Hi Jenna,

This is such an important topic, thank you for raising it. And, Kevscar thanks for the thoughtful response.

This illness is a big obstacle to intimacy on so many levels. We are effected physically, emotionally and cognitively. Sometimes we are crabby from pain and prickly towards our loved ones even if they did nothing wrong. We may feel emotionally vulnerable and our esteem may suffer. Medications may dampen our interest. Our partners may be fearful of hurting us. All of this has an impact on our relationship. Anytime there is a problem of this magnitude in a relationship it warrants open discussion. It is important for both of you to talk about your feelings and needs. I hope you beat this thing back like you did before. But you don't know when that will happen or to what degree. I hope your boyfriend is open to learning more about CRPS so he can better understand you. Don't be afraid of asking him to look at videos or literature. Sometimes people are more open to information in black and white or from "experts".

Right now you don't need the pressure of worrying about his "frustration". However, physical closeness may lead to easier emotional intimacy and tender feelings. Physical touch is an important part of human relatedness. And sex has benefits of decreasing stress, improving circulation, increasing "feel good" hormones, etc. There are a million ways to get creative about meeting our partner's needs (and our own). Many of which can involve minimal or even no touch. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself, but you can be present and be involved even if it is just with stimulating conversation . And who knows where that may lead for you...your brain might get more involved than you anticipate and distract you from pain.

I think it is important for us, the sufferers, to experience touch that feels good. That may be the Big O or it may simply be a gentle touch to a part of our body that doesn't hurt. Get what painless physical input you can if at all possible. It is healing and signals the brain that there are better things to focus on. I hope for your sake there is some part of your body that doesn't hurt. When I was in my worst pain I found myself craving gentle caress in the areas that weren't painful. A gentle hand through the hair is a great pleasure and this simple thing can make people feel closer and loved.

I am sorry that you're having to deal with this right now when you have such stress and pain. Your boyfriend's frustration is not more important than your pain. And In no way do I want to minimize your suffering. I am just hoping you can find a way around it!

Sending gentle hugs,

Wow!!! I don't even no where to begin with this one. The other posts here were so well done that I think I am going to just keep this rather short.

Intimacy is a tough thing to deal with when the pain of CRPS constantly gets in the way. My husband has been absolutely wonderful through all of this and has learned more about this horrible thing than I have. We have not had sex in, I am guessing four or five months now. He knows that I am in pain and understands that the pain quite often takes its toll on me and my mood. He know how to read me extremely well and can tell when and where he can touch me. We take each moment one moment at a time. If we are able to have an intimate moment, we take advantage of that time. If all he can do is wrap his arm around me or hold my hand, that's what we do. There are plenty of times that I want him to hold me, but the pain does not allow it. It is very frustrating for both of us, but we take advantage of the moment, even if they may be small, to enjoy each other. We know we love each other, but there are times that all we can not be close to each other.

Take advantage of the times that you do have. Cherish each moment that you can. I have heard the term Carpe diem several times in my life. Don't seize the day, seize the moment.

Alaina

I wish he would understand this. Its like now that I can't have sex. Then he feels there's no point in cuddling because its not leading to it. I just gerl so broken by this. Its making my depression worse

Some men just don't get it, some do. If you feel that he is pressuring you and no longer feel he is capable of understanding that you both need to be patient and wait for that right moment when you are feeling well enough to be able to be intimate, that moment when you can handle his touch even a gentle one. If he is not willing to learn about CRPS and what it does to you and how you feel each and every day. If he is not willing to understand that CRPS can cause you issues not only physically, but emotionally as well, then perhaps he is not the right person for you. I hope he is willing to learn and perhaps you might be his best teacher. This is a lifelong situation and if he wants to be part of your life, he needs to understand those things.

A relationship is about caring, sharing and learning from each other each and every day, loving what the other loves, and living for each other. A relationship needs to be worked at or it will start to fall apart or become another boring relationship that many, not all, long term married couples fall into. It can be done through intimacy, but quite often it is not. Try to find something that the two of you can share together that you are capable of doing. If you are hurting too much, let him know that and perhaps he will do his best to keep you company and keep your spirits up. Even if it is just siting around and telling each other stories, jokes or anything else.

My husband always says he lives for dimples. I believe him. He tries every day to put a smile on my face. After being together for 9 years, he always finds a way of doing that many times each day, no matter how I feel. I hope your boyfriend is capable of finding a way of doing that for you as well.

Alaina

Jenna,

Purplefoot has given sound relationship and self-care advice. Now I get to jump in with the fun stuff .

Don't let limitations come between you. Your boyfriend's needs getting met does matter. They don't trump your physical needs but they can affect how close he feels to you and are potentially creating stress and division. Our partners can't experience our pain and needs are relative. His are not going to go away. Hopefully they can be reigned in a bit...

With your current condition you should be in charge. Do whatever is comfortable for you that allows you to help your boyfriend feel close and loved. By all means don't settle for no cuddling. Let it lead to something...just let that something look different and be something you can tolerate. It might require timing of pain meds, alteration of methods or doing something new and wacky. Now's the time to try new things! I will refrain from making specific suggestions...However, I encourage you to let your imagination solve the problem in a safe and creative way.

I believe it is possible to find a solution that allows you both some level of fulfillment while keeping you comfortable. Don''t give up on this. Sex can be a healthy, healing distraction from pain and help you strengthen your bond during a difficult time. And it can definitely contribute to happier partners...

Jenna.
Just wanted to say thanks for bringing this up. Thanks to all of you that have contributed so generously. I think this is probably a tough area for many of us and finding a balance can be difficult. It's something I struggle with and have not found my comfort zone so I have little to offer except my thanks. ~mac

Great topic and wonderful responses!

My husband and I have been together over 20 years. I have had chronic pain and health conditions for over 30 years. He never knew me when I was completely well. (I was less limited 20 years ago, I will admit. I would not marry him for the first 10 years because I was concerned he did not know what he was getting himself into. He still wanted to get married 10 years later. Many couples don't last that long, without the challenge of chronic pain/illness.) He's a gem. we are good to one another, always.

As Littlepaw mentions, while he needs to take my needs into consideration, I also take his into consideration. We have figured out what works for us.

I also make sure he is keeping his balance in life by ordering tickets to some of his favorite musicians, etc. If I can go, great! If I cannot go, he still goes and takes a brother, a nephew, a friend. He returns with his batteries charged and is in such a better place than when he tries to stay at my side all of the time when I am laid up for lengthy periods.

A truly important topic!

DejaVu

My Goodness DejaVu, you are one gifted and wise woman. WOW.. I have tremendous respect for you. Spot on! WHO-WAH

This is not me found it posted a few years back saying anyone could use it.

Ten Incredible Facts About Cuddling...


http://www.lifehack.org/.../10-surpr...at-make-you-wa...

Jenn, Offer to show these to your loved one. You both can benefit from cuddling. If he won't cuddle up with you, you may need to get a dog to cuddle with?

In Tibetan Buddhist medicine, couples/partners are encouraged to sleep together at the hospital when one is admitted to the hospital. This is because of the known health benefits of touch during sleep.

My husband climbs into the hospital bed with me, usually to get a reaction out of staff in the ER. LOL. The ER stretchers are a bit smaller than a hospital bed, so it gets very crowded.

I hope you feel better soon!