[Llynnyia]

I have noticed a lot of the psychological turmoil we all seem to have comes down to the idea of mourning who we used to be and what we once could do.

I was hoping if we all could share this mourning, somehow we could help each other a little.

So I was hoping people would write about that part of our hearts and pain.

Only as much as you feel comfortable sharing of course but I really hope that we can all be open and in depth because somethings, very personal, even intimate things hurt the worst.

[RSD ME]

I mourn the one I used to see
As a friend, a wife, and mom to be
Someone who tried to live each day
With joy and laughter, hard work and play.

I mourn the one that I am now
A person who asks why me and how
Did I get this thing changed my life
As a friend, now mom and loving wife

I mourn the one that may be no more
The one that one's were counting for
To be their mom, their wife their friend
I'll mourn that loss until the end

[RSD ME]

Although my life is different now
I feel the change is sort of good
I have alot of pain somehow
But meds work like they should

If I had had the choice to be
The girl I was before
I'd take her back without a thought
And feel no pain no more

But I'd also choose who I am now
The girl I am today
The one whose stronger from this pain
In each and every way

(Went to DQ with husband. Ice Cream always cheers me up)

[Llynnyia]

Originally Posted by RSD RENEE

Although my life...

I wish, I could write poetry like that!

[Llynnyia]

Maybe I mourn her because she is so very different from who I am now, I built my life so much around these very physical things I used to to.

I was an exotic vibrant sexy belly dancer
I was a hiker, mountain biker, shake the trail dust off my saddle tom girl type.
I was a size 14 toned and fit.
I was an artist with a temper, a bit impatient too.
A singer, a dancer, swimmer, spontaneous and fun.
I planned to travel to do what I studied for Anthroplogy. I was even invited by my professor to go with his crew to the Amazon the following summer, before my accident.
I wanted children at least three that I could teach all these fun things! To run and giggle with them.


Now every step is small slow and measured.
Every day must be planned carefully now patience is mandatory for myself and others.
The magic that made my art come to life is all but gone, it is Just gone and I don't know how or really why.
A single touch can all but kill me if done wrong.
I can barely walk a quarter of a mile, no less hike bike or ride 14 miles (my record mountain biking).
I am now a pale bloated size 20, I don't feel sexy at all so why should my special someone see me as sexy? Not to mention the deed itself.
I miss the dancing most it was every day it was for fitness and fun.
I guess, I am still am doing anthropology just not in the field I had hoped for. Now I study people in pain or around pain.

As for children, I don't feel it is very fair to bring one into this world by choice, Where their mother can't dance with them, run with them or worst case run to save them. Where she promises things she will repeatedly have to go back on or postpone because of pain. Where she won't be able to stand and rock them or pick them up from the floor or kneel down to kiss their booboos. Where dinner won't get made most nights, where their mother can't take care of herself let alone them.

[tos8]

Im not gonna write a fancy poem or anything. Just me, stripped down.


I used to work in a medical office with chronic pain pts. I remember when my journey first started, I told my friend to please not let me become one of those people, the people that were distant, angry, never smiled, not happy. I was the opposite of that, I was FULL of life, happy, energetic, sarcastic, always joking, I was happy. I could work insane work hours unlike my co workers, I was the best! My boss greatly relied on me because I was so GOOD! I knew I had a bright future ahead of me, only 18 and I was finally finding who I was as a person, was just coming into myself. And then the pain started and so I went to the "best" surgeon there was, I trusted that surgeon when I was just finally starting to learn how to trust people. And she told me it would be a very easy surgery, I would be back to work in 8 weeks and I would quickly have my life back to normal, I questioned her to make sure and she promised me everything would go perfect. Little did I know in a few short hours that she performed the surgery did I know that she was going to take away my life completely. The 18yr old that was so full of life, happy, energetic, always joking and always happy was gone. The future I saw was gone. The person I was, was gone. Everything GONE. 1 person took it all away. The trust I was just learning to have, gone.

Ive mourned that person for the last 7yrs now. Now I just try to get threw the day the best I can. That surgeon took away my older teenage years and my young adulthood. The person I am now, its easy to hide behind the smile. Im now the patients I used to see and I don't find that a good thing. Sure all of this has made me a better person in some ways, but its also made me worse in other ways.

