[LIT LOVE]

I haven't even met this person yet, but I've talked to her several times and I'm already feeling judged. I have a lot in common with her, but I REALLY don't need a person that wants to try and motivate me to "get better". I've been to therapy and I'm 100% sure that while depression might be a component of my RSD/CRPS, that depression is not the CAUSE of it. I don't need or want to compete for whose health is worse. And the message that we're responsible for not getting better, by not having thought positively enough, or worked hard enough at getting better, truly makes me angry. I've had this disorder for 14 years, and I haven't given up yet, but I also KNOW my own BODY. I have spread to my jaw for the second time and while I hope it will go back into remission, I know there's a possibility that that won't happen. --And that's nothing to do with my MOTIVATION. I really believe that people want to believe they have more control over their health than they actually do and it scares them to death that something might actually be beyond their control.

On top of all this, this person wants to apply for SSDI, which seems more than a little hypocritical--because hey with a little positive thinking shouldn't she be well enough to continue working? I loved my job and spent YEARS trying to adapt and figure out a way to even be able to work part time or develop a business that was workable--and I finally had to accept that it just isn't realistic at this point.

I don't want to feel like I have to explain or justify my health. Any coping strategies for dealing with these type of people would be appreciated.

End Rant!

Thanks in advance.

[catra121]

Hugs.

It's so frustrating when people don't get it...but think they do and offer advice on something they know nothing about. I'm all for positive thinking, not giving up, etc...but I also know there are limits and no amount of positive thinking is making this go away. Cope with it better? Sure...but make it go away? No.

Wish I had a coping strategy for dealing with this person...but I don't. I generally just limit my time with those sorts of people. They mean well (and they really do most of the time)...but I just find it too stressful and we all know what that does to our RSD. If there's any way to NOT talk about the topic that stresses you then that's an option too...but I'm guessing that would be too difficult.

Best of luck to you...hope you can work it out. Hugs.

[Jomar]

I hope they aren't making friends with you just to pick your brain about SSDI..

I would consider the pros and cons of such a friend like that...before getting in deeper..
If certain personality traits are bothering you already,, it usually only gets worse..

I try to avoid toxic /stressful personalities who needs any added stress anyway??

[LIT LOVE]

Originally Posted by Jo*mar

I hope they aren't making friends with you just to pick your brain about SSDI..

I would consider the pros and cons of such a friend like that...before getting in deeper..
If certain personality traits are bothering you already,, it usually only gets worse..

I try to avoid toxic /stressful personalities who needs any added stress anyway??

No, once she found out I was on SSDI she said that she knows she qualifies and plans to apply.

And, I'm just thrown for a loop since this woman called this morning, aggressively questioning me about my physical and mental health and how I spend my time. I felt like she didn't understand before but today I felt attacked.

I've made a habit of walking away from everyone that pulls this with me--including my former best friend of 20 years. It just hadn't happened in a while and I was hoping someone else had figured out a better way of dealing with these situations.

[Jomar]

It almost sounds like she is questioning you to get ideas on how to proceed with a claim.. for best acceptance.. she might be probing to fill out the forms and such..

Do you think someday you'll plan to meet up in real life?

Another option is be honest & blunt?

Tell her you felt a friendship growing , but now all the questioning & comments are making you feel uncomfortable.. Or just the last part...
She how she responds to that?

[RSD ME]

it seems to me that people with rsd get judged alot because our illness not only had visible pysical symptoms but invisible internal symtoms too. depression is not the reason we have rsd, but rsd can cause depression. i order brochures from rsd hope online and pass them out to all my drs and friends especially the ones who don't "get" it. it helps some, but not all. some read them and some don't. but it beats trying to explain the someone that what we have is real. and we don't have to justify that to anyone. the documentaion on rsd speaks for itself and proves its real. our physcial symptoms prove its real. and our internal pain is explained by drs who prove its real. other disabilites are not always visible, but are not questioned as much, like ms or cancer because more is known about them. rsd is so rare that people don't know enough about it. thats why raising awareness of it is so important. as for ssdi, i would tell your friend to look it up on the internet. there is plenty of info on that there. i don't think its good to talk to people about that because you can be judged and compared on that as well from your friends and that's not right. i hope you go into remission again someday and i am sorry for the rsd in your jaw. i have it in my mouth and know how horrible that is. soft hugs my friend.

[LIT LOVE]

Originally Posted by Jo*mar

It almost sounds like she is questioning you to get ideas on how to proceed with a claim.. for best acceptance.. she might be probing to fill out the forms and such..

No, I don't think that's it at all. She's one of those people that is clueless about the process and thinks she'll be approved the first round with ease because she believes she has diagnoses that will easily qualify her. I've only helped with one issue, researching a special rule that gives her enough credits to qualify for SSDI. I try not to judge whether someone will qualify or not, because I haven't seen their medical records, but it just irritated me that on the one hand I should be cured through the miracle of positive thinking (exaggerating a bit) while she plans on quitting work to collect disability.

