So it's been a little over a week since I had the D&C. My depression was getting so bad I talked to my OB's office, and they put me on an antidepressant and very strong anti anxiety medications. It's helping a little but I am not sure if that's a good thing as I just feel kind of numb about it all.

My arm has started really acting up today. What a nice addition to everything else. I'm trying to just stay calm and relax so I can hopefully prevent a full out flare up. We'll see.

I'm supposed to make an appointment to see a counselor soon, I'm hoping that will help. I also made the decision to take my old job back. Financially it is the best thing. I get almost 2 dollars more an hour and It's much closer to my home. Like 10 minutes away. The job I really liked, but just cant face right now was about 40 miles away, and I was spending close to 130 buck every to week in gas for minimum wage.

I was trying to apply for a supervisor position that would have made staying there possible. But unfortunately the position was posted and filled while I was out for my miscarriage....

So that's about it. I still feel depressed, but it's odd, like its there but masked...I really wanted my baby, but know I wont. Last might while trying to sleep I cried because I knew that down the line I could've held my baby in my arms, and it made me feel so empty.

But, I know I have to stay strong and get through it for my daughter. It's just still so hard....It just seems like I can never get a break.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. I know there's nothing that I can say to take away your pain...but keep posting and letting those feelings out here in a safe place. Definitely try to see a counselor as soon as you can manage...it will make you feel better to just talk about it and have someone help you through this who can be there for you in person. Take care.

Very sorry; take care songbird....

Songbird, I just wanted to say that I have been reading your posts and that I am truly sorry for what you are going through. I hope that soon you will be feeling better. Such a difficult thing to go through hon. I wish I had something clever or comforting to say. What I do know is that time helps heal grief. Time is your friend. Be good to yourself and take the time you need to process it all, and in time, it will get better.

Dear SongBird-you don't know me, I'm just a new member with this group but I have been following your posts and my heart truly breaks for you and for your husband, for your daughter as well. You are suffering such a great loss on top of what you already suffer with our disease. I am just keeping you and your family in my prayers - please try to be as strong as you can and lean on everyone around you. Give yourself the gift of time to grieve this irreplaceable loss of this child you already treasured in your heart of hearts. Please be well and know that you are in the prayers of so many. Please take care of yourself!

Hi Songbird,

I'm glad you're starting to feel a little better, and I hope your new/old job works out well for you and your family

For me my miscarriage was probably the toughest thing emotionally that I had to find a way through. Bereavement is one thing, but the loss of a pregnancy that too many dismiss as 'early' is something I dealt with pretty much alone. My friend was pregnant at the time, so I couldn't talk to her in case I stressed her out, and then by the time she had given birth safely, I had tucked it sadly away. I didn't see her as much as I should have afterwards because the first time I saw her with her baby, that part of my heart broke all over again. I still get times where I realize that the baby would have been a certain age, and what we might have been doing, what it might have looked like, etc.... You can't switch your brain off totally, but the grief becomes wrapped in goose-feathers after a while, and you can look at it without falling apart.

I chose not to take anti-depressants and just got through the raw pain, but I'm not judging I promise, everyone is different and no one way is 'best'. Just please don't get too used to the numbness feelings it sounds a bit scary, and I don't like to think of you like that. I'm glad if it's making things easier to deal with though, I wasn't dealing with CRPS back then, and I can't imagine how much tougher it makes things.

Take care of yourself, you'll get out the other side of this and things will be easier again. Promise.

Bram.