Thank you both for posting. Just being able to reach out to others who understand was really helpful

visioniosiv - thanks for your reply and the link. It motivated me to do more research on vitamins and start trying to cook again. I live by myself and ended up switching to mostly processed food since it was fast. I've learned with CRPS it's all about prioritizing. It's hard for me to de prioritize work and prioritize things I need like home cooked food, but it's too important not to. I have felt a little better, which is making me motivated to keep it up.

I also started seeing a mental health professional at the rehabilitation hospital I'm doing my PT at. It's long over do. I kept pretending I could do it on my own, but this is something I need a little help with.

Thanks all!

Awesome Maygin - that list of stuff I did all came from that - a complete focus on prioritizing for positive motivation. It sounds idyllic and ridiculous but major change always does. Because we're scared.

Oddly enough, it wasn't until I completely surrendered and said, "Welp - I'm completely and utterly ******. How on earth has it come to this? I couldn't have PLANNED things any worse than they are. I can't fix this; I'm not good enough; I surrender." ....

....I was sitting in the ER when I had that thought. And immediate sudden realization hit me like a Mack truck.

I realized that I blamed myself for my pain.

A huge weight was suddenly and unexpectedly lifted, and even more crazy - I started to laugh. It still hurt the exact same - like frozen fiery hell with twitchy lightning bolts thrown in for good measure - but I was somehow no longer identified with it. It was my body's pain, not mine.

That was the turning point. From that moment on I made slow and steady progress until one night I woke up and realized the pain was gone. Not to say I didn't have setbacks along the way - but they had miraculously turned from obstacles into guideposts.

I don't know... maybe it's different for other people. But up to that moment I outwardly blamed doctors, blamed bad luck, blamed God (either for existing, or for not existing), blamed everything I could think of... but in my heart, I realized the truth was that I blamed myself for my pain and for hurting my family. But it was never mine to begin with

Oops I'm sorry about that Chemar - was too literal in the transcription there.

Not specifically about this helpful quote in particular but Vision, I enjoy reading all your helpful responses. Why do you still come back here when you no longer have RSD?

visioniosiv - I'll admit that some of the positive spiritual things your post mentioned weren't things I paid much attention to the first or second time I read your post. But I had this moment yesterday where I realized that I have focused my energy on bending the world around me - getting better socks, seeing the best doctors, etc. but I hadn't taken the time to bend the energy within me. And until I do that - until I can forgive myself - simply bending the world around me won't be enough. I very much blame myself for getting injured, but oddly enough, not for what's happened since. Very early on, before I even knew I had RSD, a friend pointed out that I talk about my foot like its a separate entity, not part of my body. I still talk that way to this day. I blame the nerves for overreacting. But I blame myself for giving them the opportunity to overreact. Anyway, I have decided to more consciously move towards doing mediation and looking at Buddhism. I have wanted to do both for awhile, but never prioritized it and also felt that as a scientist, it likely wasn't for me. But I think now it might be.

I want to thank you for taking the time to respond. I logged on today to post a rant about this condition. I didn't want to rant to my friends on Facebook, so I thought I would reach out here. Every time I feel like I take a step forward, something new pops up, sending me at least a step, if not more back. But this post reminded me that while I can feel angry, and I do need to let it out, I also can breathe, let it go, and keep moving forward. Any new issue doesn't have to hold me back or slow me down. Thank you. I needed this more than words can express.

You're so welcome Maygin and I'm really really really happy to've been at the right place at the right time.

I was not a spiritual person in my previous life at all. I was highly analytical and skeptical (and remain so - I try everything but believe nothing I've not experienced myself.) I did think that there was a Creator because of the very evident and overwhelming complexity of the reality we perceive, but did not think this Creator was benevolent. I mean - how do we reconcile the injustice and suffering in the world with an omnipotent and perfect "being?" I thought It was ambivalent at best.

But we're already perfect and we're just now allowing ourselves (sometimes gently, sometimes forcefully) to realize that.

Side note on meditation - check out the lessons at AYPsite dot org for an interesting take on spirituality from a Western spiritual scientist. I'm gradually releasing that need to "bend the world around me" as well. Well said.

And check it out - picobill just hooked you up with the best socks around, so you got exactly what you were looking for.

Update: the doctors confirmed my fears - the CRPS is worsening and progressing. It's moved into my ankle. The pain is better managed than it was before, but it's not really the yard stick since meds are just stopping me from feeling the pain - not stopping the pain itself. The fact that my foot is now cold all the time and that there are significant skin and nail changes indicates the disease itself better. My orthopedist, pain management doctor, and my new PT all agree that I need a nerve block, so I'll be doing that in a few weeks. In the meantime, I'm hitting this condition with everything I can -acupuncture, chiropractic, medications, therapy, relaxation, meditation, and PT. Most important, I'm trying to stay positive. Want to follow my journey? Check out my Facebook page*edit*

Please be careful I was given acupuncture Jan 2010 2 of the wounds are still visible

Because I promised myself that I would stay and help as long as it takes if I ever got better. When the RSD was at its worst, I had this fantasy where I cured myself, and was able to come back and "save" everyone with the knowledge I'd gained. (Ego much? Jeez.)

Well, what I learned was that everyone wants saving, but they want it on their own terms. (One more reason different modalities work better for some than others.)

So I'm here for the same reason as everyone else - to support and empathize and share our perpectives so we can learn from each other.

Much of what I found to be personally true contradicts what is commonly accepted in the medical world, so I have learned to temper a fair bit of what I say. People here are experiencing some of the worst pain and fear known to humanity on a constant basis. Insensitivity to that just results in more inflammation, which is the worst thing possible for the condition.

No one wants to hear that RSD is in their head. But it is - just not in the way everyone thinks when they hear that. It's not meant to be heard as an accusation (at least from me) - and it's not as if RSD doesn't exist! The pain is 100% real to the perceiver, and there are obviously a host of measurable symptoms and indicators that go along with the condition that prove its existence to an outside observer.

But as we are gradually starting to rediscover and accept, the mind is in control of the body, not the other way around. (And yes - there are many "fixed" physical parameters, like heredity, or death, for example.)

The question I asked that made the real difference - who controls the mind?

I like reading your posts too cdwall.