Hiya,

Sorry I have been away for a bit. I have been having a horrific time with the RSD at the moment and that has culminated with today's (Mondays) nightmare of a day.

My pain levels have been really up lately, and I have also lost more mobility and am now hoist dependent for transfers (apart from the rugby guys , who just pick me up like a baby). I rang my GP 10 days ago in hysterics of pain and he agreed to increase my ketamine to 25mg 4 times a day (as well as my other stuff).

However, over the last day or two I have become far floppier and paralysis has kicked in. (hahaha, unfortunatly only the bad bits not the good bits - so I can still feel EVIL pain). I now can't feel anything but pain from my feet up to my chest and can't move from chest down. I am breathless and have pain on breathing.

Basically, it now turns the ketamine shouldn't have been increased. This happened 10 days ago and because of the half life I apparently now have an almost toxic dose of ketamine in my blood and the only reason I am alive is because I have RSD. Bizzare hey? (as it's a general anesthetic at high long term doses, especially when mixed with other things - but because of the pain...). The drs have been trying to push me into hospital, but I'm a stubborn sod and refuse to go in - though I have been told if I deterioate any more I will be straight in there.

It took 5 hours this morning to get any movement at all in my body, and that was after several hours of passive movements from Becks (my carer) as I couldn't even control my wheelchair, use my environmental controls or anything and even then the movement was just enough to control my wheelchair. And, I have gone totally floppy. Even in full tilt in my wheelchair my head is falling off the headrest and doing exorcist movements if bumped at all...(difficult if you live in Bath!)

Then in the evening...I was in the kitchen with some of my friends and nobody had bothered to strap me into my wheelchair properly (as I was in a high angle of tilt and thus leaning backwards about 30 degrees). I slipped to the side trying to move closer to one of my friends, Nick, and fell sideways out of my wheelchair straight onto my head on the floor. I then don't remember what happened, but apparently ended up in a form of floppy headstand and forward roll ending up smacking into a cupboard. It hurt SO much. I just didn't know what to do!!! Ended up having to get my carer to come and hoist me off the floor whilst I had hysterics. We decided I really should give up on today and just get into bed and I went into the bathroom (with my carer outside the door). And. Fell off the toilet and managed to get both my arms caught so I couldn't move an inch as I was trapped between support bars, wheelchair and door. My carer ended up having to break into the bathroom, and as soon as she moved the wheelchair I passed out on the floor. So had to be rescued (again) by my carer and friends.

I'm scared I will end up in hospital. I know if I tell my doctor that I fell and landed on my head and damaged my neck again then I will be straight in hospital but I just can't handle it. Life is painful enough without being in hospital (and I have an exam on Thursday). I also fear that the paralysis is spreading and I am having more problems breathing (though this may be due to increased pain).

It hurts so much - I have so much else to deal with at the moment - I just can't handle this much pain etc with all the other symptoms and just generally with exams etc. AND, I refuse to ask for special consideration with my exam (eg that pain/ falls etc on top of having RSD are destroying my chances of a first this year) because I don't want to take "advantage" of being ill.

Ok. update - Tues morning. Well, I have managed to be out of hospital, breathing is still partially compromised, mega mega pain, totally floppy, fell headfirst off the toilet again - looks like will have to accept using sling in the toilet as well which I am VERY anti. Having to be in bed because I just can't sit up and have had to have my cot bars bolstered because my fitting spasms have kicked in. Oh, and my left side has gone really really bad. My neck is so so painful and I....

I'm just so fed up with all of this. It just feels so unfair - and I know that there is absoloutly nothing I can do and nothing the drs can do to help. The only thing I can do to help is either a) reduce the ketamine dose - but, it's the only pain killer that helps or b) accept that I will not even be able to be in the toilet on my own. Life sucks, I just am so fed up and don't know what to do. It's bad enough being at uni - I love it - but the jealousy of all these people who are pain free, who can walk, who can be themselves and don't have to rely on others for the stupidest things - just is so hard to deal with.

Sorry for the moan I'm just so fed up

Love ya

Frogga xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx