[catra121]

Well...the day has almost arrived for my long awaited appointment with a pain management doctor. I see him tomorrow. It took over a month to get approval from work comp to even SCHEDULE this appointment and then the earliest appointment they had was 4 weeks out...but I'm finally at the end of my wait.

Is it crazy that I am super nervous about this appointment? My last two appointments didn't go well (ie...the doctors had absolutely nothing to offer me either in diagnosis or treatment). That is what I am scared about more than anything...a repeat of, "I have no idea and no plan to help."

I don't THINK that will be the case. I mean...I have waited this long for the appointment in part because this is a doctor at a teaching hospital who is one of the top guys in this area for RSD (from what I have heard). Not that I think my pain is RSD in THIS case...but the other doctors seem so afraid of the RSD diagnosis that I feel I need to see someone who is familiar enough with it to not be scared off making a different diagnosis and who also understands the complications that the RSD itself can cause in terms of treatment options and recovery. I feel like I made a good decision in choosing this as the doctor for me to see...but tomorrow I will find out if it really was worth the wait.

All that to say that I am just a little stressed because I have put so much faith and hope in this doctor who I have never met and in his ability to help me get past the struggles I've had since I fell off that ladder in October. I know from experience that putting that sort of faith into any individual or treatment is dangerous...because if it doesn't work out I will feel crushed and don't know what I will do...but honestly it is the only thing that has kept me going these past two months as I suffer without any answers or light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm sorry for being quiet lately...I visit every day (usually several times a day) but haven't felt up to too much posting because of all this fear and stress. It makes me a little sad to see how quiet the forum has been lately...but I have a feeling we are all going through some difficult times. This is still the only place I feel comfortable being completely honest about my fears and concerns as I go through this process of trying to get things under control.

I feel so bad about how my current situation is affecting those around me. My daughter is wonderful and she makes me so happy...but I can't do as much with her as I want to and it kills me to have to have helpers around or send her to daycare more than I want to because I can't take care of her. I know SHE doesn't know these things but it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that.

My boyfriend...he is great but I feel bad for not being able to do more. He is SO tired...it's been a long almost 7 months since my fall off that ladder and these last few months I can really see how it is affecting him. He's frustrated by the situation. He doesn't want me to hurt myself more or cause me more pain...but he's tired of doing everything himself too and he wants help. Sometimes he vents...and it makes me feel bad...but I definitely understand the need to do it. After all...I have you guys to vent to and he really doesn't have anyone but me.

And there's also my tendency to get short with people. I am in pain, I am frustrated, I hate the way things are going these days...and sometimes I snap at people who in no way deserve it. Everyone is understanding...and in truth it rarely progresses to the point of thoughts leaving my head by way of my mouth...but it has happened a few times and that's not the person I want to be.

So yeah...sorry for the verbal diarrhea of thoughts and emotions...just trying to clear my head before this appointment tomorrow morning.

I hope everyone is in a better place than me at the moment. Wish me luck tomorrow...hopefully I get some forward movement in diagnosis and treatment. I don't expect miracles and answers to all the questions...just a doctor who is dedicated to helping me FIND those answers and get back to the life I had before I fell off that ladder and messed up my shoulder and neck.

Take care everyone.