[toepain2013]

I was a young, healthy 28 year old. I rarely got sick, worked long hours, took long hikes, ran daily, played soccer 3x a week and was notorious for having the toughest feet around (I was notorious for running / walking barefoot -- even on hot asphalt or sharp rocks -- I even went tide pooling bare footed once!).

At 28 I finally felt like everything was coming together. I had met the girl of my dreams and landed a fantastic, well paying job. I felt like a million bucks.

One ill fated night, a home intruded broke into the house I lived in with my girlfriend. After hearing the door bust down I woke up to investigate to find a large, deranged man standing in my entryway. Upon questioning him, he immediately attacked me. I defended myself and actually ended up doing much more harm to him than he did to me (he ended up with 35 stitches in the back of his head, a broken nose and a broken arm) -- but I tore my feet up real good. Luckily I was able to restrain him until the police arrived -- at least he got was he was due.

Fast forward a year later. The girl of my dreams left me as she can't handle the person I've become as a result of the pain. I no longer play soccer. I just stopped running and cross-fit in an attempt to see if things will improve. My career is falling apart, I can barely afford the medical bills from the various procedures I've tried. Basically, my hopes and dreams of becoming a husband, father and successful entrepreneur have seemingly been flushed down the toilet.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching. 3 months ago I told myself that if I was still in pain at 29 that I'd purchase a ticket to Sweden and have assisted suicide. That was likely the lowest point I've ever experienced. Since then I've abandoned the idea -- but I still have days when it sneaks back into my consciousness.

I still try to maintain hope. I still look at the future as an opportunity to beat this situation -- even though my insurance or doctors really think that's possible. I'll never give up though, as I'll do anything to rebuild my life as much as possible.

I have to try to revive my dreams. I have to try to be a tough, happy, successful young man again.

[Llynnyia]

Originally Posted by toepain2013

I was a young, healthy 28 year old. I rarely got sick, worked long hours, took long hikes, ran daily, played soccer 3x a week and was notorious for having the toughest feet around (I was notorious for running / walking barefoot -- even on hot asphalt or sharp rocks -- I even went tide pooling bare footed once!).

At 28 I finally felt like everything was coming together. I had met the girl of my dreams and landed a fantastic, well paying job. I felt like a million bucks.

One ill fated night, a home intruded broke into the house I lived in with my girlfriend. After hearing the door bust down I woke up to investigate to find a large, deranged man standing in my entryway. Upon questioning him, he immediately attacked me. I defended myself and actually ended up doing much more harm to him than he did to me (he ended up with 35 stitches in the back of his head, a broken nose and a broken arm) -- but I tore my feet up real good. Luckily I was able to restrain him until the police arrived -- at least he got was he was due.

Fast forward a year later. The girl of my dreams left me as she can't handle the person I've become as a result of the pain. I no longer play soccer. I just stopped running and cross-fit in an attempt to see if things will improve. My career is falling apart, I can barely afford the medical bills from the various procedures I've tried. Basically, my hopes and dreams of becoming a husband, father and successful entrepreneur have seemingly been flushed down the toilet.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching. 3 months ago I told myself that if I was still in pain at 29 that I'd purchase a ticket to Sweden and have assisted suicide. That was likely the lowest point I've ever experienced. Since then I've abandoned the idea -- but I still have days when it sneaks back into my consciousness.

I still try to maintain hope. I still look at the future as an opportunity to beat this situation -- even though my insurance or doctors really think that's possible. I'll never give up though, as I'll do anything to rebuild my life as much as possible.

I have to try to revive my dreams. I have to try to be a tough, happy, successful young man again.

The first two years were the hardest for me too, it does feel like everything is falling apart and it is. But as you learn to adapt to change your surroundings to help you it gets a lot easier and finding someone to help you through it and share daily ups and down does help.

