[Llynnyia]

I have noticed a lot of the psychological turmoil we all seem to have comes down to the idea of mourning who we used to be and what we once could do.

I was hoping if we all could share this mourning, somehow we could help each other a little.

So I was hoping people would write about that part of our hearts and pain.

Only as much as you feel comfortable sharing of course but I really hope that we can all be open and in depth because somethings, very personal, even intimate things hurt the worst.

[RSD ME]

I mourn the one I used to see
As a friend, a wife, and mom to be
Someone who tried to live each day
With joy and laughter, hard work and play.

I mourn the one that I am now
A person who asks why me and how
Did I get this thing changed my life
As a friend, now mom and loving wife

I mourn the one that may be no more
The one that one's were counting for
To be their mom, their wife their friend
I'll mourn that loss until the end

[RSD ME]

Although my life is different now
I feel the change is sort of good
I have alot of pain somehow
But meds work like they should

If I had had the choice to be
The girl I was before
I'd take her back without a thought
And feel no pain no more

But I'd also choose who I am now
The girl I am today
The one whose stronger from this pain
In each and every way

(Went to DQ with husband. Ice Cream always cheers me up)

[Llynnyia]

Originally Posted by RSD RENEE

Although my life...

I wish, I could write poetry like that!

[Llynnyia]

Maybe I mourn her because she is so very different from who I am now, I built my life so much around these very physical things I used to to.

I was an exotic vibrant sexy belly dancer
I was a hiker, mountain biker, shake the trail dust off my saddle tom girl type.
I was a size 14 toned and fit.
I was an artist with a temper, a bit impatient too.
A singer, a dancer, swimmer, spontaneous and fun.
I planned to travel to do what I studied for Anthroplogy. I was even invited by my professor to go with his crew to the Amazon the following summer, before my accident.
I wanted children at least three that I could teach all these fun things! To run and giggle with them.


Now every step is small slow and measured.
Every day must be planned carefully now patience is mandatory for myself and others.
The magic that made my art come to life is all but gone, it is Just gone and I don't know how or really why.
A single touch can all but kill me if done wrong.
I can barely walk a quarter of a mile, no less hike bike or ride 14 miles (my record mountain biking).
I am now a pale bloated size 20, I don't feel sexy at all so why should my special someone see me as sexy? Not to mention the deed itself.
I miss the dancing most it was every day it was for fitness and fun.
I guess, I am still am doing anthropology just not in the field I had hoped for. Now I study people in pain or around pain.

As for children, I don't feel it is very fair to bring one into this world by choice, Where their mother can't dance with them, run with them or worst case run to save them. Where she promises things she will repeatedly have to go back on or postpone because of pain. Where she won't be able to stand and rock them or pick them up from the floor or kneel down to kiss their booboos. Where dinner won't get made most nights, where their mother can't take care of herself let alone them.

[tos8]

Im not gonna write a fancy poem or anything. Just me, stripped down.


I used to work in a medical office with chronic pain pts. I remember when my journey first started, I told my friend to please not let me become one of those people, the people that were distant, angry, never smiled, not happy. I was the opposite of that, I was FULL of life, happy, energetic, sarcastic, always joking, I was happy. I could work insane work hours unlike my co workers, I was the best! My boss greatly relied on me because I was so GOOD! I knew I had a bright future ahead of me, only 18 and I was finally finding who I was as a person, was just coming into myself. And then the pain started and so I went to the "best" surgeon there was, I trusted that surgeon when I was just finally starting to learn how to trust people. And she told me it would be a very easy surgery, I would be back to work in 8 weeks and I would quickly have my life back to normal, I questioned her to make sure and she promised me everything would go perfect. Little did I know in a few short hours that she performed the surgery did I know that she was going to take away my life completely. The 18yr old that was so full of life, happy, energetic, always joking and always happy was gone. The future I saw was gone. The person I was, was gone. Everything GONE. 1 person took it all away. The trust I was just learning to have, gone.

Ive mourned that person for the last 7yrs now. Now I just try to get threw the day the best I can. That surgeon took away my older teenage years and my young adulthood. The person I am now, its easy to hide behind the smile. Im now the patients I used to see and I don't find that a good thing. Sure all of this has made me a better person in some ways, but its also made me worse in other ways.

