Im not gonna write a fancy poem or anything. Just me, stripped down.


I used to work in a medical office with chronic pain pts. I remember when my journey first started, I told my friend to please not let me become one of those people, the people that were distant, angry, never smiled, not happy. I was the opposite of that, I was FULL of life, happy, energetic, sarcastic, always joking, I was happy. I could work insane work hours unlike my co workers, I was the best! My boss greatly relied on me because I was so GOOD! I knew I had a bright future ahead of me, only 18 and I was finally finding who I was as a person, was just coming into myself. And then the pain started and so I went to the "best" surgeon there was, I trusted that surgeon when I was just finally starting to learn how to trust people. And she told me it would be a very easy surgery, I would be back to work in 8 weeks and I would quickly have my life back to normal, I questioned her to make sure and she promised me everything would go perfect. Little did I know in a few short hours that she performed the surgery did I know that she was going to take away my life completely. The 18yr old that was so full of life, happy, energetic, always joking and always happy was gone. The future I saw was gone. The person I was, was gone. Everything GONE. 1 person took it all away. The trust I was just learning to have, gone.

Ive mourned that person for the last 7yrs now. Now I just try to get threw the day the best I can. That surgeon took away my older teenage years and my young adulthood. The person I am now, its easy to hide behind the smile. Im now the patients I used to see and I don't find that a good thing. Sure all of this has made me a better person in some ways, but its also made me worse in other ways.

Well lets see. I was a tractor trailer driver and a bus driver. I have crps in my right leg and it has spread to my left leg and continuing to the rest of my body. I do not drive any more unless there is just no other way. When I have to have groceries and no one can take me I will drive the half a mile to the grocery store. My husband still drives a truck so I am alone most of the time. I have my two in-laws and three friends. One cant drive as she is nearly blind, one lives over an hour away and the other comes to get me out of the house every couple of weeks Ha ha. That's a joke it triggers a flare up. Why is that? Once upon a time , I used to walk five miles a day. On a good day I can barely sweep my house. I was planning on walking the Camino De Santiago in Spain. I wanted to do that next summer. Still might if I can achieve remission. At this point it looks like my walk will only be down the street. My dog Baby likes to play tug of war. She wins all the time now. My dog Jewels likes to sit on my legs on the couch and that is a big ouchy. They both want to continually lick my legs too. I used to keep a spotless house and go places and do things now I cant.
Oh well aint no use in crying over spilt milk. So I will just deal with it. I am sure there is someone out there worse off than me.
Sorry I got thrown off in the middle of this. Got a disturbing phone call please pray for my Mom. So everything is jumbled up.

I worked so hard in my other self to be an executive in the casino industry. I finally made it to the top, and actually held 3 of the Director positions....my favorite being the Marketing Director. My wife and I lived in the foothills raising 6 kids. Three were our own, and three were my cousins that were removed from my Aunt.

I am glad that I was able to travel around the globe at a young age, and also teach my kids how to camp, fish, and hunt. I loved to take them to car shows, ballgames, and anywhere and everywhere in the mountains. I could rebuild a car from the ground up, or run my horse to the top of the mountain. I would lift weights 4 days a week, and loved to walk around the 20 acre ranch we owned.....Life was truly wonderful!

Then one day the doctor told me he was concerned with my family history with heart disease. My dad had passed away at the age of 48 after his second triple bypass. He was 34 when he had his first, and I was 41 when the doctor suggested I go in for an angiogram.

I didnt see anything wrong with the idea, and actually wanted to prove what I already knew.....my heart and arteries were in great shape! After the angiogram I woke up in the ICU! I knew something was up, but everyone told me I was healthy as could be, even the doctor said he would see me in 15 years. They kept me all day checking the pulse in each ankle saying that they just wanted to watch me for a while. After 16 hours they let me go home, and said see ya in 15 years!

7 days later I was back! My right leg was white as snow, and hurt like it had a semi truck sitting on it. They did an ultrasound and found no pulse, and then rushed me into another angiogram. They woke me up in the middle of the angio, and showed me the blockage, told me to get an attorney, and that they were rushing me to surgery......and when I wake up...........I may not have a right leg!!!!!