As for your ex- ... My high school sweetheart fiancee man of my life for seven years, he did the same as your ex. Ditched me when I needed him most. That says a lot about how flawed his character was not mine. But I have found over time it was for the best, I am not who I was before and almost all my interests have changed too. If he had stuck it out with me we would be fighting all the time now for a load of reasons. but it may come down to politically I became a democrat bleeding heart liberal where as before we were gun toting repubs . and all that, that change implies about his view on women, housework and life. So I went through a metamorphosis and because he couldn't even handle the catalyst of it he left. I have days where I miss something about him still once in a while but for the most part it is good that he left. Even if it felt like **** when he did. It takes someone very strong and wonderful to be with us who have rsd, I feel blessed to finally have found one.

[eevo61]

Originally Posted by toepain2013

I was a young, healthy 28 year old. I rarely got sick, worked long hours, took long hikes, ran daily, played soccer 3x a week and was notorious for having the toughest feet around (I was notorious for running / walking barefoot -- even on hot asphalt or sharp rocks -- I even went tide pooling bare footed once!).

At 28 I finally felt like everything was coming together. I had met the girl of my dreams and landed a fantastic, well paying job. I felt like a million bucks.

One ill fated night, a home intruded broke into the house I lived in with my girlfriend. After hearing the door bust down I woke up to investigate to find a large, deranged man standing in my entryway. Upon questioning him, he immediately attacked me. I defended myself and actually ended up doing much more harm to him than he did to me (he ended up with 35 stitches in the back of his head, a broken nose and a broken arm) -- but I tore my feet up real good. Luckily I was able to restrain him until the police arrived -- at least he got was he was due.

Fast forward a year later. The girl of my dreams left me as she can't handle the person I've become as a result of the pain. I no longer play soccer. I just stopped running and cross-fit in an attempt to see if things will improve. My career is falling apart, I can barely afford the medical bills from the various procedures I've tried. Basically, my hopes and dreams of becoming a husband, father and successful entrepreneur have seemingly been flushed down the toilet.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching. 3 months ago I told myself that if I was still in pain at 29 that I'd purchase a ticket to Sweden and have assisted suicide. That was likely the lowest point I've ever experienced. Since then I've abandoned the idea -- but I still have days when it sneaks back into my consciousness.

I still try to maintain hope. I still look at the future as an opportunity to beat this situation -- even though my insurance or doctors really think that's possible. I'll never give up though, as I'll do anything to rebuild my life as much as possible.

I have to try to revive my dreams. I have to try to be a tough, happy, successful young man again.

I try not to reply any post but yours is different,you are still young,you will be able to fight back ,don't get discourage for anyone ,you own your life and only you can built a future,great future ahead if you try harder,I know is hard to deal with the physical and emotional side of rsd/crps and suddenly no one around you,feel defeated is normal but will past,here in nt,we all know how hard is,the future is not written for you yet,you can write you on future just keep trying and always fight,fight back what ever comes to you and is not right, love,love is real when you can understand each other and support as well,soon God will bless you with everything you need,keep the faith,you are already bless,everyday you woke up is a bless,don't stop trying and believe the future,your future is still in blank pages,when you ready go ahead and start your story,I bet it will be different than today's story,good luck,always believe ,something good is been destine to each of us,we just have to wait,be patient,blessing from Jesika

[catra121]

Originally Posted by toepain2013

I was a young, healthy 28 year old. I rarely got sick, worked long hours, took long hikes, ran daily, played soccer 3x a week and was notorious for having the toughest feet around (I was notorious for running / walking barefoot -- even on hot asphalt or sharp rocks -- I even went tide pooling bare footed once!).

At 28 I finally felt like everything was coming together. I had met the girl of my dreams and landed a fantastic, well paying job. I felt like a million bucks.

One ill fated night, a home intruded broke into the house I lived in with my girlfriend. After hearing the door bust down I woke up to investigate to find a large, deranged man standing in my entryway. Upon questioning him, he immediately attacked me. I defended myself and actually ended up doing much more harm to him than he did to me (he ended up with 35 stitches in the back of his head, a broken nose and a broken arm) -- but I tore my feet up real good. Luckily I was able to restrain him until the police arrived -- at least he got was he was due.

