We didn't have time to talk today. He was gone for work before I woke up, but hopefully tonight will be better. I definitely DO push myself as I am sure a lot of y'all do also. Right now I just don't have it in me, and that may be the problem. Again, thank you!!

TK

[AintSoBad]

TK,
It seems that hubby comes from a terribly selfish family. My heart and love go out to you!

I hate to say this, but, be prepared. You may need to see a divorce attorney. You deserve love! As we all do!

Do what you must, you still've got a long way to go!

Pete

asb

A burden? That is so unfair and its not true. We all have different things to give in relationships.

And why would he tell you that? Unless it was to explain why you wouldn't be seeing those people any time soon, then I can't see what is to be gained by telling you.

I'm sorry you are being treated that way.

[tkayewade]

Right now I think I'm just being avoided. My husband used to work until 3:30-4. Now I don't see him before 6. It's really depressing. I just kind of lay here all day. Probably not good for me.

[AZ-Di]

Originally Posted by tkayewade

Right now I think I'm just being avoided. My husband used to work until 3:30-4. Now I don't see him before 6. It's really depressing. I just kind of lay here all day. Probably not good for me.

What if you asked him "what if the shoe was on the other foot?"