[Phaedra]

Well lets see. I was a tractor trailer driver and a bus driver. I have crps in my right leg and it has spread to my left leg and continuing to the rest of my body. I do not drive any more unless there is just no other way. When I have to have groceries and no one can take me I will drive the half a mile to the grocery store. My husband still drives a truck so I am alone most of the time. I have my two in-laws and three friends. One cant drive as she is nearly blind, one lives over an hour away and the other comes to get me out of the house every couple of weeks Ha ha. That's a joke it triggers a flare up. Why is that? Once upon a time , I used to walk five miles a day. On a good day I can barely sweep my house. I was planning on walking the Camino De Santiago in Spain. I wanted to do that next summer. Still might if I can achieve remission. At this point it looks like my walk will only be down the street. My dog Baby likes to play tug of war. She wins all the time now. My dog Jewels likes to sit on my legs on the couch and that is a big ouchy. They both want to continually lick my legs too. I used to keep a spotless house and go places and do things now I cant.
Oh well aint no use in crying over spilt milk. So I will just deal with it. I am sure there is someone out there worse off than me.
Sorry I got thrown off in the middle of this. Got a disturbing phone call please pray for my Mom. So everything is jumbled up.

[allentgamer]

I worked so hard in my other self to be an executive in the casino industry. I finally made it to the top, and actually held 3 of the Director positions....my favorite being the Marketing Director. My wife and I lived in the foothills raising 6 kids. Three were our own, and three were my cousins that were removed from my Aunt.

I am glad that I was able to travel around the globe at a young age, and also teach my kids how to camp, fish, and hunt. I loved to take them to car shows, ballgames, and anywhere and everywhere in the mountains. I could rebuild a car from the ground up, or run my horse to the top of the mountain. I would lift weights 4 days a week, and loved to walk around the 20 acre ranch we owned.....Life was truly wonderful!

Then one day the doctor told me he was concerned with my family history with heart disease. My dad had passed away at the age of 48 after his second triple bypass. He was 34 when he had his first, and I was 41 when the doctor suggested I go in for an angiogram.

I didnt see anything wrong with the idea, and actually wanted to prove what I already knew.....my heart and arteries were in great shape! After the angiogram I woke up in the ICU! I knew something was up, but everyone told me I was healthy as could be, even the doctor said he would see me in 15 years. They kept me all day checking the pulse in each ankle saying that they just wanted to watch me for a while. After 16 hours they let me go home, and said see ya in 15 years!

7 days later I was back! My right leg was white as snow, and hurt like it had a semi truck sitting on it. They did an ultrasound and found no pulse, and then rushed me into another angiogram. They woke me up in the middle of the angio, and showed me the blockage, told me to get an attorney, and that they were rushing me to surgery......and when I wake up...........I may not have a right leg!!!!!

I dont remember much for a few days as they had me on a morphine pump that I could push a button every 6 minutes.....but I did have a right leg! Never could sue, and never could work again, in fact fought hard to stay out of a wheelchair. Pretty much lost my will to live due to the intense pain that never ended, but in fact began to spread.

Due to the friends I made here in this wonderful forum....I learned to look at what I could do, instead of focusing on all the things I could never do again. I still mourn the life I once had, but try to keep my focus on the things I can and am doing now.

In fact I read an article today that really inspired me to keep at my goal of having a Television talk show on the Paranormal. We have a meeting the 22nd, and I am excited!!! The pain is still terrible, and some days I cannot even hardly get myself out of bed.....But I do, and will until I cannot

Here is a link to the article. Hopefully it inspires you as much as it has me....
http://www.rsds.org/newsletter/

You all are amazing!!! No retreat....No surrender!!

[tos8]

I guess this is what I hold onto Allen, the resentment and anger towards the surgeon. Same thing in your case, how can 1 person take away our lives like that and have no remorse what so ever?