Fast forward a year later. The girl of my dreams left me as she can't handle the person I've become as a result of the pain. I no longer play soccer. I just stopped running and cross-fit in an attempt to see if things will improve. My career is falling apart, I can barely afford the medical bills from the various procedures I've tried. Basically, my hopes and dreams of becoming a husband, father and successful entrepreneur have seemingly been flushed down the toilet.

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching. 3 months ago I told myself that if I was still in pain at 29 that I'd purchase a ticket to Sweden and have assisted suicide. That was likely the lowest point I've ever experienced. Since then I've abandoned the idea -- but I still have days when it sneaks back into my consciousness.

I still try to maintain hope. I still look at the future as an opportunity to beat this situation -- even though my insurance or doctors really think that's possible. I'll never give up though, as I'll do anything to rebuild my life as much as possible.

I have to try to revive my dreams. I have to try to be a tough, happy, successful young man again.

I was 25 when my RSD started...it's been almost 5 years now that I've had this. I agree that the hardest part is the first couple of years. I've grieved for the things that I have lost...for the person I was...but I've also embraced the person that I have become.

You CAN fight this and beat this. For me the key has been thinking about a key phrase from one of my favorite book series, "Think of the solution, not the problem." It sounds cheesy...but really that has been my approach to everything. I can't do things the way that I used to...but I have become very resourceful when it comes to figuring out how to accomplish the same tasks even if they are in completely different ways (usually more difficult...but manageable). It's allowed me to return to work full time and take control of my life again.

Just remember that YOU are not your CRPS...you can't let that define you. Sometimes we have to change the definition of who we are...I don't think any of us are the SAME person we were prior to this monster...there's some self discovery in there to figure out who we are NOW...but the answer cannot be CRPS or pain.

I am very sorry that your girlfriend abandoned you...that is one thing that I have not had to deal with thank goodness. My boyfriend has been frigging amazing through everything. The biggest thing though and the greatest gift he's given me (and I've said this so many times that I know there are people reading who are rolling their eyes)...it's that he doesn't treat me like I'm broken...not ever. He supports me and helps me when I need it...but not once has he ever made me feel like I am "less" than I ever was. Even when I was in a wheel chair and couldn't walk or stand at all for almost a year...he never treated me like I was broken. That made it so much easier to do the therapy I needed to get where I am today.

We're expecting our first child now...and that's scary...but it's also exciting and I just filled with so much joy. I know that I won't be the mother I would have been before I got CRPS...but that doesn't mean I won't be a good one. Will I be able to play catch in the backyard with the little one or chase them around or run around the park with them? No...but we'll have other moments...other things that we can do together...and it will be great.

I still get twinges from time to time where I remember the old me...and it's not even the old me but the things that the old me could do that I miss sometimes. I actually love the person I am now...I feel so very blessed to have wonderful people in my life and I don't take for granted any of the good things in my life. I wish I didn't have to be in pain all the time and I wish that all those activities that I used to be able to do hadn't been taken away from me...but I'm definitely at peace with my life as it is now.

Every day is a constant struggle...it's about me making a very conscious decision to get up, get moving, and live my life. It would be so easy to give into the pain and just give up...but the fight is SO worth it. My life is nothing like I pictured it would me...but I am genuinely happy. It IS possible...you will get there. Life is not over...don't give up on yourself...you will be amazed by the things you can accomplish if you really commit to them.

I'm so sorry that not everyone has the amazing support from their loved ones that I have had though this. It honestly breaks my heart and I wish for all of us to know the kind of love and support as we struggle with this beast that we need to make it through to the other side.

I don't know where I would be without that...and I don't know where I would be without you guys too. I needed the support of the people on this forum as much as I needed the love and support from my loved ones. I honestly think we all NEED support from people who know what we are dealing with. The members on this forum were so much more helpful than any of my doctors ever were...I learned most of my adapting tricks from the people here. YOU guys gave me the ability to make it through each and every day with your tips on what works for you and how you adapt to live your lives. Not to mention just the ability to vent to people who REALLY understand...that is something that has been SO helpful to me. I've learned so much from everyone...

And now that I've rambled on for a good 30 minutes or so...I think I need to stop before I get WAY too blubbery to even see the computer screen...