I dont remember much for a few days as they had me on a morphine pump that I could push a button every 6 minutes.....but I did have a right leg! Never could sue, and never could work again, in fact fought hard to stay out of a wheelchair. Pretty much lost my will to live due to the intense pain that never ended, but in fact began to spread.

Due to the friends I made here in this wonderful forum....I learned to look at what I could do, instead of focusing on all the things I could never do again. I still mourn the life I once had, but try to keep my focus on the things I can and am doing now.

In fact I read an article today that really inspired me to keep at my goal of having a Television talk show on the Paranormal. We have a meeting the 22nd, and I am excited!!! The pain is still terrible, and some days I cannot even hardly get myself out of bed.....But I do, and will until I cannot

Here is a link to the article. Hopefully it inspires you as much as it has me....
http://www.rsds.org/newsletter/

You all are amazing!!! No retreat....No surrender!!

I guess this is what I hold onto Allen, the resentment and anger towards the surgeon. Same thing in your case, how can 1 person take away our lives like that and have no remorse what so ever?

It was really hard to forgive this guy. When I went in to see what was wrong with me. I had to threaten to jump on his sports car to see me, otherwise it was a 2 week wait.

Because I threatened to jump up and down on the hood of his $85000 car.....he cussed me out all the way back into the treatment room. He listened as I told him what was wrong, then proceeded to check the wrong leg. When I corrected him....he started cussing again.

He cussed a blue streak when I told him I wanted another doctor to fix it. When he discovered that the artery was blocked......all he said was ....oops!.
Not Oh man im sorry....just oops!! Thats when I started cussing!

I tried to sue, but in California they capped the award to $250000. The attorneys would tell me to go lose my leg , and then come back!

You have to realize I probably made more money then he does, and had a nice sports car too! He took everything away without even an Im sorry.

But after a few years I realized I was carrying around this anger and hate, and it was only hurting me, not him. He didnt even have a clue. It doesnt mean I have to like him, but I needed to move on in order to find a life.

It isnt easy when you start thinking about all the things he took away, but there is no going back. I have to look at what I am able to do, and see if I can build a life out of the ashes.

Im glad you were able to forgive him. Ive come to terms that ill never be able to forgive my surgeon, she knew what she did, she took advantage of me and knew it, and she knew she could get away with it. So ill harbor this anger, but for now that's ok because its what gets me threw the day.

Hi Tos, I feel the same way about the surgeon who screwed up my wrist surgery. I'm angry that he caused me harm not only in the ER but when he changed casts. He did it without putting me under and my wrist was still broken. I was in so much pain and he didn't seem phased. He even joked about it saying that he betted I wanted to punch him because of all the pain I was in. I said I did but I wouldn't because I thought at the time he was helping me and trusted him. So I squeezed my husbands hand so hard and cried for about fifteen minutes. Then I got a sharp pain in my shoulder and screamed. The dr said that happens sometimes from lack of movement. I come to find out later that I had rsd and that it traveled from my wrist and hand up to my shoulder. There was no nurse in the room and this incident was never noted in my drs report. Big surprise. So now I have rsd in my wrist and all extremeties and stomach and limited range of motion in my hand and no motion in my wrist. I am so angry, not because he made a mistake, but because he just didn't seem to care. But you know Tos, these drs that hurt us and don't care, have to live with themselves and someday have to answer to God. So I am trying to forgive my dr and hope he asks for forgiveness from God. I've made my share of mistakes and don't feel I have the right to judge. I've asked forgiveness for things I did that were wrong. So I going to try to do the same for my surgeon. I know it's hard because he hasn't asked for forgiveness (at least not from me), but they say that not forgiving only keeps us from moving forward. And we have suffered enough. So maybe if not for your surgeons sake, maybe forgive him for your own sake so that you can move on with your life. You deserve to have some peace. I hope you find it my friend. You have a been a good friend to me and I hope you feel better soon. With love, Renee.