Originally Posted by allentgamer

I worked so hard in my other self to be an executive in the casino industry. I finally made it to the top, and actually held 3 of the Director positions....my favorite being the Marketing Director. My wife and I lived in the foothills raising 6 kids. Three were our own, and three were my cousins that were removed from my Aunt.

I am glad that I was able to travel around the globe at a young age, and also teach my kids how to camp, fish, and hunt. I loved to take them to car shows, ballgames, and anywhere and everywhere in the mountains. I could rebuild a car from the ground up, or run my horse to the top of the mountain. I would lift weights 4 days a week, and loved to walk around the 20 acre ranch we owned.....Life was truly wonderful!

Then one day the doctor told me he was concerned with my family history with heart disease. My dad had passed away at the age of 48 after his second triple bypass. He was 34 when he had his first, and I was 41 when the doctor suggested I go in for an angiogram.

I didnt see anything wrong with the idea, and actually wanted to prove what I already knew.....my heart and arteries were in great shape! After the angiogram I woke up in the ICU! I knew something was up, but everyone told me I was healthy as could be, even the doctor said he would see me in 15 years. They kept me all day checking the pulse in each ankle saying that they just wanted to watch me for a while. After 16 hours they let me go home, and said see ya in 15 years!

7 days later I was back! My right leg was white as snow, and hurt like it had a semi truck sitting on it. They did an ultrasound and found no pulse, and then rushed me into another angiogram. They woke me up in the middle of the angio, and showed me the blockage, told me to get an attorney, and that they were rushing me to surgery......and when I wake up...........I may not have a right leg!!!!!

I dont remember much for a few days as they had me on a morphine pump that I could push a button every 6 minutes.....but I did have a right leg! Never could sue, and never could work again, in fact fought hard to stay out of a wheelchair. Pretty much lost my will to live due to the intense pain that never ended, but in fact began to spread.

Due to the friends I made here in this wonderful forum....I learned to look at what I could do, instead of focusing on all the things I could never do again. I still mourn the life I once had, but try to keep my focus on the things I can and am doing now.

In fact I read an article today that really inspired me to keep at my goal of having a Television talk show on the Paranormal. We have a meeting the 22nd, and I am excited!!! The pain is still terrible, and some days I cannot even hardly get myself out of bed.....But I do, and will until I cannot

Here is a link to the article. Hopefully it inspires you as much as it has me....
http://www.rsds.org/newsletter/

You all are amazing!!! No retreat....No surrender!!

[toepain2013]

I was a young, healthy 28 year old. I rarely got sick, worked long hours, took long hikes, ran daily, played soccer 3x a week and was notorious for having the toughest feet around (I was notorious for running / walking barefoot -- even on hot asphalt or sharp rocks -- I even went tide pooling bare footed once!).

At 28 I finally felt like everything was coming together. I had met the girl of my dreams and landed a fantastic, well paying job. I felt like a million bucks.

One ill fated night, a home intruded broke into the house I lived in with my girlfriend. After hearing the door bust down I woke up to investigate to find a large, deranged man standing in my entryway. Upon questioning him, he immediately attacked me. I defended myself and actually ended up doing much more harm to him than he did to me (he ended up with 35 stitches in the back of his head, a broken nose and a broken arm) -- but I tore my feet up real good. Luckily I was able to restrain him until the police arrived -- at least he got was he was due.

Fast forward a year later. The girl of my dreams left me as she can't handle the person I've become as a result of the pain. I no longer play soccer. I just stopped running and cross-fit in an attempt to see if things will improve. My career is falling apart, I can barely afford the medical bills from the various procedures I've tried. Basically, my hopes and dreams of becoming a husband, father and successful entrepreneur have seemingly been flushed down the toilet.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching. 3 months ago I told myself that if I was still in pain at 29 that I'd purchase a ticket to Sweden and have assisted suicide. That was likely the lowest point I've ever experienced. Since then I've abandoned the idea -- but I still have days when it sneaks back into my consciousness.

I still try to maintain hope. I still look at the future as an opportunity to beat this situation -- even though my insurance or doctors really think that's possible. I'll never give up though, as I'll do anything to rebuild my life as much as possible.

I have to try to revive my dreams. I have to try to be a tough, happy, successful young man again.