Do you think someday you'll plan to meet up in real life?

That was the plan. I know her boyfriend. We've tried to coordinate a few times unsuccessfully.

Another option is be honest & blunt?

I think that's maybe my best option?

Tell her you felt a friendship growing , but now all the questioning & comments are making you feel uncomfortable.. Or just the last part...
She how she responds to that?

I think the problem really is that I'm not motivated to speak because it makes my jaw flare and she relates as withdrawing due to depression. I had a stellate ganglion block a few weeks ago and it helped, but I'm not back to normal. I've explained all this to her a handful of times now, and she keeps trying to question my mental health! Which honestly, if that was the case--it would be even less of her business!

Answers underlined.

[visioniosiv]

Originally Posted by LIT LOVE

No, once she found out I was on SSDI she said that she knows she qualifies and plans to apply.

And, I'm just thrown for a loop since this woman called this morning, aggressively questioning me about my physical and mental health and how I spend my time. I felt like she didn't understand before but today I felt attacked.

I've made a habit of walking away from everyone that pulls this with me--including my former best friend of 20 years. It just hadn't happened in a while and I was hoping someone else had figured out a better way of dealing with these situations.

In my experience (at risk of sounding like an annoying shrink here), it's usually the people and situations that bring us the most tension that show us where we can grow the most personally. What I hear from your questioning of how you dealt with these types of situations in the past is that you're obviously sick of the same old crap and are already primed for something new.

For lots of people, walking away from a toxic relationship is supremely difficult, and the learning is IN the walking away. But what I am hearing from you is that you're already a bad@$$, and you want to be strong in a different way than before. Who knows - maybe you want to stand your ground by letting your voice be heard, setting parameters for the relationship and letting it unfold from there, instead of walking away from the toxicity. Letting her know you're in no mood to talk currently with your jaw flaring up. There's no guarantee you'll ever reach an understanding with this person, but you might feel better on your side about it.

[LIT LOVE]

Originally Posted by visioniosiv

In my experience (at risk of sounding like an annoying shrink here), it's usually the people and situations that bring us the most tension that show us where we can grow the most personally. What I hear from your questioning of how you dealt with these types of situations in the past is that you're obviously sick of the same old crap and are already primed for something new.

For lots of people, walking away from a toxic relationship is supremely difficult, and the learning is IN the walking away. But what I am hearing from you is that you're already a bad@$$, and you want to be strong in a different way than before. Who knows - maybe you want to stand your ground by letting your voice be heard, setting parameters for the relationship and letting it unfold from there, instead of walking away from the toxicity. Letting her know you're in no mood to talk currently with your jaw flaring up. There's no guarantee you'll ever reach an understanding with this person, but you might feel better on your side about it.

Thank you.

You're right, I haven't and won't keep anyone in my life that's toxic.

This illness is very isolating though, and until yesterday, I was optimistic about a potential friendship. I might be able to maintain some type of superficial relationship with her, but I am disappointed.

[Hopeless]

Dear Lit Love,

Your post starting this thread was expressed so well and made me recall similar situations. There is no easy answer as to how to deal with this type of individual. That depends on the person and what will work with HER.

Your first post is so very well stated that maybe you should state it exactly that way to your acquaintance. It gets your point across without being ugly about it. It is honest and direct but also soft and "should" be well received. If I were "the acquaintance" and you told me EXACTLY what you stated in your post, I would be appreciative of your honesty.

BUT, I may be of a totally different personality than the real acquaintance of which you spoke.

Another option might be to re-direct the conversations and turn them on her. When she asks a question of you or makes statements regarding your mental "health" or "attitude" toward your condition, you may just turn around and ask HER, "Why do you ask?" "Do YOU have a mental illness?" You may say "I would prefer not to talk about the matter.
Let's keep things on a lighter note and not discuss health issues."

About "depression".... It is one of those which came first, the chicken or the egg, things in my opinion. A family member was pushing the depression theory on me for my lack of doing anything. It took a while but I finally got through that if SHE had my health, SHE would get depressed, too. How would SHE like not being able to ........ and I would start the list. Wouldn't that depress YOU?

Everyone with a chronic illness and/or pain gets depressed from time to time. Often times, it is the illness that causes the depression. Not to say that people can't have depression that is compounded by illness but some of us never experienced depression UNTIL our lives were destroyed by a chronic illness.

There is a relationship between depression and chronic illness that most healthy people do not understand.

When we become shut away from the world due to our health, having friends is important but maybe one or two really GOOD ones would be much preferable to one potential friend that will cause you grief and emotional upset.

MY advice, bottom line, tell her how you feel and let the chips fall where they may.

Thanks for the thread. Hope things work out the way you would like them to be.