[mandi1]

So I decided to finally open up to my significant other about how painful it has been for me in the last couple of months. I was hoping to get assurance, to get comfort, understanding even esspecially since my Dr appointment today came with the news of the spinal cord stimulator. I was crushed, heartbroken and distraught, and no one could see my pain. I finally opened up I was told to buck up jokingly But to me this was not a joke. then when I mentioned I never said buck up when they were in pain I was told no one person's pain is worse than others. It was at this moment that I knew they would never understand. I'm so I wrote something that I would like to share with you and perhaps maybe you guys will understand..

I am tired, & I feel so all alone in this uphill climb of Mount Everest.
It would be better if that I at least had someone, anyone who can understand that the higher I get up the mountain the harder it becomes to breathe and all I really need is for someone to hand me an oxygen mask and tell me its going to be alright

But instead I keep pushing forward and go higher despite the struggle. I only hope someone will see my pain before I pass out from trying to not show anyone my plunder. Ftom trying every waking hour to just... breathe.

I am resentless, I trod on in hopes that one more step will bring me closer to salvation, but to no avail I never find it.

The funny thing is, I thought I was strong. going a day without weakness and raw emotion creeping its ugly head through the snowy haze.

But I'm not.

For every step higher will bring me closer to my demise. For soon the air will be getting thinner, the trials harder, and if I don't tell someone fast there will be no one there to give me oxy gen when I hit higher altitude.

So I decided to share, and instead of assistance and understanding I get buck up and plung forward.

Can you not tell I'm in pain?

Can you not see I'm gasping for air?

But they can't for i am NOT on a mountain climbing Mount Everest.
Though I am fighting an almost insurmountable battle.

And I am NOT deprived of oxygen and gasping for air,
though I am deprived of strength and clenching to every fiber of my being to make it through.

I do not live for the day. I live for those briefs seconds
When the skies part and the clouds allow the Sunshine through, like the Red Sea only To be put back again in an instant...

Those fleeting moments that pass others by without a care. Without them ever knowing they just witnessed a miracle. Although they don't see I am grateful for them and their ability to just...be. And my ability to make it another day unnoticed by all that the miracle they always wished to see just passed them by and it was ...ME!




ability abiability to just... Be. And my ability to make it through another day unnoticed by all around that the near clay always wish to see just passed them by... and it was me.